I cant stop crying Pls help!
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 02:41 pm
Well here I am in the break up section. We had a horrible fight Saturday night. Ugly things were said and I said most of them. We have spent the last 2 weeks together because he has been on vacation. Maybe we had been together too much with no break... I feel so bad for the way I acted and things I said. I left his house yesterday morning and before I left he said those dreaded words..."we need to talk"....well of course I was so upset but had to go to work. I didnt hear from him all day long or all night. Of course i sent texts and tryed to call with no response. This morning I went to work and I sent several texts. Finally got a response saying "I"m ok just chillin, my stomach hurts.." He wont call me... We have been together 15 months and had planned a trip to my hometown on thursday for a couple days. I just cant stop crying, I cant eat and I cant focus on anything. I cant bring myself to go to the grocery store or do anything I need to do. I feel like it's all my fault and it's really over this time. I said things that have built up over time and I guess I just had to let them out. I really need some support here girls. I'm in a bad shape.. :(
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 03:27 pm
Hey ladybug
Everyone has horrible fights in a relationship. I'm not sure what was said or what sparked it, but it's not good to hold things in for so long. That isn't fair to you or him. Is there a reason the issues weren't confronted sooner? You're not afraid of him right?
He said "we need to talk," but he won't talk until he has everything worked out in his brain. You texting and calling so much will only push him further into the "cave." If the fight was that bad, both of you should take some alone time so you can resolve the problem with cooler heads when the conversation happens!
You feel bad about the way you acted right? When you do talk, express this to him, I'm sure he feels bad about the stuff he said
This concerns me though, you said "I feel like it's all my fault and it's really over this time." So how many times have you two broken up? Have you broken up over the same reasons?
I know it's difficult but you must try and compartmentalze everything. If you have things you need to do, then with all your willpower, pick yourself up and do it. He has tons of things on his mind, but he is going about his regular routine. Who knows getting out may put your mind at ease for a little bit.
Most important though, please remember this isn't ALL your fault. You may have said the most, be he contributed to arguement also. It's takes two...
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 03:43 pm
Well we had a dinner planned and his kids were coming over. I had to work until 2 so I was unable to get there earlier to help him out. When I got there almost 3:00 he was sitting in his truck on the phone and upset. His mother passed in November and he was talking to his aunt. I could tell he had been drinking but didnt know how much at the time. I helped him bring in the grocerys and hurried dinner along because they were supposed to be there at 4. During dinner he just made comments in front of his children that embarassed me. His children even looked at me like they couldnt believe things he said. Well he has an ex girlfriend that he talks to a lot. I always know when he has talked to her because it sets him off into a drinking frenzy. I see no hope of them getting back together as she has her own set of crazy problems. It bother me that he always tells her "Lov ya!" in all his texts and I never get that. Well that's another story but it fueled the fire for me. After his children left he continued to drink. He had promised me to take me the next day to my daughters cheering competition and I knew if he kept drinking that wouldnt happen. Well I guess I feel I acted like a child. I just lit into him about how I felt about what he says to his ex and how rude he was with his comments at dinner. I also told him i was hurt because he is always putting me down about my body, or telling me how I need to fix it. I am not fat but not a petite skinny person like his ex. I just went off, he did apologize the whole time telling me he was sorry and didnt mean it in a hurtful way. Well it does hurt.... He really didnt say anything to me during all this except that he was sorry he hurt me. I packed my stuff and was going to leave but it was 1 in the morning so I didnt. Then I had to go to work the next day and he didnt want to talk to me or touch me or kiss me goodbye. He has always needed his space and I know he had a horrible hangover from the night before. These past 2 weeks we havent been apart but maybe one night...I think he stayed home in bed all day yesterday and i did get a couple of texts earlier today it didnt sound like he had been out of the house. He just wont talk to me on the phone at all.... Am I just blowing this out of proportion???
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 04:08 pm
ladybug,
Do you think his drinking is a problem? It sounds to me, and I could be wrong, that everytime something comes up that bothers him, he starts drinking. Is that the norm here? Everyone can get emotional after drinking, however not everyone turns to drinking when life gets emotional. The drinking may be causing him to forget things. Honestly, do you believe he is an alcoholic? That may be a concern for you....
Why does he talk to his ex-girlfriend so much? Do they have kids together? The "lov-ya".....unacceptable. Even if he means it in a frienship type of way, that would make anyone uncomfortable.
