Dear itspossible,

My advice is just to leave it. At least for the time being. In my view his explanation is completely reasonable. The fact that they get along well for the sake of the child is extremely encouraging. Why do you need to dig deeper at this stage anyway?

first--this was 8 years ago. Neither he nor his ex are the same person now. Are you the same person you were 8 years ago?

Second - is he a generally honest person? Do you have any reason to doubt anything else he says?

Third -- Does it really matter? the past is called the past for a reason. Its past. You have a past.

Fourth -- It may be painful for him, or he may be afraid that you will react badly. He will tell you in his own good time.

Personally I think you are making a big deal out of nothing.

ok thanks ladies!
no he doesn't display any type of dishonesty (but most men don't in the initial stages).
I guess the reason to dig deeper is to find out more of what kind of man he is/was or might be. I mean if he beat her or cheated on his wife...to me that would be a big red flag...not to say he would do it again, but hey..the chance would be greater!
his past DOES matter to me...like the quote goes...how can you know your future if you don't know your past or where you come from...so yes his past is BIG TO ME! I don't need to know every argument or fight, or anything like that...but I do want to know what was the real reason for them both to say its ok to let this go!

Now I do believe that he might give me more info in due time...just want to know now to maybe stop things if they aren't right...don't feel like getting hurt again!

BUT THANKS LADIES...GOOD POINTS!

Can I just make a couple of points:

1. I realise that you have been hurt before, but try still to assume the best until there is some reason to question your original assumption

2. You will NEVER know exactly what happened between them. Good decent people break up and it is very sad, but it is not a sign that there is something wrong with them

3. You are in the lovely phase of your relationship, don't mess it up with your unfounded suspicions, just let it go, at least for the time being

possible,

I am going to assume you have a past and relationships that have not worked out...would you want him to contact your ex's and have character references on you done?

Really, his past is none of your business...It is the present that belongs to you...It is up to you to learn him...not for others to teach you about him...

xoxoxxo

ps..personally I would never go there! not now or ever...you will learn of his history as you meet his friends and family...leave the ex wife out of it! If I had a guy do this to me..It would be the last date I had with him...Even if he just asked to do it....it would be done...and I have nothing hide! and a great friendship with my ex as well..

Sounds to me like he ruled out some very good reasons that would be in my mind. So, accept what you have this far and as you get closer way down the road maybe you can raise the subject by talking about your past experience.

Oh Wise one!
1. VERY GOOD PT...I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GIVE THE "NEW" GUYS A CLEAN SLATE B/C OF WHAT THE OLD GUYS DID! I WILL HOWEVER WORK ON THAT WITH THIS GUY!
2. This true too...I'm not saying that it was something bad, but just in case it is on his part, then I would like to know what to look for or leave for.
3. It is such a lovely phase right now! I can't help but smile everytime I think aobut him or hear his voice or get a text message!
OK, I WILL KEEP ALL OF THESE IN MIND! THANKS

Part of his past is very much a womans business, for example revealing a past can show if there are patterns of abuse or addictions, etc. So I for one would definitely want to know about my guys past and Steve and me talked about that early on. That way i have a choice of whether or not this man seems suitable and of course we only have a persons word and then the actions (like Strong mentioned) will speak for themself. But it seems he already ruled these things out so go with the flo for now.

I completely agree with StrongEnough, the idea of somebody digging into my past would be a red flag for me too. I don't have anything to hide either, my ex would give me the most glowing reference :), but it would make me think that the digging person has trust issues and very poor boundaries.

It is a fine line between keeping your eyes open and noticing whether there is anything that worries you AND really giving another person the first degree.

If you want to do digging, instead, do a bit of digging into yourself and try to reflect a little bit why you are so anxious about it ;). I don't know your relationship history very well, I am aware that you were badly hurt by your FWB, but surely it is a bit more complex than that.

This guy sounds absolutely wonderful, I really really hope things will work out great between you two!!! You SO deserve it.

Wow! I guess I am coming from a totally different direction, because if the two people are mature adults and have lived...they have a past and I would think that both people would like a heads up. I refuse to get involved with someone who won't willingly share...that tells me he has something to hide and I guess I just don't like guessing games. We don't need all of the details that wouldn't matter to us, but the meaningful ones are important to know about.

What if the man is a thief (for instance) what if he is a drunk (but hiding it for now)...these type of things, or what is his history with children...all extremely important to me.

I wouldn't go near the ex for sure.

I see, oh little darlin, but how do you go about finding out in an appropriate manner, still respecting another person's boundaries. It is my understanding that itspossible's man DID share and went further than many people would go by offering the option of her contacting the ex. What else can one do at this point?

