For me it is the unique connection, initially I am looking for a very strong intellectual connection coupled with powerful mutual sexual attraction. If emotional connection builds, it is the perfect triangle for me. There are other elements of compatibility that are probably not covered by these three dimensions, but this is a good base to go from for me.

Knowing 'he is the one' is really mostly about trusting yourself to make a decision expecting the best, being ready to work on the relationship, and actually having faith in yourself to know that whatever happens, you are strong and wise enough to deal with it.

We don't have a crystal ball. So 'knowing he is the one' is really knowing YOU are ready for a good relationship based on the data on him you have so far.

Hi Everyone.

I was just checking my e-mails and this is Paige's dating dish for today!

HI there,
I totally sympathize with this question! It took me YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of an essentially unfulfilling relationship that seemed to be "perfect" on paper to finally start believing what people say. When you know, you know. If you don't know, you should probably keep looking. At some point, you may decide to make a rational decision and say, ok, this is not my soulmate, but I want to have kids and a family and I'm in a solid partnership with a good person. If you're the type of person who can do this, and not feel 'cheated' for the rest of your life, then that's absolutely fine. But if you're banging your head against the wall trying to figure out whether someone is "the one," my guess is that you're looking for a unique connection. It's a rare thing, but it is possible, and I think it's well worth holding out for. I'd be really interested in hearing other people's advice on this too... Good luck!

Jeu,

I don't believe in just one SoulMate...I think many people can fill that role, sometimes it's a close friend, a family member. Think about the people in your life with whom you connect on a special level, they are soulmates...
As far as a love partner, it is possible for someone to become this to you but it can take time, no snap judgements should be placed on this. If the person you are with fills much of what you are looking for, then give them the chance to become one of the soulmates you will find throughout your life...

IMO
SB2
xoxo

Hey SB2,
I definitely agree with you. You can have many soulmates and you can "know" that you want to build a life with many people. But what if you're unsure after you've given the relationship a fair chance (perhaps that means a few years) and you still don't know... then what?

Jeu :)

Jeu,
I would say, if you have been with someone a few years and still don't know, then that person is not the one...not your 'the one' anyway.
Why are you not sure, what is there missing in this person that you are looking for???
There is a book you might want to take a peek at called, "How to Make Someone Fall In Love With YOU, in 90 seconds"...it's interesting from the perspective that it talks about matched opposites. You might find the information very helpful, a guide if you will to seeing yourself and your partner in a different light...

xxoo
SB2

Thanks, SB2, I will look for the book. In my case, what was missing was a level of warmth, optimism, intellectual compatibility and deeper connection that I've been trying to put my finger on for six years. I kept telling myself: "everything else is perfect, don't be so picky." But then we would end up having dinner after dinner in complete silence because we couldn't find things in common to talk about beyond the most banal. I wish I had realized a few years into the relationship that he wasn't "the one" (or one of the possible "ones"). He is going to make a lucky woman incredibly happy. Just not me.

Jeu,
All the things you listed that were not working for you, are extremely important, unless you have been married for 60 years..you know your relationship does not have the olympic runner's legs it requires to reach the finish line together..if you sit in silence at dinner after dinner...time to put on your sneakers and RUN...you'll find the right guy, who knows, he may be out there jogging, right now!!!
Good Luck,

SB2
xxoo
p.s. let me know what you do and what his reaction is...it does sound like you're going to end it??

Hi SB2,

Such great advice; I wish we'd talked about four years ago.

Yes, I have in fact ended it, six weeks ago. He is angry, but being civil. Nothing in his reaction has made me rethink the decision.

It took falling head over heels for someone else (a new friend, nothing has happened) to really wake me up. I finally realized, wow, there is another world of connection out there.

I feel guilty for staying for such a long time, but now that we've separated (thankfully we never married) it also feels like an enormous weight has lifted off my shoulders...

Now, at 31, I'm trying not to rush into anything but I do feel like I wasted the best years. At least I think I learned a huge lesson. It seems like a scary world out there and I'm so grateful for DWD and people like you on these boards, which I found just yesterday.

Jeu :)

jeu u might think that u wasted your best years and if i had that attitude i would say that i wasted four yrs on that fool that cause me hurt and blah blah blah...the thing is when i look back ..yes i am upset but this relationship taught me what i didnt want in the future relationships...he made me a smarter woman and now i can smell a player a ten thousand miles away....and the thing is when he realise that i have no intention of speaking to him any more well thats his loss.....so jeu and other ladies out there take your time and find the good and the bad in each relationship cause these things make us better women and relationship partners

Thanks, SP, you're totally right. My problem is that I haven't really ever had a relationship that started out with these games...

My last two boyfriends were both super into me, and I was pretty laid back. In retrospect, I think the reason I was so laid back was that I knew deep down (very very very deep down in the case of the last one) that I wasn't in these relationships for the long haul.

I recently met someone I think the world of, and am really not sure what to make of the situation. If you have time to read a longish post, the whole thing is here:

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/content/friend

Please point me to any recent posts of yours, too.

- Jeu

PS Charlotte, sorry to take the thread off topic in the couple of posts above!

I'm not sure but when you think you might have the one don't be afraid to go somewehere just for fear of losing him.

I have been through two long relationships and they are the only men I have truly cared about the others I dated were not a big deal. Like if we broke up I would laugh about it and call my girlfriends.
The first one was my first love, but then I found out over 2 years that we were together that he had cheated on me on numerous accasions. I broke up with him after I found out. One of the best decisions of my life. The guy im with now I have dated for about 2 1/2 years so far. I love him, and do not want to be with any one else. I am compfortable with him. We have our days where we are at each others throats and have good days. We are not married but we live together and it seems as though we are already married. Any one mentions if were going to get married and he acts like it is death. Which I dont understand. I know that he is the one for me because I have no desire to be with any one else. When were happy were really happy together. I think knowing their the one is not having a desire for any one else, but having a desire to have more of them, after spending at least a couple of years together.

Hi Charlotte

GREAT QUESTION... AND SUBJECT FOR DEBATE !!!

You CANNOT tell whether or not a guy is the one by "Feelings" or "Connection." Why, because... Feelings change constantly based upon a number of factors, such as, our Moods, Environment, Family/ Friends, Situations, etc. And, any Connection you form today can be broken tomorrow. Thus, if you would like to determine if a "Guy" is "The One," then I encourage you to do the following:

1) Inquire of "God"
2) Give the guy "Time" to reveal himself to you
3) Follow "His Actions" and put "His Actions" to the test
4) Discern within "Your Spirit"

I firmly believe God, Time, His Actions, and Your Spirit, is the ultimate way to determine if a "Guy, is The One."

LYNN

ps - feel free to read my story on (Understanding Men / Confused - Good Break-Up)

Good answer LSLynn. I like your responds. Inquire of aGod by praying. Yeah and God will reveal things to you. Period..

'How do I know if he's The One?' is the $64,000 question.

In fact, I would question the very notion of 'The One' itself as I believe that for many of us there may be more than one 'The One’. I think the term 'Mr Right' is better.

Here’s my personal list:

1) He’s intelligent, interesting, kind and thoughtful, I’m attracted to him physically and love him for who he is.

2) He treats me like a princess.

3) He is a ‘real man’ in that he’s strong, he takes care of me and won’t take any sh!t, but he is one of the few men on this planets who seems to ‘get’ that an apology (i.e., saying ‘I am sorry for what I said if it hurt your feelings’) does NOT mean losing an argument!

4) I don’t find myself *having* to try too hard to please him, yet find myself *wanting* to up my game and impress him.

5) I feel warm inside when he calls me at work rather than irritated because he's interrupted my busy day.

6) We’ve seen the worst of each other as well as the best and still want to be together. (Believe me, anyone who’s seen me first thing in the morning or with raging PMS will know that’s a HUGE deal!).

7) My friends and family think he’s great; I can go to any family gathering or social event knowing that he’ll make an effort to get along with people.

8) [AND HERE'S THE BIGGIE:] I want to have his children......but if (God forbid) if we found out he couldn’t have children, I’d rather stay with him and try to adopt or even remain childless than find another man or go back to any of my exes.

9) If I had the choice: win the lottery and have any man on the planet, or stay just as I am in my just-about-pays-the-bills job and clunky old car and have him – I’d pick the latter.

10) Even when the ‘fizz’ has long since worn off, when we’re both old and bored and senile, I think we’ll still be best friends.

Smiler, I think I'm going to cry. :) Good for you. Love the list.

Lol! Thanks Jeu :-) I re-read my post and nearly deleted it as it's a bit vomit-inducing...ah well, am going to enjoy the soppiness while it lasts!

Lot of interesting suggestions. In my case, I wasn't sure when I first started dating him, but decided to just test the water. Then after a few months of dating, we understood each other so much that we just couldn't imagine being without each other. The best part - I could be totally myself without worrying that I am going to scare him away! I wasn't afraid that he'll break up with me when I voice my concerns. After we've have had a fight, we get back, and still love each other the same (or sometimes even more) as we loved before the fight. we could just be ourselves, and have a partner to share the experiences of life.
It is not necessary to know that "he is the one" when you first meet him! But after a few months of dating, if you can be together without loosing yourself, or being traumatised; (and this doesn't mean you've not had fights) then he's surely the one.

I think you do just know if its right,there are no doubts,no questions.Its the missing bit of your jig saw.

PS. A male friend said once imagine the man dies - how would you react and for how long.Then you can measure the emotional connection

I was with a man for 15 years... 15 horrible long years.. we were married and had a child (who is the love of my life). I finally got out last year and I must say it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I work at a store and one day a customer asked me out for coffee.. That was 3 months ago and I must say that was also a great decision to go.

This man is every thing I ever wanted. He is kind, thoughtful, easy to laugh, caring, thinks about me first, and is very gentle. Although it has only been 3 months, it feels like we have known each other for years.. He feels like my best friend and I adore him.

We talk for hours(sometimes into the wee hours of the morning) we are so enjoying getting to know each other. Tonight he told me that he loved me while we were watching a hockey game.. It was the most romantic thing ever.

I know he is the one.

Hi, my name is Hannah and im kinda new to the whole dating thing and i need some tips if my closest guy friend is into me, i mean he flirts with me nobody else and hes funny around me but no one else. I'm just really cofused but my eamail is: yahnkhanjb10k@aol.com

I just need some tips sp please if you have any tips then please e-mail me.

if you need any more ddeatails just say because im willing to do what ever it takes to find out.

P.S but not anything.

hi im hannah you seem like you've had a ton of experience. so i do i know if hes the one???? if you need details to help me figure it out just say so. if you can help e-mail me at: yahnkhanjb10k@aol.com

Hannah

First, may I suggest that you do not post your personal email address on a public website. You never know who may be lurking and you are potentially asking for trouble by doing so. If nothing else you are likely to be bombarded by spam.

Go back and edit it out of your posts.

Second, please apply a little patience. You can't expect everyone to just jump and reply to you.

If you don't mind me saying, you seem quite young, too young in fact to be worrying about whether he's 'the one'. Suggest you stick around and read the boards, there are plenty of stories about women's experience with guys, from all walks of life. I'm sure you will pick up some tips.