Did I do this right?
Sun Dec 13 2009 - 04:32 am
So first interesting first date in awhile. Met the guy online, emailed a few times, talked on the phone twice before meeting for lunch today. Everything clicked...he seems like a really quality person--sweet, kind, funny, we had great conversation, laughed a lot, he had a lot of questions that he asked about me.
The bill came (I hate this part), and we were mid-conversation. He grabbed it, and put his credit card in the folder. I didn't offer to pay, because whenever I have offered to pay on the first date I am met with disdain by the guy, and I didn't want to offend him, but I never really know what to do in those situations. I did thank him very much and told him it was sweet to take me out to lunch. At the end of lunch, he asked me what dates I'll be out of town for the holidays, and then he said, "We should do this again when you get back into town" (I'm going out of town for Christmas and New Years both). I said, "We should!" And then there was silence, I felt a little uncomfortable and he looked at me like he was waiting for more of an answer but I didn't have anything else to say--I was agreeing with him, we should see each other again!
He then suggested we head out of the restaurant and to this bakery next door that I had mentioned I liked. We went in there, and I bought my favorite thing there, and said if he wanted anything it would be "my treat." He politely declined saying he was super full from our huge lunch. We sat and talked and laughed for about another half an hour. He (unfortunately) got the chance to end the date first...with "Are we ready to head out?" It was pouring rain and I had to go to work, which we both knew. I said, "Well, this was really fun" and he said, "Yeah, it was, fantastic, actually" and we walked outside. It was raining and I was opening my umbrella and he said again, "We should do this again once you're back in town. I'm out of town next week visiting friends, but when you get back we should do this again." I said "Yeah, we totally should, that'd be fun." He said, "Okay, well, I'll see you then when you get back in town. I'll probably call you before that just to check in." And I said "Great! See you soon!" and we parted ways.
So it seems great...but it sucks because I really kind of like him and now I won't be able to see him for another 3 weeks...kind of puts a damper in building any momentum. Also, I felt like maybe I should have made it more clear that I am interested in seeing him again--he didn't seem like he was getting that message. Ugh--I'm not good at this stuff.
I know I can't contact him first after the date. But being left with "I'll probably call you sometime in the next 3 weeks" isn't much to go by...and I've been given dates and times by guys sometimes, saying they would call again and then they didn't follow through.
Was it okay that I didn't offer to pay? And it's such a hard line to walk, seeming interested without being too interested...what do you ladies think? He seems like a pretty honest guy and he's followed through on every phone call he's said he would make thus far. So I guess I should just trust that he's gonna do what he said he'd do, and if not, well, I don't know...it would stink because he's the first good-looking, educated, non-selfish person I've met in quite some time.
Now I'm doing what I always scold others for doing--over-analyzing a date! Ugh!
Sun Dec 13 2009 - 06:39 am
Wow, tinydancer2009, I am so pleased to hear about your good date! Sounds pretty promising!
You address three issues: paying, odd moment when date starts to end and keeping up the momentum between dates. I will just share my thoughts on these.
1) Paying. I never used to pay on first date, to be honest, I don't think I even offered, but after one rather weird man sent me an e-mail after my date with him listing the things I had done wrong (he was very bizarre, but always appreciate the feedback from which you can learn, some of the things he said were really off, e.g. he said I did not look into his eyes, well it was very difficult as his eyes were permanently glued to my chest, LOL). Anyway, I now when the fumbling for the wallet starts, ask in a very matter of fact manner 'Do you want me to contribute?' Usually the man says no and if we then go for a little drink afterwards, I will offer to pay for that in a slightly more proactive manner.
2) End of the date when you both have said it was nice, let's do it again. I just look right into his eyes warmly and confidently and just smile, so there is this pleasantly awkward moment of just smiling at each other. It tends to say more than words, you come across warm, open and confident and it works better than reassuring him with words.
3) Keeping up the momentum between dates. Hopefully he will contact you by e-mail (or other means) and you just continue being warm, open and confident in your responses and he is likely to miss you and want to meet up with you even more.
I am very excited for you. Please keep us posted, tiny!!!
Sun Dec 13 2009 - 06:49 am
Oh and umbrella, always make good use of an umbrella on a date :). It gives a man a chance to be 'protective', it provides an opportunity for physical closeness in a non-sexual way. Umbrella is every dater's best friend when used wisely ;). And I should know, I live in Manchester, the rain capital of England, LOL.
