HOW CAN U TELL IF THE GUY U R DATING IS BEING HONEST ABOUT WHY HE DIVORCED?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 04:55 pm
As you all know I have just met "THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD" for me! LOLOL
He is pursuing me, we are on the same page as far as relationships go, he is coming back to my city this weekend to see me and he is a complete gentleman and might I add...HE IS A MAN!! NOT A MALE BUT A REAL MAN!
Ok, with that being said...he has been divorced for 8 years. He has been in 2 long term relationship since the divorce. I asked him what caused the demise of his marriage and for the life of me I cannot remember what he said and the little things that I do remember are just things like, they weren't in love, it just didn't work out and going in the same direction, they got married for the wrong reasons, etc...but he has said that it had nothing to do with adultery, abuse or anything like that! He said that I could talk to his ex anytime I wanted to b/c he has nothing to hide and that they are good friends for the sake of their son. Which I love...I hate when people divorce and can't get along!
So if I don't talk to this ex for a long time to come and my feelings get really wrapped up into this guy...how will I know what really happened? Is he sugarcoating something? On the outside he is THE BEST CATCH...so why would she let him go?
I am going to address this again while looking him in his eyes this weekend...but how do you all suggest I bring it up?
Thanks ladies
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 05:09 pm
Dear itspossible,
My advice is just to leave it. At least for the time being. In my view his explanation is completely reasonable. The fact that they get along well for the sake of the child is extremely encouraging. Why do you need to dig deeper at this stage anyway?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 05:10 pm
first--this was 8 years ago. Neither he nor his ex are the same person now. Are you the same person you were 8 years ago?
Second - is he a generally honest person? Do you have any reason to doubt anything else he says?
Third -- Does it really matter? the past is called the past for a reason. Its past. You have a past.
Fourth -- It may be painful for him, or he may be afraid that you will react badly. He will tell you in his own good time.
Personally I think you are making a big deal out of nothing.
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:46 pm
ok thanks ladies!
no he doesn't display any type of dishonesty (but most men don't in the initial stages).
I guess the reason to dig deeper is to find out more of what kind of man he is/was or might be. I mean if he beat her or cheated on his wife...to me that would be a big red flag...not to say he would do it again, but hey..the chance would be greater!
his past DOES matter to me...like the quote goes...how can you know your future if you don't know your past or where you come from...so yes his past is BIG TO ME! I don't need to know every argument or fight, or anything like that...but I do want to know what was the real reason for them both to say its ok to let this go!
Now I do believe that he might give me more info in due time...just want to know now to maybe stop things if they aren't right...don't feel like getting hurt again!
BUT THANKS LADIES...GOOD POINTS!
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:59 pm
Can I just make a couple of points:
1. I realise that you have been hurt before, but try still to assume the best until there is some reason to question your original assumption
2. You will NEVER know exactly what happened between them. Good decent people break up and it is very sad, but it is not a sign that there is something wrong with them
3. You are in the lovely phase of your relationship, don't mess it up with your unfounded suspicions, just let it go, at least for the time being
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:04 pm
possible,
I am going to assume you have a past and relationships that have not worked out...would you want him to contact your ex's and have character references on you done?
Really, his past is none of your business...It is the present that belongs to you...It is up to you to learn him...not for others to teach you about him...
xoxoxxo
ps..personally I would never go there! not now or ever...you will learn of his history as you meet his friends and family...leave the ex wife out of it! If I had a guy do this to me..It would be the last date I had with him...Even if he just asked to do it....it would be done...and I have nothing hide! and a great friendship with my ex as well..
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:21 pm
Sounds to me like he ruled out some very good reasons that would be in my mind. So, accept what you have this far and as you get closer way down the road maybe you can raise the subject by talking about your past experience.
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:18 pm
Oh Wise one!
1. VERY GOOD PT...I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GIVE THE "NEW" GUYS A CLEAN SLATE B/C OF WHAT THE OLD GUYS DID! I WILL HOWEVER WORK ON THAT WITH THIS GUY!
2. This true too...I'm not saying that it was something bad, but just in case it is on his part, then I would like to know what to look for or leave for.
3. It is such a lovely phase right now! I can't help but smile everytime I think aobut him or hear his voice or get a text message!
OK, I WILL KEEP ALL OF THESE IN MIND! THANKS
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:21 pm
Part of his past is very much a womans business, for example revealing a past can show if there are patterns of abuse or addictions, etc. So I for one would definitely want to know about my guys past and Steve and me talked about that early on. That way i have a choice of whether or not this man seems suitable and of course we only have a persons word and then the actions (like Strong mentioned) will speak for themself. But it seems he already ruled these things out so go with the flo for now.
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:27 pm
I completely agree with StrongEnough, the idea of somebody digging into my past would be a red flag for me too. I don't have anything to hide either, my ex would give me the most glowing reference :), but it would make me think that the digging person has trust issues and very poor boundaries.
It is a fine line between keeping your eyes open and noticing whether there is anything that worries you AND really giving another person the first degree.
If you want to do digging, instead, do a bit of digging into yourself and try to reflect a little bit why you are so anxious about it ;). I don't know your relationship history very well, I am aware that you were badly hurt by your FWB, but surely it is a bit more complex than that.
This guy sounds absolutely wonderful, I really really hope things will work out great between you two!!! You SO deserve it.
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:29 pm
Wow! I guess I am coming from a totally different direction, because if the two people are mature adults and have lived...they have a past and I would think that both people would like a heads up. I refuse to get involved with someone who won't willingly share...that tells me he has something to hide and I guess I just don't like guessing games. We don't need all of the details that wouldn't matter to us, but the meaningful ones are important to know about.
What if the man is a thief (for instance) what if he is a drunk (but hiding it for now)...these type of things, or what is his history with children...all extremely important to me.
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