It's like the ebook says. Men have a problem with the C Word... "Commitment". And it's hardly surprising when they're reared amidst such macho, woman-denigrating b*llocks like, 'Don't lett'em tie ya down, son', expressions like 'ball and chain' and 'under the thumb', etc. They're so fearfully focussed on the scary concept of commitment (cohabitation/marriage) that they lose sight of YOU and simply how they feel about you and love having you as their bestest friend with shaggable bells on.

If you want an analogy then try this: let's hypothesise that a relationship for the woman meant that at the year mark she would have to give birth (without the prior 9-mth pregnancy) and suffer a straight 48-hr, highly painful labour with no pain relief (instant full-term pregnancy would suddenly occur, IOW). Growing up, you've heard reports from some women that it's hell on a stick; few have related the pain in a more balanced and pragmatic way or included the positive pluses like the joy of having the resultant baby. This means that moreover, you fear the event majorly. Now imagine how antsy *you'd* become at the 9th, 10th or 11th month as the event drew dangerously nearer to the point where the fear would be realised?

Can you see and feel it now?

Think about it, Its - it's probably no coincidence that this sudden change in your bf's behaviour followed fairly hot on the heels of HIM starting to think in terms of marriage, and verbalise that, is it? Something huge like that can be very appealing when it's a mere far-off idea but once it looms closer and more real, it's suddenly scary stuff.

...and unlike pregnancy that demands childbirth, there's nothing to push him OFF that diving board, no total lack of say and control foisted onto him - he has to walk to its edge and jump, willingly under his own steam.

He also knows you're angry with him right now, hence his cowardly contact attempts. But it's still maintenance at the end of the day and the truth is that whether he's re-evaluating your relationship/preparing to proceed to the next level or backing out of the relationship altogether (although that would beg the question of why he's continuing the contact when his geographical distance means he doesn't *have* to at all!), you staying schtum is the optimal way to deal with either of those ...in a win/win stylee.

As for time: How long is a piece of string? That boils down to how much patience you have.

Here we go again: this is the exact same situation you were in with Ego Boy. Can you do it this time?

You're going to have to find a way to tolerate this because you have no choice either way. Your only realm of control is you and your lifestyle.

It might not even *matter* in the longer run if you send an It's Over letter. That way, he at least STILL gets to go through the process of re-evaluation.

But since this is his first withdrawal, I think you'd be better off showing him how cool and in control you are and allowing him - a specimen from the Scaredus Caticus group - this vital and natural stage, without any interruption and interference. If you interrupt or completely stunt it with time-pressuring, etc., then it's likely it'll only have to be recommenced again at some point.

I just think that with any strategy you should start off cautious and work your way up the levels towards the more extreme action; it's the more logical strategy rather than overreacting in one hit. Because I think that's what you've been 'guilty' of in the past - overreacting... well before you've had time to garner all the available, crucial data.

I vote, Sit on your hands. I know it's horrible because I've been through it myself again only recently in my lifetime, with Simon, and it feels like the end of the world every time. But it doesn't HAVE to be horrible, not if you change your attitude and see this as potentially your last chance to lead a single life. Every cloud, and all that?

Remember that positive thinking and self-fulfilling prophesy work. Whatever you can convince yourself to believe *will* be the outcome of what's going down right now, will affect every single way in which you behave towards him from here on in, big and small - what you do, how you do it, how you sound, what you don't do, how you don't do, etc., etc., etc. It'll even show in your tone of voice and breathing pattern when he phones. That total behaviour itself will be transmitted subliminally and could, thereby, overall constitute Power Of Suggestion.

I think it's worth a shot, don't you? After all, men DO operate from ego fear, particularly in romantic relationships, and they seem to get more and more fearful by this age and stage, meaning - if you dump this one you might find yourself faced with the EXACT same scenario with the next bloke...and the next... and the next...

You need to be cool but friendly, act like you're bemused but mildly amused and 'just letting him get on with whatever it is he's doing, the strange boy'... because you? You haven't even got TIME OR SPACE to get upset over such prattiness. Unruffleable.

And that's the one thing you HAVEN'T tried yet. Isn't it? I think that's a big fat Yes ;-)

xoxo

xoxo

Why is it soothing, Darls? What's sore right now?

xoxo

I second post #343. Strange boy, I like that one. Why not view yourself as the sane one and him as the clueless strange one. Works for me.

- a specimen from the Scaredus Caticus group -
lol, that was very good!

(And p.s. no more cuckoo for anything, from now on it's frosted flakes - not literally I hope - because they're g-r-e-a-t! that would be tony the tiger :)