emotionally unavailable
Mon Oct 12 2009 - 04:45 pm
Hello:
I would like to start out by saying what a great supportive site this is. Over the past few days it has really kept me in check when I was thinking of really telling this man what I felt but I am keeping the nc going.
I met this man who I thought was wonderful in June. We had an immediate attraction to each other and started dating. We were seeing each other all of the time. On our first month anniversary he told me he loved me while presenting me with a dozen roses. He was always available, calling, coming over, taking me places etc. I would like to add I have an 11 year old son who he also stole his heart by paying attention to him, taking him to places and always there when he needed someone to talk to. After 3 months of all of this wonderful stuff one day he called to tell me he loved me and the next day he dissappeared. After 3 weeks he ran into me walking my dog and pulled over to talk to me. The conversation lasted about 30 mins. When I was ready to leave he asked if we could get together.We went out the end of the week. He and I talked and he said he loved me but got scared. We decided we wanted to try again. We saw each other most of that week. Friday came and when he called he said we would get together around 8 pm. Well guess what he decided to run away again with no explanation. I starting reading some literature online and I have come to believe this man is emotionally unavailable. It still doesn't stop the hurt and wondering why me. The point that really bothers me is that not only did he mess with my life but also my sons. I would like to call him and really tell him what I think but I think at this point I'm 9 days into it and what good could possibly come of it. Thanks for listening.
Mon Oct 12 2009 - 04:54 pm
Hi Lisat...I am sorry to hear about this guy! I have a 6 yr daughter and a guy getting close to her and then pulling away would hurt me more than him just hurting me!
If at all possible, just try to explain to your son that things didn't work out between you and this guy and that you all will move on without any regards to this guy!
I allowed my ex to meet my daughter after 3 months of us dating..but I wish hadn't. I have a rule now...if we are not exclusive and we both have met each others families, then you will not meet my daughter! Just a learned experience!
I believe this guy will try and come back into your life, but now you will need to decide if you are ready to take him back with him running TWICE WITHOUT EXPLANATION! If you do...be prepared for him to do it again to you!
Try and move on! I wish you the best!
Mon Oct 12 2009 - 06:23 pm
Most definitely 3rd time is NOT the charm. He is just too immature to love anyone at this point and it is too bad your son had to pay the price. If he comes back don't even give him the time of day. find someone stable. Good luck Sweetie
Mon Oct 12 2009 - 08:05 pm
thank you thetababe and itspossible. I too have now learned to not let anyone meet my son until I know for sure where this is going. My son keeps saying that he doesn't understand how two people who really were happy together could just end it. His father was a very loud verbal abuser to me so this was definitely a switch for him. I have told him that sometimes in life things happen and I will be okay. I don't think he would have the nerve to come back a third time but if he does I really am working on myself now and I don't think I would give him the time of day. I struggle sometimes with the nc but in the end I know it is for the best. Thanks again. This site is so helpful and filled with great women.
Mon Oct 12 2009 - 09:20 pm
Yes, it can be so disappointing when things start out so promising and then FFFTT
But hang in there. You have better things to do.
Mon Oct 12 2009 - 10:29 pm
you can do it lisat....I know all too well about the NC being hard but don't allow him to keep doing this to you! I am telling you...it will only get WORSE!
Thu Oct 15 2009 - 06:26 pm
Three months is usually about the time when the man realises this is actually a real relationship. Some men - if they're not emotionally available, can choose to bolt.
I'm sorry to say this man does sound like he is emotionally unavailable. And rather immature.
You on the other hand, sound wonderfully mature and a woman of real class!
Thu Oct 15 2009 - 07:00 pm
HI LISAT!!!!
Emotionally unavailable, eh?
You have a son but what is his background? Does he want children? Ever been married? All of these questions and his family dynamics are extremely important!
He keeps bolting and he keeps coming back. What's his deal?
I'm writing faster than I'm typing -or- maybe it's the other way around but...
Here's the thing... that we need to do for YOU. Not HIM. YOU.
It's not about the fact that he's "stringing you along" (on purpose)
It's not that he doesn't care for you (nope)
When this man says HE'S SCARED it's becasue he's scared!
That's what I think!
You are your son's mother. He has no responsibility. Your man needs to know this.
You already screwed up, GF. You ALLOWED your son to meet this man BUT that's in the past...
That's enough for tonight, hon.
Auds
xoxox
Sun Oct 18 2009 - 06:25 pm
Thank you Audrey. I know I screwed up but I promised myself I would never put my son in that situation again. To answer your question no he doesn't have kids and doesn't want them. I didn't want anymore kids and that was fine for me. No he hasn't been married. He is 41 and yes I now know that was a big red flag! I really wasn't looking for marriage myself so to me this was all good to me. None the less I learned a lesson which hopefully I will not repeat. It doesn't hurt any less though. I am on day 16 of no contact and I can tell you it's not easy. Everyday I think about calling or texting but I keep telling myself if he wanted to talk to me or cared enough about me he would call me. I'm looking forward to the day that I don't care anymore or even have the urge to call. The thing that really sucks is he just bought a house around the corner from me so it's alot harder for me to not want to go that way just to see if I see him. Like I said I'm struggling with my feelings but I have made a promise to myself to keep going and not make any kind of contact at all. I thank you girls for this wonderful site. I read through alot of them every night and it really helps to know that I'm not alone.
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 07:38 am
Lisat - waht about the polarity flip, when the pursuer backs off just as the pursuee responds, isnt this just one of the 5 stages of courtship? I dont think you screwed up and that was a mean thing for someone to say. Even Dr Phil's wife said she and he broke up and she called him when she knew he wasnt there and said to have him call her back, and when he did she had a gf answer and say she was out on adate (which wasnt true) and then she called him back the next day, and they got back together.
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 04:42 pm
What are the five stages of courtship? Please tell me so I don't do a header overboard
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies