dating is dreadful
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 12:41 am
I know I am supposed to be enjoying this but all I really want is to come home everyday to a nice sweet man who adores me, fix him some supper, rub his feet, enjoy his company for a while and then hit the sheets for a bit of passion. I know I am supposed to be excited about dating but I just don't think I have the energy for it anymore. I am not sure how many more frogs I can muster up the courage to kiss to find my prince.
I have been doing dwd for nearly a year now and have attracted plenty of men but they are simply not the ones for me. Between the commitment phobes and the still living with mama and the don't have a job and the liars and cheaters and the just want sex but say they want to marry you men I just don't think I can keep making the effort. Looking back on this year I think I would have rather stayed home and watched a dvd or curled up with a good book. Does anyone else get discouraged and just dread another first, second, or third date. I have never really enjoyed dating and find it to be extremely ehausting.
I have a very busy and full life with lots of friends and family and it is getting harder and harder to justify spending what little free time I have with men who are pretty awful. I know that I will be a good wife and but finding a man who is a match for me spiritually, physically, and emotionally is proving to be very difficult. Besides, shouldn't I just trust that God will put him in my path when the time is right? Yes, I know I need to be out there and I have been out there and you know what I have noticed....it's not very nice out there. In my age group it seems that most of the men are broken beyond repair, or seem to have some malfunction such as their brakes not working.
Thanks for listening. I guess I just needed to vent. I know that it takes a lot of courage for a man to ask me out and that he deserves a chance. I just wish they could fill out an application or something so I could weed out the bad apples without having to actually go on a poorly planned, shows no initiative, lacking in creativity, and really not serious date with them followed by them trying to get me in bed every single time.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 05:36 am
Hey tallartist
Er, this won't help you very much in a practical sense, but in case it makes you feel any better, I can relate. And there are loads of other ladies here who can also relate...wait 'till everyone's woken up and I bet this thread will have expanded 20-fold! :-) I am writing this from a happy place as I (finally) met my prince, but boy, at one stage I remember having a SERIOUS case of frog-kissing fatigue.
You come across as a pretty smart, down-to-earth woman with a full and busy life, and exactly the sort of person who will, in time, attract a decent man who deserves you.
It seems a catch-22 situation, doesn't it? I mean on the one hand, if you don't put yourself out there you won't meet anyone, but on the other hand, 'you can't hurry love', you can't force the right person to come along.
There is no real answer, but I got through it by forcing myself to drop the Meet a Decent Man and Settle Down (again) goal right to the bottom of my priorities. I continued to date, but started to view dates as simply a nice way of spending the odd spare evening. It's weird, but once I'd gotten into this mindset, it no longer majorly mattered if any dates weren't that great, or if I liked him but he didn't like me back, yadda yadda - and I think because of my relaxed attitude, I also became more attractive to men. At one point, after having been really hurt, I took a break from dating for a few months altogether and this seemed to help. Remember, dating is supposed to be fun, and if you've reached a point where it's doing little more than p1ssing you off, maybe a break would help you too?
One thing I want to ask you is where/how are you meeting the men you date? For example, if you are finding them in bars, maybe you could try other avenues, e.g. through clubs/social activities, where at least the men you meet are more likely to be interesting and have stuff in common with you?
I did pretty well out of internet dating. Many ladies here (understandably) dislike it and have had very negative experiences, but I found the chatting to someone online just initially was a good way of 'weeding out' many of the real losers. Of course, you have to be careful but I found myself developing a sixth sense before long.
There is no point in me saying that Mr Right will come along eventually, because as true as that may be, it don't help ya much now, does it! x
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 09:20 am
It's weird, but once I'd gotten into this mindset, it no longer majorly mattered if any dates weren't that great, or if I liked him but he didn't like me back, yadda yadda - and I think because of my relaxed attitude, I also became more attractive to men.
Smiler/Missy:
This is EXACTLY why you found your prince. After my divorce, I was very busy being in the military and raising my son so I really didn't have much time for dating seriously. I tried, I looked, went out on a few dates every year but like everyone else I found either committment phobes or players and I had no reason to "bring them home" to meet my son.
Then I just sort of gave up and decided if I was to be single the rest of my life, it really wasn't such a bad life...it was THEN that my current boyfriend basically fell in my lap. I was being myself and I truly believe that since I wasn't looking for any kind of dating situation with him, he was interested in me and the longer we talked, the more I realized that hey, I like this guy!
Tallartist: Hang in there...it took me 13 years of basically kissing frogs to find my prince...it will happen for you also. As Missy says though, you have to just relax and look at the dates as nothing more than an evening spent hopefully having some nice conversation and some fun and nothing beyond it.
Don't wait for his call for a 2nd date...go on about your life like it was just a social dinner with lots of people that you enjoyed...if he calls back, great, you can say yes if you hit it off with him, otherwise, you just look for the next fun "social dinner"...I honestly believe that when we let go of the "I'm hoping this guy will be one I can consider having a relationship with" mindset, something happens and suddenly we do find the guy who we *can* have a healthy and fullfilling relationship with.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 09:35 am
I am not sure how many more frogs I can muster up the courage to kiss to find my prince.
This made me laugh, we have to laugh to stay sane I do believe. Yes it is very disheartening I agree. Some of these men are downright unbelievable. I have been at it for 3 years almost with one year relationship interuption.
I have reached a point where I will not give up my weekend time for a date, just not worth it. I have a better time with the girls. If someone comes along, fine, in the meantime, I am pretty much not looking.
I am on a dating site and do email some, it's entertaining to say the least, but have yet to meet anyone that floats my boat, well I did but he lives in my in box and he won't come out, go figure.
I have a male friend that resurfaces every now and then and I like him ok, but no fireworks there.
You are not alone in this, know that for sure.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 12:40 pm
Its like everything in life sometimes you just reach saturation point. Apart from the usual above mentioned losers I find the constant 'strangers' tiring and unless they grab my attention with a bit about their lives (wrestle tigers or canoed down Amazon say) I tend to glaze over in the end.
Its all taught me to take breaks from dating and I have alot more laid back attitude to it all. Rather go bowling or ice skating with them than a 'get to know' drink. When out with the girls or just out, I am never looking for 'him' theres nothing worse than a desperate woman and why go looking for trouble!
Walking a dog is a good way to relax and chat innocently I always think, I have to borrow one nowadays but its amazing how many people/men are on the beach with theirs.I can't have a pet where I live so enjoy walking other peoples now n again.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 12:36 pm
Oh gosh....I with you tallartist.
I just hid my profile on POF....I just couldnt stand one more immature email...I am currently dealing with a boy (uhuh yep i said boy) who has me more confused with his mixed signals than i have the patience for.
I sent him a text this morning "I'm i ever going to see you again" ...I'm definitely expecting not to hear from him (if i do yay)...but i'm just about ready to throw him in my pile of deadbeats dates.....I just don't get it.
I'm ready to go into my relaxed, date myself, visit with family, go out with friends, and just be happy go lucky me mode !!!!!
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 01:25 pm
You know I have been feeling the same way myself. Just when I meet I guy I think I might want to get to know better thiings get all messed up for whatever reason. I am so sick and tired of first dates I could just scream, and lets not forget the men (?)that never read the DWD rules. I actually have a statue of a frog in my kitchen that I try to remember to kiss every morn. Hasn't worked yet but who knows.
I always wonder about the guys that act like they are really into you and then have no clue how to hunt for you. One guy used to tell me all the guys that talked to me "liked" me. Just because you have a somewhat cute face and guys stare at you doesn't mean I am into them, especially over my date. That would be rude!!
I do have a suggestion that worked for me.....Get a puppy, especially a male one! I have to stay home alot more at night now and since there is a reason for it it just feels good. I guess I am with you on that, Cucumber!!!
So Tallartist, one thing I remind myself of everyday is that it is admirable to keep trying if that is what YOU want in your life. It is not easy! But we are women and can do anything we want!!!
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 02:35 pm
The discard pile just keeps getting higher and higher doesn't it?
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 03:29 pm
LMAO....yes...I'm going to have to start renting extra space
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 03:46 pm
Amen sisters! I am trying the online dating thing, and even though I'm educated(working on my second Master's), have a good job ($30,000+), attractive(tall, thin, good skin), and fairly young(30, gulp), I mostly get e-mails and winks from guys in their late 30s/early 40s who have little more than a high school diploma. I do not get much stimulation from their conversation at all! I work hard for all I've got, and would like someone who has the same ambition, who is closer to my own age. There are guys like this online, but they have yet to act interested.
I've tried bars and clubs (too many players), school and church (all the guys my age are married), the gym (those guys are stuck up), and even work (no one I'm interested in). I want to settle down, but I don't want to settle! I wish I knew where I was going wrong. I used to attract a lot of guys when I was younger, but lately my dating pool has dried up. When I was younger I ran accross A LOT fewer commitment phobics too. It seems like men my age have been screwed up so much that they do not want to commit to anything anymore. I don't know how to get past that.
I haven't been in a serious relationship in close to three years, and at 30 I've never been married. I wonder if the guys online are turned off by that, and the fact that I have a three year old daughter.
I know, and I have been told by several married men, that I will make someone a great wife someday. However, I have yet to recieve any offers. All the men I have been serious about have dumped me; one after four and a half yeras, and another after two years, among others. Maybe I've become too insecure after that; like I need to prove to guys I like that they should desire me. I don't know how to get past that either.
signed,
Discouraged
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 04:05 pm
Hi there Tallartist, and welcome! Oh boy, do I ever relate to your sentiments! You've described it so well! It's so easy to become discouraged when you're a good woman, and yet you face beating down a constant supply of "non suitables". What helps me when I become discouraged is reviewing my daily gratitude list. When I'm driving in the car, doing the dishes, or in fact anytime, I actively remember all the things that are going well in my life. Sure, maybe I don't have the man of my dreams (yet) but I sure do have a lot of other things going for me, and it helps to remember that.
Venting to girlfriends (as you're doing here) is also good. Just watch that when you vent, you do so with positive, uplifting people. You want to feel better after ventng, not worse! Just knowing that other high quality women are also going through the same struggles, somehow seems to help.
It also helps me to not focus on the outcome of a date. Focus instead on the journey, and just getting to know the man and his thoughts/life/dreams. Time enough later to start thinking in terms of the man being potential relationship material. Not projecting too far into the future and relishing the being in the company of an attractive man who is doing his best to impress will often turn it into more of a positive - at least it does for me! I think it also helps to see dates as "opportunities". The opportunity to practice one's dating skills, and practice being feminine for example. (Yes, even though we might have our Masters degree in dating, we can still learn from every man!)
Finally, just give yourself a pat on the back whenever a man doesn't come up to scratch. Rather than see it as yet another negative experience, just remind yourself you're a fabulous recruiter! You know exactly what you want, and you have all the tools at your hand to be able to disqualify a man that isn't right early on!
And have a laugh whenever you experience a dismal date. Hey, at least they make great stories to tell round the camp fires late at night!
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies