FINALLY met an amazing man and now I'm scared....what gives?
Mon Sep 14 2009 - 03:12 am
So I've hit the jackpot here, folks.
I have met the most amazing man. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks. He's good-looking, successful, building his own company, smart, funny, incredibly sweet, kind, thoughtful. Takes me out on dates and is extremely kind and attentive. Remembers everything I say (as opposed to me, Queen of the Crappy Memory). I feel very comfortable with him and we have a lot of fun together. We have tons of mutual interests and a lot to talk about. We have a lot of mutual friends, and they have good things to say about him. He's planning fun stuff for us to do together all the time, and is excited about the future. He told me several times he's "crazy about me," and this morning told me he "did not want to see anyone else but me" and asked me to be his girlfriend, which I accepted.
Things are moving along a little more rapidly than I am used to, and I'm happy about it. But at the same time, I feel apprehensive and kind of freaked out.
After a big breakup of a 4-year relationship a year and three months ago, I jumped right into the busy LA dating scene. I did the math and I would estimate I've been out with nearly 20-30 different guys and on nearly 100 dates (many of them 1st dates, but many of them also subsequent dates with the same guy).
The vast majority of these guys were total bums and dating has been tiring and arduous to say the least. I have become quite accustomed to being strung along and lied to, and feeling frustration, disappointment and pain. I was planning on just giving up for awhile to give myself a break. Then I met this new guy out of the blue and everything is different.
I've finally found the one guy in LA who isn't a douchebag. He adores me and compliments me endlessly. Yet now rather than rejoicing, I feel scared. He's what I've always wanted...and he's nuts about me...and I him...and I just feel kind of numb.
I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. Shouldn't I be overjoyed that I found this amazing guy I've been waiting for? Instead I just feel overwhelmed and hesitant, even though I'm nuts about him as well. It's almost like I'm not letting myself feel anything so as not to be disappointed if he ends up being an ax murderer.
I also think it might partly be a bit of a commitment-phobia that I have. I have realized that I have tended to go for guys that I know in my heart-of-hearts would be inappropriate partners, so I could have a built-in escape mechanism. And I'll be crazy about them, just lust after them like crazy, knowing full well that it won't end well. I ended two very long term relationships that I let go on too long--too long because I knew it wouldn't end in marriage. So I just kept dating them endlessly without pressing a more permanent commitment from them, knowing I wouldn't be with them forever. No forever = no fear.
Usually there's some huge red flag with most guys I start dating, where I know that it will never last. It leaves me free to lust after them--this "knowing it won't last." But there's no red flags with this guy. There's nothing to "fix." There's no reason why he and I would not be perfect together. The first thing I thought when I first started dating this guy was "I would be surprised if we are not married in a year." I can see all the stages of life with this guy...I can see us getting married and having kids and the whole nine yards...I never saw this with anyone before.
And I have what I can only describe as a panic attack when I think about it.
And it scares me to the point where I almost want to call him and tell him I can't be his girlfriend.
Which would be totally stupid because this guy's a total catch.
Does anyone else go through this? How can I stop sabotaging myself? I don't like feeling this way. I want to feel happy and celebratory rather than sad and anxious. Am I just so used to disappointment that I can't show gratitude when something good comes my way? I don't want to be some ungrateful brat. But that's just what I feel like. I know a lot of women (including myself in the past) would kill to meet a guy like I have now.
Advice please, on how to stop sabotaging myself!!
Mon Sep 14 2009 - 08:05 pm
#2
Hi TinyDancer2009,
oh wow, I'm really happy for you. You just cannot believe this is happening can you !! Well believe it sweet girl and you deserve it big time.
Do accept yourself with how you feel even if you feel numb like you say.
here's a site www.emofree.com ... about emotions and how to get to the bottom of what makes you feel uncomfortable, numb and anxious. (I remember reading something that goes like this... even though I feel numb I love and accept myself etc... and it help to get to the source of what makes you feel numb...)
This is a big thing for you, what you are living inside your heart. It is normal to have fears, so very normal to feel insecure.
If you have difficulties tapping into your emotions and sometimes it is difficult I encourage you to talk it over to a therapist that can help you to accept all this love.
I agree with the other post that for now it's best to work it out on your own... for the moment...
Hope this helps.
Yvonne.
Tue Sep 15 2009 - 01:12 am
#3
Thank you both for your support. I was fully expecting someone to be like, "Yeah, you are an ungrateful d-bag!!" Ha!! LOL. Although I've come across nothing but amazing people on here so I shouldn't think that. Glad to know someone else is going through the same thing. I'm starting to feel better about it now...it's all settling in.
I've checked out the EFT site and it's very interesting...going to see what the manual has to say.
Thanks, ladies!!!
