How to tell if he is a player
Wed Sep 09 2009 - 05:46 pm
I think that I have met a player and I want to play his game... I am attracted to him. He has values and qualities I like. He is single, flirts and women
flirt with him too. He is charming and I think a charmer too. I want to be wise, really wise with him. Even though the attention and compliments he
gives me is really nice I want to discern this, get to know him.
He's on my mind. He has my telephone number and I have his. I called once. Interesting conversation, a good listener. Then we met by coincidence a week later. As we said goodbye he quickly kissed me on
the lips, so I returned his kiss with a quick kiss. I made it clear to him that I was interested. I literally asked him if he liked hunting. He replied that in yes in the autumn season he enjoyed
it. I then told him point blank to chase me... it made him laugh. I know the desire is there for him or else he wouldn't have kissed me, and the desire is there for me too.
It is still early in the game and I will not call him. If he's really interested in getting to know me he will call me and invite me out as he
said he would call and take me out the restaurant. We'll see, I don't know if he's a player or if he is sincere. I don't know if it's sexual attraction
for him or if it's relationship attraction. Maybe I am afraid that I could really see this guy in soup, so to speak.
First, I want to know that we are on the same page and want to have an emotional bond, I want to trust him and he must earn it.
How does this guy get to me? It's the same excitement of my very first boyfriend when I was a teenager and today I am 45. I want a mature lover and not a player. How can I tell his maturity or sincerity?
It's tough and exciting at the same time.
Any advice on this ?
Sat Sep 12 2009 - 06:09 am
Hi YvonneMontreal
I have just come out of a short but very passionate relationship with a player and feel that if I can share my lesson with you, at least something good will have come out of it.
I am 42 and had never been 'played' and that had probably made me a bit smug and I thought all these rules didn't apply to me!!! (Serves me right for being so arrogant :). So I ignored my gut feeling (and even things he told me) and all common sense, I allowed myself to get head over heels with a player. Needless to say, two months on, I am still nurturing my broken heart and reflecting on the obvious mistakes I made.
Players are very very good at what they do. And why shouldn't they be, they have probably done it for years and have really honed their skills. They are confident enough to go for women who have very high expectations because they do meet them on a lot of levels, mainly intellectual and physical. They are so used to women falling for them easily and they are probably just genuinely looking for someone who can hold their own and won't fall for them SO easily. It may be that they are actually sincere to start with, but just get turned off by women turning all wimpy once they have fallen for him, particularly as it is such a common pattern for them. It may be that every time they really hope this woman is different and will keep up with them and almost feel let down by a woman when she does not (I know it is stupid, blaa-blaa, but it is the same as saying law of gravitation is stupid, wouldn’t it be nicer if we could all just fly around, but unfortunately it is not the case, so we don’t have to like it, we just need to accept that it is the case). I believe there might be hope in the end, but only if you use your head and don’t let yourself get carried away. If you are not sure you can, just opt out now and you will save yourself a lot of heartache.
So only go for a player with an absolutely clear head. Please let him chase you (every man likes a chase, so in this case, multiply everything by 10, that means no initiating contact and some waiting before you respond), don’t make it too easy for him (but be kind, fun, light and most importantly, YOUR NORMAL FABULOUS SELF, when with him), don’t express your feelings too early (just say once in a blue moon that you enjoy spending time with him, but don’t show him that he is on your mind 24/7), most importantly, don’t get intimate too early (which is SO difficult as players usually are very good at seduction).
I don’t know whether this is of any help to you. I wish somebody had told me this when things were still going well for me, but at least I have learnt a lesson. The hard way.
I wish you all the best. Let us know how it goes.
Lots of love
Wise_until_it_happened_to_me
Sat Sep 12 2009 - 06:20 am
Hi YvonneMontreal
I think we could be needing you in the breakup no contact thread.
Interesting about the player.
X
Sat Sep 12 2009 - 06:23 am
Hi Wise until it happened to me
You should come over to break up no contact thread support.
X
Sun Sep 13 2009 - 05:21 pm
Hello Wise_until_it_happened_to_me
Thanks for your input! Every word you wrote including the bla bla as you put it is all really very appreciated.
He has a young girl and he has full time custody so he goes out dancing every second weekend... something like that.
I intend on remaining independant and will follow your advice.
Thanks.
Sun Oct 04 2009 - 10:12 am
Hello...
I am coming out of a dating relationship with some kind of player or commitment phobed man...We are both 57, have both come out of dysfunctional marriages and have been seeing each other for 2 years. We live an hour apart and I usually travel to see him because I stop and visit my son on the way. Over christmas last year we were very close. I was there on weeknds, we went to church together (Hugs, kisses and cuddling..no sex involved), and played in a band. But something wasnt right and I couldnt figure it out....Cold feet on my part I thought. I left a note saying I had to go and would be back ina couple days. He was upset and asked if I was running away. (In a sense I was)
And that changed everything. Altho he never professed he loved me or wanted me with him forever...I felt he did if only by the shock when I left on short notice. But I was feeling too comfortable there without that security of a committment. After that he acted more like he wanted his space (but he was upset if I didnt come out to spend a night there) and had his women friends around more often. But I was now a part of the church and still came out and stayed because of distance. Plus, he expected and wanted me to, if that makes any sense...
I finally said to myself...what is it Im not getting here. I went to a public dinner with him and he invited 2 other women friends along...one joked about him being with 3 women... his "harem"...the other joked about his "angels" ...OUCH..yup...I got it now...I am so thick.
So when I finally said no, Im not staying here tonight, because it hurts me to be sleeping in your bed when you are seeing other women...he said I love you but Im not sure its forever....you are my favorite to be with...did I want to get it on and see if it works out? ...Im not sure I can do the BF/GF thing...not sure I can do ...Commitment? I said...yes he said. Then he started on this big speech about how we were only friends and why did I think it was more than that...and (are you ready????) are you sure you dont want to stay tonight?
I just gracefully declined...said I must have misunderstood... I have to go now. He was really hurt by my decline and said that wasnt the answer he expected. (huh???)
As it stands now, we are just friends...I dont stay there, only occassionally go out there if Im invited for supper before band practice. He still calls me alot tho.....I have verbalized my goals of buying my own house near my sons...and that upsets him....he said he wants me there with him (the player at work?)...he sure knows how to get me stirring!! I have to let this guy go emotionally ....
What attracts me to him is that we have so many common interests. We can talk about anything (except our relationship apparently) and there is no sex which is such a different beginning to a relationship than when I was dating years ago (if you get my drift...hehe) ...so this relationship kept me drooling for more.
So ....there is my comment on players and other related men. I am dating others as the opportunities come along and not waiting for this guy...I am focusing on learning the lesson here and continue with my life plans...and yes, its hard, and yes, it hurts.
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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