SE...yes I have a past and no I wouldn't want him asking an ex about me...but HE IS THE ONE WHO SAID HE HAD NOTHING TO HIDE AND THAT I COULD TALK TO THE EX AT ANY TIME....now even though it will probably be a nice long time before even interacting with her (he has a 10 year son by her and I am sure if we continue and maybe even get married that I will have to talk to her at some point...now 9 times out of 10, I won't be asking her about him at all..unless she opens the door).
Now SE...I have to disagree..I think the past is very important and very much my business if we continue dating! I will agree with you that I will learn a lot about him from his family and friends..you are correct with that! So hopefully I will get to meet them in the near future!

O.L.D......thanks for your comment! I am in agreement with you!
Past is IMPORTANT!

If his divorce was 8 years ago, I don't see why you are so concerned. If it was 2 or 3 years ago, that's one thing. I think you need to base things on how he treats you and not how he treated or didn't treat his ex-wife of 8 years ago. Lord knows that I've treated guys in my past like crap b/c they deserved it or b/c I just wasn't into them. But that doesn't mean that I treat every guy like that.

wise, as me and Steve were getting to know each other over the phone we volunteered some stuff a little at a time and when he would start i chimed in with questions (not too many) just enough to get a feel for him and he did the same, although I asked more than he. There are things each of us won't volunteer that probably would have no effect on the relationship. Once we got the information about each other, apparently we felt comfortable enough to move forward and it just doesn't come up anymore unless someone is making a reference to the conversation at hand. It went smoothly and no one was offended...as a matter of fact I recall Steve saying he has nothing to hide and would be glad to share. That put me at ease to a point, at least until we get to spend more time together.

Well my original question is how can I be sure he is really being honest about why they divorced...not so much as start snooping and digging into his past...already did that (he don't know that I had a background check done on him before he came to my city...didn't want any problems with someone living out of town and met on a website...so I just had my cousin look into things, she works for the govt. and he came out clean-as far as not being in jail, etc.)...but his character and integrity remains to be seen!

wise, to answer the last part of your post as i said in the other post (not the last) go with the flo since he comes across as being honest since he ruled out some real important no nos and said she could even check it out. So for now go with the flo and as they become more attached she can then feel him out along the way as he can do with her.

itspossibe...none of us know! You have a heads up, now relax and enjoy the relationship and as was said on here, you will learn a lot by his actions...just pay attention. :)

Yes, oh little darlin, I think once you feel more comfortable with somebody and the conversation goes smoothly and naturally, it is obviously helpful to know what the other person's patterns are.

I maybe misunderstood how far somebody would potentially go in order to try to find out the minute details. Also I think the intention is important. It will be very palpable if somebody is looking for something very dark. If handled badly, it may be very damaging.

Wow, you girls mean business :). Government checks and everything, gosh. I am pretty speechless. You must have been burnt really bad in the past. I am really sorry. I better shut up.

Actually what is sad..oh wise one...is I would never had done that if he lived here...but for some reason, after talking to him and him wanting to meet me in my city...I wanted to know who this man was or where has he been.

There is so much that I don't get from a check of his background and I look forward to finding those things out on my own while enjoying his company!

I don't want to be the woman zoning in on the negative and looking for something wrong...I want to really get into him as he is getting into me and just loving how he treats me and vice versa!

I think he has so much potential until its almost scarey!

But yes, the last FWB hurt me pretty bad and to the core!

Good. He sounds like a top guy and really into you, so I just wish you all the very best!!!

thanks wise...and actually his actions are really lining up with his words...now this weekend will only be date #2...but our conversations are so long and deep, that it seems like we have know each other for longer than 2 mths! he is someone to keep in my life no matter if we marry or stay good friends...I believe he has a great heart and out look on life! I hope its marriage, b/c I can see myself falling for this guy...

I know you're in the first flush of a really great sounding relationship, but I can't help but notice you're already talking (to us at least) about marriage and long term commitment when really you've only had one date.

Can I just be the voice of reason here a wee bit, and suggest you hang back just a bit? The trouble with going in boots and all so quickly is you might miss a few golden opportunities to really find out about a man.

With respect to your concerns about his past, rather than ask him what went wrong from the past, maybe you could try asking him about the sort of qualities he's looking for in a relationship? Keep concentrating on the positives and look to the future as that way you'll atract more of those qualities. Trust me, you'll also get to know him a whole lot better if you ask him to describe the ideal woman, or the ideal relationship. The questions about what he's looking for need not be confrontational as they can just be part of the whole dating experience. Hopefully by you asking him what he likes/wants will also open up the opportunity for him to ask you what you're looking for as well. After all, it's a two way street here! Don't forget he needs to qualify for you as well!

