Tue Mar 02 2010 - 07:29 pm
I agree with Xhris' perspective on attraction for the early stage of getting to know someone, however your situation sounds a bit different Kayelle. You say you've been with this man for a few months, and the both of you were totally happy together until the sudden breakup. I'm sure that must be so painful for you, and I can see you struggling for answers.
Perhaps you can share a bit more. Have you had a chat together as yet or did he just disappear off the side of the earth?
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.
Tue Mar 02 2010 - 07:29 pm
it works both ways though. sometimes I see a man and think he could be the one and then you get to know him and you realize, nope!
Wed Mar 03 2010 - 02:37 pm
Theta,
Someone talking to him about me behind my back was something my counselor also brought up, but we didn't know the same people, and I don't know what they could have told him. My last relationship was 25+ faithful years so there wasn't anything to gossip about. Also, we are both very private people and wanted to keep our private life private. My counselor also suggested that maybe he met someone else.
Trace,
I have shared much of my story under the thread "Was it Me or Him, What Happened?" After more than 4 months he told me he didn't want to see me anymore. He said it was best to have no contact and then dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe it was best for him, but it wasn't for me. I have not run into him at the place we met the few times I have been there which I find odd because he was a weekend regular. Would a man consciously avoid a place where he might run into an ex? If so, is it out of fear of a confrontation or is he trying to save me pain? I have e-mailed him a few times because he had said he wanted us to be friends, and I still have questions about what happened. He keeps his responses short, sharing no info about him and wishes me well. I did e-mail him again this past Sunday night. I haven't checked my e-mail account that I used with him since then because I am afraid to. I am afraid he is going to refuse to answer my questions once again and block me from sending him more e-mails. I am planning to check it Thursday afternoon because I have an appointment with my counselor then and she can help me understand and recover from anything he wrote, if he does even respond.
Meanwhile, I am starting to get over it. I still miss him/what we had, but I know we aren't ever going to get back together. He needs to get some professional help regarding his emotional issues with women, he needs to learn to communicate his needs in a relationship, he needs to learn that a relationship is two-way, not a dictatorship, he needs to learn to be less selfish, and he needs to learn to have some respect for people's feelings.
My biggest problem now is me. I need an explanation, a reason why this happened so I can understand it, put it aside, file it away in my brain as whatever it was (love?, lies?, mistake?, his fear?, I'm not lovable?, etc.). I think I'm giving up on my dream of having that successful, long-term, loving relationship that I have wanted for so long. I am an extremely passionate woman which means I put more than 100% into everything I do, both personally and professionally. That is why these losses are so hard on me. I am repeating what I said in my previous thread, but he was the first man in 30 years that interested me, and I had wished for him. I went to my favorite fountain in my favorite park, took all the coins from my wallet and tossed them up in the air describing the man I wanted. About a month later he appeared in my life, approached me and the story began. He was exactly what I had wished for and always wanted in a partner...gentle, kind, respectful, compassionate, sweet, intelligent, communicator, funny, romantic, great kisser, tall, handsome, he cooks, similar background and upbringing...he was HOT... plus all the additional crap I didn't wish for.
He ended it all by saying "I am not in love with you. I like you, enjoy your company, find you attractive, enjoy making love to you. I thought that would be enough, but it isn't. You deserve someone who has much deeper feelings for you than I do." My reaction to that was how can he like me, enjoy my company, find me attractive and enjoy making love to me, but not love me? He later said "I don't know why I can't love you because I don't know what makes one person fall in love with another. I am certain I never could. You are meant for someone other than me." To me, if he is SO certain he can't love me, then he MUST know the reason. Any thoughts on that????
Wed Mar 03 2010 - 06:52 pm
sometimes you just don't know. there was a guy that just seemed perfect for me, it took me a really long time to understand why i was turned off by him all of a sudden. his reason is probably completely different.
the reason in my case was that i needed time for myself before i wanted to go into another relationship. i did feel attraction initially but i wanted to be just friends at the time for a few months-6 months (to get over my ex and just be myself). he didn't respect that and phoned me daily and gave presents that were too much (like a huge, beautiful horse painting). when i was ready to start looking at guys, i felt no attraction to him at all, although i know i would have, had he just kept minimal, friend-like contact with me for several months. once i'm in a relationship though, i don't really care if a guy contacts me lots and gives me presents, just not in the 'friend' phase
Wed Mar 03 2010 - 06:54 pm
oh yeah, to margaret. my and my bf have been together just over a month. not that long lol. but no red flags so far.
