Hi MPJ45,
I understand where you are coming from.
Hard to forget thinking about him, all day everyday etc.

I think it is best if you can take a Holiday away from home, you need a break try and take your mind off him.
It is hard but you have to give it a go.
I felt the same way as you, January this year with a man I felt strongly for, but he never felt the same way towards me. The feelings I had for him were eating me up inside, I Had to take a week off work and go bush and relax, lit a fire, and think he is Not worth it.
There will be another man enter your life and appreciate You for you.
In the meantime, be happy and love yourself, make changes around your home etc.
Hope that helps you
:)

Hi MPJ45

I know exactly what you're going through I was told the same thing. "I will never fall in love with him he won't let me". I felt cut.
He saw me at work and rang me up, we hit it off over the phone and began speaking to each other for 3 to 4 hours every day for about 8 weeks, he kept asking me to go out with him but because I did'nt know what he looked like I was a bit reluctant, when he finally convinced me to meet for coffee, I finally did after I sent him to my hairdresser so she could tell me what he looked like, she said, "you have to meet him you guys really look like a match", so I finally did.
We had already talked so much on the phone all there was left was to meet. The moment we set eyes on each other it was an instant attraction an added bonus as we were already getting along.
We went out for about 4 months and spoke for hours every day. I'd never felt like this and neither had he, one day out of the blue he said, "I can't do it, I don't want to hurt you, you will always be my friend", I told he that's ok I understand, (I actually did'nt understand) but I know he loved me. I did'nt expect to hear from him again but he called again and this is 15 months later, I don't understand but we talk all the time over the phone and it's hard for me, I keep thinking why does he keep calling if he doesn't want me, but what helps me now is that I write what I want in a man and try and see this one as a friend. I don't know if this will help you but I do need to say if you keep busy and your head held high if your man is still around even as a friend he may work out his feelings and trust issues.
Best Wishes.

Thank you Miranda!

Hi Hussein!
That sounds familiar! So basically he seeked you out dated you and enjoyed being with you! I am insecure in dating an need help but it sounds to me like he knew in advance that it wasn't going to go forward and knew he couldn't. The words (I can't do it I don't want to hurt you) I would ask myself can't do what? And I don't want to hurt you means he cares! Is he running away from himself like mine! Or does he have a commitment already and wanted to try something new and felt guilty about it! You often wonder what goes on in their silly little minds! Are they just scardy cats or sly? Thank you for writing me! I have been through alot in 47 years but the best thing I did was to find this site!It's nice to have caring people to help each other! Thanks to all!

HI
Im in a situation and feel i DON'T know what to do.. I met this guy online 6 months ago the attraction was there for both of us from the start! We saw each other for 6 weeks about four times a week.. he had first told me he was broken up with his last girlfriend about 3 months and made it like not a big deal. We did sleep together after 2 weeks of knowing each other.
(I had a non excistant sex life for 15 yrs with my husband) The sex was great! for both of us..Then it came out he and the girlfriend were only broken up a couple of weeks before I met him they have been breakin up and going back for 2 yrs now they are in there 50's
Now she wants him back so he goes back but e mails me once a week to say hi..

3 weeks ago without hearing from him my heart was broken I email him how is everything he says the girlfriend is away for 2 weeks lets get together we do...

We have been seeing each other since then for 4 months now... She only wants to see him two weekends a month which he not happy with he says he knows its not goiing well but needs to come to terms with it slowly

So tech they are still together.. i seee him about once or twice a week and he gets jealous that Im dating other guys... he is all mixed up..

My question is do I keep seeing him? and continue to date? or end it?
I know he cares for me but is still hurt by her..

I mean the sex is fantastic I dont't want to not have it again...

I don't know im confused.. I did meet a guy that I like but he does not live by me yet he will in dec and we do talk and have gone out on a date... Thank you for any advice you give

So how do you like being the "other woman?" You aren't confused really, so much as know what you need to do but aren't willing to do it. If he is sneaking around to see you then you are a booty call and that's all.

Okay, I know the above sounds harsh but you are hurting yourself by allowing this man to treat you (and her coincidentally) so badly. Please, you know you need to stop seeing him. The sex may be fantastic but since when are we animals ruled by lust? Sex is just sex and you can find fantastic sex again, and better, in a committed relationship. This is never going to fullfill your inner needs.

Thank you for you comment.

I know Im a booty call but so is he for me it goes both ways I just figured until I meet someone new or he gets over the other one which that relationship has ran its course.. I might as well have fun.. No?

If you are both booty calls to each other, there is where you defined the relationship and if this works for you until you find another man, where does the confusion come from?

I guess I really want more and are hoping for more... but i am still out there looking... but i dont want to give him up but yes some times it just dosen't feel right some times im ok with it.. I do have feelings for him I guess im hoping he will adventually feel the same

Okay, you really have got to read the book "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. This book will have some answers for you. I am in my 40's and have yet to have a relationship that is really healthy. OMG! You will do yourself a HUGH favor and save yourself A LOT of pain and greif by just reading this book.

Good luck in life and Love

Mssingle-Annapolis

Thank you I have seen the book and will get it... but i hate playing games im open and honest but i guess that just dosen't matter in this world

just got out of a booty call or friends w/benefits situation and you are really hurting yourself! Mine has been for 2 years and it hasn't gotten to be more on his part. I love him, but all I am is a warm hole (excuse my frankness).

The problem is that we love these men so much that we tell ourselves that we can stay in it for the sex (because I agree..ITS VERY VERY VERY GOOD)....but how do they view us?

You say these men care or love you? Ladies...if they did..TRULY love you...would they really keep you just for sex or would they let you go to find someone that really wants to treat/love you right?

GET OUT ASAP! If you keep prolonging it..it will be worse! PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY THIS...I TOO HURT, I TOO AM SORRY HE COULDN'T LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVED HIM, I TOO WANT HIM SOMETIMES THAT I CRY AN ENTIRE DAY....

BUT DON'T END UP LIKE ME..2 YEARS LATER (OR MORE) AND WISHING YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LET HIM GO LONG TIME AGO!!!

PLEASE LET THESE MEN GO!

Thank you thank you

I tried once and thought i was going to loose my mind I could not stop crying!! I am dating others but its just so hard out there!

Hey tigerlilyyy

You're right, it's tough :-( One of the scary things of letting go of someone is not just how much it hurts at first but also the thought of going out there and doing it all again...dating involves a lot of 'frog kissing' - i.e. you have to eliminate a few idiots on the journey to meeting the prince and even when you meet nice guys, it's difficult not to compare them to the one you've just broken up with (even if he is a twat).

Hand in there, it takes time but it *will* get better, I promise. Keep reminding yourself that he treated you badly and your life will be better without him in the long run. I guarantee that one month from now this will really 'kick in' - you'll start remembering all the other things about this guy that p1ssed you off - and reach a point where you can say to yourself, 'Actually, he wasn't really all that great, was he?'. x

You are all right!! I basically laid it out on the line last night He was actually jealous because he thought i was sleeping with someone else. I said you are he wrote in a e mail we All new the palyers when we started this!!

Thank you I copied and pasted all your comments so I can read them every day! I have to tell you I can not stop crying!!!

Keep building your support networks, surround yourself with people who care and accept you, work on building strong boundaries, and visualise the future you want for yourself. This is a bit like an addiction, but if you reach out for the support you need, you'll get through. Check in here often as well. There are lots of really good women who'll be able to help you through the dark days and nights.

Progress is made one small step at a time.

Sending you lots of encouragement anyway!

were can i find a Friends with Benefits here in springfield illionis

DON'T TRY!!!! ITS NOT A GOOD THING! UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN THAT IS HEARTLESS AND COLD...YOU WILL END UP HEARTBROKEN...LIKE SO MANY OF US!

Ditto.

