Having "the talk"
Sun Oct 25 2009 - 04:55 pm
I've met this wonderful man, and everything is going well. We're getting close to the sleeping together part, but I'm wanting some advice on how to have a wee talk before taking that next step. He hasn't come outright that he's wanting a relationship, however all the signs are he's very stable, and I really don't sense he's just wanting a casual fling. Obviously I want to cover off the fact that I'm only wanting to sleep with him in the context of a long term, committed relationship.
I have asked him to slow down, that I'm not wanting to go too fast, and that I'm not a casual sort of person. He has said he understands.
If he hasn't raised this subject yet, how do I initiate ths conversation?
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 10:30 am
#2
Yes, I notice there's not a huge influx of assistance coming through! I'm sure there must be other women also who'd like assistance on what to say when you're about to become more intimate. For me, it goes to the heart of looking after oneself, and feeling secure.
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 11:30 am
#3
Well, in a way I did have that talk, but I think it doesn't really garantee that your guy will automatically commit to you if you tell him you only want sex within a secure, longterm relationship. I believe taking your connection to that level is part of the process of building a longlasting relationship.
But maybe you totally don't agree with that :-)
Anyway, I kinda just said it like Wise mentions: Just say it, and wait for his reaction!
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 09:44 am
#4
Trace-
Maybe when you are ready to have sex, you could say, Oh baby, I definitely want to, but I'd need to know this was a committed relationship first, since sex isn't a casual thing for me..... If he wraps you in his arms, and says, of course, I am committed to only you, then go for it! If he looks uncomfortable, put it off....
Everyone is different though when it comes to being comfortable with sex with a new guy, so just do what YOU feel right about!!!
Good luck!
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 11:10 pm
#5
what i would do is just wait untill he tries to initiate it, then just say 'whooo, only in a relationship' (maybe don't add the 'long term' part lol). my bf came right out and asked me to be his gf after 10 days, then a month later we had sex. so i figure if he really likes you, he will do so too.
i wouldn't initiate a 'talk', just wait untill he starts making his moves and tell him 'relationship only'
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 12:06 am
#6
Yep, sort of done that already when I said I only sleep with a man if I'm in a relationship as I'm not a casual sort of woman. His response was that he understands. But he didn't offer anything else, and he didn't come outright and say a relationship is what he's looking for as well.
I've more or less decided that he's not the sort to muck me around, and I am going ahead on that basis. He is a good man, and I (hope) he has the necessary integrity to go elsewhere if casual is his intention.
It sort of begs the question though - what is a relationship? This can mean different things to men and women.
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 04:48 am
#7
I hate to say it, but whatever you do, you cannot expect an absolute guarantee. Once you are comfortable with each other, in every way he shows you with his actions that he is really into you and you have said that you only have sex in a relationship, I don’t think there is much else you can do. You have to trust your instincts and take your chances. Hoping for the best, but knowing that if it doesn’t work out you are strong and wise enough to deal with it.
(Hypothetically speaking) What if sex is horrible and you are the one who does not want to continue? You should be able to exercise your right to walk away. And so should he. Regardless of the talk you had before.
One word of advice: make sure you have a really good time and you will enjoy yourself, then if for whatever reason it does not work out, you will have gotten something valuable out of it and whichever way you look at it, you won’t feel used.
It is blatantly obvious; it is a topic close to my heart, LOL!
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 05:29 am
#8
Hi Trace,
If he kisses great, gives you massages, has given you all the signs that he is into you and respects you as a person to the point where he makes you feel ready to take that next step then... you are exclusive and taking that next step of having "the talk" may not even be necessary. He may even bring it up!
If he is a good man, as you say, then maybe he will bring it up:)
I have been in several relationships. In each one, we never needed to have "the talk" because it was a quite apparent attraction, logical next step and loving relationship. That's how it worked for me, anyway.
Auds
xoxox
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 06:49 am
#9
Trace
Just to put it out there why have the talk make a thing out of it.. why not decide when you are ready and incorporate it into a great evening you are having together.
Say you are having a lovelly dinner or chilling at home and kisses become more etc etc sure you get the picture then maybe say "I would be comfortable it you would" or something to that matter.
It seems so planned and purposeful if have the talk could ruin the event altogether try and make in natural.
Good Luck xx
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 01:24 pm
#10
Yes, I think you're right. Relationships always involve a bit of a risk, and even if we have a talk, that's no guarantee. I've decided to go with my instincts on this, and just go with the flow.
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 07:40 pm
#11
Good girl, Trace:)))
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 11:08 pm
#12
Ahhh, Just nail him to the sheets!!! (oh, wouldn't that be great if only it were that easy). What is your heart telling you? (and don't confuse the old hormones w/ the heart...no juicy rationalizations allowed!). When you feel SAFE, you just know it. But still make him use the 'ole male protection. If he refuses, or comes up w/some lame excuse..then no go. No room to throw caution to the wind this early in a relationship.
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 04:49 pm
#13
Practical as ever Smerk (that's what I like about you!) My gut instinct says he's a good man. We've discussed the issue of STDs and I am more than happy with how this was covered off (and what's more, he raised the issue).
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 09:59 pm
#14
Trace,
Just relax and go with it. It's how you act after the sex that can make or break it. Go to Strong's thread about confidence and insecurities if you haven't already, lots of good advice there, the topic is covered. I have never had that talk before sex, it feels so not natural and I want it to feel natural and just flow. Hard to get, easy to be with applies in all areas.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 11:06 am
#15
Trace, the men i have had long term commitment with made it clear to me by stating so from the get-go, they told me what they wanted and how the wanted the relshp to proceed and what the future was, and that i was the only one. If you ask a man and he says he understands, that is maintaining his position of not bringing it up. Like everyone else said, if you feel safe and the relshp seems to have a commitment, go with your feelings. Maybe there are just different kinds of men out there and yours communicates with feelings.
Obviously, this is a tricky subject as very unusually nobody seems to volunteer any advice :).
I have never had this talk myself, I understand from other threads that some women simply say they only have sex within a relationship and see what their partner says to that.