How do you know if he's 'the one'?

HI there,
I totally sympathize with this question! It took me YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of an essentially unfulfilling relationship that seemed to be "perfect" on paper to finally start believing what people say. When you know, you know. If you don't know, you should probably keep looking. At some point, you may decide to make a rational decision and say, ok, this is not my soulmate, but I want to have kids and a family and I'm in a solid partnership with a good person. If you're the type of person who can do this, and not feel 'cheated' for the rest of your life, then that's absolutely fine. But if you're banging your head against the wall trying to figure out whether someone is "the one," my guess is that you're looking for a unique connection. It's a rare thing, but it is possible, and I think it's well worth holding out for. I'd be really interested in hearing other people's advice on this too... Good luck!

Hey SB2,
I definitely agree with you. You can have many soulmates and you can "know" that you want to build a life with many people. But what if you're unsure after you've given the relationship a fair chance (perhaps that means a few years) and you still don't know... then what?

Jeu :)

Thanks, SB2, I will look for the book. In my case, what was missing was a level of warmth, optimism, intellectual compatibility and deeper connection that I've been trying to put my finger on for six years. I kept telling myself: "everything else is perfect, don't be so picky." But then we would end up having dinner after dinner in complete silence because we couldn't find things in common to talk about beyond the most banal. I wish I had realized a few years into the relationship that he wasn't "the one" (or one of the possible "ones"). He is going to make a lucky woman incredibly happy. Just not me.

Hi SB2,

Such great advice; I wish we'd talked about four years ago.

Yes, I have in fact ended it, six weeks ago. He is angry, but being civil. Nothing in his reaction has made me rethink the decision.

It took falling head over heels for someone else (a new friend, nothing has happened) to really wake me up. I finally realized, wow, there is another world of connection out there.

I feel guilty for staying for such a long time, but now that we've separated (thankfully we never married) it also feels like an enormous weight has lifted off my shoulders...

Now, at 31, I'm trying not to rush into anything but I do feel like I wasted the best years. At least I think I learned a huge lesson. It seems like a scary world out there and I'm so grateful for DWD and people like you on these boards, which I found just yesterday.

Jeu :)