Oooh, I am so excited for you!!

It sounds like I need to clarify my stance on this subject...

Of course a person's past is important...it is what makes us who we are today...

If he is a drug addict, abuser, liar, cheater and manipulator etc...Clearly a huge problem...And something that would be nice to know immediately up front! Wouldn't it nice if it was just written across their foreheads the second we meet them? Unfortunately, there is nothing about life and people that is that easy to learn...

With that being said, my understanding from the post above was that the way you were gong to get the answers to those questions was by contacting the ex...Which I believe is very much out of line...We are not going to learn every single detail of a persons life, history, personality and character over night...it takes time...it takes awareness and patience..If you are looking for the red ribbon of clearance post stamp and treat everyone with such a guard...you are going to run everyone off in your path...

I do not mean to sound insensitive to your fears...or your past...we ALL have a past and WE all have an occasional fear...It is how we manage it, learn from it and grow from it that makes the difference...it is our issue to work out not your PARTNERS...

Bottom line..Yes his past is important to you..over time you will learn about him and his past......TIME....NOT an EX WIFE.....

xoxoxoxxo

I so understand where itspossible is coming from with the background checks, have done only one in my past. But there is so much around about these sleazy predator types that background checks are a good idea and no one has to be the wiser (except wise) ;) Guys do them also, I have been told by one. It's just used as a sort of safety net, although not 100% like itspossible mentioned. Truth is, some peoples past is way worse than others, unfortunately and although we should only base our judgements of the person on who he is today, if he murdered someone in cold blood years ago....eeehhhh, NOT!

Yes Strong I think all men should come with a bracelet that list all their bad boy experiences. Ha!

Trace, that is how I approached my questions to Steve, with respect and some level of intelligence and it doesn't come across as cross examining, as none of us would appreciate that tone. :)

wise, regarding the background checks (which are quite common now) it's not so much about our past experiences as it is making sure (as much as we can) that this guy is not a mass murderer or rapist or child molester.

I have to say with Steve, my gut told me he is a decent guy and so I have no desire to do a check. :)

I keep talking about Steve!! wtf!???

Sometimes when we go into relationship, it brings up our own vulnerabilities. If we've had a past situation involving lying, cheating or any of the other negative situations described, then naturally, we are quite protective about that, and we place barriers up to keep us safe.

However, the reality is, you risk getting hurt anyway. It's not so much the barriers that will keep you safe but it's the natural confidence we have inside that these things are in the past, we've dealt with them, (either taken responsibility for our actions or forgiven someone for causing hurt) and we're now walking a different path.

If there are any fears here from your past (and I can certainly understand if that is the case), then gently deal with those yourself. Try not to let your fears ruin a really good potential future relationship.

I don't think I have ever wanted to forgive idiots! Sorry, that's just not me. but I hear and get what you are saying...makes good sense.

Darlin,

The only person we hurt when we hold onto it is ourselves...we must let it go for our own well being....

I can let THEM go without forgiving their a$$hole behavior.

I agree with Trace. You have only been on one date with this guy so far. I remember with the first guy I met this summer on POF, we had the most amazing conversations about everything under the sun. He did everything right. He talked about how, if we did not end up together, we would definitely end up as great friends. He said all the right things, we had tons in common, and then he disappeared.

And the funny thing is that one of my now good female friends apparently went out on a date with him in August as well and he was TOTALLY different with her.

Point being my original point that the same person can act totally different with Person A than with Person B.

Re post #25: yes, Trace, I totally agree, but as long as itspossible is only talking about marriage to us, it's OK. My lovely mother said that she thought my Dad was the man she was going to marry after the very first time he kissed her. They have been together for 53 years and still genuinely in love and actually still fancy each other like crazy... aaaah! :)

Re post #27: oh little darlin, now I am quite scared for once! None of these things had ever even gone through my mind for one second. Never. Oh, dear!!!

I don't want to make light of it at all as I realise some women on this forum have had very dramatic, even dangerous experiences and it is actually a very serious issue. I feel really humbled and realise that anybody (however wise :) who goes 'I have very good instincts about people and I know for certain it would never happen to me' is obviously being rather arrogant and self-righteous, so I have no interest or inclination to take that route.

However, it is all about balance and knowing where to draw the line, taking calculated risks.

I agree that it's important to have a picture about someone's past, and the older we get, the more baggage one has. But that said, common sense also needs to be used - and there's a fine line between wanting to know someone and paranoia. If you feel at ease and trust someone, then you have to take a leap of faith occasionally and assume that they are telling the truth. If they give indications otherwise - or your instincts tell you is something wrong - then by all means follow your nose and dig deeper, but until or unless that happens, how about just chilling out and enjoying stuff? For goodness sake, dating's a hard enough game as it is without bringing up 'problems' which probably do not even exist!

