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laurenlizbeth
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How to go from needy to confident without telling your boyfriend you are anxious

Sun Oct 18 2009 - 10:12 pm

Hi Paige,

I was just wondering when you are working through these issues and going from needy and having trust issues to being confident and you get all the same anxiety you would as a needy "psycho" girlfriend, how do you make this anxiety go away and hide it from your boyfriend when it is there so he doesn't get spooked.

I'm really happy and have spooked guys in the past because I do get anxious if they go out with other girls or dont share everything with me, but i also say what's on my mind every second.

How do I survive the irrational relationship anxiety without letting him know so he doesn't run away

thanks

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marmoty's picture
marmoty
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Mon Oct 19 2009 - 06:47 pm

Hi, Lauren.

When I saw your post, I had to reply. Maybe 2 years ago, I emailed Paige about this VERY SAME TOPIC. I am a fairly nervous/anxious person and when I started seeing my current bf, I had the same problems. I would freak out, sometimes out of nowhere, and find myself feeling needy and afraid he would figure I was nuts and head for the hills.

There are a couple of things that helped me. One is reading up on cognitive behavioral therapy, which is all about using logic and reason to talk yourself down from the ledge of irrationality. It is designed to help people with irrational fears and worries. There are exercises and thought processes you can use every time you have an insecure thought that you know is NOT based in reality.

Another thing I did was see a counselor. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks, as I could afford it. They can help you understand the root of your insecurity and how fear is a tool your brain uses to help you survive.

Thirdly, meditation and yoga helped A LOT! Good for clearing the mind, getting in touch with your real feelings and helping you let go of trying to control someone else's thoughts, behaviors, etc.

And lastly, a point Paige really hits home about in her ebook and on this Web site...dedicate most of your energy to YOU! It's not about trying to make it so your bf will never cheat, but about making sure that, if anything threatens your happiness YOU will take care of business and/or leave. You can never trust another person completely, but you can trust yourself not to ever stay with someone who would disrespect you so.

Here's why you should really work on insecurity....when you let go, even if it's just a little bit, you'll be amazed at how much happier you will be with your life AND with him.

Oh, and one more trick, if you're ever having an insecure moment, try not to say anything about it to your bf. Give yourself 5 minutes and see if it passes. If he asks you what's up, tell him, "I'm in a bad mood, and I just need a couple minutes to get over it." See if that works. I swear, sometimes if you don't give it air, it will just die right then and there.

Hope that helps! Remember, nearly everyone is insecure, so you're not crazy. The more you can conquer your irrational fears and focus your need on your own happiness, the more your relationship and the world in general will open up to you.

I wish you a ton of luck!

 
thetababe's picture
thetababe
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Gold Poster
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 10:22 am

I agree, the best antedote for insecurity is accomplishment, so it is vitally important to do things for YOU. This way your eggs are not in one basket and your whole world doesn't crumble if your dating goes south.

One dictionary definition of confidence is to have trust in something. When you have self confidence you trust yourself. How does that come about? With experience and achievement in a certain area.

For instance in your job--when you are new you don't have confidence because you don't know how to do it. Once you have done it a few times then you trust that you can do it again anytime you want.

Same is true for life. If you have successes in different areas of your life you feel proud of yourself. You gain confidence that you are a smart, savvy talented woman with a lot to offer. That comes through loud and clear when dealing with men (and others)

That is the importance of having a life that doesn't revolve around men. When you have to depend on someone else for your confidence and they let you down, well, that really sucks. And it is that much harder to pick yourself up.

Is this making sense?

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