is he caring or controlling?!
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 11:13 am
despite being with my boyfriend for some months i have always been careful about the amount of time i allow him to spend with my son who is still young. i make sure not too much interaction goes on till i am comfortable with things. lately i had to cut down on the time he was spending with my kid because of his inconsistent temperament. its been like that or couple of weeks now. until yesterday he started asking me Q's like
"is your boy ok?"
Even after answering him, few minutes later he asked me again
"is he ok?" i said "yes" again then he asks "are u sure he is ok? i will see him today to make sure he is fine."
then half hour later again repeated his question
" is he alright...does he have enough toys?" it made me feel slightly uncomfortable, why so much inquiry, does he not believe me.or is he just trying to show his caring side...which i doubt because he hasn't exactly got a great bond with my kid!can be cold sometimes.
Last week i was a bit anxious about my assignment deadline for my degree course, he started to make me feel guilty about how much time i was spending on my studies. said things like " there is more to life than that and you are giving more then enough time to all that." what really got to me he knows i am a really good mum and dont like to mix things up when its my time with my son anyway. he said my responsibilitie to my child came first which any sane parents knows anyway! once again is he caring or just trying to control me and using the 'responsibility' scenario to win over. i dont think he is in a position to tell me what to do.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 12:22 pm
It maybe completely innocent, however it is inappropriate for him to make negative comments about your parenting. If I were you, I would tell him very calmly but firmly that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he comments on your relationship with your son. Don't make a big deal out of it, just set the boundaries. If he doesn't respect these, maybe you should reflect on whether he is the right man to bring into the life of you and your young son.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 12:34 pm
Agreed!
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 01:19 pm
thanks ladies, but my concern grows even more when he watches me like a hawk! for instance he always says that i need to be more firm with my kid. he said he notices every thing about my behaviour with my son. he once even followed me to my son's room one afternoon without me knowing he was stood outside the door as i got up to walk out. when he saw me come out he said "i am going to watch".
i just don't feel the right vibes or maybe i am being over sensitive ....but i shouldn't have to feel guilty or not being able to relax when we are all under the same roof.but all this happens in small doses like every few days. so to cope with the situation i have reduced the time we see each other for. kept it strictly a 1-to-1.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 05:32 pm
Does he have any kids of his own? It does sound a bit concerning. If you are getting bad vibes, you should follow your gut. You sound like a great Mum and the last thing you need is someone critiquing your parenting skills when you've been doing fine so far, I'm sure.
If you are using words like he is "watching me like a hawk", that just gives me the heepy geeby's. I'd be careful if I were you. You are doing the right thing by keeping your involvement to just you and him until you figure things out.
Good luck!
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 10:44 pm
This sounds quite alarming to me. His focus on your son makes me feel all creepy....there's something not right about it. Your unease is warranted, I think, both where it concerns you and where your son is concerned. I'm quite concerned for you both. I recently recommended that someone else here read Gavin De Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear" and I'm going to recommend the same to you. It's wonderfully affirming of our instincts and how we should trust them when we have even a twinge of doubt about someone. Please listen to what your heart is saying now and get out of this relationship before it's too late.
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 01:16 am
How often do you notice this "walking on eggshells" around him?
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 01:36 am
Aqua,
It's always difficult to form a blended family at a waaay later stage of the game than you are even near, and even at that point, your son is not "his" and he should have a "hands off" attitude when it comes to your parenting; not be "THE CRITIC".
Big Red Flag! I too am a single parent. I had raised my son on my own since he was just over 2yrs. old (he's now 28 years old and works as a director of Special Ed f/ grammar school kids...bragging moment). Men I dated didn't even meet my son until I was in a fully committed relationship and even then, I wouldn't tolerate any unbidden criticism of mine and my son's interaction.
Sorry to say, but this is DEFINITELY a deal breaker. These kind of zebras don't change their stripes. Not even worth the effort. Kick it to the curb and keep looking. There's many more out there that are worthy...not this one.
Run, Forest, Run!!!!!!!!!!
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 05:48 am
Thank you all for your great input.
Firstly, he doesn't have kids and to top it off he is not at all tactful and the sensitive type when it comes to children. My son has got boder line autism, he is very clingy and sensitive and needless to say he needs a special kind of handling so i have to take the easy going approach with him. My BF is very against it and openly criticises my way of doing things. i have always said that its ONLY my discretion in that whole scenario. his argument is that he was brought up in a strict manner...in short he is missing the point i am making (i think!)
Yes Trace, i feel anxious in this way quiet often, lets say 1/2 times a week something happens that leaves me feeling uptight and tense.i certainly , infact no one needs to be made to feel that way.
Thanks for suggesting me that book, i will be adding that to my reading list now :0)
i wonder why is he so bothered about my kid's welfare especially when he is seriously lacking in that area himself.
for instnce he promises him a toy/game when we are out but later he would back out and i end up buying it for my son.
it feels as if he is exercising control by using my kid to induce guilt when it comes to doing my degree as he only does a cleaning and maintenance job....sorry , i know what your all thinking !
i can go on saying lots about him but i wont.
we have had those 'talks' about him not crossing the mark in the reltionship with my approach towards my child but he seems either extremely stupid or stubborn and carries on with his ways.
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 07:23 am
"it comes to doing my degree as he only does a cleaning and maintenance job....sorry , i know what your all thinking !"
You don't know at all what I'm thinking...I'm thinking that this is wisdom...There is a Biblical principle of not "being unequally yoked" and I've recently come to understand that this doesn't JUST refer to being with someone of the same religious background or belief but also to similarities in other ways including socio-econimic and educational disparities. With your education you are becoming someone to whom this man may not be able to relate and that will take you farther from him in any case. I suspect now that THIS is exactly why he puts you down...to keep you at a level where he perceives he's still in your league. Sounds to me like you are WAYYYYYYY out of his league NOW!
And I'm still creeped out by the way he talks about your son..even more so now that we know there are some other issues. I just have a sense that there is the potential for abuse. Please, please be careful and extricate yourself as quickly as you can from this relationship.
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 07:30 am
This does put things into another light. I don't like telling women 'Get rid of the guy' as things are never that simplistic, but this guy suffers from major inferiority complex and he hits you where he knows it could potentially work: your son.
Very 'clever' as in manipulative.
You are a fantastic woman bringing up your beautiful son and striving for better things by doing a degree. You are an inspiration. NOBODY has any right to put you down.
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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