Dear Mary4691

I am sorry to hear about your frustration.

It really depends where you are in your relationship. If it is still quite casual, don't do anything, just keep yourself light and busy and maybe even date other guys. Though it is incredibly infuriating, it is probably fair game.

If however you both agree that you are in a committed relationship, you need to raise it with him in a very calm and constructive manner and let him know that it makes you feel very uncomfortable. It is a red flag and needs to be dealt with.

I have had the latter situation and it was solved very gracefully. If anything, your guy will respect you more for asserting yourself.

Let us know how it goes. Good luck!

Wise_until_it_happened_to_me

Dear wise until it happened to me, thank you so much for your reply, im not too sure if it is very casual, he is in constant contact, and really nice calls...and mostly when i don't expect them, like at work, he would ring just to say hello, and then ring me again that evening...Im meeting him next week, and spending 6 days with him, I really can't wait, but this is nagging away at me arrrrrrhhhh....

We also made plans and even booked flights for a weeks holiday again in november... We have planned to travel for several months next year around europe...do guys normally make plans like that even if they are still looking...???

Do you think I should bring up the subject this week, or wait until the wedding is over? I don't want to put a damper on the day either... I do know that I need to confront this subject,

Hi Mary

It sounds like you're very sensible and down to earth rather than just some paranoid chick, and indeed if this is bugging you (which it clearly is) I think you should speak up (tactfully of course). DWD clearly advises against bringing up 'the talk' - but there are of course exceptions to every rule and I think this is one of them.

I can fully understand your worries; it's one thing to leave a profile on a dating site and not visit/only visit occasionally, but more often than not, someone on there every day indicates 'still out there looking'. However (just to confuse matters further) I have heard a number of cases of people (esp. men) going on dating sites simply because it's become a habbit - well in fact an addiction.

As you suggest, best wait until after the wedding, then say something like 'Hey I've been getting some mails from [site name] and noticed you're still using it. Do you think we're still looking, or should we remove our profiles from dating sites?' - (note the use of 'we' rather than 'you' to get across the message that this is a joint decision rather than come across as if you're putting pressure on him/backing him into a corner).

Now hopefully he'll suggest you both do the latter and will possibly confirm in some way or other that you're at exclusive relationship status. If, however, his reaction is hesitant or negative then don't write him off but be careful...don't put all your proverbial eggs in one basket with this guy, you can of course continue seeing him but keep your options open and also keep 'looking'...

Hi Smiler101, that you so much for your reply. I think that what you suggested is the most sane way to go with this...

I have 2 friends who have been on this particular dating site, and altho they are both in relationships they still look. One guy said it was more curiosity to see who has been viewing his profile...Or if he is at a loose end and bored at home in the evening, it's something for him to do!!!!

This is the first relationship I have had in over 4 years, since I parted with my last boyfriend, so im threading soooo carefully...

Again, thank you for taking the time to rely to me.....

Hi Guys, well, im back and still in one piece...Had an absolutely fab time, and brought up the dating sigh thingy as you had said, I was very calm about it, and he did say he checked it out every so often..We both decided that we should remove our profiles as neither of us are still "looking"...it took a lot of courage for me to bring up the subject, and i was petrified of the outcome, but it worked out well for both of us...I had thought so much about it on the flight over, I felt Ill....thank you for your time to reply to my dillema...I wish all of you the very best for love, life, and happiness...

Hey Mary

It's so great to hear that you had a fab time and sorted out the whole dating site thing. Good for you! :-)

I hope things continue to go well for you x

hi.Just want to warn anyone who is naive about dating guys online. Iwas married a very long time, ended harshly a little over a year ago. I didnt want to go out with anyone locally, because of my history of falling hard and fast, plus the lonliness factor (ie no sex in a freaking long long time)well i met someone from like 100 miles away. he was totally different from anyone I ever had gone out with. He was very good with the "pouring it on bs that I told him not to do" the babe, baby, the I cant wait to see you. second,third and fourth were sex dates, which I admit were the hottest I've ever felt. suspecting viagra??? looking back could be because of where i'm at in life compared to where i've been. just thought-i'm gettin mine and anyway long story short-fell for him (idea of him). now the **** is starting.Its just sex for him, but now hmmm deciding if thats ok with me. love it. never been that way before, but really do i want it any other way right now. the whole trust thing sucks for me. maybe he can fill a void, be rebound guy,or whatever. he knows what i like. the waking up in his arms feels great even though we cant do that till the next time. i know i am probably gonna get hurt, but if not then i miss out on the sensations. he is good.

whothehellami....you are going to get hurt....sorry to tell you! I understand what you are going thru...I have never been married...but the ex FWB I had was AWESOME WITH A CAPITAL A!!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOW blows my mind everytime...takes me to a place I have never been before..out of control...can barely breathe, etc etc etc...but I allowed HIM INTO MY HEART! DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMBBBBBBB! if you can just do the sex thing and walk away...hey, have at it...most women are not wired this way..I know that I'm not. I have thought the same things you have...hey I am getting a lot of this (physically) but emotionally, I am EMPTY!
If he don't want a relationship and deep down (and not looking at the sex part) you do..then its best to let him go!

Yes, unfortunately there are men who would make plans like this with a woman and see other women at the same time. These men are called players. They do not change. Cut your losses and move on. Trust me. You are in for a life of heartache if you stay with this man, I am sorry. The sooner you walk away, the better. And, the best way to handle a man like this (so that he will respect you and you will increase the chances that he WILL commit to you - if he is actually capable of commitment) is to walk away quietly. Do not complain or beg or ask him for anything. Just tell him you are busy and cannot make the trip. Say it as sweetly as you can but just say that you have a work conflict or something. If you whine to him it will turn him off and drive him away and you will look desperate and needy. I have done this and walking away quietly makes you look strong and confident. It could actually takes months for him to realize what he wants, if he actually does want you. I know this seems like a long time, but he really isn't worth it. It took my ex fiance a year - yes, an entire year - to come back to me after I walked away. Thankfully, by then I had met someone else and didn't want him anymore. Being away from him in that time I was able to see him for what he really was and I am so glad I never married him.

Men like this are totally selfish and they really don't care about you. They are usually very charming and seem like the man every woman waits her whole life for, but they are so not worth it. Go out and buy 'Getting to I Do', by Patricia Allen and you will understand why it's so hard to let this man go. Then, please let him go and move on with your life and find a man who you deserve. Best of luck to you and I hope you find your own happiness without a slimey player like this in your life!