dating a player
Wed Oct 28 2009 - 11:25 pm
Ok guys I need help here. I have been seeing on and off a guy for 18 months who refuses to let me get any closer to him. He told me that he has been hurt by the love of his life (5 yrs ago) and that he is afraid to fall in love again. what he does to avoid getting too close to any particular girl is date many of them at one time. We don't see each other that often. Maybe once a week, but they are not planned encounters. If we run into each other in a club, undoubtedly by the end of the night im going to his house. This was the trend every week or so for the first 8 months, but then I got sick of it and told him that I knew he wasn't ready for a serious relationship but that I couldn't continue like this. He was upset about it but he didn't come chasing after me. He tried to call a few times but i didn't answer his calls at first. We talked about dating exclusively, but he said that he didn't think that he could make me happy because he always cheats, even when he cares about the girl and that he didn't want to lie to me. But that he wanted us to continue seeing each other. He has sent me so many mixed signals that I dont know what to think. On various occasions he has told me that he genuinely cares about me. And it wasn't because i was fishing for it. He would just come out and say it. But then the next time I saw him out, he would be cold and distant.
Wed Oct 28 2009 - 11:42 pm
"We talked about dating exclusively, but he said that he didn't think that he could make me happy because he always cheats, even when he cares about the girl and that he didn't want to lie to me. But that he wanted us to continue seeing each other"
I don't see or hear any mixed signals there.....Are you sure this is what you would want? You are not going to change him...Don't fall for that one...
Wed Oct 28 2009 - 11:51 pm
Everytime he sees me out, somehow or another he tries to get me to go home with him. I hadn't seen him in about 3 months. He sent me one text once in those 3 months to say "hi" but I didn't respond. Why? B/c I really love him, but I don't want to be a booty call, which pretty much is the only thing he's capable of with any new girl he meets. I've met some of his booty calls. They all fall helplessly in love with him, and he's done with them in 2 or 3 months. I don't know why he keeps coming back to me or why i'm helpless to resist him. When we are together, he is affectionate, and passionate and amazing. And he acts like he thinks I am, too. But once the encounter is over, whether it lasts 10 hours of hanging out, watching tv, sex, playing video games, eating, etc or whether is 24 hours, as soon as I leave his house, or he leaves mine, I don't hear from him, period. Until the next time I run into him out. I am not a needy, crazy bi*** who is so desperate for a man. I don't sit around and cry about why he doesn't want me exclusively. I just daydream about how great we would be together if he would grow up. (Hes in his early 30s.) If he would give it a chance. I have been told over and over again by the people around me that care about me that he's never going to change, to move on. But I'm the type of girl that doesn't give up so easily. He is worth having and I don't even think that he thinks he's worthy. I think he thinks I'm too good for him. Half the girls that he has ever slept with are not attractive, lack class, sleep around, I mean u name it, he has been with them. (Don't judge him. All men want to be players, but most aren't capable) I mean, he's cute, there's no doubt about that but he's not the cutest. He's just very charming and irresistible.
No man has ever made me feel like he does. EVER. (not emotionally, sexually, sensually, etc) So my question is... Do u think he will ever change? I mean will he still be playing women when he's 50? honestly, he never "played me" From the get go I new he was a player. I have tried to "get away or over him" at least 3 times in the past yr and a half. Its no use. he makes me melt. And there is no other guy that I want. Is he really so afraid of falling in love or was that just a cop out? Or is he really happy being a player? Who knows? I would so love to pick his mind. What do you guys think?
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 12:04 am
Tinker,
I hate to say this, it going to sound harsh...But, to me it sounds like you have gotten played the hardest. The others might of only last two or three months but I find it hard to believe that he was the one that ended it each and every time.
Who knows if he will ever grow up or not. I don't think that anyone an answer that. you have a 50/50 shot and the person you probably should ask is him.
But regardless..it might seem like you are totally in love him and that could be coming from a ton of different places. Maybe it is charm, maybe the sex, maybe the looks and maybe the fact that he is completely unavailable too...
Bottom line, it sounds to me like you need to let him go and move on. There won't be anyone else to come into your life and make you feel that way as long as he is in it...
If you are willing to set yourself aside for him, God knows how long that is going to be going on for...if you are comfortable with that, well then wait.
But, I think that what you really need to ask yourself regardless of his charm and good looks. You are clearly attracted to someone that is very unavailable and has made that perfectly clear. Don't you believe that you deserve better than this?
There are other men out there that can make you feel this way that are available.
xoxoxoxo
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 12:05 am
What I want is for the guy to fall helplessly head over heels for me. I don't want to be the one to change him. He has to be the one to do that himself. I would love to understand how he thinks and to know more about him. I'm not looking for marriage, just a partner and a best friend. (He's already my lover) There is a lot of history between us but most of all, its the chemistry. After all this time, there is no lack of chemistry between us. Its kind of hard to avoid running into him. We are in the same group of friends, we go to the same bars. There have been times where i've gone out specifically to a bar I know he will NOT be at on purpose so that I can still have a social life without running in to him, and there he will be. And when he sees me, its almost like he knew I was coming and he was waiting there for me even though we hadn't talked in 3 weeks.
