SMURF...DNR in the medical field means "do not resuscitate", WTH is this thread about!?? lol

'Zactly, my dear Watson! It's going to be my story about my relationship w/ GBNF. It's a work in progress...but in composing it at the wee hours last nite, I rec'd much insight. Stay tuned. I'll post it w/in the next day or so. Need to chew on it a li'l first ;}

Should be a HOT one! Take your time Sherlock. ;) looking forward to the read.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON! IM SO IMPATIENT!

Awww, she's just trying to build us up to a climax! So to speak. :)

What is GBNF?

GoneButNotForgotten

First Date:

GBNF and I had met at a club down at the shore on a late Sunday evening the week proceeding Labor Day weekend over 6 years ago. I was in total goddess mode @ the time (or so I had thought). I was 41yrs old, fit as a fiddle and taking a break f/ the dating scene ( I had been meeting too many lotharios who unwittingly wanted to turn me into their therapist and bend my ear about their ex’s…needed to examine what it was about me that drew this behavior). I had a FWB at the time which I was fine with, but serendipitiously, he was readying to move to Cali the following week.

My BFF along w/ her two adult daughters walked into the club at a late hour when there weren’t many around. BFF and I proceeded to the bar and situated ourselves on corner realestate whilst daughters proceeded to get fun and funky putting on a dirty dance show w/ eachother…just out to have a good time.

GBNF’s friend was sitting catacorner f/ me at the bar and proceeded to chat me up casually (I noticed GBNF in the shadows behind me checking me out; turns out later he was trying to get a birdseye view of me sticks…I’m told I have great ones…later found out he was readying to leave and quickly decided to stay when he laid eyes on me making my entrance..).

After ice was broken, GBNF offered to buy me a drinkie, I said sure, “shot of tequila” I was feeling very “Working Girl” i.e. movie w/ Melanie Griffith where she and what’s his face meet and that’s what she had ordered. He proceeds to pull up next to me and we have lovely chat. Somewhere in the convo the topic of dating came up and I said I have one cardinal rule..NO BS!

We danced a bit and enjoyed eachother’s company. At closing time, he and his friend proceeded to walk BFF and myself home (daughters had long since had enough and gone on). We sat on the porch and spent another couple of hours keeping company. I gave his friend some REIKI to get rid of his headache and this seemed to intrigue GBNF.

At the end of the evening, we shared a lovely kiss and he acquired my phone number (somewhere in the convo, he said “don’t worry, I’ll call; to which I responded, “not worried, my take is if they call, they call, but if not, so be it. They’re loss”…that one threw him a li’l.

I was going to be at the shore f/ the week and he was heading f/ home. He called w/I three days to set up a date w/ me. He came to pick me up the following Saturday and took me out to a very nice local restaurant overlooking the water. When we reached the restaurant, he jumped out of the car when he parked, but I didn’t budge (I was waiting f/ him to come ‘round and open my door). We were seated outside and had a lovely dinner. At one point during dinner, I blurted out that I had eaten bugs, to which he replied, “would you prefer to sit under the bug zapper”…I proceeded to tell him that I had taken several survival courses….he took my comment as being cute and brushed it off as first date jitters.

After dinner, we headed for the boardwalk and it began to storm. I was undeterred. I love walking in the rain.. We held hands, walked and talked f/ well over an hour. At one point I got chilled so we headed to a late nite coffee shop (they had a comedian performing and wouldn’t serve us coffee during the “set”!)…I argued w/ the barrista…I didn’t want comedy; I wanted coffee!!! No coffee, so we left.

Although I was staying w/ friends, we drove to his father’s house afterwards to dry off and had a hot’n’heavy make out session…I felt vulnerable but couldn’t resist…he dropped me at my friends around 4 a.m.

We were sooo very into eachother…we both felt apprehensive and were cautious at first because of our situations, but we were obviously smitten!

The next evening I headed north to another friend’s shore place to finish up labor day weekend. He called me on Monday and we talked on phone f/ 3 hours. I felt like I had been starting w/ a cold or something at this point. Little did I know I’d end up in the hospital a few weeks later hooked up to IV’s and what not.

More later….

WTF?

are you kidding me?
Boy -this better be good.....

;-)

Just found out f/ my BFF that my mother told her that she has emphasema...she just found out last Friday...she didn't want to tell me and had my BFF promise that she wouldn't tell...she is worried about me right now because of what GBNF did!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's been acting strange and I was getting the feeling that something was going on w/ her...I also had the feeling that when she got back from Eire a few weeks ago that this will be her last trip across the pond...she's actually lost more weight and constantly "hacking up a lung" as I was calling it....I feel like I'm in the middle of a waking nightmare right now...it's a week before thanksgiving...I've always been the "rock" in my family...I'll have to break the news to my sister, my son and my neices at some point...I've been trying to compile a list of blessings to celebrate...now I know how precious whatever time I'm going to have left w/ her truly is...this is a sock in the heart!

Okay. I've caught my breathe.

Weird illness.

Early Fall. I was physically feeling like I had some kind of parasite. My energy was draining by the minute...I was turning gray and my hair was falling out in handfuls..this was no cold or virus...WTF! Passed it off as "blush of new love?!" NOT! Luckily, Mike and I had been in commando phone contact in the interim...no FTF...One Friday night, I had to end our convo quickly...I was having severe cramping w/ rolling nausea...as the night progressed, I couldn't even take a swallow of water w/o getting violently ill..pain coming in waves...my face/body would turn bright red...after a sleepless night spent in waves of agonizing pain, I drove myself to the ER around 5:30 am. I could no longer stand the pain and was exhausted. At the ER Nurse Ratchet proceeded to take my vitals and tryed to stick an evac tube down through my tender sinus..yeah rite! ( I later read in her report that I came in w/ a disheveled appearance...yeah..she'd look like miss americky if she just had the night i did!)...ended up being admitted and hooked up to IV and tummy pump tubes...yay! I languished in the hospital f/ around 7 days...I had lost 14lbs in 2wks and they couldn't come up w/ a good reason why...I was discharged after a week and sent home on heavy duty pain killers w/o diagnosis...blessedly GBNF hadn't called until the day of my discharge..I was praying he wouldn't call since he had just gone through losing a wife and here I was this chick with some mystery ailment! I didn't reveal my plight until I was safely out of the hospital..he rushed right up and was super concerned...I tried to make light of it...remember...I had lost 14 lbs in 2wks...looks scary on a woman who is 5'2 1/2" and under 130lbs to start ( I have an athletic build and I'm @ 13% bodyfat @ 130lbs...I look truly emaciated @ 114lbs! I still couldn't hold a swallow of water w/o pain....was in/out of ER 3x's more and finally gave up and went to another facility...long story short..was put on steriods after extensive testing (AIDES, CANCER, etc..) which finally remediated the situation...they tried to call it Crohns...and prescribed a life-long heavy duty anti-inflammatory drug...NOT...I believe that it was some type of nasty toxin that I had ingested when i had gotten a good swallow of ocean water on the weekend when they had closed the water to swimmers 2 beaches south of where I had been due to high bacterial count...beach where I was had not been closed to swimming....greedy b'stards! Gastro-entero is akin to dermatology...very nondescript diagnosis...2 antiflatulents f/ all!!! ie 2 creams f/ every integumentary ailment! If you want to be a successful diagnostician,choose to be a dermatologist or a gastroenteroligist...
the skin and the gut are very evasive organs ( yet scarily similar...hmmmmm.) Prone to allergies and all manner of nasty whatnot!

Anyhoo...Damsel in distress?!

SMURF!!! First of all I am so sorry about your mom and I hope they caught it soon enough...I have a dear friend who was diagnosed about twenty years a go and she takes inhalers PRN and lives a very full and normal life. I hope that is the case with your mom. You went through some kind of hell and wouldn't ya know, ocean water! So glad you got through all of that... it sounds horrific! Where is GBNF in your life today or is it a NC thing? Take care of yourself. :)

Stabilized!

I was able to return to work after approx 2 mos. of in/out and looked skeletal....the old cows had developed some fantastical juicy rumors around me poor arse...aides, anorexia, etc....supportive gems the lot of them!

Early November...GBNF had planned a romantic getaway in OuterBanks, NC f/ us...Wow! talk about magical! we drove the 8 hours down and upon our arrival (it's about a 20 mile stretch f/ mainland to OBX as our Robin could probably attest to..) we saw a rainbow; sited a whale and 3 dolphin 'fore we even reached the beach! Truly surreal; I kid you not! It was a magical week all around...we were like 2 hedonists in paradise...the food, the sex, the ambiance...OMG! Our first day down there, we pulled up on one of the fishing beaches...an old salty sailor had just caught a "blowtoad" aka a blowfish...I thought it was soo cool! I wanted one! Never caught one during the trip, but GBNF stopped @ a local camp store when we were enroute home and bought me a fine taxi-dermed specimen of one...I still have 'er hanging in my office today...affectionately named her Mrs. Puff (bitten f/ the SpongeBob toon)...she's decorated w/ Harry Potter specs n' the matronly specs chain; specially purchased fly hooks that serve as 'stylin earrings...hot pink barbie shoes, etc...a broken PallMall ciggie hangs f/ her maw...she's truly my alter ego...she even has one of those "sticky brains" ensconced upon her head (a gift f/ a former student) she still remains a work in progress, much as myself...she stops people in their tracks to this day! I'll have to upload a pic...I really need to stop f/ now...this is making me fall in love w/ him all over again...wtf!

NC Day 21...

LOL!! That is some Blowfish!! I hope things work out for you, I truly do. You seem like such a neat person...

Oh Dearest Lawd, pluleazzz do not let me goest to the phuchin 7-ll or nearest 24hr store to score me smokes!!! they hiss unto me vulnerable subconscious to come hitherunto! WTF! I think I'd be better off shooting up! 'kay; kay...f now I'll just shoot a couple of 'quila shotz!!!!!!! demz and a good shiraz! Aha! Shiraz yew ah! (Pink Floyd Dark Side o'da Moon)
Smerk's version 2009

0

..goin'where the angels fear to tread! Y'all don't want to follow me down my stream of conscioousness trail...scary, dark, ruff road! Lol!

Led Zep: Dazed and Confused;

Smerk: Twisted and Abused:

Throw it up against thy wall and see-ith what sticketh...

We are all saentient or incoherent beings depending pon which side of the dotted line ye fall upon:
-UPPER CASE
-lower case

-Cursive;
-Fine print...
Ruff Draught;

in the end the supreme bein' reads us all as 'dis...

"only kindness matters...."

be gentle; be kind...don't begrudge!

Come as the silly li'l simple/simplistic child w/in thy soul...cast off all airs; false sense of self...come as the wholly silly innocence that the lord sooo enjoys! Just be!

Be Present in Thy Sentient Innocence! Phuck thy Why! Just Be!!!

God/Goddess loves usx best when we just are...dance! Laugh! BE! Blessed Blissfuking Fully Be!

Love!
tis all that matters in the end! Phuck all the pretense! Judge ye not lest ye be judged (and I f/ one am one twisted mo fo f'cked up soul...so I have no room what'sever to judge! So I choodse to come f/a place of love! ('kay...now you know why I attract 'sensitive 'ponytail guys...alllthough me canst stand 'em....! I digress).

Re-channellin' me inner Annie Lennox goddess...I NEED A MAN!...don' comb da' hair...pant pant huff huff...drool droool...

Oracles vs The Three Stooges...who posesses the greater wisdom?

yup...it all shakes out about the same in the end..big frickin' cosmic joke! only 'er 'heir dresser knows 'of sure!

...swang lo! Swee Chariot! momma gonna carry me home!

OMg!!! I really need to go out and get my dance on! I have all of this physi9cal pent oup nrg that needs to escape! My dog is going to leave a young 'svelte corpse 'lest I go out and get my groove on soon! LOL!

...She now looks @ me w/ angst I have walked the poor arse off 'of the poor beast! LOL!

Smurf...are you related to Audsie??? LMAO here!!!!

JC..Jc...I soooo love that phuckikin man..WTF...is he blind! I kno he's scared shiet! I kno I'm scary that way..ina richard scary, shel silverstein where the sidewalk ends kind of way scary...can't this man find his big boy pantz?! 'shall I give 'em a clue?! WTF!!~!

'im brakz me hart!!!!

"im brakz it agin!

"I'm 'sposed to switch gearz! I am stooooopid! I love the big dummee!
WTF! He's me soul...yes; I am an intelligent indeependent sort...but be still me heart! I phuckin' love the man! noh0ldsbarred! hartzonsleeve...I love 'im! I always have...I always will...'nuff said..no nary no tary...I love 'is simple arse! Is that such a curse?!

Lefty (SM_SoulMate) help me pull back on da' choke!

*(((; if'in you want to kn0w where I be hangin'''well here I be!

check out:

SMERK

ja; right!

so not sent, yet so revealin/revelin' to GBNF ;}

Auds is me upper-class jah mahn Cavalriciousness!!!! She is me soul sista! me mentor and me solice :)

Herself has gone where me angels (and angles) fear to tread! And I love her immensely for it, yo!

smerk

Auds..
Oh crap WTF momentito...(your bad self being a NY native...and a smoker..you def can relate...)

I want a ciggie...go buy a pack (nah...don't want to pay 6+bucks to satisfy one li'l nic fit...OR...go acost bum on corner in major metro (PHILLY) public trans area f/ a ciggie....(OMFG>>>now there's a switchy, ain't it..) Everyone has something to offer...JC ...I am so frickin' warped!

Never yea mind...Tequila Nirvana is settin' in...ahhhhhhnh!

Smerk.....
You still with us???
Have we lost you????
Bueller?..........

Here I be, DNut!

Damn...
Missed you again...
I'm still waiting for your story...

;-)

Jazus! I did have half a bag on last night, dint I?! LOL!

Backtracking my GBNF story; I skipped our October getaway weekend...we went back to our firstdate restaurant; danced next to our table (this was not a dancing venue) and upon returning to shorehouse, danced in kitchen to Kenny Chesney's greatest hits ( I swear we fell in love while listening to this CD.

We've had many wonderful adventures and moments..some not so nice times, yet we had always been committed to eachother and weathered many a storm together...

In some ways this is turning out to be a very confusing and trying time for me; I wonder if the relationship is truly and permanently over or will it re-manifest.

In other ways, this time apart has proven to be very enlightening and eye opening f/ me...I'm re-investing in myself and enjoying re-connecting w/ myself and expanding my own consciousness.

I keep getting strong messages to re-connect through nature, so I've been spending a great deal of time outdoors.

Part of me wants to say to heck with it and contact GBNF...but we are only on day 21; I'm leaving it in God's hands and know an intermediary is working behind the scenes on this one...I miss discussing things w/ him...we were always eachother's sounding board.. I can discuss w/ my friends, but just not the same.

I believe we both needed a sorting out period.

I woke up in ...sweat and tears this morning...loudly sobbing w/ tears streaming down my face (I had to pull in my choke because I didn't want to startle my mother, although I don't know how she couldn't have heard me).

I was thinking/dreaming about watching the woman who gave me life suffering; dying of suffocation. I've known a few people w/ emphysema; one was my ex's brother-in-law who wound up blowing his brains out w/ a shotgun in the middle of his living room because he couldn't take the suffering anymore. He had been in an advanced stage f/ some time...

I know me mum may be fine f/ a long time, but she has other health issues that can exacerbate the condition; she has Sjögren's syndrome, a chronic autoimmune disease in which a person’s white blood cells attack their moisture-producing glands.

I'm very fortunate in that I have a special bond w/ my mother...not only is she truly goddess, but she has always been my touchstone; a friend who I can tell anything w/o fear of judgement.

They don't call this season the FALL f/ nothin!

September '09 - had extensive surgery on my beloved dog of 11 years f/ cancer (seems to have gotten it all..no gaurantees...type of cancer that can come back).

I am grateful f/ every moment I get to spend w/ my beloved Tobie...we walk so much these days that we're both becoming cardiovascularly superior!

October '09- my relationship of 6 years ends abruptly. I am grateful for having loved so openly and so well regardless of what the future holds.

November '09- I just discover that my mother has emphysema. Don't know at this point how far advanced it is or what prognosis is...I am grateful for having her in my life and will be sure to appreciate every moment I have with her.

December '09- That beautiful beast that keeps leaving those large piles of dung @ my doorstep will be waiting next to my Christmas tree come Christmas morning....

With Thanksgiving coming this Thursday, I'm actively compiling a list of things to be grateful for, starting w/ the very breathe in my lungs :)

I'm going to head out f/ yet another walk w/ my Tobes. I had some amazing manifestations today...early this afternoon a beautiful hawk sat on the end of my fence for an inordinately long time...highly unusual to see a hawk sit at such a low level for a long period of time like that. It was only about 20 feet away f/ me at the end of my yard...

On my dusk walk I was surrounded by white tail deer...they didn't startle...just loped around me. I saw at least 50 in all- mostly does , w/ around 7 bucks...the sunset sky was incredible! deep pinks and bright oranges! Unseasonably beautiful weather f/ NorthEastern US this time of year!

Last night I saw a shooting star!

I hope you and Tobes are having a beautiful walk.
I am so sorry about your mom.

It is some kind of fate that you happen to live with her at the present, don't you think?

I envy the way you see the cup half full.
The way you are able to find and focus on something positive in your difficult situations.

Do you mind if I steal your idea? I think I would benefit from listing my dung piles and then pointing out what I am grateful for in that dung.

Maybe I'll even share my 'dung list' if you'd like? We could start a thread even...."Thanksgiving Dung List"

xoxoxo
'Nuts'

For now, I'm on "Dutch Oven Time" ('ave you ever had a Dutch Oven, guvner?).

I don't think my definition of "dutch oven" is the same as yours.
s'plain to me pleeezzz!!

Love the idea! Remember, things grow best that have a generous amount of fertilizer as a growing medium! LOL! Be back in a few.

I'd love to hear your dung list!

It just occurred to me that GBNF and I never had breakup sex! I feel sooo violated! LOL...better go burn off some pent up...curious to see your dungy!

BRB ;}

SMERKS, I JUST READ YOUR INCREDIBLE STORY ON MY truly CRAPPY 'PUTER.
That is poignant.
Can't say much more just yet... Holidays are so difficult:(

Auds
xoxox

Dutch Oven is when you pass gas in bed and pull covers over bedmate's head ;}

SMURF...sounds like the beautiful scene you just described is a sign of better and more beautiful things to come.

Good Morning Smerk,
Well.....I guess Dutch Oven IS the same for both of us!!!

I am going to start working on my dung pile ....
did you start a thread last night while I was snoozin'???

No thread. I was facebookin' and going over my DWD book. I've been working on that one incrementily.

Here's my Dutch Oven story (embarassingly, used to be one of GBNF's fave's to tell in mixed company)

One Fall Saturday morning, I woke up in GB's bed and asked had he ever had a Dutch Oven, he said "no, what's that" (hehe...game on me thoughts). I proceeded to tell him it was something very sensuous and that he'd love it! Asked if he could have one right there and then..."No, I teased, "I'm not ready"...I kept the anticipation going w/ him all that day (we were out doing yard work and what not). He'd ask me at random, "are you ready yet" to which I'd reply in a sultry voice, "no, not yet sweetheart, patience, patience.." He was so excited and charged about the whole affair that I started to feel a twinge of guilt (and also had to go off a few times and have a good laugh to me bad self). We had a lovely dinner; he was EXTRA attentive, hehe!
That night he was like kid in candy store and couldn't wait...it took a little time but I was finally ready to accomodate...of course he was shocked, surprised when I finally did, but we laughed so hard he wasn't angry...I had really gotten one over on him....of course I made up f/ it in other ways...did not disappoint!

Goofy, fun story.

So now I am "Dutch Oven Time"...wondering if he will call (he had indicated several times prior to no contact that he wanted to talk, just "not yet")

My "not yet" = Dutch Oven Time. I'm detaching f/it all as best I can and trying to focus on me, what is, not what might be. Getting better at it by the day.

How are you doing w/ your no contact trials/tribs...I'm here if you need support (If you'd like, send me an email and I'll send you my phone# if you need a "NC" sponsor.)

smerk ;}

Smerk,
That is so kind of you to offer.....it made me cry.

I am beyond NC phase. NC implies that there is still some sort of relationship. If there is none, then the term "NC" is redundant and pointless, IMO.

I am struggling with my unemployment. The holidays are always very difficult for me. I am alone for the majority of them.

I won't say I don't think of him, or that my heart doesn't hurt terribly when I think he is permanently gone from my life. But NC is not an issue.

I need to get out of my depression. I have never been so bad. When I left my hubby with 3 babies, no job, no home, no support, I felt stronger and more hopeful than I do right now. I can't continue to be this way.....

Can I steal your "dung pile" to start thread? You are the inspiration, ya know!!!
Gotta give you credit for it!

Where are you Smerk?

xoxo
'Nuts"

Nutz! Glad to see you back...you were offline f/ a minute there...

I would be honored if you used my dung pile! LOL!

Phone#: all the more reason to call if you need me. I'm going to check out your 'contact tab' and send it to you. (it'll probably wind up in your spam or junk mail...so check that when you get a chance)

I'm here. day or night I'm here. I'm perimenopausal so sleep is very intermittent thing f/ me...catch winkies when I can...not very regimented in that area...so again...on call 24/7 ...seriously! Call if you need to!

Thank you.
I meant where are you "in the world"????

LOL! sorry. I'm in NorthEast US. SouthEastern PA as a matter of fact; about 40mins north of metro philadelphia. I'm a hop/skip f/ NY and Washington; close to shore and mts...not far f/ I-95 corridor.

and where in the world are you from?

OMG!
We are neighbors!
OHIO!!!
I thought you were "across the pond". Don't know why.

I am also getting an Irish vibe. Yes? No?

(I started thread in DWD friends catching up)

I flew into PA when I visited Audrey. Sip drove from Ohio to meet us in Atlantic City. We all are not very far away really, I am in SC. Audrey is in NY, Buits is in NC.

Sip is Ohio?
Damn! I could have come!
hehe!

Cool! You probably thought I was f/ across the pond f/ the flavor my "literary" tone takes on at times.

I'm sooo Irish I pee green! I'm the next step up f/ albino as far as my skintone goes. LOL

We're all so close we could spit on eachother! tooie, tooie, tooie...did any land on ya?! lol ;}

DNR also means Do Not Reply LOL :)

Smerk,
You crack me up!
"tooie"
Yes...it landed on me. Right in the eye.

I knew you were Irish! Me too! 100%