It maybe completely innocent, however it is inappropriate for him to make negative comments about your parenting. If I were you, I would tell him very calmly but firmly that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he comments on your relationship with your son. Don't make a big deal out of it, just set the boundaries. If he doesn't respect these, maybe you should reflect on whether he is the right man to bring into the life of you and your young son.

Agreed!

thanks ladies, but my concern grows even more when he watches me like a hawk! for instance he always says that i need to be more firm with my kid. he said he notices every thing about my behaviour with my son. he once even followed me to my son's room one afternoon without me knowing he was stood outside the door as i got up to walk out. when he saw me come out he said "i am going to watch".
i just don't feel the right vibes or maybe i am being over sensitive ....but i shouldn't have to feel guilty or not being able to relax when we are all under the same roof.but all this happens in small doses like every few days. so to cope with the situation i have reduced the time we see each other for. kept it strictly a 1-to-1.

Does he have any kids of his own? It does sound a bit concerning. If you are getting bad vibes, you should follow your gut. You sound like a great Mum and the last thing you need is someone critiquing your parenting skills when you've been doing fine so far, I'm sure.

If you are using words like he is "watching me like a hawk", that just gives me the heepy geeby's. I'd be careful if I were you. You are doing the right thing by keeping your involvement to just you and him until you figure things out.

Good luck!

This sounds quite alarming to me. His focus on your son makes me feel all creepy....there's something not right about it. Your unease is warranted, I think, both where it concerns you and where your son is concerned. I'm quite concerned for you both. I recently recommended that someone else here read Gavin De Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear" and I'm going to recommend the same to you. It's wonderfully affirming of our instincts and how we should trust them when we have even a twinge of doubt about someone. Please listen to what your heart is saying now and get out of this relationship before it's too late.

How often do you notice this "walking on eggshells" around him?

Aqua,

It's always difficult to form a blended family at a waaay later stage of the game than you are even near, and even at that point, your son is not "his" and he should have a "hands off" attitude when it comes to your parenting; not be "THE CRITIC".

Big Red Flag! I too am a single parent. I had raised my son on my own since he was just over 2yrs. old (he's now 28 years old and works as a director of Special Ed f/ grammar school kids...bragging moment). Men I dated didn't even meet my son until I was in a fully committed relationship and even then, I wouldn't tolerate any unbidden criticism of mine and my son's interaction.

Sorry to say, but this is DEFINITELY a deal breaker. These kind of zebras don't change their stripes. Not even worth the effort. Kick it to the curb and keep looking. There's many more out there that are worthy...not this one.

Run, Forest, Run!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you all for your great input.
Firstly, he doesn't have kids and to top it off he is not at all tactful and the sensitive type when it comes to children. My son has got boder line autism, he is very clingy and sensitive and needless to say he needs a special kind of handling so i have to take the easy going approach with him. My BF is very against it and openly criticises my way of doing things. i have always said that its ONLY my discretion in that whole scenario. his argument is that he was brought up in a strict manner...in short he is missing the point i am making (i think!)

Yes Trace, i feel anxious in this way quiet often, lets say 1/2 times a week something happens that leaves me feeling uptight and tense.i certainly , infact no one needs to be made to feel that way.

Thanks for suggesting me that book, i will be adding that to my reading list now :0)

i wonder why is he so bothered about my kid's welfare especially when he is seriously lacking in that area himself.
for instnce he promises him a toy/game when we are out but later he would back out and i end up buying it for my son.

it feels as if he is exercising control by using my kid to induce guilt when it comes to doing my degree as he only does a cleaning and maintenance job....sorry , i know what your all thinking !
i can go on saying lots about him but i wont.
we have had those 'talks' about him not crossing the mark in the reltionship with my approach towards my child but he seems either extremely stupid or stubborn and carries on with his ways.

"it comes to doing my degree as he only does a cleaning and maintenance job....sorry , i know what your all thinking !"

You don't know at all what I'm thinking...I'm thinking that this is wisdom...There is a Biblical principle of not "being unequally yoked" and I've recently come to understand that this doesn't JUST refer to being with someone of the same religious background or belief but also to similarities in other ways including socio-econimic and educational disparities. With your education you are becoming someone to whom this man may not be able to relate and that will take you farther from him in any case. I suspect now that THIS is exactly why he puts you down...to keep you at a level where he perceives he's still in your league. Sounds to me like you are WAYYYYYYY out of his league NOW!

And I'm still creeped out by the way he talks about your son..even more so now that we know there are some other issues. I just have a sense that there is the potential for abuse. Please, please be careful and extricate yourself as quickly as you can from this relationship.

This does put things into another light. I don't like telling women 'Get rid of the guy' as things are never that simplistic, but this guy suffers from major inferiority complex and he hits you where he knows it could potentially work: your son.

Very 'clever' as in manipulative.

You are a fantastic woman bringing up your beautiful son and striving for better things by doing a degree. You are an inspiration. NOBODY has any right to put you down.

once again thank you so much k203 and wise-until-it-h.. for your much appreciated advice and great comments.it does become clearer as you see from the 'birds eye view' that men like him are limited in some ways and have a 'trench' mentality so they like to drag u down with themselves and discourage a woman, using any means necessary to make sure you don't accomplish more than themselves!

You have the vibe, dont miss those signs, because they are there. Abuse (control) just gets worse in time. I think he sounds majorly controlling. I also think he will get worse.
Okay for me, I never had children, but unless he wanted kids and never had them, I think its peculair that he would have that much interest being that he isnt a parent. I just find it strange. I love kids and close with my friends kids but I dont have any desire to tell them what to do with them. Thats why I think this guy sounds more then just a little controlling. Its that cross examining -whats the sense, whats the purpose? Second, its YOUR SON and NOT HIS..next it will be how you spend your money, what u get at the store, etc etc

hi princessaA, your right about his controlling behaviour which i feel has escalated over last 6 weeks. he tries to be more assertive and gives me instructions on what to do from time to time. his cold behaviour with my son (occasionally) contradicts his over interest in him. when i had a serious chat with him about this he was said something like
"i am not being abusive to ur kid as i have been vetted/checked by the local authority".
what strikes me is that he came up with the "abusive" term without me even suggesting it!
i have simply cut out his time with my son now, or it needs more action than that alone.

Aqua,

I didn't intend my response to come off as harsh and unyielding, I know it's a process and not an event. It's up to you how much of your time and energy you want to put into this man/relationship. I'm just viewing it f/ a different perspective and cutting to the chase. I believe you've already made your decision. It's up to you how/when you act upon it.

I know you are an intelligent and insightful woman and in the final analysis, will do what's best for all involved.

Just remember to put your own needs first. "Love thyself as thy neighbor" so to speak ( I know it's reversed, but as women we tend to be self-sacrificing and put others needs before our own...we need to be SELF-ish, not selfish!).

Love and light,

Smerk ;}

hi SMERK, i totally agree and think on the same wavelength as yourself about the dynamics of a relationship especially yourself having gone through the experience of being a lone parent and trying to get the balance right between your child and your partner.
Well done for doing a great job with your son!
your correct about the final decision and he certainly wont be a part of my life for too long.its just a matter of time but things are getting that way gradually when u know the cut off point is not far away.thanks for your wise words because after all thats the reason we speak of our issues on this forum for precise and neutral advice.

"i am not being abusive to ur kid as i have been vetted/checked by the local authority".
Do you mean he has had a run in with this before or did you mean he was saying, 'as if I was checked on by the authorities.' The useage of his words is the red flags that he really IS. Its almost shocking to me when I hear stories of other cases, when everyone seems to say the same words that this men use. They all have an issue with law, they are all 'innocent' in their eyes, in complete denial. He just wants YOU to think he is innocent because he wants to get away with it. Please read "emotional blackmail" by susan forward, and "Angry men" by Jay carter, I swear you will want to get away from this guy asap.

I am glad you are getting support from all of these ladies and I need to put my 2 cents in.

You do sound like a great Mom. Not subjecting your kid to a man with a dubious agenda is part of that. Follow your instincts. If you ever find yourself wondering if you are being over-sensitive--you aren't.

It is so easy for these passive-aggressive nut jobs to burrow their way into our lives and by the time you realize you stepped into a trap it is too late.

You MUST put the welfare of your child first--especially a special needs case. You need a kind compassionate man and this dude does not sound like he even comes close.

Never never never never never never ever let someone put you down or make you feel guilty especially for getting your degree and trying to make a better life for you and your son. Never let someone dictate how much time is appropriate for that. Never be dictated to period.

I am proud of you for the way you are handling your life. Being a single mom can't be easy.

I am not a mom. I have cats and they are my kids. But I have exposed them to such a parade of losers, control freaks and idiots over the years that I do feel guilty about that.

Lose the loser Honey.

PrincessaA and thetababe, thanks a lot for your detailed comments and encouragement about doing the right thing, its an eye opener for me even when we deep down distinguish right from wrong.

he actually meant to say that the local authority have done all the necessary assessments on him when he first applied for his job but thats does not put his complex/wrong/abusive/deceitful nature off the hook!

Thetababe, as u said despite not having kids of your own u can still relate to my scenario.its simply awful. he is far from kind and compassionate..amazing when i say those words to him he reckons my expectations are too high in life and that i will never really find a bloke like that in life. this is one his other ways of emotionally controlling me i wonder!

Aqua, do you really want to continue spending your time with a man who is "far from kind and compassionate?" Or with one who tells you that your "expectations are too high in life and that [you] will never really find a bloke like that in life?" These are the words of a potential abuser. Indeed, I would go so far as to say he is already abusing you, sort of "abuse lite" if you will, and it will only build from this point on if you don't stop it now. Hon, you know what to do. Now just do it (with apologies to Nike).

Emotional abuse is still abuse.

"expectations are too high in life and that [you] will never really find a bloke like that in life"

2 words -- Oh Brother!! 2 more words--Horse pucky!!

Great Googly Moogly Honey what the @#$ is that? What a load of dungalungus that is

I would do some soul searching to see why you would even consider accepting that crock o' doo doo as any kind of truth. No one can abuse you without your permission, but please do not subject your son to this.

If you are on this board you are a Goddess. That's the rule. Only Goddesses (and some chosen men)are allowed here

i have had a great input on this issue and yes its obvious what the right course of action should be on my part. better to 'nip it in the bud' now than later.

I agree with the other ladies: 'he reckons my expectations are too high in life and that i will never really find a bloke like that in life'. This is textbook abuser talk. The idea behind it being there is something deeply wrong with the woman and no other man would put up with it/no other man would want you. That is not 'abuse lite', this is manipulation and brainwashing. If you let it go for long enough, it will become your inner voice, your internal monologue, a thing you tell yourself when you are down. It is very dangerous and should be taken very seriously. I have been in this situation, so I am hypersensitive to it now.

You sound like a very smart lady and I am sure there must be something nice about this guy, otherwise you would have never got as close to him. But unless you find a way to completely root out his need to control and manipulate you, it really is healthier to 'nip it in the bud' like you say.

I wish you and your son all the very best!

Aqua there is another point in the book, about one of the other biggest red flags to look out for is when a guy compares himself to other men and boosts himself to look like he is better. This is one of the worse and also best signs that can give you the obvious trait he is abusive, that insecurity they have to compare themselves because they fear you will leave them. These men really dont like themselves, arent happy with themselves, the trouble is, they seldom do anything to change who they are. I also found those that also arent making the money they believe they should be, are even worse.
I also see now this guy I have been with, is on this superior mode where he really thinks he is all it-as he says, "I'm golden.."
Wwe had been in a store and this pretty young blonde had bumped into him and she was all smitten with him, giggly like a school girl from something charming he said. This is how he manages to get women, I tell you these abusive men are so charming they know how to use their charms. he then after we left made a point about that girl and said, "see, I would have no trouble.." when we spoke of meeting other people. Thats the whole showing off thing where they are trying to make you think you should be privleged just to walk with them-NOT..

It concerns me that you so frequently feel like you're walking on eggshells. (Two or three times per week I would class as "frequent"). This is not a good sign. Typically, the pattern with a controlling man are the episodes become more frequent, and they also increase in intensity.

It will probably help you I think to do some reading on controlling relationships so you become aware of the patterns and also the signs. I see some of the women have already recommended some good books here. One of the main things is to refuse to take on blame and keep telling yourself it's not you!

As for what you do, please tap into your support networks before you do anything else! That'll help keep you safe.

I dont know if he is also this way, but I have also seen that these men are also always on the persuit, always looking for the superior woman. They just knock down your self esteem because they have a way of making you feel your just not good enough or even in their league, what is funny is I have heard comments from friends, just last night I did again, now I dont mean to sound conceited, because I am not at all, but my friends say, we cant believe he even got someone like you.

princessaA, you have raised some interesting points about the control issue. My bf looks,even flirts with other women and says its normal for him or most men to do that!
also has got money issues like not being paid near enough what he deserves. too full of himself about his sense of fashion and all that. he says sometimes that i am "ok" and he may consider marrying me only in time. He needs a REALITY CHECK!
when i plan stuff,he likes to turn things around and say it was his plan in the 1st place.

but whats hurt me really is when today he admitted to missing his ex girl friend's son!!! they broke up 10 months ago, and has no contact with them. so all this time he has been cold and had lack of feelings for my son is been due to that reason. i gave him the time and space to overcome his emotions but after being in a serious/intense relationship with me for 6 months he is still dwelling on that, whats there to say he is not missing his ex!
sorry, but i am hurt. not sure how to go about it. He is putting our relationship on stake for something thats beyond his reach. i exactly know when he is upset, would go cold, distant, cancel plans without any good reason. has done it soooo many times...how much of it am i supposed to take? it makes him 'unavailable' and it simply hurts me too much him being stuck in the past.he said he still wishes things had worked out so that boy could be part of his life.

Your friends sound sincere and reflecting on their comments is very worthwhile.

Aqua, that is another trait of an abusive personality, this incapability to love. They are relentless love attics though, that is what is so deceiving about them, but in fact they fear intimacy . The decieving part is they can appear like real romantics on the physical side it makes you think they are emotional. Am I making any sense? Everything about them in their goal in life is about getting over on someone, and their motive. I see him saying these things to you for you to think oh god this guy really cares about my child, since he is so hurt over the loss of this other child, but I wonder if its a ploy just to get you to allow him to be close with your son, for the control. Not to say he doesnt like kids but I think its more about the control with him.

well said, it is a possibility.he claims he is hardened on the surface and does not like to show emotions.which is the exact opposite of what we as women seek in a man mostly.
i have seen him genuinely miss the other kid because it was a build up of things but what gets to me is that he is not investing his energies as he should be with our relationship. too much dwelling in the past hinders your present from fluorishing. despite his other controlling traits is this thing with the ex and her kid a reason to end a relationship...?

Aqua-has he shown any anger against this ex? But really if he is going to spend all his time dwelling over this other kid, your child isnt something to use as a replacement. I am just curious I have a friend which was dating this guy for a few years and he got close with her kids, well when they broke up she still allowed him to come by and see the kids, what questions me is what did he do, that he is no longer in this kids life where he wasnt allow to even see him ever again? I can understand they broke up but I wonder if he was treating her badly and why she wants nothing to do with him?> and that maybe when he mentioned the authorities it was bc she called them bc of something he did.
When you say despite his other controlling ways, I am wondering why you think to consider overlooking the other controlling ways as making only the reason to end it with him because of his infatuation with his past? Maybe thats not what you ment, but all facts should be considered, shouldnt they?

He was hurt--he has a past--he has baggage and issues--boo hoo, wah wah wah--let me cry you a river. We all have a past. We all have issues.

Do not make excuses for him. His actions are what speak volumes.

He puts you down. He is cold with your son and shows zero compassion to him. He tells you what to do. He puts down your career aspirations.

I can play my violin for him till the cows come home but there are so many men who would be proud of you for the job you have done. There are so many men who love kids and would revel in the special little guy that your son is.

Please, brush aside any whys and wherefores that may justify his actions. It is the actions that count.

I totally agree with the Princess. He is an abuser waiting to happen.

Although K put it much better than I ever could, this man feels insecure and inadequate...that is why he is condescending and verbally abusive in trying to make you believe you aren't worthy of anyone better than he. Being a maintenance man is one thing...being an abusive maintenance man is quite another. You probably need to reassess and remove your child from any potential harm, be it physical or emotional abuse.

Why do we make excuses for other peoples bad behavior? I have been guilty of that in the past and would like to understand better. My theory is so that we don't come out looking so bad, and maybe to save ourselves from further humiliation...any thoughts?

hi all, i know he isn't worthwhile but its denial on my part for what though? bit of company or fear of loneliness but it needs dealing with now!
He has never shown clear anger or resentment towards his ex even though she was a severe alcoholic. if his mum hadn't intervened he would probably still be with her. As for the other kid he was taken away from the mom (the ex) by the social services and is now in the care of his real dad. my ex is concerned about the quality of life that boy maybe confronted with later on but is cold to my child. He must have crossed wires! He is chasing shadows and not focusing what he has got in hand. Still gets tearful and reminises often. i wonder if he is using the other kid to mask his feelings for his ex.

In any case Aqua, its still no good. Is it really all about him and his problems, what about you?. Tears also can be manipulation too, he wants you to feel sorry for him-thats one of the most classic actions manipulators do, make you feel sorry for them, meanwhile they are taking control of your life. This all doesnt make sense, he is telling you what to do with your son, yet it was his mother that got him out of the relationship? Be weary!! If he had to be dependent on his mother for his own relationship issues, he will be looking at you to do the same thing. In the last post it sounds like you have softened, almost defending him, maybe he was getting the drift that you arent happy how things have been so he been on his best behavior. Dont buy it, the other guy will be back and he will still have the goal of trying to run your life. Believe me I understand what its about, you dont want to alone, I dont think anyone really does, companionship is a splendid thing, but how can you meet anyone really special, independent and not criticizing if your spending all your time with this toad? He sounds insecure and that always a bad trait in a guy.

"Why do we make excuses for other peoples bad behavior? I have been guilty of that in the past and would like to understand better. My theory is so that we don't come out looking so bad, and maybe to save ourselves from further humiliation...any thoughts?"

Darlin, people like to be right about their choices. People hate being wrong. It is often hard to admit a blunder in judgement.

It is also a virtue to feel compassion. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not deserve it, as Princess says, vieing for sympathy is a manipulation ploy.

Great analysis PrincessaA, he uses tears/emotions as means to distract me from reality and focus on his bad past. thats his usual line. i know i am not getting anywhere with this 'toad' as u brilliantly put it. it seems a waste of time when u feel ur partner still dwells in the past like he broke up with his ex last week despite being together with me for months now! it feels like its not 2 but 3 people in our relationship.

he is a complete 'mummy's little boy' more than an average male out there. i can see a no. of deep emotional and personality issues which makes it impossible to progress with him.

Honey, You can do so much better. You can't rescue this man. You can't fix him. You can't make it all better for him. He has to man up and take responsibility for himself.

I am so glad you came to us with this. There are 50 total strangers from all over the world on this board who care about you and your son very much. No woman should ever put up with someone belittling her and then wonder if it is normal.

Keep on with your schooling. You have taken on so much being a single parent. You seem like an enormously strong person. Find a guy who will be a source of emotional support, not a drain on your emotional resources

Very encouraging message from you thetababe. Thank you . Not many people we know around us who genuinely lift one's spirits sometimes.

That's what we do...

Amen, Babe!

Aqua,

Take it f/ "been there, done that", I know you're facing a difficult decision, but don't sell yourself short...I know sometimes we get into a something is better than nothing mode...but in the long run, we're only kidding ourselves...you've been doing fine with you child thus far...(now take a look at what your own inner child is saying to you...is this guy maybe tweaking at some of your own family of origin issues...protect that wonderful inner child!).

Although it may not "feel" that way on the surface, sometimes we are truly better off on our own f/ a while.

Don't go where angels fear to tread, love! Keep you and your child safe first...remember the old airplane analogy..always put the oxygen mask on YOU first.

Speaking f/ my own "stuff", I can tell you, you can't rescue/redeem your own wounded inner child by fantasizing that you can change the dynamic here. Be a good parent to your own child w/i!

"it seems a waste of time when u feel ur partner still dwells in the past like he broke up with his ex last week despite being together with me for months now!"

Aqua, I am going through the same thing. I should of known better this time around bc I have been through this bf, with someone else, and that was 10 years that he was divorced and still had anger against his ex. I had thought, oh my are they all like this? I am seeing so many similar signs, its like they speak the same language theyre so alike. But isnt that some just refuse to move on but all that energy is on THEM and not US, and that is UNFAIR..
I have been with this one for almost 2 years and I can say he still dwells over the past, doesnt talk about fond memories, the latest was that he didnt want a christmas tree and doesnt want to even celebrate it bc it reminds him of 'them..' well what about me? I told him and it was a dealbreaker that there is no room for me in his life, I am here bc he doesnt want to be alone. I do feel that he does care about me but still there is no room for me bc of his past and how he chooses not to move on from it. This would be his 4th christmas without them, and so I ask, how many more seasons is it going to take?
I think about how much time he does spend on dwelling over them, and it is quite alot. It never leaves him, and I feel Im being cheated. I feel Im being self centered, but Im also not in it with him to be an audience.

PrincessaA, the feeling of almost like sharing your fellow with another woman like the 'ex' is very piercing and painful. a relationship breakdown does bring with it some emotional complexities but with time and the right kind of support it should heal.People should be able to talk about it without getting too carried away. i can understand if the break up was recent but when years have gone by then it should only be a distant memory. Please dont feel self centred, because what you expect should be standard practice and not a bonus in your relationship.
The concept of dwelling and too much reminising is a strong sign of such men being 'emotionally unavailable' something that i recently read upon. unfortunately they can be that way for years. despite giving them the time and space if they still persist than it maybe wise to give them an ultimatum. if that proves no good than ending the relationship might be an option depending on how much -ve impact it can create between yourselves.
i recently found myself saying something casual in a chat and soon realised that it brought up memories with him from the past not once but a few times!
i know it does feel like being cheated by them because u dont know how often and how intense they reminise. its not acceptable as i'm sure they wouldn't appreciate us if we were to remain stuck to our intimate past.

I have a past too and in fact I was with my ex alot longer, 26 years he was only married for 10 years and dated 5 bf. I had separated 2 years bf him but he now has been out of it 4 almost 4 years. I am not exact on these numbers but close. Maybe 4 years isnt long enough but I think its long enough to not have it rule your whole life. I do think its a dealbreaker, and in all the books u read u read things about how a man is not over his ex, he should not be dating or getting involved with anyone, the same as women. We are helping them with comfort bc they need us, but what are they giving to us? But making life center around them?
But I also think there are some people that just never move on, and this is really a bad person to get involved with. Someone that is always living in the past will never be trully among 'us.' Sometimes I see this with the elderly, when you see those spunky women that want to take bus tours and are dancing having a good time and yet there are the others that sit back and dwell dwell about being old, or just talking nonstop about their past. But I also see this is from his vision from his mother, which also is living in the past, she isnt that old but wont even cook certain foods go certain places bc of her late husband and speaks of him in a very sad tone. So I guess if you see your mother like that chances are he is going to be the same way. That is why I need to go out with someone that has drive to make changes, that really TRIES to make their life better. I want to go on into the next century not just dwelling about what I had yesterday. And in fact, this guy just brings me to remember my ex which isnt that great for me either, since all his dwelling over his past just leads me to think of my past.

i know because it feels like a stalemate!. i said to my BF that if he can't let go his past than how are we supposed to progress and grow together in a relationship. it hinders the pace at which a healthy relationship progresses. i know that he is holding onto me because someone is better than no one apart from the fact he knows i am decent enough for him! but what about the quality then?? its frustrating when u know that u can't change their state of mind, its ongoing and who knows how many months or years of that has yet to carry on.

My bf's mother has been divorced twice (both bad marriages-one was a wife beater and the other alcoholic) and every time he said to his mum about commiting to me, his mother tends to put him off in a sly manner by saying things like " how are u both going to manage your money?" or "what about the accomodation...?" "isn't u both getting married affect your job?" and so on!
he is not aware that his mum is diverting his attention. its so obvious to me though!

i think if we look at it from more than a personal view point, it seems like a form of depression that nothing gets done about it and such men keep dating, go into long term relationships without realising the emotional damage they are causing to their partners.
its takes a strong person to overcome the grief from past and rise above all.

It is so true aqua-they are bringin other people into their problems, but at the same time, we got to look out for ourselves by not getting involved with them, but it is hard, when you meet and there is an attraction, when sometimes u meet so many men which you say, "I cant see myself wanting to be alone with him..."
I curious though, how do you know his mother says this, does he return this to you or does she say it to your face, in any case, talk about ganging up on someone.
after speakin to you and a few others here I confronted him again last night. I couldnt believe the things I said, about his issues and how I felt about my place, which I told him unless he is willing to let go of his past which is the core to all our problems there really is no place for me in his life and there is no place for him in my life either because I want to be important, not just some woman u spend time with because you dont want to be alone. This is what I want, I said either make a change or I am going to have to start dating others. I was never that upfront bf with him-but the time has come.

Aqua -- So what are you going to do about this guy?

wow, it takes courage and focus to be straight like the way u have been with your BF. its the best approach to the matter. this must have given him a sharp shock of attention. if not than he is not right for you in the long run...even u know that. You must feel better for opening up that way. its like taking out all the weeds in our life, all the things with a negative impact.

His mum has been saying that stuff to him and he is so naive to relay it back to me. when i said this is manipulation he just wont understand my point and said he see's his mum's point!

Thetababe, I would like to put forward my serious concerns about our relationship and reach a decision from there. sometimes its the feelings and emotions that keep us from doing the right thing.

emotion of fear and guilt being the most powerful. Honey I am just concerned about his ability to manipulate you and push your buttons. Have this conversation, but stay strong. If you are not getting what you need from him be prepared to walk away. Really.

You and your son both deserve so much better than you have been getting

Aqua what I heard from the biggest manipulator of my life, the real bad one, he said, "always be suspicious of third party information.." This guy actually is the one that taught me all about manipulative personalities, but he said this so I wouldnt be influenced by what other said about HIM..
It is why I asked how did you know that his mother said this. Second, see how he ganged up on you, returning this info in what she said-he was trying to make you feel that he is right and you are wrong-dont buy it that he was naive to say this, there was a motive, and that is, to gang up on you with HER, so he can control you. This is the actions of a immature insecure man that cant stand up to someone on his own. They need to make you weak, make you think they are right and you are wrong and have a gang behind him so they are more powerful, so he can have control over you, using his mother, I bet she didnt even say the stuff. Please dont be naive to think he just didnt realize what he was doing, manipulators are planners, everything is a plan.

What I mean is, when someone tells you what someone says about you behind your back. maybe sometimes someone says it to help you out, but most of the time, you must be suspicious on why this person is telling you. maybe they are jealous of your relationship with the other person and want to tear that down, or maybe they want to hurt you, a woman has to be on guard..