Have I ruined my chances before the first date?
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 06:04 am
Hello Paige
I met this great guy online, tall dark and handsome and seems really into me. He contacted from a dating site and said I was ' his type'. From there we had one phone call and have been mostly instant messaging. We had on webcam just to see each other.
My mind ofcourse was thinking this is too good to be true....but enjoyed chatting. The thing is he lives about an hour and a half away, is busy with his work, and home improvements and I work full time with three kids. He said after his shoot for a tv production he would be happy to come see me fitting it all around me. We made a plan to do something when I got a weeks break from school were I work.
Well the weekend before the break he got me to set a date. My mistake is we continued flirting by messenger into the night. Well th night before the date when I text him to say the time to meet, he texted back to say he was with his mum who was upset about his sister being seriously ill and was going to call me to the next day to rearrange. Well I tried to lethim know that I needed more notice and to call when he was available....I wanted to come off as if I expected more consideration.....instead I think I came across as upset and self centered.
He hasn't called like he said he would. He was on facebook, told me he felt really bad, I asked after his family....but get the feeling he is pulling away. He deleted certain messages I sent to him on facebook, not a good sign.
I really like him and feel myself getting emotional...can I draw him back? should I wait for him to make the next move. Yes there are other guys, in fact there are plenty more asking me about dates. And I know I should have gone out and dated myself rather than cancel the babysitters. I am useless at playing it cool....I want to get this first date with him. Have I already scared him off?
Carolyn
Sun Nov 01 2009 - 06:50 pm
Maybe you have but at least learn from it! I dont' want to give you false hope that he's still keen because he didn't follow through on calling you back. This tells me that he may not be keen. If his sister is seriously ill (and we don't know anything about that) that is a pretty good excuse for cancelling without much notice - it's not like he's just being useless.
What to do now? Stop contact with him altogether - unless he contacts you first. I'd forget about trying to get this first date with him - date one of the other guys who are interested in you and practice positive behaviour with them! If you keep messaging him and trying to get his attention you will be making yourself look desperate and clingy. If that is how you feel thats ok just don't act out on it! Don't beat yourself up over it either. Gosh, when I think of things I've done to put men off me I gringe, even now! But you can always learn from past mistakes.
So, yes, wait for him to make the next move and in the meantime - get on with your life and date those other guys. xx
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 06:26 pm
Thanks for your reply and advice and the reassurance that we all do these self sabotaging things. Trying not the beat myself up and have deleted all his photos, mail and messages, because it is all too clear that he is avoiding me. Really shouldn't have looked at his facebook but realised he is travelling to meet someone in another country and he couldn't get to me when I am just over an hour away!
So I didn't think a long distance relationship could work and it became self fulfilling. Not that it ever got off the ground!
On the brighter side I keep meeting people. Today at work a new guy asked if I would be interested in meeting his friend because he thinks I am such a wonderful person and that we would get on. So I guess I don't chase everyone away! I can be cool... at least when I am not interested. So I will try to keep the nonchalent approach. Still can't get over this colleague though!
What do I have to lose? I can make a few friends if nothing more...cause right now everyone else still looks like frogs...compared to the one that got away!
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 11:20 pm
I agree with Gretel, this is a great learning experience for you! Notice also how you did so much with this guy? He got you to set the date, (when he should have), you texted him asking what time you were to meet the next day (when he should have done so) etc etc.
Next time, just lean back (like the cool cat I know you are) and let the man come to you...
Until you meet someone in real life, you don't truly know them, so I would avoid making him into too much of a good thing.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 05:13 pm
Thanks Trace and Gretel. Very good points about leaning back. Its not natural for me.... I got my ex husband by making the first move, btw. But that relationship is over...so I know better.
The reason I set the date... was because he insisted he would fit around me and the kids... and come up to see me. So I knew the venue and time etc.
But surprise, surprise I received two emails within an hour this evening. The first asking if I sent a 'Who blocked you MSN application', which I didn't (I opened it and it's sent to friends automatically), the second was to say sorry for being quiet...it was down to family stuff and house renovations, castings etc. And he asked if I blocked him. I almost did!!
Well I breathed a sigh of relief.... but I have not replied.
I have emailed enough, so will lean back, not get my hopes up again....well not too openly anyway.
Its difficult to know how to lean back when a guy wants you to make the date arrangements because he's from out of town and coming to me.
Any ideas would be appreciated, cause it looks like I might get a second chance, please help me not to mess this up!!!!
Thanks
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 05:53 pm
Give him a chance to step up! Just because he asks you to make a date, does not mean you have to jump right to it.
Would it work for you to say something like "I feel a bit funny about making the arrangements for a date. I'd rather you suggest something, and I am happy to go along with whatever you come up with. After all, I'm supposed to be the lady here!" (Or something along those lines - keep it brief and light).
It should be enough that you let him know your schedule or availability.
Let him come to you, and resist the urge to step in to "help him out". (Yes, I know we can probably do a way better job, but if you never give him an opportunity, you'll never know will you?)
BTW, even after you do all this, he still might not qualify. Just watch and see...you are still in the interviewing stage here!
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 07:04 pm
LOL! That is so typical - and funny!
Let him lead and see what happens:)
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 05:52 pm
He's back on the dating site, I took down my pic but logged in to check out of curiousity and there he is stunning pic with new username and slight change to profile details....Doesn't that just make you feel gutted if that happens? Reckon he is not feeling it when he chats with me. And I jokingly told him I saw him back on.....so he probably won't initiate chat after that. I've blown it lets face it. Its too hard to lean back when you are behind a screen. I want something to happen....but how?
He's travelling soon as well..he mentioned nothing exciting happening but he wouldn't tell me would he? He is always asking me if I am dating? Maybe I should have said no... I just told the truth. Why does a guy ask that question anyway? Still busy with work and stuff....Is that his way of saying move on?
BTW I have more winks on the dating site but refused to renew my membership. Had a pleasant but boring new date on saturday night....and when I got home chatted to him about it as I saw him online. He asked what I had been up to. He said he was too tired to cam... and yes I initiated again.
Help! I don't always contact him on messenger....but I always want to, it's the only mode of communication!!
Sun Nov 22 2009 - 06:31 pm
I hate to say it Candy but have you considered that he might not be in the right space for a relationship right now? Try not to obsess over this one and open yourself up to other opportunities.
If you can shrig your shoulders and adopt a "don't care either way" approach whereby you say to yourself "oh well, it's his loss, not mine" then truly that is better.
Mon Nov 23 2009 - 12:53 pm
Hi Carolyn
In addition to the other ladies' excellent advice, remember one really important factor here: this is just some guy you've 'met' on a dating site. You've haven't even met him in the flesh yet!
Your telephone/webcam/IM conversations were probably very nice, but the bottom line is, until you meet someone face-to-face a 'cyber' relationship usually means very little. I did the whole internet dating thing and there are some great guys out there, but there are also lots of them who want nothing more than to chat. And believe me, men can *say* all the things you want to hear but it's what they actually *do* that counts.
I am sure plenty of men who are just as good-looking if not better will come along. Just enjoy chatting to them, and don't start getting stressed and worried about cyber 'relationships' unless/until it actually turns into something real.
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