His ex comes back.. Trustworthy problem
Mon Oct 19 2009 - 04:45 am
My bf has met his ex since 3 years ago. she came to our country for business about 2 months. They were dating together. After she went back to her country. My bf realized that she has the other boyfriend in her hometown. Both of these guys were cheated.
However, she sometimes came for 2 week-business trip every month and kept dating him. My bf was very hurtful with this and end the relationship 6 months later. She's disappeared almost 2 years, during I've been dating my bf.
Last week, she came and call my bf to meet her. He went out with this girl and had dinner together without telling me, but softly admitted to me on the next day. He said they just talked about general things. This girl has no bf and wants to get back to him. My bf told her that he has me as a gf, but they could be friends.
I did say nothing because he told me what he has done. He said he want to keep this girl as friend and nothing more than that. He will ask me if he will meet her on next time.
I said nothing. I don't want to say something to hurt him or even myself.
This week, I asked him and he said the ex keeps calling him and they just talk as friend.
Even though I'm sure him not interested in this girl, she doesn't think so, that why she keeps calling my bf.
I trust in him but not in this girl, she's trying to get him back and I feel really bad. He said he can take care of our relationship but if I can't trust in him we can't keep the relaitonship going.
I feel insecured and he could sense it. he was upset because he thought "keeping this friend" is his personal matter and I shouldn't point what he has to do. He said if I don't satisfy with it because of untrustworthy, we should breakup.
You know, he never said like this before this girl coming. That makes me going crazy.
I ralize that "the talkW doesn't work.
I need you advice how to let him understand that I don't want this girl come to us and it can ruin the relationship. What should I do anything or not at all.
Thanks for reading./ Juryjae
Mon Oct 19 2009 - 07:17 am
JuryJae,
Hmm, sorry he was honest, but honest after the fact as if he had something to hide, if he didn't feel there was anything wrong with him seeing the ex, why didn't he tell you the same day, not after the deed had been done?
Right now you are in a very precarious situation, not knowing the truth or how he really feels about his ex. It is ok to have female friends, even ex's, that is not the problem, the problem arises when a man starts protecting the female friend or ex above the current girlfriend. It boils down to a matter of respect and honor for the current girlfriend, once those elements have been removed there is nothing you can do to get a man back on your side.
Of course he has never been like this before, because the problem has occurred before, it is happening now and making you feel a bit insecure, because you know, once he starts spending more time with her than you, the relationship is sure to crumble soon after.
Since you have expressed your concern and he has reassured you there is nothing going on with the ex, you have to respect him enough to know he is being trustworthy and means what he says. You have to drop the subject regain your confidence and let him continue to be the man he has always been.
Living together or not, I suggest you pull back in the relationship, continue to enjoy your wonderful life, hang out with friends, go to the mall, do whatever you love doing and let him handle the situation with the ex like a man should, with the strength he has. If he asks what is wrong, just let him know you just need a little time to figure out some things for your life.
Hang in there, do hope this helps.
Mon Oct 19 2009 - 10:03 am
Excellent advice to Jury, EJ.
" Right now you are in a very precarious situation, not knowing the truth or how he really feels about his ex.
It is ok to have female friends, even ex's, that is not the problem, the problem arises when a man starts protecting the female friend or ex above the current girlfriend. It boils down to a matter of respect and honor for the current girlfriend, once those elements have been removed there is nothing you can do to get a man back on your side.
-------------------------------------------------
Once those elements, RESPECT and HONOR for the current GF have been removed, in other words, once the TRUST is in question...
then "Houston, we've got a problem."
Again, this man had a previous relationship with her.
She shows up AGAIN.
He spends time with HER.
So, if she's being flirty, sexy, touching his hand... whatever -
trying to "get him back" then she is a threat to you.
What attracted him to her in the first place?
Auds
xoxox
Tue Oct 20 2009 - 04:05 am
Thanks EJ, your advice is very practical.
Aud, you always give me inner strength.
Since I don't want to show him my insecurity. I shut up talking about this girl. As long as he doesn't meet her twice, I keep quiet.
I've stopped spending weekend night with him since few weeks ago and attend tennis cousre on Sat-Sun morning because he always spend guy night out on weekend with his friends, so I stopped hanging around him and turn to do my stuff.
As Audrey asked me what he's attracted to her in the first place.
From my experience, this guy's fascinated in Chinese culture since he was young. Nowsaday, he studies the language and culture, loves chinese movies and songs, travels in this country. Then he met this girl who came from this country. She speaks the language and lives her life in the place he always wants to be in. That might have made the passion in her. But I don't know details in the relationship.
He just told me once after he knew about her other bf on 3rd month, the relationship was worse and worse. That's it.
I stop asking him about this girl, but will see what will happen.
Bless me.... I just prey and hope the cheating wont' happen to me..
Thanks for your all advices.
Tue Oct 20 2009 - 06:06 am
Yes Jury, all you have to go by now is his word.
Oh yes Audrey, the worse thing about an EX they know what buttons to push and if the man is still harboring feelings, it is just a matter of time before he crosses to the other side to be with the ex.
It doesn't matter why he is attracted to her, she is unfinished business to him, he never received closure when she left him for two years, when she cheated and he still held onto those feelings without dealing with them. Since she has now come back he either wants to hurt her like she hurt him, sweet revenge or he wants to rekindle the relationship with her, just seeing where this leads.
Ms. Jae, you are doing great by pulling back, working on your own life and happiness, good for you. Have to show him while he is trying to figure out what to do with the resurface of his ex, you will not sit around and wait for him to get it together, although you are nervous inside, he doesn't have to know it.
Stay strong!
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