Do I Have a Chance?
Sun Aug 23 2009 - 09:27 am
I have never posted on here before, but I haven't run into this situation before either.
I met a nice man through a dating site. He contacted me first and his initial email was very well written and genuine. We both have many of the same interests and one is cycling. He lives in my home town but I now live just an hour away...I know it's not far, but in today's society of being busy it seems like he's in a different country.
We met one day just 2 weeks ago...I had the day off and we went cycling for 2 hours and just talked the whole time. We stopped for a drink and that was another 2 hours. We decided to go for dinner and then back to my place where we continued to just talk until 2:30 in the morning. Since the drive was an hour and he was tired I offered for him to spend the night. We were experiencing a heat wave and I only have a fan...so he stayed in my room on my bed, but both fully clothed and no hanky panky. He was very respectful, but neither of us slept, we just continued to talk.
Fast forward to now...he came up again a week ago and stayed at my place for 2 nights (his kids were with grandparents). The talking did not stop but the physical part heated up. When he left, he told me he would see me soon...I was ecstatic. Not a half hour later he called me and was sobbing...he said he was terrified of how he felt so quickly...then he hung up.
Later that night I received an email telling me that he did not want to say goodbye, that he wants to stay in the picture, but he isn't sure he is ready to share his life yet since he has been alone for 3 years and his whole life has been his kids and his career (he's a teacher). He hasn't dated, nothing...so this was like a shock to his system. He told me he has fallen hard for me and is crazy about me..but confused. He hasn't told his son (13 yrs old) or his 19 yr old daughter he wants to start his own life now.
I told him I understood...that there is a lot for him to digest and that he needs to decide if he wants to remain alone or if he really does want someone. He 'thinks' he wants someone to share his life.
I told him that I would give him his space, but I honestly fell pretty hard for him too...we're both in our late 40's...so I'm no kid anymore.
This past Friday I came out of work..I work until mid evening and my car is the only one in the parking lot..there was a note on my windshield saying 'SORRY' and then I saw a guy on a motorcycle in the distance in the parking lot...it was him...he rode at that hour to see me and drop the note off...I got on his motorcycle, we went for coffee..he told me he was feeling better..and was thrilled to see me.
The next morning I received 2 lovely emails from him and a phone call. I had another date that night that I really wanted to cancel because I had a feeling he was going to call me and be there to see me. But I had made this committment way in advance and didn't feel right about not going..I will be telling guy #2 that there is no chance...I got home and there was a message from the one I am interested in..and just like I felt he had come to my city to see me but I wasn't there...he had met his sister in my city for dinner...she lives an hour east of me and he an hour west, so my city is right in the middle..he did this on purpose to see me, but wasn't sure how long his meal was going to be so didn't tell me what he was doing...I would have cancelled my other dinner had I known!!!
Today he emailed me asking what my day was going to consist of..I said I could come to his city for a coffee and then leave since I knew he was busy...he asked me not to since his son who was at the mother's home, is always looking for him and he hasn't told him about me yet...so he said he needs to do that before I come to his city so that his son will understand when 'dad' is not home. He asked me to have patience..that he has to deal with things on his end and that is feels he is juggling a lot right now..
Am I crazy to avoid dating other men and waiting for this man? I truly feel strongly for him...but I have been told to continue to meet and date other men...it doesn't feel right but I have kept my profile up...
Any suggestions after this long rant?
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 01:08 pm
#2
Something else i've noticed about dating websites, most guys stay away from chicks in their local area and tend to hit on long distance potential. I can only assume they don't like to play in their own back yard as it's too close to home and exposes their vulnerabily to being exposed for what they really are...players. Get it?
Distance keeps them safe from any type of real committment because the yard stick is always in the way. Hence you can never just pop in, say hi...you never get to check out his local haunts, friends etc....he's at a safe distance, just how he likes it.
After being burned, i set up several profiles, all my own pics etc but with different vibes, etc, the playgirl, girl next door, classy, etc....that in itself exposed most males on the site for who they were...all hammering each profile, not realising it was the same chick! One bloke even called me by the wrong name in one of his emails...i'd never heard of her! He was eagerly trying to set up a meeting, whilst passing through etc from interstate.....i was the love of his life within a couple of days according to him, he'd not met me, and yet he got my name wrong! Can only assume he had at least another dozen or more on the go.
Another mistake, who'm i made the big mistake of meeting in a careless way, bragged about how he was in the top one hundred in two age groups and that he had a lot of 19 yolds filling up his inbox....he was 50 and ugly like a bull dog. Nothing special, he obviously had to work hard hitting on profiles in order to get responses to keep him in the top hundred.
Play their game, meet as many as you like i say but keep it safe and wear your chastity belt. Do Not give them sex. That's all most of them want and unfortunately they see us ladies on internet dating sites as easy targets. They are still working on the extrication process after they've had their fill (getting out of it easy), in other words, they don't like to be accountable and just like to take, hit and run.
Respect who you are. They have to prove and validate their honesty, sincerity...to you by actions and words. Until they do that, they are squat, as inconsequential as they see you, so give them squat, nothing. They never consider our feelings, they are all about them, selfish and self serving. Take care. XXX
Whilst using dating sites, which i am beginning to have a negative opinion on based on the legitimacy or underlying motives of men generally, i only ever concentrated on one contact at a time as i didn't think it was fair to play off one against another.
Now i'm not so sure because i blindsided myself to other potentialy better suitors based only on their profile or initial contact. We can never really get a full picture of someone until we meet and get to know who they really are. So i may well have missed out on my mr right. Bear in mind, from what i'm learning, most males are not honest about their true contacts etc and i have validated this on more than one occasion.
MY best suggestion is, sure, date as many as you like etc...But do not under any circumstances have sex with them until the circle has whittled down to one. Even then, hold off until you've got a sure fire committment from the other party on being exclusive, by way of words and actions. In that you are 100% sure and secure that you are in fact in an actual full on relationship by his and more importantly YOUR standards. If his standards don't meet your expectations, then don't give him sex, and if you do, be wary of the risk involved regarding your heart, health, mind body and soul.
Now i need to follow through with my own advice, because against my better judgement because i'm having another go at the online dating again. I too am seeking the love of my life, the one, my soulmate, someone who'll return my love, better still, he who'll give me love and care first and foremost where i'll have no reason to doubt, in that i'm feeling secure and so is he.