Did I blow it?? Or just feel like I did?
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 09:51 pm
OMG - where to start?
I have been dating this amazing guy the last 2 months, and its been a whirlwind. Before meeting him I finally got my act together, took several years after my divorce. Realized how much of myself got lost in my marriage, and how dead-end my last few relationships have been (including a 3 yr FWB).
On to NG (new guy). Its a LDR - we live almost 300 miles apart. He does live near my BFF, so that is convenient. We have seen each other almost every other weekend since we met (I have had a lot of business where he lives). He even came to visit me this past weekend. The sex is awesome (yes, I know, probably slept with him way too early). He complimented me that many people can make love to a body, but I make love to his mind. WOW!!
Well, things look very promising. This past weekend he shared lots: he's enamoured with me, he thinks Im gorgeous, he thinks Im special, and he thinks I am "The One." He even asked me if that scared me, and I said no. Plus he is taking me to Hawaii in February for 10 days. I think he even used the "L" word twice (I didnt respond, kind of took me by surprise).
I have been trying to play it cool, still casually seeing other men (even though I dont want to), holding back until he commits (instead of my standard jumping in with both feet and without looking). I hardly even initiate calls to him, but do email occassionally. He isnt much on email (ony has a computer at work right now).
So, last night he called (I've been getting daily phone calls the last week or so). I want to go visit him next weekend (I have kids with me this weekend) and he was going to check his schedule. I think I pressed to hard. When he asked I admitted that this visit I was coming just to be with him (as oppossed to all previous ones). Then he seemed to pause. Well, I am really fading here, cant think right now. I have so much to take care of. I need to finalize Hawaii plans, pick a new health plan at work, figure out family plans with the holidays. I backed off, told him that was fine, sweet dreams, we will talk about it later.
I dont know why I have this feeling I pushed too hard. Probably just conditioning from past relationships. Is there any reason why I should feel like this? I just had this realization after the call that I might have been too clingy. All I thought I was doing was getting clarification to make plans and not wait to the last minute.
My plan is to just let him make the next move -- when he is ready he will call. I am not going to force myself on him. I want to believe that it meant nothing last night except that he was truly overwhelmed. And that with everything hes said recently one little faux paux wont jinx it. But, if it would/did, I would much rather know now than later.
I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? BTW -- we met on an online dating site. His profile is still up, but so is mine. This one doesnt show when you signed on last, so dont know if he is "active" or not.
Thanks in advance,
Barb
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 10:00 pm
I'm just confused a bit on the "I admitted that I was just coming to be with him" part--did you normally go to his city for business and not to visit him? I don't see why he would be put off by your wanting to come visit him if you're going to Hawaii for 10 days together in February.
How often do you see each other?
If he sounded overwhelmed, it is probably best for you to back off for a bit and let him initiate the next communication. If he doesn't invite you over next weekend, if I were you I wouldn't invite yourself...wait for him to do it. Things are still new and you don't want to give him the impression that "things are moving too fast" and now you're going to be over every single weekend.
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 10:44 pm
Thanks for the response.
I've been going up there to see other friends and for personal business -- I took a seminar one weekend and there have been follow-up meetings afterwards. I spend a lot of time in his city anyway, and have considered moving there after this school year, way before I had met him. I have been working seeing him into my schedule when I'm there. This would be the first time I would go up just to see him or primarily to see him.
We have been seeing each other every other weekend, except for Thanksgiving (he went out of town with his kids to visit his parents).
You are right -- I don't want to invite myself. I also haven't met his kids yet (he hasnt met mine either). I don't want my first meeting with them to be when I spend the night. I don't think he feels that would be an issue, but I'm just trying to be cautious. Is there such a thing as being too cautious?
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 11:36 pm
With a situation like this with kids involved, I think it is wise that you are being cautious. You don't know how much he has told them about you (or if he has brought the topic up that he's seeing someone at all.)
Has he come down to visit you at all or are you always going up his way? I would say, let him make the 300 mile drive for once. See his reaction when you invite him over to your place. Is he willing to make the drive, or does he want you to be the one to come and see him? Don't make it too easy on him--he should be putting in that effort to come to you as well. It's only fair.
