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Do I sleep with him? Weigh in.

Mon Aug 24 2009 - 08:03 am

Nutshell: Introduced to a guy by a mutual trustworthy friend - guy lives 5 hours away and is trying to move back to my city, where he is from. After multiple emails and a few phone calls, we "connected," and he came to town and took me on a nice - awesome - date. MISTAKE: chemistry was intense for both of us, and I slept with him 1st date. I'm bummed I did because I REALLY like him and I am concerned that I may never "recover" and gain his respect. Plus, you know the drill - since I slept with him, my heart is hooked big time.

SECOND DATE: It was great, and I denied him sex. After that, he was in much closer contact with me - pursuing me much more than before. It's like denying him sex was "magic" for making him want me in a big way. It flipped the table a bit and put me more in "control" (yeah, I know control is an illusion). TWIST: NOW - HE JUST ASKED ME TO GO AWAY WITH HIM FOR LABOR DAY WEEKEND.

QUESTION: What do I do? Do I go? You KNOW he expects sex - duh. You know I WANT to. But will I cheapen myself? Will the tables flip back again, where there isn't as much contact from him because he conquered me? One reason I really WANT to go is that we can only see each other for a few hours every few WEEKS as things are now. If we go away for a weekend, though, we will finally really be able to get to know each other much better. Do I say, "no" to going away and try to hold a firm line about no sex? I know Paige says that once you give up the goods, a guy usually won't hold on TOO long without it...which makes me wonder if I should walk away from him anyway. Or do I go for it and know that I it will mean I will be hurt even that much more deeply if he goes cold (that's how I'm wired - if I give him myself for a weekend, I'll be toast for him).

I long to be valued, respected and treasured by a man...I lessened that possibility by giving him the candy store up front. Not sure what to do now. THOUGHTS????????????????????????????

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Chloe_Blue_Eyes

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Tue Aug 25 2009 - 06:46 pm

Hi there, I don't know that it matters if you sleep with him now because you already crossed that boundary. "Denying" him sex at this point is more like a power play, don't you think?

I don't know what this all means for an ltr but if you're not interested in one then it doesn't matter. All I know is that everything I've studied about this topic says that if you want an ltr with a man that you don't sleep with him on the first date - I've read this from men themselves.

There are also couples out there who do stay together long term who slept together right away but it's not the norm. It's also not the way to avoid drama, which is what you're in now with all of this.....I really like doing it the DWD way and while I'm not perfect (I've been getting into long phone convos instead of only 10 minutes) I'm not sleeping with a man until he asks me to date him exclusively. I cannot afford the worry, anxiety, the drama that that brings me. However maybe that's only how I am.

All the best to you with whatever you decide and enjoy your weekend with him!! :)

datedmaterial

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Tue Aug 25 2009 - 09:34 pm

Hi Chloe - you're a smart lady. Purposing to wait for sex is the smart way to go. I had not been on a date at all with a man since my marriage separation three years ago. It did not occur to me to prepare in my mind. I could not have imagined I would have ended up in bed with the guy. It was a surprising evening.

So wish I could go back and "do over," but I can't. What's done is done. Yes, it does create drama when I sleep with a man, since my heart gets hooked.

It may be that I have no chance for a LTR with this guy since I slept with him so soon. It must have completely confused him when I denied him on the second date. I do see what you mean that it would likely seem like a power play for me to do that - total yuck. It was me trying to protect myself and make a point with him that I don't go around doing that - but it's just too late for that.

I'll just go step by step and see how things unfold. I did agree to spend part of Labor Day weekend with him. I don't know yet if I am sleeping with him. I suppose if I don't know, then I likely will - because it will take strong resolve in ADVANCE to not sleep with him...it won't be an in-the-moment resolve.

In spite of the drama I feel in my emotions, I have not intiated contact, and I have done my best to keep things light and fun.

Day by day...

Thank you for weighing in on this, dear:)

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Wed Aug 26 2009 - 07:19 am

"Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)"

Very good point Chloe, couldn't agree more.

"It did not occur to me to prepare in my mind." Are you preparing your mind now for a possible negative outcome?

From where I sit he is a new man, a stranger, who is making you think and rethink your decision to sleep with him or not, but is he, does he possess power over you? Or is it simply a matter of you fearing the outcome of your decision, the outcome being him leaving and not wanting to start a relationship with you?

Red Flag: What man asks a woman to go on a trip with him after seeing/meeting him just twice? Has he done this before, is this is M.O.?
The decision for your life is yours, we are only offers suggestions, feedback and opinions, you will do what you feel is right for you.

If you're gonna do it, do it right...

Live for the moment have fun with him, enjoy who he is, his company, what he has to offer and do not think about the outcome just remember there will be an outcome, may not be the one you desire, but there will be one.

"Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)"

marmoty

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Thu Aug 27 2009 - 03:38 pm

Dear dated,

I've read through your posts and I think the text conversation was pretty telling. His tone, light and flirty, seems to suggest he's not in for something serious. Any hint of a different inclination (talk about what you're afraid of) seems only an affectation meant to increase the flirting vibe.

An expression that really raises my hackles is "I enjoy your company". To my ears, that sounds as commital as a bee talking to a flower. I like frolicking in your greenery. Some guys, of the older set, think it sounds sensitive and romantic, but I think it sounds like a euphemism for someone too genteel to say "I like making the beast with two backs with you."

The honest question is: What do you want? It's been 3 years since the ex. Do you want to frolic a bit and taste different "samples" or are you earnestly looking for something deeper?

If you chose A, let go and do the Labor Day thing. He's driving 5 hours- he likely expects some return on his investment.

datedmaterial

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Wed Sep 02 2009 - 08:28 am

Hi EboneeJones - thank you so much for your feedback. I let myself feel hooked by the guy, which dissolved my objectivity. I need hard-core truth. I suppose that what I learned is that I had better be careful about sleeping with a man, because it did get me hooked in with the emotions (in comes drama and working hard to not let it show - ugh). This situation has shown me that I am not really able to frolick in bed and walk off not caring about the outcome.

I appreciate you pointing out that I should see it as a red flag that he asked me to go away with him after only our second date. Yes, we have "known" each other for 2.5 months, but mostly chatting and emailing because of the distance...PLUS...most of our communications stay on the surface...I probably need to catch a clue about that being a red flag, too.

Thank you, girl!!!

datedmaterial

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Wed Sep 02 2009 - 08:36 am

Hi marmoty,

Thank you for a much needed reality check. I SOOOOO appreciate you taking the time to read our text exchange. It is so easy for me to choose to interpret things the way I want (versus how they really are) once I allow myself to feel hooked by a man - ugh.

While I WANT to frolic - for sure (:))...it has become evident that I cannot handle it because my emotions get engaged. Not good...internal drama then sets in. ugh. So, while the chemistry is UNBELIEVABLE with this guy and he is very hard to resist, I must be fully aware of the emotional risks for me if I have sex with him again.

Oh - he just moved last weekend. He is now 1.5 hours away instead of 5 hours away (moved back into a house he could not sell). He will commute to his work weekly and stay in hotels while he seeks a local job. He is interviewing locally and trying to move to the city where I am (not because of me). We discussed me coming down there - he has a pool and there is a hot air balloon festival going on...or going to the mountains. I told him I am fine keeping it simple at his place. So - I'm driving down there - 1.5 hours away. So, at least I don't have to worry about him seeking a reward for a 5 hours drive:)

I am amazed by how naive and gullible I can be in dating. This site has really been awesome to give me much needed "reality slaps in the face." Wow, naive, indeed. I can't believe I fall for the things I fall for with a man. Maybe it's because I crave it so much after being so love-starved and affection-starved...I can see how vulnerable I am; therefore, how much more careful I must be.

THANK YOU!!!

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Wed Sep 02 2009 - 09:33 pm

Dated,

Since you are going away with him, yes you have to be "careful" my question is why must you be careful? You either make a decision to sleep with him or not. I know you wil sleep with him, you know you will sleep with him, it doesn't matter really does it? Because you will do what you feel is right, si?

Either way your decision is based on being an adult

Wings

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Thu Sep 03 2009 - 12:16 pm

I think we have all been there and done that, most of us anyway. I have done it and the relationships lasted over a year, and the sex on the first date had nothing to do with the partings. You can take back some control. We used to joke about it in my last relationship, I asked him why did he persue a relationship with me after I gave it up so easily. His answer, because you are you and I really like you. Don't sweat it, just let what happens happen and be yourself.