Sun Dec 13 2009 - 02:26 pm
Thanks for the advice, Wise :). When there were those awkward moments about seeing each other again, I did look right into his eyes and smile, but he looked a little uncomfortable/nervous so I cut it short. I don't know if that meant he didn't mean what he was saying, or if he was just nervous. It's hard to tell.
He seems like a pretty honest guy. He's a scientist, analytical, technical, but funny, which is nice. I don't get the feeling from him that he'd keep telling me what I want to hear if he had no intention of seeing me again. I've been wrong before, but this guy hasn't given me any reason to doubt so far.
And I think the umbrella backfired on me...I was opening it as we were saying goodbye so I didn't get rained on, since my hands were occupied, he gave me a handshake at the end of the date rather thana hug...that's a first!!
The paying thing is always tough...when I have offered to pay, I usually make a joke out of it and say "What's the damage?" when he's looking at the check. Usually he'll just put his credit card in the folder right away and put it aside. After the last couple of times that I got practically chewed out for offering to pay, I've been offering to pay for the drink or dessert or whatever afterwards rather than the actual meal.
Our original plan for the date was to go hiking, which I SO prefer to having a meal. That way no one's paying for anything, we're up and about rather than crammed behind a table, and you get to see how the guy is when he's in his element (if he's outdoorsy), and how he is in public. People can be however they want to appear when it's just the two of you, but you can really see how someone is when they're out in a public place, in my opinion.
But it was pouring rain all day so we ended up having to go out to lunch...blah. But I still had fun!
Although he is good looking, he's very technical/scientific so I doubt he's got much "game" when it comes to wooing women, which is actually fine with me...I've been played enough. So I don't know if his slight uncomfortable-ness and handshake at the end of the date was out of nervousness or disinterest.
Ugh! I guess all I can do right now is go on being busy and living my life, and if he contacts me again, great, if not...I'll live.
Thanks, Wise!
Sun Dec 13 2009 - 05:10 pm
TD, I enjoyed reading your story, actually felt as if I were there, hugs, good going gurl.
Ohh ohh, handshake is good, respecting your boundaries and showing he is respectful of himself, thus far.
Now, mission is to concentrate on vacation, do not set yourself up, just have a blast, with fingers crossed behind your back. Who knows maybe the start of 2010 will start with a bang in the love department.
Please keep us posted.
Wise,
I like what you wrote, "you just continue being warm, open and confident in your responses" I need something like a little bell to remind me on occasion.
Sun Dec 13 2009 - 06:38 pm
Tinydancer, to me everything sounds good! I think you gave him plenty of encouragement that you want to see him again, so I don't think you need to worry about that. If he's interested (which it sounds to me like he was!), I think you'll be hearing from him within a few days. There's always that bit of awkwardness on a first date, but I think it's good when a guy is just a little bit awkward -- it shows he's not a smooth operator or a player.
The paying thing can definitely be weird. I offer and usually they decline the offer, but one time I offered and the guy let me pay half (in a not very gentlemanly way).
Mon Dec 14 2009 - 06:54 pm
I hate the paying thing too. I feel I should contribute, but often they say no. I didn't know you loved hiking too - they really are my favourite dates and so much less complicated.
Shame the holidays are interrupting this getting-to-know you phase, but it is probably best to wait and see what happens when they are over, sounds very promising!
Mon Dec 14 2009 - 09:47 pm
Yeah, this seems to happen a lot with me actually--I tend to meet a guy just as I'm about to leave on a vacation, or he has to go out of town on an extended trip. In the past, it hasn't really boded too well, but he did seem very interested so I guess I will just have faith in that. I can't control whether or not he calls.
I have not heard from him yet, but I have a feeling that I probably won't hear from him until about halfway through the 3 weeks that we'll both be out of town. He said he'd call to "check in" sometime before 3 weeks was up, probably so we don't forget about each other! So we'll see if he actually follows through. Just like Paige says in the book, "I'll call you" can actually mean "I'll call you" or "I have no intention of calling you but saying I will sounds like a good way to end this date without hurting your feelings." LOL
Yes, the paying thing is always the most awkward part--I am working at getting better at sitting back and receiving and letting a gentleman be a gentleman, but it is hard as I feel guilty about him paying and I am so used to doing everything myself that I have trouble being "taken care of."
Thanks for the encouragement, ladies! I'll keep you up to date.
Mon Dec 14 2009 - 09:57 pm
Hmmm...interesting...I've logged in the dating site a couple of times now and he's been on several times since our date...and even today at 4:30 this morning (?) and now he's online now. I haven't heard from him but obviously he's perusing the site quite a bit. Hopes down but whatevers...
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies