Depression in Men
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 04:02 pm
Does anyone have any experience dealing with this?
I don't know if some of you may have read earlier posts but my BF has been lashing out, acting jealous (for NO reason) and generally just been blah about a lot of things. He's gained about 30 pounds this year and has been struggling in his business. I think in general he just does not feel very good about himself.
His libido is also non existent (sorry if that's TMI).
I am trying to be there for him without being all up his butt, however, it is starting to get tough.
I bought him some St. John's Wort :)
Anyone have any other suggestions? I don't think he is open to counseling, but he has admitted to me that he does think he may be depressed or at the very least that "something is going on" in his head.
Thanks in advance guys. :)
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 06:18 pm
You can't fix him, he has to fix himself. That is the first thing you have to accept. If you are not careful, he can bring you down with him.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 07:03 pm
I agree with Robin that you cannot fix him. However, it is OK to come up with some suggestions.
Him admitting it is a very good step.
St. John's Wort is very effective and has very few side effects. Exercise is another thing that has been shown to be very useful. Do you think he would try that? Why do you think he is not open to counselling?
All that said, depression is a serious condition and he really should go and see his doctor.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 09:19 pm
Aimee-
I have been in love with two men in my life who had major clinical depression; the first my ex-husband, and the last the most recent ex. The first thing to know, is you cannot fix him, and his depression has absolutely nothing to do with you. I felt so helpless with both these men because I felt as though I could do SOMETHING that would make everything better, but that's just not so. No matter how agreeable you are, how many suggestions you make for them in terms of ways for them to be "happier", how much you bend over backwards to make sure their path is smooth, etc., it just won't work. And as Robin said, if you're not careful, his depression can bring you down. This is so true. I felt myself getting depressed with both men, because I felt as though I was failing them (I wasn't).
He needs to address the issue, and get help. With my ex-husband, he did agree to counseling (although rarely did his "homework") and one of the things the counselor did was to give him an extremely detailed schedule that he was to follow every day (it started with, get up at 8am, make breakfast from 8am to 8:15am, eat from 8;15am to 8:45am, etc). It was very detailed and was done to ensure he was MOVING. He also started medication. In order to get through depression, though, your guy really would need to see professionals, and do what they say he needs to do.....
Good luck. It's a very hard thing to love someone who seems as though he isn't loving himself, and it is VERY difficult to stay optimistic and positive through that situation.....
Keep us posted!
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 09:43 pm
I too have had experience with this, and at the end of the day, the depression adversely affected the relationship.
It's great you've identified this as his problem, not yours. Refuse to let his erratic behaviour get the better of you, and try, as much as you can, to remove yourself from the fallout of his lash outs. When my BF used to do this, I would go for a walk, and the very action of getting out the door would often calm things down.
Men are renowned for not addressing something like this, and they buckle big time about getting help. Particularly as regards anything remotely "girly" like counselling. It will help I think if you take a matter of fact attitude towards his condition. Maybe have some pamphlets on hand he could read. Overcoming prejudice is the first step. Depression is just like any other medical problem and often, with good medication, it can be sorted within a matter of weeks.
Keep firmly reminding him he needs to take action. If he doesn't, then you might have to resort to keeping some distance.
Do some reading up yourself on depression so you are familiar with the symptoms, and how you can more easily spot something about to erupt. If he's lashing out, but also apathetic and de-motivated, he could be bi-polar. In which case, a correct diagnosis and medication will most definitely assist.
Would it be appropriate for you to visit his doctor together? I did this and it helped both my man and also the doctor as I was able to describe to the doctor what it was like. (I realise this might not be appropriate for you; I was living with my guy at the time).
In terms of getting him to counselling, the best way to do that is not by convincing him yourself (that's an uphill battle) but enrol the help of family and close friends, and most particularly his doctor. Your job is not to rescue him but to be there to support him.
There is a way through this, but you'll also need to ensure you have good support yourself. Make sure you're doing things to take care of you, and watch your stress levels. If it gets too much, remove yourself.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 10:46 pm
Great advice Trace, always look after yourself first. A depressed man is not able. I was married to one and I had to eventually remove myself of lose myself.
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 04:44 am
I agree with the ladies above in that of course you need to look after yourself. But depression is a medical condition like diabetes and asthma and has to be seen as such and managed seriously. As I said earlier, he needs to see his doctor. If he doesn't have a long history of depression, his prognosis is quite good. If your relationship has been quite good otherwise (apart from the latest spat), there is every possibility that you can get back on track.
It is only when he refuses to seek help and act on the professional advice he is getting, when you need to start considering whether or not you can make it together. If he is proactive and wants to get better, I think it is only reasonable for you to be supportive. I hope it makes sense.
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 10:30 am
Thanks for all the input guys.
I think he is man enough and open enough with me to admit that there is a problem, and like you guys said, the fact that he will talk about it at all with me is a good sign.
I say that I don't think he is open to counseling simply due to the fact that he went to counseling after his last break up (7 year relationship, was very volatile the whole time according to him and her, she cheated). According to him, the counselor said that at some point he just needed to get out of his own head and learn to deal with things.
I have been with him three years and none of these issues were there until he started having financial issues. It seems like the financial issue has just started creeping into other areas as well, and as we all know, a lot of men's egos are directly connected to their bank accounts.
I agree that I cannot change him. I do love him and I want things to be good with us, but I am also not going to be his emotional whipping girl. Believe me, any lash outs on his part are going to be met with distance from me, not sympathy.
I'll keep you guys posted and let you know how things work out :)
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 02:13 pm
Hey Ladies....how do you know when a man is really suffering from depression?
The reason why I am asking is my ex FWB SAID that he was on medication from a doctor about depression and that a lot of times he will just be at home by himself, etc....
BUT I HAVE NEVER REALLY KNOWN HIM TO BE THIS WAY....B/C he is always going out, having a mentoring class, meeting, games at a local sports bar, hanging out with friends, partying on the weekends, church, fraternity, traveling, goes to the gym 3-4 times a week...
HELP ME OUT HERE...WHEN DOES HE HAVE TIME TO BE DEPRESSED? OR WAS THIS SOME KIND OF LIE TO GET ME OFF OF HIS BACK (AT THAT TIME )?
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 02:23 pm
itspossible---sounds like his actions are not matching up with his words. It may have been a line, sorry to say--like "I need space" and "I need to be on my own right now." "I'm depressed and I don't have room for a GF right now." I've heard stuff like that before.
Aimee--I dated a guy who was prone to depression for a long time, and it's not a fun scenario. I was also always trying to fix and help, but was only met with resentment on his part. You are right that when he lashes out at you, you should not stick around.
You're also right about the ego being tied to the bank account. I think guys feel they can't provide when their bank accounts are low, so sometimes instead of coming up with a solution, they get angry and depressed and lash out at their significant others (at least was my case), as if you are the one doing the draining.
My advice is to create distance. If he asks, explain to him that you see he is going through something and it looks like he needs space and time to deal with it.
Don't get sucked downt the path of depression with him...it's no fun.
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 02:59 pm
hi 'itspossible', i am going through a similar experience where my BF keeps giving me the moods/tantrums and can be nasty at times and when i tried to sort stuff out he said he literally needed space. so its all the issues that can make a guy emotionally unavailable. its clear that the woman they are with isn't a priority on their list! they are simply depressed & need to be left alone and wont be good relationship material as soon they mention the 'space' thing. only difference is that some guys do it discretely. i dont think its fair for the woman to be made to suffer their unavailability.
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