;-(

I'm new to this site. Just joined up today but I've been getting the newsletters for months. I have a friends with benefits situation. Any and all advice is desperately needed, wanted and welcomed.

I just finished reading the latest newsletter "Give THANKS for Great Guys!". In there is a list of "12 Signs He's A Great Guy". Well I have a friend, and he is all of those things and so much more. We met in early July at a city park, and for about a month or so that was our meeting place. In August he invited me to meet his family and partake, with him and his family, in the annual caribbean parade. Its at this time that we became intimate. We got closer in our friendship after that and started spending more time together. At one point in September, he encouraged me to go on a date with a guy I told him I met (remember him and I are only friends at this point), so I took his advice and went on that date (just drinks at an Irish pub). I called to tell my friend that I went on the date a couple of days after the fact and instantly he got mad, jealous and then he hung up on me. For a few weeks after that he barely spoke to me, stopped going to the park altogether and I only saw him a couple of times, very briefly, during those weeks. I spoke to a few of my friends, even my Mom about his behavior, and they all said the same thing..... he obviously has feelings for me but refuses to voice them. For the past month we have been hanging out together more, either at his place or my place (we live a few blocks from each other). We spend hours together everyday, he calls me 3 or 4 times a day, we talk about everything and anything, we find that we have so much in common, we laugh often, he's teaching me how to rollerblade. We're rarely intimate... 2 to 4 times a month so the "benefits" are not the biggest thing going on in our friendship.

Now after giving you the history with this friend of mine I have to say that I have begun to care about him a lot. He has told me many times that he cares a lot about me too BUT as a friend. He confessed early on that he would've liked to start a relationship with me cause he was very attracted to me and the kind of woman he could settle down with. But for whatever reason he changed his mind on that and constantly tells me how we're just friends. Yet with all his professing in telling me this, he acts like a jealous boyfriend every time I go on a date or even mention other guy friends of mine. He can be touchy feely with me (a few kisses, hugs, even a few cuddles), and often I have found him staring at me for long periods of time. They say your eyes are the windows to your soul. Well when I have caught him staring at me his eyes seem to speak volumes to me but when I have asked him about it he won't say anything. His actions seem to tell me that he likes me as more than just a friend. A friend of his and his brother have just assumed that we're "together" because we spend so much time together, and they've seen the way he acts towards me.

Needless to say his words and actions towards me are opposites and there are times when I don't know if I'm coming or going after spending time with him. I'm afraid to voice my thoughts and feelings to him in fear that I could lose the close friendship I have with him because above all else I value the friendship we've built. Am I reading too much into all of this, into him? Do I say anything or let sleeping dogs lie and wait to see if he comes forward on his own? Obviously I haven't allowed his behavior to stop me from being part of the dating world but he is one constant person in my life every single day. I have gone around and around in my head and heart about this, finally needed to talk about it, hoping that writing it out would make more sense, and that I could get some MUCH needed advice. Please tell me you have some advice for someone who feels like she's losing an inner battle over a friend.

Bella,
It is good that you are dating.
I do think maybe you need to see if he will come forward on this one.
I also think you need to take away his "benefits". I know that is not what you want to hear, but if you want more than friendship, then you must. You also stated that you don't want to lose him as a friend. THis is a way for him to show you what he really feels for you. If it is truely only friendship, then you will know by his response.

If you stop sleeping with him, you will show him that you respect yourself and that you only want to be intimate with someone that wants to be in a relationship with you.

Good Luck.
I will check back,
'Nuts'

Hey 'Nuts',
No it wasn't something that I wanted to hear but I know you're right. The "benefits" haven't been a part of our friendship for the past month and it's in the past month that we've become closer than we ever were. We've spent time together almost everyday and if we don't see each other he calls and texts me quite often everyday. I've had a couple of my friends tell me to just enjoy where things are right now, to "go with the flow". I can do that but there are times when it's not that easy to do. I go with the flow when things are simple and we're just having some laughs and coffee together. Its when he just looks at me, or touches me in the simplest ways or hugs me for long, that my heart stops and I have to bite my tongue not to confront him about his thoughts/feelings. Is the emotional roller-coaster I'm on all my own doing? Am I not seeing something that I should be? As you can tell, my mind and heart is all over the place about this friend of mine.
Thanks for your words Nuts.
Bella

Hi Bella,
I am sorry it took so long to check back.

I took away the "benefits" from my "friend".
He is now out of my life. (again....probably NOT what you want to hear)

BUT.....it has made this so crystal clear for me. I am an intelligent, beautiful (hard for me to type that....but it's true!!!) woman and I sooooooo deserve more that what this man was giving me. I know on some level he loves me, but it was not enough. As the ladies here say, I deserve someone who will move mountains for me. I deserve the whole pie, not just the crumbs. This man loved me in his own selfish way, but took advantage of my love for him. He is now trying to contact me, but I am not responding to him. I will only let him back in when he decides to move a mountain. (I know he will never do that....he is not capable.)

THis time away from him has given my heart and my head some time to look at the situation for what it really was. There are men out there that are actively trying to move mountains. I was not allowing them, because I wanted it from him, not them. Now that I am not seeing him any more, I look at it and it is ridiculous!!!! These kind, unselfish, men are competing for even a minute of my attention and getting nothing. While this other guy is treating me like dirt and getting all of me.....emotionally and physically!!! Soooo wrong! (BTW - I don't want to give the impression that he is mean or abusive or anything like that....he is always so fun and kind and sweet to me, but I am not a priority...and I deserve to be!)

I feel like I am rambling.
My point is....maybe some downtime will give you some perspective. If you were entirely happy and getting what you deserve, you wouldn't be here, right?

Something needs to change. you deserve it.

Love,
'Nuts'

DWDNUT...your situation sounds just like mine! I gave all of me to my ex FWB and he gave nothing in return! I wanted his love, attention and appreciation but all he gave was s@x! I still love him and see him at work thru out the week...but he isn't capable of giving the type of love that I deserve to me! I am glad you have realized who you are and that you deserve the whole cake (not pie..don't like pie-hahaha) and not the crumbs! I realized that long time ago...just kept holding on to the "pipe" dream and every month it kept going up in smoke!

We all can do better and I believe I have found the right guy for me after letting the fwb go! He is wonderful..please read my thread under dating...ITS 2ND DATE A MUST READ! Tell me what you think!

I am glad it is still going well, Its.

Will visit your thread.

xoxox

Hello MPJ45,

It seems as if you peeked into my life if I didn't know any better..lol I went through something along that line some time ago. I had just started working a new job he came after me. Every day he delivered a package and I was there he made little comments...anyway I took him up on his comments...After about two month he told me he loved me then it went to he doesn't want a girlfriend... I hate saying this but I gave him 1 year(i know I shouldn't). After the year something inside of me said no more I needed to move on. You did better than I did with erasing his numbers. I didn't it took sometime but I had to let him go. He calls me from time to time wanting me to come over to his house...I DON'T AT ALL! It's his lost not mine.... Keep your distance it will help. Soon you will realize that he does not matter. Good Luck!

Good for you Nuts. You can be proud of yourself!

Hey there... yeah this is my first thing ever to write on a blog like this but i feel the need to open up to at least someone. There is this guy i'm kind of seeing... i guess we're friends with benefits but the whole ting kinda lacks the "friends" part.

i met him in the summer at a party and didnt really notice him. then he got in contact with me over the internet so we started talking a little bit, but i wasnt interested at that time. now in september suddenly we started talking again and this time i started liking him. we only ever talked on the computer, but we did talk a lot!!! about anything and everything!!! we cleared fronts and he said that he didnt want a relationship right now because he said he was really busy and i told him that i was ok with that. well i was at the time...

now we've been talking everyday for 2 to 3 hours for the past almost 4 months and i can say i know him quite well. In november we decided to meet up so he picked me up and we had sex. I know it was a stupid thing to do but at the time it didnt really matter, i really was just in it for the sex but liked him as a friend. After this "incident" we talked about our motives once again and i figured out that he just doesnt want to go public (our age difference is a problem for him)but he said that in a couple of years he'd really like to date me so i agreed and we had sex again a while after that. all in all we only slept together twice and its been a while since i have seen him (we never just hung out, the only times we met up was to have sex)

im starting to really miss him and we talk still almost everyday, but im starting to think that it will never go anywhere... is there ANY WAY to change his mind about dating me? i really like him and he told me he likes me too, but lately ive always been the one to say "hey" first (he might not have seen that i was online). there must be a way to make him want to have me so please help! the foundation is there... hes a sweet guy and not a player, and hes not an asshole, but how can i send the right signals so he will see that me and him just make sense?

Hi PetLover. Welcome to the DWD Forums. There are many very helpful people here.

I hate to make this sound as harsh as it is going to, but, I am going to say it. It sounds *to me* that he is using you for just a booty call. The fact that he told you he doesn't want a relationship and he doesn't want anyone to know about you sends up a huge red flag to me. Maybe he's married or in a relationship with someone else?

Another red flag that I see is you're the one who contacts him first now. He is taking you for granted. He knows you are going to be there for him anytime he wants sex from you.

The only way that I know of that *might* get him to change his mind about dating you *if* he isn't in a relationship already is for you to stop contacting him first from now on. If he wants to see you again let him make the contact first.

The other thing you have to think about is are you willing to see him just to have sex with him? If that is all you want, that's fine. If you want more, like real dates, him calling you his girlfriend, meeting his friends and family, etc., then you need to put a greater value on yourself.

I would stop having sex with him. I would also tell him I want more than just sex in my life and stand firm to this. If he says he can't do that, then I would stop all contact with him and let him go. If he does change his mind later, I would tell him to take me on a real date or it's no go.

In the meantime, I would go out with my friends and have fun "in the real world". See if I meet other guys that way. I would also find new hobbies to keep me busy and not think of him constantly.

These are just *my* suggestions PetLover. You will have to think about what you really want and decide where to go from there.

Again, welcome to the DWD Forums and no matter what you decide to do, the people here will support you through thick and thin.

thanks mistyck!!
i know for sure that hes not in a relationship right now since my older sister is friends with him too (just frinds though!) i guess you're right about the letting him contact me first thing and i had been debating over that for a while now, but i always gave up because i really wanted to talk to him and didnt want to wait for him to say hello first, there is other guys that im interested in and that are interested in me, but he is the one that i really want, the only one that i can and want to see myself with at the moment... its not all about the sex anymore, but im also not sure how taking it to the next level would change things... i could live with being friends with benefits but i could also be in a real relationship with him... im just so confused because i dont really know what i want... or what he wants for that matter... all i know is that i miss him and that i want him to miss me back...

Let him contact you first from now on. I know it's hard to do that. I had to do that with my guy because I realized he was starting to take me for granted. Not initiating contact is the ONLY way I know of to make him miss you.

It's not easy I know. I had to do it and it really did make a huge difference. I also keep myself busy with other things I like to do and that has helped with not grabbing the phone and calling him.

Men want what they can't have. If they know they can have you anytime they want, they get bored. You have to not be available to him all the time for him to get a chance to miss you.

Also, check out the thread titled "Stupid Love" in the DATING forum. I and others talk about how we are dealing with not calling him first there.

You both entered into a contract of Friends with Benefits. By your own admission, you were OK with that to start with. However, now, your feelings have altered and you'd like more.

It's very normal for a woman to experience feelings for a man whom she sleeps with, never mind what the discussion was prior, and never mind what was agreed with. This is the way we women are wired, and also partly why FWB is not a good option for (most) women.

However, my concern here for you Petlover, is how you are going to protect your emotional centre. If you continue sleeping with him, your yearnings will likely increase. And your feelings will likely be all over the place as well. At this point you'll have a decision to make. Continue sleeping with him and withhold your true feelings, or talk to him and risk possible rejection.

Please do not make the mistake many women make in thinking a man will alter his mind. The statistics of a man altering his way of thinking from FWB to a real reltionship are incredibly low. Less than 1%. It will be easy for you right now to start fantasizing of hopes of a relationship, by looking at all the signs he could want this. I feel this would be a mistake. Actions, and sustained actions over time will only give you this. To this end, I would caution you not to put too much stock in his words that he can see a relationship developing in time with you.

I'm sorry I am being so harsh. I wish I could take some of the pain away. It's a really hard place to be in right now.

Have a really good think about what it is you're really wanting in your life. Then make your decision based on that.

thank you trace for being so honest!
you're right my feelings are all over the place... on one hand i want for us to be more than just this but on the other hand im thinking why not stick with this at least for the next little while, he might come around (i know its very unlikely) or i might find another guy that meets my needs better than this one! i havent seen the guy in 6 weeks now although we live 10 minutes away from each other and im really starting to miss him! we still talk every day but i feel the need of seeing him and being with him again. my friend is telling me to just tell him that i miss him and explaining my feelings to him, but as u said i dont want him to pull away.

petlover...if he isn't ready for a relationship and all you have been to him is an FWB...then chances are he will pull away...but only for a short time...when he comes back and you accepts him back..the FWB will start all over again. I am sorry to say, that I doubt you will get more out of him at this point.

yeah i guess i understand... its just so hard because i dont wanna give up yet! ive spent so much time talking to him and thinking about him that it feels like ive wasted the past 4 monthts if i throw it all away now, but i know that holding on could tear me apart... i wanna give it a few more weeks til i decide... its sooo hard! hes the first thing on my mind when i wake up (no joke!) and the last thought before i go to sleep, but im trying really hard to stop this and think about more important things, i guess the holidays make it worse and all my friends having boyfriends doesnt help either...

PETLOVER......OH GIRLIE I HAVE BEEN EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE! PLEASE KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY!!! MY EX FWB MADE ME HAVE TO GO TO THE CHIROPRACTOR FOR THE STRESS THAT HE CAUSED ME WAS ALL IN MY NECK, SHOULDERS AND BACK AND I EVEN GET A BUMP ON THE LOWER PART OF MY NAPE WHEN THINGS GO CRAZY BETWEEN ME AND HIM! BABY DON'T LET THIS GUY MAKE YOU GO 4 YEARS OF WAITING ON HIM AND YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW HE IS...I WAS WITH MINE FOR 2 YEARS AND HE JUST TEXT ME TODAY TO SEE IF HE COULD GET SOME B4 HE LEAVES TO GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS! AND THE SAD PART IS, HE DOESN'T HAVE A GIFT FOR ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT...HE JUST WANT SEX AND SEND ME OUT OF THE DOOR! BABY I DID THAT FOR 2 YEARS...NOT ANYMORE..ITS OVER AND HE CAN TRY AND USE THE NEXT GIRL..BUT NOT ME! I WISH LIKE HELL THAT I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT AT 4 MTHS..THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE FELT ALL OF THE PAIN AND HEARTACHE THAT I ALLOWED HIM TO CAUSE ME AND A $265 DOCTOR BILL TOO! I KNOW ITS HARD...IF YOU READ MY POST FROM THIS PAST SUMMER, YOU WOULD SEE I WAS RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE TODAY! ITS NOT EASY BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT IF YOU JUST GO INTO NO CONTACT FOR 2 WEEKS..YOU WILL SEE THINGS A LOT CLEARER!

Please listen to what they are telling you. I wish someone would have beat it into me before I kept going. I thought I could do it, but no matter how much I tried to justify it, in reality, deep down it was about the hope he'll become 'real'. Like kissing a frog over and over and over and keep hoping he'll turn into your prince. All the confusion and pain you are already feeling will get worse. Thinking about him all the time, like an addiction. Wondering when you'll hear from him again. And it won't be for a date. Believing he must care because he wants to see you. Oh yeah, they are sexy and captivating. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just that He Doesn't want a commitment with you. Trying to figure out Why he doesn't will be your problem, not his. He'll be going along happy with life and getting his needs met and you'll feel like you are slowly dying. Who was it, Einstein? said the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over even though you are still getting the same results (something to that effect). For me, my life was a complete mess before I finally surrendered. I'm still digging myself back out. God help you, really.

itspossible, that sounds horrible about what happened to you resulting from the stress!! i dont want to end up like that, i dont want to have to suffer just because of some(!!!) guy...
but its so hard because i still want him, and i want to talk to him and see him and feel him...
i dont think i'll be able to let go without talking to him about it, i need to tell him how i feel and hope that either he will feel the same way or he doesnt! but if he doesnt then at lelast i can move on without thinking "what if he did like me"... i need to see him so i can end all of this, its getting to much to handle and im sick of having to think about him constantly and needing him. im not that kind of person, im not needy, and i dont need a guy to make me happy so i can be happy! i am a strong woman on my own and i need to feel that way again! thanks girls for telling me to stop because thats all i really needed to hear! because deep down i do know that this makes no sense and that hes never gonna want me the way i want him, i just needed to find someone that can tell me that its not alright and agree with my feelings

Petlover...in one breath you say you need to see if he likes you like you like him, but then further down the post, you say that you know he doesn't want to be with you like that! Sweetie...let me tell you..I can write your story for you! I was you this summer! I promise you that it gets easier! But I felt that EXACT SAME way! I wanted to talk/feel/hold/sex/love him but that is just not what he wants at all with me! All he wants is sex and that is just every so often! You can have the "talk" with him, but I am not sure you will come out on the winning end! Not sure ...it might make matters worse! Eventually, you will be fine with accepting that he only wanted one thing ...but it just takes time1 Sorry!

itspossible
i know... i understand... i want to hear it from him tho til i can fully move on because im already starting to! getting over him is number 1 on my new years resolutions list! im not gonna keep worrying about him and how he feels about me when i already kinda do know... i know it sounds really dumb but i need to hear him say it that its not gonna be more than this just so i can fully realize it.

HEY...AGAIN...I UNDERSTAND...BUT HE MIGHT NOT SAY IT OR NOT HARSH ENOUGH FOR YOU TO PULL BACK! EVEN IF HE DOES SAY IT..."YOU" WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, AND YOU CAN DO THAT WITHOUT HIM SAYING IT TO YOU! I FELT THE SAME WAY...I WANTED HIM TO JUST LET ME GO AND SAY IT ...BUT WHAT MAN IS GOING TO LET SOME "TAIL" GO? 99% OF THEM WON'T! SO ITS GOING TO BE UP TO YOU REGARDLESS IF YOU HEAR IT FROM HIM OR NOT! I DO WISH YOU THE BEST!

I agree, have the talk as that will assist you to move forward. If you don't, you'll always wonder "what if?" However, just bear in mind that when you do so, a woman is often at her most vulnerable. He could pull away, and yes, that might hurt. But just as equally, he could tell you what you most want to hear, and that can often be far more dangerous.

Choose your words with care, watch body language, and above all, look at his actions, not his words.

Finally, keep uppermost in your mind what it is you are wanting, and what you deserve. Take actions that are consistent with what you want and deserve.

Take care and good luck!

thanks trace for agreeing and yes ive already laid out my words what im goin to say. i know actions speak louder than words so i'll have to watch how he reacts to what im saying.