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 12:18 am
I appreciate your words of wisdom. Of course I think I deserve better than this. It may seem like I'm justifying his behavior or even that I'm ok with it. I'm not. But I often times try to imagine where I would fit him in, in my life. He's almost just really convenient b/c my life is so busy without him in it on a daily basis. And I have to focus on those things in my life that keep me busy if I am going to meet my career goals, my future plans, and above all else give my 2 children(boys, 4 & 8) the best care a mother could give them. My life doesn't revolve around this man so to speak. Yes, I adore him. No doubt about it. and Yes I'd love to spend more time with him. But outside of the nights that I go over to his house, time spent with him is time I am not spending with my children. At this point in my life, I don't know if I could have a man around full-time and still give my children the attention and love that they need. I hope u don't think I sound like callous. But he's an adult and can live without me. They are my children and can't
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 12:31 am
Players are players until they find someone who makes them change their ways... When that girl comes along there won't be any mixed signals, no talk about cheating or "being hurt before" Those things are all excuses for him to sleep with you without the commitment.. I know that you want to believe him when he says he cares and he might care about you as a person but thats not the same as a bf saying he cares... His saying he's been hurt and that he always cheats even if he really likes a girl ETC are all just excuses... and the reason he was upset when you told him you didnt want to do it anymore and the reason he called a few times was because you were his booty call and he was upset that he was losing it and calling in hopes of you answering and giving in...
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 12:55 am
There's much more to it than just that. The few times we talked about being exclusive, he told me that he knew i was the girl for him. That he didnt know why he was dragging hes feet, that he had been looking for a girl like me. His exact words were. "I'm a jacka**, I know. I may be the least perfect man in the world, but I have always respected you. You are beautiful and I'm always thinking about you. I'm telling this from my heart. Sometimes I feel so stupid because you are such beautiful person and I'm far from you. But at least you know that i have never lied to u. To which I replied, "Then what do you want from me?" And he said, "The question is do you still want to be with me?" And I said, "I want to be more than your lover every 2 weeks." To which he responded,"I have been looking for someone who really loves me, even with all the defects that I have, and I discovered that you are that person. I hope its not too late.... Now either he was just really laying it on thick, or he really cared about me. Nevertheless, things didnt change after that. He talked about it with his close friends who then came to me and told me that he was saying he was ready to settle down with me, that I was the one, but he never said that to me with his own words. And eventually i got tired of waiting, told myself I was so much better than that, went to his house and told him that I couldn't see him anymore. For him to just forget me, and ignore me if he saw me out in order to make it easier to get over him. He was kind of shocked, didn't expect that, it even stung him a little bit, for about a week or so. And that was the way it was for 2 months or so. and then i saw him out one night and wanted to be with him and told him i wanted to be with him and started the cycle all over again. And that's where we are today.
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 01:02 am
Thank u for ur insight. If it weren't me in the situation, I would think exactly like you. I would tell the girl to get the hell out of the situation. One question though, he can get booty from any girl he wants. Why would he be uspet about losing booty from one girl when you can just call another? I mean if its all the same. Booty is just booty no matter who the girl giving it is. Right?
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 03:21 am
In the words of Fleetwood Mac, "Players only love you when they're playing."
"All men want to be players, but most aren't capable."
This is NOT true, thank you very much.
Thu Oct 29 2009 - 04:43 am
Yes, he will be a player when he is 50, even 60 or 70. If he is good at what he is doing, he will continue as long as he can get away with it (i.e. there are volunteers to play with him). I genuinely believe that for 'de luxe’ players, this is the case. He may slow down once he is completely fragile and bed-ridden though, so there is hope, LOL!
In extreme cases, it is a very special combination of selfishness, insecurity and charm that makes a bona fide player. They hone their skills through the years and get really good at what they are doing. This is a life style.
I very recently had a short relationship with a player and pretty much the moment I realised what I had got into, stopped all contact immediately. Unfortunately it does not keep me from sometimes still thinking how wonderful we would have been together, though I know full well, even if we had stayed together my life would have probably been misery. There are a lot of married players, not so much fun for their wives.
It is fun with them if you are playing as well, but once you develop any emotional attachment, it is a different game. The interesting thing about players is that though they look like they don’t want you to be in love with them, they do all the ‘I am not a very good person’, ‘You are too good for me’ and ‘I am not good enough for you’, they actually need you to form the emotional attachment with them as it is a pre-condition for their successful playing.
Dear tinkerbell17, I realise it is a difficult one. I know what I would do (and did) and I can only wish you well in figuring it out for you. Good luck!!!
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies