Fri Mar 12 2010 - 04:05 pm
Oh Xhris! You don't think in over 22 years I tried ALL of your suggestions and more??? I bent over backward to do all the romatic things I could possibly think of. He enjoyed the benefits, but felt no need to reciprocate. The man is unwilling because he is selfish and doesn't care if anyone's needs are met but his own. He told me he didn't know how to be romantic which is why I got him the book. He didn't think it was insulting. He didn't want to do it of his own volition, he just didn't want to do it period. He is a procrastinator. He didn't feel ganged up on during the counseling sessions because he had his own male conselor with him to back him up if needed. People, couples, need to communicate their needs to one another. When one or both partners' needs are not being met, the result is pain, affairs, divorce, etc. It is actually a very simple concept. When one is not listening or not responding, what do you suggest? Trust me, I was at my wits end with this guy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: a relationship with a woman is not a priority for men. They value their careers, children and interests above all else. Sorry, X, I don't mean to bash you along with all the others. I'm just speaking from my own experiences. In 34 years of relationships with men, I think maybe 1 was interested in doing something to enhance the relationship instead of sitting back on his ars. I probably should have married him, but I was only 17 at the time, much too young. He was 23. By the way, ARE YOU ROMANTIC??????????????
Sat Mar 13 2010 - 09:17 am
Kay,
I am sure there are people who are simply too self centered to be reached, in fact I have had my own experiences with demanding people who only take take take, especially emotionally. Not much we can do with them.
Sorry it took you so many years to get free of that burden. it took me 7, and then it has been 7 more years of hassle over the kids.
As far as me being romantic, it depends, just like anyone else I pretty much am as romantic as the rewards benefit allow. If I am making romantic overtures to someone who is not reciprocating, then the fun is no longer there and the will to continue to make romantic gestures is quashed.
If you want to read up on an "idealized" relationship, sheck out the story of the one time President of Germany during the 90's Richard Von Weizaecker
Sat Mar 13 2010 - 11:01 am
Xhrissyfur- a personal aside here...Wow! Love seeing this side of you! The "cream has floated to the top"...nice, dude! Very nice!
wink,wink; nudge, nudge!
love'n'light,
Smerk ;}
Sat Mar 13 2010 - 12:41 pm
Well I hate to encourage the prevailing wisdom of the board that all men are like rats, but there is something to say for positive reinforcement.
In other words reward the behavior of his you want to bring out.
Why will you never say you love him? All women have always said this to me first.
Sat Mar 13 2010 - 01:54 pm
Because women don't want to be in love with a man that is not in love with us. I know it's the same the other way around. But the man basically leads the relationship (does most of the pursuing and asking). So when a woman tells a man she loves him first and more often it just doesn't feel right, it feels unnatural.
Sat Apr 03 2010 - 06:40 am
Hi all, wow an interesting thread thanks heaps for all the advise and for sharing your experiences. Xhristopherus I love your idea about being romantic with your guy and then whispering tag your it! I will definitely be trying this one out at some stage. Well it has been over a month since my first posting and we have now been together for over six months. Still no 'I love you's from my bf'. Maybe he is just not feeling it or maybe it's just such a big huge deal for him that he wants to be really sure I don't know. We had a wonderful weekend away for a friends wedding a couple of weeks ago, and at the end of the night, he said to me in his drunken, sleepy, happy state that he thinks i'm "lovely".... I have in my weak moments told him i'll miss him and had to prompt him for a "of course I miss you too"... and that's about it. He's still always arranging future dates with me, making an effort to drive the hour it is from his place to mine even when he is tired to stick to what he said he would do. He made a comment the other night that he wants to keep me happy and I can see that he does make an effort. But still very little in the emotional opening up the heart stakes. I still flirt with him a lot and make an effort with my appearance which I know he finds sexy.... but yeah not sure what more I can do. Was considering talking to him about it and saying, I'm not sure you're that into me.... or have the right feelings for me and seeing where that conversation goes. But I like to be in control, and remain confident and self assured and really don't want to have to go down that path. But what else can I do. Yes I can try and be more romantic but I have done that before, but in a different way. Not sure what to do....
Tue May 25 2010 - 09:39 pm
Hi Hopefulone, how's it going? I just realized no one ever responded back to you yet on this (things get buried over time). Even though it's now a month and a half later....
It sounds like things are still going well to me but I do understand your frustration that he's not said it yet. What he has said and done still sounds promising! Lexy
Wed May 26 2010 - 11:10 am
Hopefulone - your post so replicates my situation it's as though I wrote it! My boyfriend is exactly the same - was really open about how he was feeling at the beginning (when I was still finding my feet so I didn't say much back) and now he never says things like "you make me happy" "you're so special" "I can't believe I found you" etc like he used to. Like you he treats me really well, always calls, texts etc, is helpful, has my friends and family (and I've met some of his) but no "I love you". My boyfriend hasn't been in a relationship for 2.5 years and hasn't been in a serious one for 4.5 years (I'm 36, he's 33) and I know he's scared of getting hurt so is holding back emotionally a bit (he's admitted as much).