We all have a past, and as several people have already stated, we all change.
Divorce is never one sided.
Often times there is a situation where someone's behavior is severe and divorce is the outcome.
My ex-hub was/is such a severe alcoholic that he was in a coma for 5 days. He refuses treatment. He didn't pay taxes for 7 years and lied to me about it. (long story). Now 4 years after leaving him I still receive bills in the mail from the IRS. (Several hundreds of thousands of dollars.) The kids and I got NOTHING in the divorce...we were homeless...no child support...(I am sure you've got my point, so I will stop now...)

MY POINT????
If someone asks me why I am divorced? I do NOT say it is 100% HIS fault. Marriage involves TWO people. He is not a bad person. All of this does not mean that he does not deserve to be loved by someone else. Just like I deserve to be loved by someone else. It is possible for him to stop drinking and make better decisions and a better life for himself.

I would hope that you get to know this man for a lengthy enough time to determine whether or not he is abusive, or an addict or something else that is a deal-breaker before you decide to spend the rest of your life with him.
It is a tad soon to be thinking about spending the rest of your life with this man, frankly. Right now you should be enjoying being courted. Cherish this time, don't ruin it by projecting. Life brings enough problems our way. We don't need to create them.

He has given you no reason to believe he is a liar. Be smart, but don't make problems for yourself.

ENJOY!
xoxo
'Nuts'

Good Morning nuts!!!
I was really miffed that the one post I wanted to edit had NO EDIT BUTTON. jeez!

How are you this fine, morning?

I heard from buits in an e-mail and had cleaning done hear at the ranch. there was alot going on here as well.

Some people call IT ironic, others call it scarey, and I call it intuition while many call it INTENTION - all I know is that I've got IT.
Auds
xoxox

good Morning Auds,

what post did u want to edit?
and WTF is this about ID theft? Are you serious?

NUTS! Remember that we all say:
Things happen for a reason!!!
Well, blow me down...

I THOUGHT IT WAS ID THEFT this time and in a way it WAS.
Ready?...
I just heard from "someone" across the pond.
IT WAS NOT who i (humilty here) thought it was...hehehe

IT WAS CA. Oh! My!
Another W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L Goddess.
DWD ladies, if you found your way HERE, then there's always HOPE.

I am so freakin' HAPPY now...
Auds
xoxox .... xoxoxox (this one's for you, ca)

Auds,

You have me lost and confused again...I must be a true blonde and from CA....Is this a different situation from the last one?

xoxoxoxoxo

YES, Strong. Last time I truly had ID theft:(
This time, CA called... just to say hello:)))

Don't worry about this woman; she is Goddess and her voice sounds just like artseyb who I met in AC.

artsey's voice (US) = ca's voice (UK) soft,upbeat, sweeet... Oh! My!

Auds,
xoxox

Fact is, men view divorce as a huge personal failure. We even convince ourselves of certain facts that may or may not be entirely accurate. after 8 years those details may become even fuzzier.

Other than he was caught red handed cheating on his ex wife (past behavior being indicative of future behavior), why would it matter to your current association with him what their reasons were for getting a divorce?

G'Morning Puffy. Everytime you state that FACT or it runs across my mind I THINK OF YOU:)))
Auds
xoxox

Holy smokes. I left work last night and this thread was brand new. There has sure been a firestorm of comments on this.

My 2 cents--ItsPossible--its simple.

What does your Crap-o-Meter say?

Pisces that I am, I tend to listen to my gut. Your women's intuition is probably spot on. Most of the time it is, and we get in trouble only when we invalidate that.

If your Crap-o-Meter is buzzing, ringing or smoking, then check with the ex. You have nothing to lose at that point anyway.

If not, relax. He sounds lika a great guy.

Check with the ex?

I have always made it a policy in life to never talk to people who are dating any ex f mine, I am not a source of intelligence, and I am certainly not an unbiased one.

I would hope all people with class would NEVER call someone's ex to find out the dirt on them.

Ditto!

I 100% agree with you Puffy!

If someone I was seeing snooped into my past rather than speaking to and trusting me?

Buh-Bye.

yes, of course. You only do that for confirmation if you have already seen huge red flags. By that time you are already prepared to say Buh-bye.

Personally I wouldn't bother, if I have already made the call and decided for whatever reason he could not be trusted.

Otherwise I would never even consider it.

Itspossible hasn't seen those red flags so definately don't do it