Thu Mar 04 2010 - 12:47 pm
Okay, so I e-mailed him a long letter Sunday night asking for some answers to my questions, telling him it would help me to be able to move on which is what he said he wanted me to do. I waited until today, Thursday, to see what he wrote because I have an appointment with my counselor today. He didn't even respond. He is a coward. You people were right, I am better off without him. So why do I still miss him and long for him?
Thu Mar 04 2010 - 12:55 pm
Because you care for him! Its ok and you will miss him for a while. Your feelings don't just disappear b/c the guy is acting a nut! Take time to cry and miss him (just try not to make it too long) and then carry on with your life! Talk to your counselor and see if they will have some techniques in dealing with a breakup! BELIEVE ME...YOU WILL BE FINE!
Fri Mar 05 2010 - 03:15 pm
I know I will be fine because I was fine before him, but he helped make my life so much better for a little while, and I thought I had found 'the one'. I was so happy to have him in my life. I think I'm done with the crying because I can't remember the last time I did, but I do still miss him and ache for him. It had been 6 years since his last relationship. Do you think he misses me? Or wasn't I in his life long enough for him to form an attachment?
My counselor told me she thinks what happened is that he thought we were perfect for each other, he genuinely cared for me, but then he got scared because he hasn't had successful relationships with women. She also thinks he is avoiding the place we met because he doesn't trust himself to stay away from me if he sees me. That kind of makes sense because he did say he didn't think we should see each other to help us move on. She also told me that I am too trusting, I shouldn't give my heart away so easily and that I should take relationships slower because it takes a lot of time to really get to know someone. I know that is sound advice, but putting it into practice is another thing. When it came to this guy, all my common sense went out the window.
I went out last night and a man who has been catching my eye lately came in and stood next to me. He put his arm around me, said hi to me and asked why he hadn't heard from me because he gave me his card last week. He was with a woman and he talked to me more than he did to her and I finally said "Are you on a date?" He said "Yes." I said "Then I won't bother you anymore." He said "I'm only on a date with her because I couldn't get one with you." Is that a cheesy line or could he actually have meant it? I am so inexperienced with this dating thing. It is much different than I remember from 23 years ago. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I said in his ear "Do you really want me to e-mail you?" He said "Yes, please do." I took his card from my wallet today, looked at it and then looked up his web-site. He seems like a nice guy, is okay looking and he is very well liked by the people who frequent karaoke at this bar. He sang two songs for me - one was Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" and he changed it to BLUE eyed girl, the other was Toby Keith's "You Shouldn't Kiss me Like This". The thought of starting over with someone new scares me. I don't think I'm ready to try again, if ever!
Fri Mar 05 2010 - 05:04 pm
I just finished doing some research on this guy I spent some time getting to know last night. After speaking with him I realized we had quite a bit in common so I thought maybe I could be interested in him. I began thinking over the possibilities in my mind. I found out he has been married and divorced three times! He is in his mid-forties and has sworn off marriage. WHY DO I ATTRACT THESE MEN???????? What is it about me? The first guy had been divorced twice and lived with 5 different women, the second guy had been divorced twice and has a kid with a woman he didn't marry after living together for 6 years, and now this guy with three divorces. I also met for the second time a much older (20-25 years) gentleman last night who gave me his phone number and said he was very interested in me. He was married and divorced once. I suppose at my age every guy I meet will have some baggage, but how do I know who has commitment issues before I get my hopes up? Also, should I immediately dismiss men with multiple divorces or give them a shot while staying cautious?
Fri Mar 05 2010 - 05:23 pm
Here is a clue. If he is chatting you up when he is supposed to be on a date with someone else, he has issues.
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