I've got a feeling that men stop with the affection/sweet words for 2 reasons - 1) the initial infatuation/falling in love phase has eased off and 2) they're getting serious about you/thinking about the future so pulling back a bit so they don't get hurt. My boyfriend has certainly admitted that he's thought about the future with me (marriage and babies) and that it scares him a bit because 'it's so grown up' (he admits he's a little emotionally immature but aren't most men?).
Like you I've tried pulling back a bit and not being as affectionate but it drives me crazy because, if I don't initiate affection he rarely will and we can end up sitting on the sofa for 2 hours without touching each other which makes me feel like we're friends or something! I always give in in the end and lean into him (he always puts his arm around me when I do that).
A month or so I brought up the fact that he wasn't as affectionate/was less verbal/didn't look me in the eye as much and he said he wasn't aware that he was doing it and it wasn't his way of turning our relationship into a FWB situation (something I was worried about). He said I was absolutely, definitely his girlfriend and he'd be absolutely gutted if I split up with him. Next time I saw him he made a huge effort to hug me and look me in the eye (so much so that 'I' got embarrassed!). The second time I saw him after the conversation...not so much. TBH I think the less affection/less verbal thing is much more comfortable for him. Sometimes he's just not in that kind of headspace (work stress etc) but of course I want his eyes to light up at the sight of me (we're in a LDR so see each other twice month) and him sweep me off my feet.
Ah, women. We're such dreamers/romantics.
I stay stick with him. He'll come round again. I think it's either a fear or a comfortable thing/phase. (That's what I'm hoping for my boyfriend anyway!)
Wed May 26 2010 - 03:06 pm
Lexy,
Thank you for resurecting this thread at exactly the right time for me. I remember reading Xhris's response above, but had forgotten all about it.
Currently I'm dealing with a little of this 'attention deficit' behavior myself - see end of Setting Boundaries thread. My guy isn't very touchy feely either, but he does try to make me happy. I think Daisy is on target with the individual comfort levels. They want us to be happy with them, but eventually we 'train' them to return to their comfort level equilibrium. Shaking things up a bit with my bf right now, but things are looking up.
"Tag! You're it!" I like that.....
SZ
Wed May 26 2010 - 03:58 pm
Im only a lil baby 19 year old. BUT i have to say that I've already had my fair share of these situations... and to be honest im in one currently, the same, identical situation that you described at the beginning of this thread.....
You get a boyfriend
You get spoilt rotten, he makes so much effort
Your both loved up
Suddenly he is cold and just normal
Your unhappy
The guy never understands why
Cummon lets get real, guys arnt really that soppy and cheesy, unless of coarse they happen to be gay... who are like your best friends haha
Like previously stated once the cat catches the mouse, the cat is too proud to think the mouse is gonna escape. Its like guys once they feel like your head over heels with them they just stop bothering... Im sure they dont do it on purpose obv. think its just natural... its the point where they are relaxed with you and coz they think they have you, they feel there is no need to win you over any more.
If i look for attention and affection from my boyfriend, i simple ask him for it. if i dont get it then i just shrug and either strop or watch tv etc lol. and if it ever gets to the point where ive had enough of it.. then i will tell him and say well it aint working. If he dont change then there IS MORE MEN OUT THER FOR YOU!!!!!
As the whole love thing. Ive had guys say it after a month, even weeks. and i think once after 2months... ive always been paranoid when my boyfriends never said it early on.. but now i no that even the ones that did, did not genuinely mean it. and neither did i. Must have said it to at least 5guys... not once have i meant it...
Me and my current had a discussion about this a couple of weeks ago. and we think that people become pressured into saying it. and the main reason why people do, is because of infatuation or cause they are scared thats what they need to do keep a relationship going. but what happens after? I have friends who say it in EVERY SINGLE TEXT and after EVERY SINGLE CALL... to be honest, i wud get bored. LOVE is unique and i dont believe it needs to be said unless, you no the person your with inside out, lived with them, had experiences with them, and just love them that you would do anything in the world for.
Love can definitely get confused with infatuation, some people just want to be loved... I have very very strong feelings for my current boyfriend... dont get me wrong id love for him to turn around and say I LOVE YOU, but id rather wait... i think the build up to him telling me is gonna be amazing....
But thats me. my brother and his girlfriend met at 15, said I LOVE YOU after a couple of months and are now 25.. and so so so in love. Everyone is different.
Everyone's perfect man is out there.... just go with your guts :) <3
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