itspossible
i have to say that even after everything that happened this man is NOT an asshole and this is not me being protective over him. he does care and everyone that i know that knows him could tell you that hes sweet and caring. i dont think he sees me as a "tail". i guess thats what makes it so hard to move on because i know hes capable of having a good relationship with me its just our age difference thats a problem for him. i just bought a new cell phone on wednesday and put my number up on msn where we usually talk and i told him to text me sometime but i didnt add him to my contacts yet so i wouldnt be tempted to text him first. i didnt have my hopes up at all that he would text me so i kinda just accepted the fact that i wasnt goin to hear from him soon. so i was very surprised when i got a happy new years text from him. that just proved to me that he does care and at least thought of me at the turn of the year. i know it kinda sounds cheesy but u guys always say that actions speak louder than words and he clearly showed me with that text that he does care. now this doesnt mean that i think that we'll end up in a relationship! im just sayin that if he does hurt me it wouldnt be on purpose (and he already told me that he wouldnt want me to get hurt) and that hes not an asshole. dont worry im still tryin to get over him and tryin to do NC for at least a week now (starting tomorrow because we were just talking) and im also still looking for other possibilities but it'll take a while (and "the talk") so that i will be able to fully move on

thank you ladies for your support!

petlover..if you believe that he cares and others have seen how much he does...then I want you to go with that. I just know my experience proved to me that the fwb guy didn't care...yes he would text me and had even invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner to meet his mom..but that didn't fall thru...last night I finally said my final goodbye to him thru email...and he didn't respond! I did ask him not to and I am glad that he didn't b/c it would have been harsh and hurtful. so now I see that he was happy to "rid" me too and he didn't have to be the bad guy! I wish you the best!

itspossible
this is my 3rd day on NC and its hard... not talking to him is hard but seeing that hes not talking to me is even harder. i was online on facebook today and he was online but i made myself not say hey, when i saw that an hour later he still hadnt talked to me i got really upset... i see what u mean with the guy not caring and only wanting one thing, its just that im sure hes a good guy but he doesnt care enough to let me know that its over? well what the hell!! im really mad at him but im even more mad at myself for still hoping and making excuses for him! ugh its just dumb! this other guy has been texting me for a while now and he always calls me babe and hun and beautiful and stuff like that and tells me he misses me and that he wants to see me, why cant my guy act like that? why cant he at least text me? or even talk to me on the internet? why cant he call me beautiful anymore(he used to do that) or tell me that he misses me? it's so frustrating!! im gonna go crazy soon, my feelings are goin up and down like a rollercoaster and its so confusing!
4 more days til one week of NC is over, i hope i'll come to some conclusions by this week and if not then i guess another week of NC is needed...

petlover...I am sorry you are going thru all of this...but I did too! I finally came to the conclusion a few months a go and finally said goodbye on new years eve to him and I haven't heard anything from him since then! PL...I am sorry to tell you that these guys are not ready for a committed relationship with us! They have gotten what they want and want to move on. When a man is not into you and see that you are online and doesn't reach out...then he is done in his mind (at least for right now)...but we don't have to accept this treatment from them! try as hard as you can to just let him go out of your mind and waiting for him to contact you...it might tomorrow, it might be next month or maybe never...but leave him alone FOR YOU!

OH MY!!! ok so today was day number 5 of NC and i was starting to be myself again! for the first time in a looooong time he wasnt the first thing on my mind when i woke up and i was proud of myself that i had made it this long without trying to contact him! well now here i am goin on msn not thinking that he would come online since he had only been on facebook the last couple of days and then .... bammm... he signs on!!! so i thought ok well no big deal i jut gotta try reall hard not to talk to him and i didnt!! until 5 min later... he says hey!! so i gave it 3 or 4 min to even say hey back... had to get myself under control frst so i wouldnt start crying "why didnt u contact me earlier??!!??" so i just simple said hey back... i kept the whole conversation short and sweet, didnt say much and since it was supper time i said "gotta go, bye" no "ttyl" and no "xox" because i didnt want him to think that i had been sitting around for the past few days waiting for him to talk to me again. now was this good? or was i being too cold and pushing him away? what do i do now??? please help!!!

NO petlover...you weren't cold...just didn't want to give your all just yet. You at least responded and didn't do the tit for tat thing or "punish" him by not saying anything! lets see how he reacts now!

yeah i didnt say anything about him not texting me or not talking to me lately becaus ei thought it would sound whiny and annoying... so now i have to wait and see again?