Help!!! What to do? I am lost!!! He Ran the other way!
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 10:32 am
I was in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man. We had the most open conversations, we chat, email, web cam and talk everyday for the last 3 months, we went away last month for a weekend, he called me his girlfriend, he told his kids about me, he was introduced to my family and kids, everything was great, except he couldn't commit to making arrangements to come down to visit or for me to come up and visit, I asked him about it and he said he doesn't know why, then he gives an excuse that he doesnt want to be away from his kids too long, I told him he see's his kids everyday and I am 1500 miles away, he said true, he said he is going to put effort into our relationship and get off his duff, he doesn't want to lose me.
the next day I didn't hear from him all day, then at 9pm he IM's me, I didn't respond, the next day I emailed him this. that I got from the book.
I am sorry that I have not gotten back to you till now, I did see that you googled me last night, I have been so busy I haven't had a minute till now. and last night I fell alseep early I had to be somewhere by 7:30am this morning.
You were right that I am upset with you for not being in touch with me during the day yesterday, I feel that an open line of communication between two parties is a no brainer in a relationship, so not to hear from you all day is not very respectful.
I really love what we have and enjoy every moment we have spent together, I am not sure what your plans and thoughts are for the future, but personally, I am no longer interested in open-end dating just for fun, At this point in my life I am looking for someone I can share my life with. I would like to know where you stand, that way I would be clear if we are on the same page or should I consider dating other people who are open to the idea of settling down
I get a reply back the next day:
Good morning to you and I am sorry that I have done this to you and US......your totally on the mark when it comes to open lines of communications...and that is my fault whole heartedly....
I have not been making the efforts as you have to make this relationship grow and bring new life for the both of us.....I am so happy and greatful that I have met someone like you and who cares about ME....that is the most wonderful feeling in the world.....there is still the problem that we have and it is distance.....we live so far from each other and our lives are on different paths......
I know I am only a flight away but it never seems like the right time to jet off to sunny Florida......believe me there have been days that I wanted to just runaway to you but I can not......my children keep me here and that will always be the case.....I am not leaving the area until they are grown and in college.....then that is when I will move anywhere.....
I want you to find someone that is open with you as I have been.....this is not a good bye e-mail.....but a new beginning e-mail.....the short time I have met and talked with you....it is like I have known you all my life....I don't want you to wait for things I may not produce right at this very moment....when you love things at times.....you do need to let them go....I love you Raichel but I need to let you go and find someone that is there NOW.....and not miles away.......
You are always in my thoughts, dreams and prayers.....you have been a wonderful light into my gloomy life......but what I want for you is strive for the best and know that there are MANY men out there just like me......we might not be the pretty boys in the group....but we are the ones that give the most love and affection that every women wants and need........
I love you Raichel......I hope your days become bright and that one day we are together as we set out for.....I would so love that!!!!!!!
I hate sending this e-mail......but if I can not commit to your requests....why should I make you wait for the unknown in my life.....
CHOW for now......and Love for you ALWAYS and FOREVER.....
I replied with this email:
I love you blank blank and don't want our relationship to end, I am so happy and thankful that I have met you, I have learned to love again.
Why does distance have to be a problem? I understand about you not moving to Florida, I never would ask or expect you too. I always said I would move there, I have no problem with picking up and moving and neither do my children, that is a part of life.. I was just asked if I would take a job in VA or CA, I told them yes I would depending on the opportunity that was going to be given to me.
I can come up on planned weekends when you are off!!!! I can fly into Boston which is alot cheaper and you can pick me up, I don't care if I stay at your place or a hotel, I just want to spend time with you and grow together, but If you can't offer me that option, then I will have to go until you can offer me that. We can do that until you feel that it is time to get a place together. anything that is willing can be worked out!
And if you think that I will be abondoning my kids, by visiting you, don't!, they can come up with me once a month if they even want too. my kids are never home on the weekends anyways, they are always out at there friends house, I want to live my life and be happy and my kids want me happy.
We are on the same paths in life, mine is in the beginning stages and yours are at the end stages, then when you go to the private sector I can be learning from the best.
I love love love you blank Always and Forever!!!
He told me he would reply after his detail, (he ia a detective, and is always on call.) I didnt hear from him, so the next morning, I call him and tell him this.
I am real sorry that everything we shared, expressed, lived, laughed, loved and felt, that I do not mean enough to you. If I ever do mean enough to you then call me. My number will never change.
He said, why do you have to say it like that, I said it is the truth, I didn't get a reply back from you so I do not mean enough to you, he said, oh hun yesterday was so busy, I just I dont mean enough chow and hung up. It has been 2 days since then, I am emotionally dying inside, I am still busy, but my heart and mind are in pain, I need advice, I read the book twice already, did I overreact and lose the love of my life. Ladies please advise.
It has been 4 days of NC now!
Raichel
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 10:58 am
Hi Raichel
I am so sorry to hear what has happened. I imagine that right now you are re-playing every word, every conversation over and over in your head, trying to figure out whether you could have 'played' things differently.
Please please don't be too hard on yourself. It was an emotional situation. Please also try and understand that it was not your reaction or overraction that made you lose the love of your life, because he had already made that decision, and there was nothing you could have done to change his mind. You have made it clear to him that you are leaving the door open as it were, and that is all you could have done.
It sounds as if this man does have strong feelings for you, but for whatever reason cannot or does not want to commit. It's a really, really tough thing to have to accept, but perhaps better that he's told you this rather than keeping you hanging on. When you know for sure that something is over you can allow yourself to 'grieve' for the relationship and eventually pick yourself back up and move on.