Talking about a woman's wieght will hurt them, unless it's something positive, even then we walk a thin line. He knows this.
I don't think you're blowing anything out of proportion. You have things that need to be addressed. Him saying "i'm sorry" is a way to not address the situation. While he may be sorry, that doesn't explain why he says "lov-ya" to his ex, why he is disrespecting you in front of his children, why he is flaking on occasion, etc....
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 04:20 pm
Yes he is an alcholic. He has gotten better and when he is with me he doesnt seem to drink as much. Thanks to me he hasnt lost his job over this but that's a whole different story. I dont know why I am putting up with this. I have never felt so helpless with any man. I love him so much and seeing what I am writing it makes me wonder why?? I know the ex is a major problem and I have told him that. She calls him whenever she needs something which is almost all the time. I cant stand it and it hurts me deeply. She is a mean and hateful person with no friends and his family didnt like her at all. I am the opposite. I'm a caregiver and I feel like I am always giving. Do you think that's the problem?? Thanks so much for talking to me about this!
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 04:29 pm
ladybug,
As sad as it is to say, this guy will lean on you because you've been there to lean on.
Do I think it's a problem that you're a caregiver. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Do I think it's a problem that you're a caregiver to this man. YES!
What are the qualities that keep you fighting for this relationship? It seems to me like you've just been the reliable woman, while holding all your feelings inside. That's not healthy.
I think you should re-evaluate things, and get a fresh perspective. This relationship may not be the best thing for you.
If you need to talk further, you can always post here or send me a message via personal email.
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 04:30 pm
Lady...can you get him to go to AAA for his problem? If not...I can only see this spiraling out of control and downhill for not only you but for him too! Don't keep enabling him or he won't ever get better!
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 04:36 pm
He has been to meetings but on and off. how do you think I am enabling him? By being there for everything he needs? He is the first alcholic I have ever been with so I'm not sure how to handle it???
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 04:44 pm
Sorry Tony I just read your comment....He only has 2 more years to work until he retires. He is 54 and I am 47. I just had high hopes for our future plans and I always hope it will get better. We had plans to move near my parents and I was starting school in the fall. He is so much happier when he doesnt have to work but who isnt?? I just feel like an idiot actually seeing all this in writing and reading you all's responses! Talking to you all is helping me! I know it sounds bad and I am wondering myself why I am putting up with this. I was so happy and not looking for anyone when he popped into my life. Now I cant get him out of my head, waiting on the stupid phone to ring or the text to come in!!! And Tony no they dont have children together. She got pregnant but they didnt have the child which he feels guilty over. I have to constantly hear that's why they still have ties with each other!! I personally think she tryed to trap him....
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 07:10 pm
I'm not sure that this is good for you.
I think that you're in love with the POTENTIAL of the relationship and ignoring the reality of the relationship. It's sounds to me like it's 90% you and 10% him in regards to effort.
I wish I had the answer on how to handle his drinking problem, some people react different. One lady I know reacted and stopped drinking only when she felt like she was alone and lost everything (in reality she didn't lose anything the people around her made it appear that way in order for her to "wake up") On the other hand, one guy I know, sunk deeper into his drinking problem even though everyone abandoned him. It's a judgement call. You know him best, what do you think would work for him? I'm sure that this needs to be handled in order to take that next step in the relationship. Do you think you deserve to put in all of the work, and clean up the worries that make him drink?
Mon Mar 08 2010 - 07:41 pm
I guess I always want to try to help and fix people. I know this relationship is bad for me. I have made him my top priority to help him get through his week without losing his job. Just to get in bed and make sure he gets up to go to work. All of this due to his drinking. If he hadnt gone to work every day in Feb he would have lost his job, the one he has had for almost 30 years. I did call him and he answered. he was very cold to me..... I know our argument hasnt set him off like this so I have to face reality and open my eyes to what's going on. I'm sure his ex is involved. Also I know he's not drinking now because he's so miserable. He is a "Fun" person when he's drinking. He has major issues and I just need to get away but dont know how. I need to go into No contact but I cant block his number on my phone plan and when he calls i know i will answer. I wish I could be strong enough not too. He is also depressed and I guess most alcoholics are. I did get him to see a dr. for that when his mom passed. He used to speak of suicide and that scares me too. I know I need major help!
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