giving relationsips space
Mon Sep 07 2009 - 08:51 am
I have been seeing a man for 8 months. We are not in a committed relationship, but a very special one. He lives in another state, so we do a lot of emailing and calling. Without telling him, I have decided to give our relationship some space by not emailing or calling, to allow some time to go by. I feel I have been too convenient, and as we all know, men want something that can't have. The old adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” The experts say, "If you want to be the love object," you have to give your lover time to think about you, to fantasize about you -- without you being there or contacting them If you're in their face constantly, they have no opportunity to develop an "aggrandized" image of you.
My question is, how long do I “give our relationship space”? It's only been 3 days and I told him I was going out of town for a couple of days. I did not expect to hear from him yet and was going to wait until he called me.
Please give me some advice, I would appreciate it.
Thank you, Tracy
Mon Sep 07 2009 - 01:01 pm
Don't shut down....make him chase you because that's what they love. Wait for his e-mail, text, etc. when you respond, make it brief. Address his questions... no more. I have been doing this for months with my guy. They like to be the man. The pursuer. The more he chases, the harder he'll fall.
Mon Sep 07 2009 - 02:30 pm
And don't respond right away. Would not hurt to not reply one night.
Thu Sep 10 2009 - 06:45 pm
I don't see why you would lie to your friend. If the relationship is enjoyable, you should not test waters in the way you have chosen. It sounds like you want to take the relationship further and figure by giving him space, he will realize that he wants to make the relationship exclusive. I could be wrong. If that is the case, I don't think the "space" idea was the best idea.
Fri Sep 11 2009 - 05:58 pm
I can see where you're coming from, but I'd say just be careful b/c introducing the "space" the way you're doing it is a bit artificial and could backfire b/c he might end up thinking you're just not that into him or get paranoid if you have prolonged periods of silence. (that's what guys do to us, right?? ;))
Maybe it would be better to be genuinely busy with other things, other interests. fill up your calendar with activities and friends, and not have your schedule revolve around conversations with him (if that's what has happened over time). You might find that you're naturally unavailable for lots of emails and calls b/c you really are busy doing fun things for yourself. When you do interact with him, you can then tell him about those things. He'll get the message (altho who know with guys, right -lol) that you have a life outside of him and that he shouldn't expect that you'll arrange your schedule entirely around your convos - thus, he'll have to put in some work, too.
btw, my other concern with your testing the relationship by giving it space (when really it's about wanting him to pursue and not take you for granted) is that it sounds like you're in an LDR of sorts since you live in diff states. LDRs are already challenging enough w/out introducing a test on top of that. You need those regular emails & phone calls to keep the connection alive and the relationship moving forward b/c it can slide backwards so quickly than if you had more face-to-face contact. (I'm currently in an LDR myself, and my guy seems to be going thru a freakout, so that's why i'm sensitive to the space thing!) Like I said, I wouldn't want to see it backfire on you - you just don't know what the consequences might be down the line. You can still pull back a bit and get your message across without going into a cave of your own )))
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