There is a saying - there are several threads about this on the forums - that sometimes if you love something you have to set it free and it will come back to you if it is truly yours.
if you haven't already done so go to the 'Breakups' section, there are lots of ladies here who are either going through or have experienced similar things. You will find support there. You will find suport here too of course x
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 11:08 am
Thank you, your right, I go over everything in my mind, it is so hard!!. Is it ok if I give him three weeks and if I don't hear from him to call him and see how he is doing, we are best friends and I don't want to lose that cause he can't commit to a relationship. this really sucks,
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 11:47 am
Raichel, thats so sad! Poor you.
To be honest, he sounds great and very sweet and honest but the timing is all wrong.
I think there are 3 reasons why some relationships don't work:
1) you have nothing in common and eventually the relationship peters out and loses it's sparkle.
2) Something happens that just cannot be gotten over and causes too many rows to keep things going.
3)You like him, he likes you, everything is going well but the time just isn't right for both parties and it gets in the way of the relationship.
Your story has number 3 written all over it. It doesn't help much at the moment but in a few weeks when things have settled down, at least you'll be able to think about things happily - no guilt or anger over harsh words, mean actions, etc. And who knows, maybe sometime in the future you will both be on the same track?
As for calling him in 3 weeks, try and leave it until 4 weeks have passed before contacting him. Try Paige's 30 days no contact and see how you feel then.
Best of luck with it
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 12:04 pm
I think Ariac's suggestion is a good one. Wait about a month, and rather than call him (there's a risk you might get emotional again and risk saying too much/something you don't mean) send him a cute card with a note in saying something like, 'Hi, hope you and the kids are well. I hope we will always be buddies and do call if you're ever in the area x'
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 03:09 pm
I was in a similar situation with someone I met online who lived far away. We would talk online for hours, and then one day he disappared only to come back a few weeks later to tell me that he started dating someone but it fizzled off in a couple weeks. I told him that he can be honest and if something like that comes up, he shouldn't be afraid of telling me. He said "OK" and we contined talking. When I asked him "Have you ever considered talking on the phone?" he said "I'd thought about it, but didn't come to a decision either way." So, I backed off, figuring it won't go anywhere though we'd continue chatting online, and a few weeks later, he had e-mailed me his phone number and asked to call if I ever needed to talk (I'd just moved to a different city for a new job.) My response was "thanks" and I didn't call him. A few days later, he IMed me and this time, he brought up talking on the phone again so I gave him my number and he called. Our first conversation was 3 hrs long. From then on, we'd talk every week for 3-8hrs at a time and it was wonderful...(imagine a grown man and woman playing the "no, you hang up first, no you...game")....for another few months. When I broached the topic of meeting, he backed off saying he'd never thought about it. I told him "OK, take your time to think." We continued talking and I continued to get hurt (especially as by now he'd started making commments about finding other women attractive or trying to set me up with his friend). Each time that I ended contact, I'd wait 3-6 weeks to re-contact b/c I missed him like crazy and believed in him so much. It ended very badly (with me crying and him saying that he didn't want to talk anymore and had focused his thought/energy in another direction). By now, it had been 1.5 years since we first started talking online.
Guys are not too excited about long distance relationships (I personally think it's because they're stupid and would rather throw away an amazing connection in exchange for something that's right there / right now, but who am I to judge?). I think you should move into no-contact mode and work on regaining your life and strength back. If he is meant to be, he'll come around. Be strong - no contact. You've made it clear that you are open to contact again; the ball's in his court now. Or you could end up like me - get repeatedly hurt for months, take off weekends to just cry, go from no contact to contacting him again, to no contact and re-contact and be a general emotional wreck, go through agony in hell, and end up in counseling (at the time, I had other problems in my life as well related to work/family/friends) to get over it. Your choice.
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 03:18 pm
I personally would dismiss a man from the start if he was long distance. The getting to know them and attraction are all pointless if in the end neither will relocate or have the time for weekends together,those are the deal breakers for me.
A man who is in the same city or an hour away is far more likely and able to make the effort to date and come and visit and therefore enable the relationship develop. If either is a distance away and out with their friends they are far more likely to meet somebody local if only for a fling and in time that would matter alot.
So Raichel I would forget him,no more contact and move on with your life. I know this will be so difficult but long term it can only benefit you.He has let you down gently and let you go.
Sun Nov 08 2009 - 10:27 am
Thank you ladies for great advice, I am living my life, learning and reading everything I can on relationships, it was easier to get my Microsoft Certified Engineering certificate than it is to understand relationships. I hate the fact that he hasn't called or anything but I understand it is his loss, i am the best thing that came into his life and until he realizes that there is nothing I can do. When he stops being a wuss and a man, then we can talk. Men are so weird!!!
I just hate dreaming about him, waking up thinking about him, and still having hope, that is the worst, HOPE!!!. but I am still going to boot camp, working out inbetween, going out with friends, and doing odd computer jobs to keep myself busy.
Thank you all
Raichel
Sun Nov 08 2009 - 08:45 pm
I did the ultimate sin, I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help it, I forwarded him a great text that a friend of mine sent me, I thought I would get something back from him, but the idiot I am I was still hoping, never heard from him.
Mon Nov 09 2009 - 02:58 am
Have either of you ever discussed moving closer, I am thinking more you than he since he has kids in school? Something would have to give to keep the relationship going...but he hasn't suggested any of this to you I take it. What does "I just I don't mean enough chow" mean? He isn't enough or you're not enough?
Mon Nov 09 2009 - 09:41 am
I told him that I would move up there, I told him I can fly there on everyother weekend, he always left it open ended.... chow means later since bye means goodbye for ever. so I always told him chow meaning talk later.
I just don't understand how a guy can have such feelings then change to nothing overnight, I am dying inside, and he is probably going on his merry way, I need to become a guy so I can go on my merry way.lol
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