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 11:49 pm
He did come visit me last weekend. And he is coming again mid January.
Fri Dec 11 2009 - 06:16 am
Hey Barb
On the question of being too cautious - well overall, from what I've read I think you are handling things well, especially wrt not rushing in coz there are kids involved. However, there are some things in your post that suggest you do seem to be overdoing the holding back. For example, you mention that 'I have been trying to play it cool, still casually seeing other men (even though I dont want to)'. Even though DWD suggests more than one guy in the early stages, you need to remember that this is only a GUIDE; if you want to date more than one guy then great, but not all women like dating more than one at the time and if this applies to you, then don't! Dating just because you feel you 'should' is pointless, and unfair to yourself and the guys you might be dating knowing full well you're only interested in this one guy.
WRT to the last phone call, I completely understand why you were worried, but I suspect that a) you just caught him off guard, and/or b) he was having a minor 'pre-attachment freak-out'...he really wants to be with you BUT when, for the first time it's YOU saying that you're coming to down just to be with him...etc, etc, it's a bit of a shock to the system. In my experience nearly ALL men - no matter how much they are into a woman - go through these. My guy did...but 8 months later he asked me to marry him, in case that makes you feel any better). I think relationships are a bit like any othe 'big' thing - starting a new job, buying a house or whatever...we know deep down it's a good thing and the right decision but it's scary at the same time.
For now, just sit back and relax, and don't beat yourself up for being too 'pushy'. If he's really into you (which I'm sure he is), I'm sure he'll call you very soon.
Please keep us updated! x
Mon Dec 14 2009 - 12:48 am
Smiler --
thanks for your input! I think NG is just doesn't give good phone. He's been very good, calling every day. Just that most conversations last less than 10 minutes, especially when he's with his kids (like he has been all this weekend). He always seems to be doing so many things at the same time. I'm glad that when we are together I get his undivided attention, at least the majority of the time. That seems like a good trade off.
He did send me the details regarding the Hawaii trip, so that's a go. I'm really getting excited about that. I think this may be the "test".
And during our conversation yesterday he mentioned about having me meet his kids next weekend. I finally had a chance to ask him today if that meant he was expecting me, and he said yes. We just have to work out the details (such as which days).
So, I just need to keep myself busy and my mind occupied until then. And I'm really not dating anyone else. I just cant put my heart into it, I'm so into this guy.
So, have you gotten married yet? I;m just hesitant about things moving to fast. My ex and I were engaged within 4 months of meeting each other, and were married less than a year after we had met. Way too fast, but I didnt realize that at the time. I know better this time around, and hopefully wont make the same mistakes.
Thanks again for the support!
Barb
Tue Mar 23 2010 - 10:31 pm
I met this wonderful man about 6 months ago who I'm absolutely crazy over. We work close to one another and would daily see each other during coffee time. He approached me as we were both on the same dating site so we started talking. It has blossomed into a great friendship but where also there is a very strong attraction and connection.
I was just getting out of a 2 year rut as I had previously separated from my partner of 18 years, thinking I would never want to look at another man. This new man is everything I could ever imagine and more but he has never asked me out. I eventually asked him out several times but he always would find an excuse and he even stood me up. I know your thinking it's because he's not interested and that's what I would figure but this man walks by my office almost everyday and he cannot keep his eyes off me and when we get together for coffee or lunch all we do is flirt. I asked him one day why he's approaching me and flirting but will not go out with me and he said it's because I have children.
Everyone has their opinions and reason's for their decisions in life and I do respect his as he never wanted children but I'm extremely frustrated as I truly believe we could have something so special. It's not everyday you meet someone that when your together you don't even notice the rest of the world going by. It's just him and I.
I'm an intelligent and strong woman and need know. Out of my reach?
Wed Mar 24 2010 - 05:42 am
Okay. Let's be analytical here. He has told you that he will not go out with you. For him, children are a dealbreaker.
Yet, you're thinking because you maybe possibly "could have something special" that, you're, what, going to change his mind about children?
He is flirting with you because it's fun and because he finds you physically attractive. That's it. He has already told you that he will not date you, and he will not be with you. So for him, it's just some safe, good-natured fun that won't go anywhere.
So, yes, he's out of your reach. And that's a good thing.
You asked him out (no-no), and he always finds an excuse to decline, and then even stood you up. Yet he still flirts. Is he sending mixed messages? Yes. Is he acting like a douche for doing this? Yes. But is it good that he doesn't go out with you? Yes. At least he's not making you think he wants to be with you, and trying to bed you and then dump you like plenty of people would.
I had a guy in my life that I really liked who flatly told me he had no interest in me whatsoever. Then he would give me googly eyes all the time, and even pinch my butt as he'd walk by. I called him out on it and he denied it, and then the next day he was back to staring at me from across the room with googly eyes.
As my dad says, some people are just jackasses. There is nothing you can do about it. Don't waste your precious time trying to figure out their motives. They don't even know.
Futhermore, why would you want to be with someone who has no desire to eventually be a part of your family?
Thinking that your "chemistry" and fun flirtations and feeling like it's just the two of you in the world is going to "change him" or "make him realize what he'd be giving up" is believing in a pipe dream.
Remember, you don't know how he feels. All this chemistry you feel could be your own perception. I had a friend once who professed his love to me, stating all the amazing chemistry we shared. I didn't feel any chemistry with him. I thought we were just friends; I enjoyed his company but I didn't feel a sexual attraction for him. He was very angry that I "made him think something was there that wasn't." Not true. He made it all up because that's what he wanted to believe. I never demonstrated any romantic interest to him and frequently talked to him about my interest in other guys. Perception vs. reality.
Also, he might continue to flirt with you because it is an ego boost to him to see how much you want him. Take your power back, girl. A lady knows when she is not wanted, and removes herself from the situation gracefully.
If he wanted to date you, he would. He does not want to date you. Move on.
If you keep at it with him, the most that would ever happen is that you guys will take your flirting to a physical level, and then once you get attached, he will drop you, telling you the same thing, "I cannot date you because you have children and I don't want children. Sorry. I already told you this in the beginning and you didn't believe me."
Then imagine all the hurt you would feel. And you'd have no one to blame but yourself. I hate to be harsh here, but it's the truth.
Don't go thinking you can change a man. If he doesn't want to embrace your children, he is NOT "The One."
Find someone who is okay with you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. That means finding someone who embraces your kids.
Tiny
Wed Mar 24 2010 - 10:45 am
Crazyoverhim
I'm sorry hun, but I concur with Tiny's astute analysis. He has declined dates, stood you up, and told you straight out that he doesn't want to be with you because you have children. Even if the latter is just an excuse, the very fact he's making this excuse speaks volumes. To use a laboured cliche: he's just not that into you.
You seem like a smart woman, and I expect if you were in an objective position offering advice on this situation to another person, you would have picked up on the above points immediately. But I suspect that because you're in an 'infatuation fog' (as Misty, one of the other regular posters here refers to it) over this guy, you are unable to see objectively.
You have nothing to lose by continuing to flirt with this guy if it makes you feel good, but please don't put any more emotional investment into him. Try and look at it the way I did after my divorce: while you're still single, make the most of all those times you can spend just doing *you* things...eating whatever you like, seeing whoever you like, not having to visit the boring old granny-in-law at Easter. And date other men - if nothing else, you might make some nice new male friends!
Wed Mar 24 2010 - 10:21 pm
Thanks for the advice to both of you. Everything you have said is what I already know, not liking it but it's reality and this is exactly what I would say to a friend if this was happening to them.
I'm new as this whole dating/meeting people thing and not really liking it. It's very complicated!
I figure my feelings will fade away as we had a fall out this weekend and we haven't talked since and my work place is moving locations so I figure this will help as I won't have to see him everyday. And hopefully one day I will meet a wonderful man who will want me and my kids.
Thanks again.
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