Sun Sep 20 2009 - 03:53 pm
#4
Tiny,
I have related to what you are going through, it will pass..Learning why you do this is important, it sounds like you are on the right track for figuring that out. Change comes with knowledge and awareness..def the first place to start. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve happiness and a healthy relationship with a great guy! Don't project into the future (even if it is a bed of roses)lol!just take one day at a time and enjoy every moment you spend with him.
I am excited and happy for you!
Sun Sep 20 2009 - 04:16 pm
#5
Dear tinydancer2009,
I am so very very happy for you!!!
I will just echo what has been said before. It is totally normal to get scared. But remember, you deserve happiness, you deserve love.
I don't know how to say it better, so I will leave you with the Marianne Williamson's quote I really like:
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
Marianne Williamson. A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, section 3, pp 190-191.
Lots of love,
Wise_until_it_happened_to_me
Sun Sep 20 2009 - 04:37 pm
#6
Wise,
Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear that today!
Mon Sep 21 2009 - 12:49 pm
#7
Wise,
Thank you for that quote. I'm definitely going to take that to heart.
Tiny
Tue Sep 22 2009 - 02:34 am
#8
tinydancer, I understand and feel you. I think you will be fine and these are normal fears and realistic fears and makes you question what they're all about so you can grow from that insight.
yvonne...thanks for the link, I downloaded it and haven't looked yet, but plan to tomorrow. :)
Fri Oct 23 2009 - 05:26 am
#9
Hey Tinydancer2009, I am EXACTLY the same as you. I don't have time to reply properly to all of this now but I will do.
Fri Oct 23 2009 - 02:33 pm
#10
Tinydancer2009,
I came from a very tumultuous past marriage and when I met the guy I'm dating I felt like you described above....ecstatically happy but with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head nagging me that it would never last. It's been over two years and I'm still as happy as I was when it started!
I'll agree with the posters above...
Counseling works wonders for self exploration and snapping out all those insecurity wrinkles in your fresh "clean sheet" life. Can't say enough good things. I'll again recommend "Undefended Love" by Marlena S. Lyons (Author), Jett Psaris for clearly looking at the motivations behind your relationships. In addition to the self exploration insight, this book gives a very effective way of opening up and being vulnerable in a strong way that seems to work with my bf.
I also recommend stepping back and refocusing your scope. Live and enjoy this man one day at a time, in the moment, here and now. This will help quell your panic, but more important, it will give you a string of pearls....each experience with him deepens your trust just a little bit. After awhile you can look back at the string, collect all those bits of trust and more confidently look into the future a little more. Give him the chance to prove to you that there are really good guys out there AND that you deserve and are able to feel comfortable with one!
Best of luck. I don't think any one of us here would bash you for being ungrateful....so many of us have felt this way before. It's all part of the growing.
SZ
Fri Oct 23 2009 - 04:10 pm
#11
In my case it is about the fear of a broken heart...Go with the flo and keep realistic expectations for yourself, guard your heart, but not to the point of shutting this great guy out. :)
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 09:43 am
#12
It it so common by the sounds of it that there is the little voice inside that cries out with fear once in a 'relationship' with a good man. I met a wonderful man on line 6 weeks ago. I was going to just give myself a break from the dating scene but a friend prompted me to go meet this man and I am so glad I did. We have been together a lot and truly enjoy each other's company. We have all the same interests and share a similar lifestyle, both late 40's and empty nester's. He wants me to meet his daughter this weekend and my friends and my daughter also want to meet him.
He has been very sick with a virus this past week so we have talked on the phone everyday, but I have not seen him. Now I have that feeling in my stomach telling me that he doesn't want me anymore..that he is tire of me..you know, the insecurity that a good man won't want me because I am not good enough...I know that this is not true..I am a good catch, and a strong good woman, but that little girl in my head is nagging at me and telling me that this will end like all the others have....I like the advice to live in the moment but it is really hard to do...is there any way of training yourself to be able to do this? He has NO idea of my insecurities...I don't let him know..I just pretend that I'm cool when I'm not. I am in the stage of life where my body is changing too...I am going on 49 years of age..too old for this nonsense, but I sometimes wonder if it is my hormones taking over too...he has always followed through with plans and if he can't he calls and lets me know why. He too is a bit frightened, but told me just last Saturday that he feels lucky that he found me.
I guess the nurturer in me felt slighted too since when he was sick he didn't want me around at all..which I would be the same, but I wanted to help him...I have to stop this and if anyone has any suggestions it would be most helpful.
I sound like a drama queen but I am actually quite the opposite...just scared I guess.
Mon Dec 21 2009 - 05:50 pm
#13
My problem is to know whether my boyfriend is sincere with me or not. Our relationship is 11 months old, no sex because I'm a virgin. This is his first time being in relationship without sex and he been kindly waiting for it happen. And soon, we will do it. We talk about our future together, of how he will convert to my religion , marry me and the fairy tale. My problem is that he is my first boyfriend, and honestly think I take everything as the truth. I have this fear that he is in the relationship as a challenge. Once he get it, he will leave me. Plus our relationship is always 50/50, example if we going out for dinner, we'll pay the bills 50/50. We share our feelings, but I do more. I told that I love him, and he doesn't want to use the word without truly meaning it. So I feel like he has the upper hand in the relationship. In conclusion, I have this annoy feeling that I shouldn't give up without hearing him telling me that he love me or keep for marriage. What should I do? He is truly sincere to you, or is he waiting it for the moment he get it and leave. Help me ...First timer...Also we're both in university, in our early twenty and he always mention that he want to convert to my religion
Sat Jan 09 2010 - 08:34 am
#14
tinydancer, I also think what you are feeling is normal and I can relate to your past experiences. I don't think you're being ungrateful at all. It's scary to feel this way about someone, especially for the first time. How long have you known him? They do say that "when you know, you know" and that's hard to believe for those of us who have for years put up "safety barriers" by dating guys we knew in our hearts-of-hearts were NOT the ones, because we've created a pattern that we got accustomed to. I did the same thing, most recently with someone for 6.5 years, and I can only hope I learned my lesson and will not do the same thing again. So, I find inspiration in your story and hope you have the patience, strength and courage to believe that yes, it CAN be that good, and yes, you DO deserve it, and yes he DOES really feel this way. Have fun :) and keep us posted.
Mon Jan 11 2010 - 09:32 am
#15
.
Sun Jan 10 2010 - 02:05 pm
#16
Thanks, Jeu, for following up with me. Unfortunately things did not work out as the guy ended up being a 180 from what he made himself out to be, and I broke it off with him just before Thanksgiving. I can't really trust that "When you know, you know" feeling anymore, as I've had it several times and my instincts have always been off. I'm gonna have to go with the "Let the guy prove himself to you before you have ANY serious thoughts about him" theory from now on. Much more effective. ;)
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 10:32 am
#17
I'm truly sorry to hear that you broke it off. I read everything hear posted & it seems that eveything was going so great for you...Could you tell what actually happened with this guy & how he just turned everything around, what were the indications if you don't mind sharing? Thanks in advance
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 10:32 am
#18
I'm truly sorry to hear that you broke it off. I read everything hear posted & it seems that eveything was going so great for you...Could you tell what actually happened with this guy & how he just turned everything around, what were the indications if you don't mind sharing? Thanks in advance
Sun Jan 24 2010 - 06:03 pm
#19
Carolina,
I'm sorry, I didn't see your post sooner.
There were clues that he was a bit "off" if you will, like he would speak very badly about his ex, calling her "evil." Also, he drives an extraordinarily expensive BMW, but his apartment is a total craphole. In a not-so-nice area. He told me some things about his work that didn't add up. Over time, I could see holes in his stories. Then a mutual friend who knew him years ago stepped forward and told me that although my guy had changed a lot, he spent many many years partying very hard, drinking/drugs, with a porn addiction, and was so bad that his close friends wouldn't even invite him around anymore.
My guy told me later that he was a hard partier (but never mentioned the porn), and that his best friend died of a drug overdose and that's why he decided to change his life.
Other things started to materialize--when we were first dating, he made himself out to be spontaneous, and adventurous, and up for anything. However, over time, these neurotic fears started coming out---he wouldn't dress up for Halloween (despite buying a costume and agreeing to go to a costume party with me). He wouldn't go on rollercoasters (despite telling me he wanted to go to a theme park with me). He wouldn't talk to my friends when we were out; he completely ignored them and sat in the corner of whatever event we were at, yet still called himself very "social." It just kept getting weirder and weirder.
Finally I saw on his computer that he had found out old addresses of mine from years past, and had Google Mapped them. Like he did some kind of background check on me. I confronted him and he denied it vehemently, but come on, how else would he have gotten old addresses from another state???
So that was it, I broke it off. I'm taking a break from dating now. I'm afraid of becoming cynical and bitter. I already have developed total trust issues with men and I'm afraid if I keep dating as I have it will only escalate to the point where I won't find love at all.
Hi Tinydancer
You shouldn't be mad at yourself at all. I read your post and found myself relating to everything you said.
It's natural I think to second-guess yourself. If you've been hurt - or if you've been through the frustrating experiences of dating lots of 'duds', it's only natural that you will be cautious. When I finally met Mr Wonderful at first I found it really hard to sit back and relax; I would often ask myself 'Okay, so he appears to be a prince but what if he turns back into a frog?', or 'What if he's only using me?'...etc.
I think the key thing is to concentrate on just enjoying the relationship and keep your doubts to yourself. Or let me re-phrase that: in a close relationship being honest (within reason!) and expressing yourself is fine - but keep your insecurities to yourself. There is difference between sharing your thoughts occasionally and coming across as a 'drama queen' who either needs constant reassurance or who comes across as 'can't handle relationships'.
Keep saying to yourself 'I am happy and relaxed and I allow myself enjoy this relationship'...and go with the flow.