He's such a nice guy but.......
Thu Feb 11 2010 - 01:27 pm
Guys, can you relate to this or is it me ? A lot of men I meet always seem to be full-on from the start which unfortunately puts me off. After a couple of really bad experiences I started the year thinking I must be sensible and give the nice guys a chance, I have read DWD after all! By chance I met this guy who seems really nice. We have been out on 3 dates, but he is coming across really keen. I had to cancel a date this week as I was ill and he offered to come round and look after me! I found that a bit much after 3 dates and politely declined. After the 2nd date we arranged to meet up 6 days later but he texted me before then asking to see me in between. Why couldn’t he have just left it as arranged? I am due to see him this Saturday but am not looking forward to it that much. He has made it plain he wants me to stay over with him but I am not sure I want to. He is nice looking, but it would feel as if I would be sleeping with my brother or a good friend for some reason! Maybe he isn’t masculine enough for me, I don’t know, but this always seems to happen when I meet someone who is nice and wants to see a lot of me. Unless I know the guy already, (which is what happened with my last two boyfriends), I would rather see someone gradually so I can make my mind up if he is steady boyfriend material, and as Paige recommends, date other men as well. However, this guy is acting like we are already in a relationship whereas after 3 dates I am not sure if I want that or not. How will I handle Saturday? I am not a prude as I have slept with a guy after a few dates before, but it was something I really wanted to do. If I stay with this guy he will think we are exclusive and I am not ready for that. Surely after 3 dates I should be looking forward to seeing him? I almost felt relieved that I had to cancel our date on Tuesday. He is such a nice guy, that I feel I should give him a chance. Should I rely on my gut instinct and if it doesn’t feel right then not take it any further, or ask him to take things more slowly? Why can’t things be straightforward?
Thu Feb 11 2010 - 03:02 pm
It IS actually very straightforward: you only do what feels right for YOU. At this stage, this is your ONLY guiding light.
He asks to meet you in between dates and you don't feel like going, you will simply decline, politely and firmly, without any guilt or bad feelings. He wants you to spend a night with him and you don't feel like it, you will simply decline, politely and firmly, without any guilt or bad feelings.
He can ask, that is HIS right; you can politely decline, that is YOUR right.
Hope this helps,
Wise xoxoxo
Thu Feb 11 2010 - 03:19 pm
It sounds as if you have a wavering attraction to him. You say he's good-looking, but perhaps not masculine enough, feels like a brother or good friend.
Don't force an attraction that is not there. I did that with the last guy I dated and it only got worse until I had to break it off.
Listen to your instinct. If you were truly attracted to him, you probably wouldn't feel quite so reticent about things.
And Wise is right---YOU are the pace-setter of the relationship, not him. You control the pace at which you see him, and you control whether or not to spend the night. It doesn't matter if he made it clear that he wants you to stay over--yes it is his right to ask---but you have every right to make it clear to him that you are not ready.
I really think he will respect you more for your honesty. For me, 3 dates is too soon to sleep with someone, especially if you want to see if they're boyfriend material. I figure, if I haven't even spent the equivalent of a full work day with someone yet, not enough time has passed to become so intimate. Any time I have done it too soon, I have always regretted it. That's just me ;)
Follow your gut and no apologies for it!
Thu Feb 11 2010 - 03:35 pm
I agree with the above posters. He may be a nice guy and really keen on you but if you feel pressured in any way that is a big attraction-killer for both men and women.
Honesty is probably the best policy if you do so in a way that doesn't make him feel bad.
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