he said he needed space but he was acting differently!
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 09:50 pm
So I have been dating this guy for almost 3 weeks now. I was not really interested and always tried to somehow get rid of him at the beginning. but he was too stubborn and never gave up. He kept telling me that he was really more than what I saw.
After a while, I decided to spend more time with him and really found out that he was, as he always mentioned, really similar to me.
Like last week, he spent almost every day with me. No matter how hard I tried to make him do his work. But then he went for a 2-day work conference and I dont know what happened there but it seems that meeting all those ambitious people made him feel that he first wanted to finish his last project.
He used to call/ text me everyday but when he went there, I was the one who called him first and I mistakenly complained about that he didnt call me and I told him that I missed him_which I shouldnt have said because it was just one day passed!
and then he didnt call/text me the other day. Today I went to talk to him to see what happened when he told me that he felt he was not really ready for a relationship now.
Since I knew it was the result of my needy acts, I tried not to argue and accept that and told him that I totally understood and that we could be friends. But then he said that he didnt mean that he wanted to end everything and he kept asking what I felt about him to which I answered I needed time to understand my true feelings. When I was leaving he asked if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee with him and I reluctantly agreed but then he spent sth like 5 hours with me and we were talking about everything! Meanwhile he mentioned that he felt guilty that he didnt work and that he was not really happy that he hadnt work the last week, the week that we spent together almost entirely!
I really do not know what to do! Well, at first I knew I screwed up by being over emotional and almost accepted that everything was over. But then we had this conversation today and I do not know if I should have any hope that things change. I was thinking maybe he just wanted to keep me as a fried just for occasional talking, as he mentioned today that I could always talk to him if I ever need anyone to talk to. Well, I know all his future is dependent on this project that he is doing_he is not working now and he is using his savings to do this project_So I really cant understand if he really needs time to do his project or he wants to push me back! I mean if he really likes me he shouldnt have told me that he didnt want a relationship but then why did he spent that much time with me!
Can you please help me out with that!
Thanks,
Mata
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 11:18 pm
You need to get some perspective here. Its only been 3 weeks for Heaven's sakes. What do you really know about this guy?
If this project is a life and death thing for him then he really shouldn't be getting into a relationship. It sounds like you are a massive distraction for him.
After 3 weeks you are moving much too fast. You didn't even fancy him that much in the beginning, but he won you over with his persistence. Then when you want to get close he moves away, when you pull back he pursues. Sounds like the typical dating dance to me.
Chill out. Let him finish his project and you get on with your life as it was when you weren't that keen. Date yourself. Go out with your friends. Tell him you don't think it is a good idea to go too fast while he is busy with his work thingy and maybe you should just be friends for a while. No need to write him off, just slow it down
Chill girlfriend, it has only been three weeks
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 12:34 am
Yes, 3 weeks is nothing! You should only be seeing him once a week, twice at the VERY most in the beginning stages. You need to space it out. As it says in DWD, some guys charge into a relationship like a bull in a china shop, at 100 miles an hour, destroying everything in their path. Unfortunately, as women, it is our responsibility to slow things down to OUR pace (never let the man set the pace...he will either go too fast and crash the budding relationship right into a wall, or stall and go so slow and contact so infrequently that no momentum is built and the whole thing dies on the vine.)
Be unavailable most of the week. Give him only one or two nights/days that you are free. The rest of the week you need to be living your own life.
If I were you, I would not initiate contact with him again. Let him come to you. And then take it at a REASONABLE pace.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 09:46 am
Mahtab:
I completely agree with the above posters. Since you have gone so fast in the very beginning, like Theta and Tiny said, take it slower now and let things get back to an even keel especially as he does have his project to finish.
My boyfriend did the same thing early on, he was calling/texting me constantly but eventually it had to slow down because no one can keep up the frantic pace. What I did to not "crash" the relationship was basically ignore what he'd said in the first few weeks as I think it was said in the "infatuation fog" he was in. I just went with more realistic expectations and didn't worry too much when contact slowed down from 5 or more times daily to once every couple days.
It is actually better this way for me as when we do talk we have lots to talk about and there are never any awkward silences of "what do we talk about now?".
Relationships are like living things...they need space to breathe and grow. The trick is to give space but not too much. The lyrics of a song help me a lot with this:
"Hold on loosely, but don't let go
If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lotta space to breathe in"
Song is by .38 Special and titled "Hold On Loosely"
Hope that helps you. :-)
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 04:17 pm
Thanks guys. Well, yesterday, after our weird break-up he asked me and my room mate to go to his parents' place this weekend for lunch and I accepted his invitation but then I thought about it again and decided not to go.
So I called him today and left a voicemail and I explained that since we finished up everything yesterday I thought it was not appropriate for me to go to his parents.
Well, he hasn't responded yet and I think he will never do :(
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 04:48 pm
Mahtab, it's only been less than a day...give him a chance to respond before you become discouraged.
Try to stay positive and "in the moment"..when you say "I think he will never do" you are projecting in the future...we don't really know what the future brings until it happens.
Try to just think instead "I don't know if he will respond or not, but thinking about it too much is not good for me so I will let it go and think about something else that makes me happy."
Hope that helps.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 07:52 pm
I always think of that .38 Special song when I'm stressed about something! So glad I'm not the only one! Great song.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 08:11 pm
yeah! I kept listening to that for hours now! its so true!
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 08:33 pm
It truly *is* a great song and to think a MAN came up with it...lol!!!
Mahtab, another good one is Stevie Nicks' "Love's A Hard Game To Play"
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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