Dating for a month,he seems undecided
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 12:01 pm
Hello, I need an advice. I have met this guy through a dating site, we have been dating for a month now, seeing each other about once a week. In this month though, he hasn't got any closer at all.he seems very happy and into me when we are together, but never calls me to ask me how I am, or even texts, if not to arrange a date (I have NEVER texted him first though). i dont know where this all is going, we havent talked of exclusivity or whether we are both emotionally avalaible and happy with one other. Now, even though a month doesnt seem that much, I still think that if a guy is interested he'll make more effort to try and make me his own, which he doesnt seem to be doing. I am seeing him tomorrow, and have decided that if he doesnt bring the subject up (are we exclusive? are we seeing other people as well? should we be bf/gf?), I'll just tell him that there's no point in carrying on seeing each other, if it's not going anywhere. so he'll have a chance to tell me how he feels and what it's stopping him. What do you think girls? I don't want to waste any more time with guys who don't seem to appreciate me.am I closing things too fast?
thanks
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 01:03 pm
Not exclusive--after one whole month? What is the rush?
Slow down. You just met. You have had maybe what, 4 dates? It is completely unrealistic to demand that he decide these things after you have known each other for a matter of hours. You are just getting to know one another and he obviously likes to take things slow.
This is a good thing. Don't rush him. Don't pressure him or he will do warp speed for the nearest exit and justifiably so.
Relax and enjoy the time getting to know him. Date others. Exclusivity goes both ways. There is no law saying you have to put all your eggs in his basket. Play the field. You are not sleeping with this guy yet, right?
Chill and have some fun
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 01:07 pm
Thanks for you advice :-)
No,I'm not sleeping with him./ we had 5 dates up to now, I don't demand exclusivity RIGHT NOW (and Im seeing other people to keep my options open),but he hasnt got any closer at all. He never calls me or texts me just to know what I'm doing (other guys who are interested in me do it). If we communicated also in between dates (expecially considering that a couple of times we were watching a film, so not much chance to talk),we would know each other a bit better. Is it asking for too much?? Just a phone call every now and then?
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 01:22 pm
Guys don't always have the communication skills we wish them to. While yes, I would expect a guy to call and text if he is interested, maybe this guy is just on his own timetable.
If you are curious then ask him why he does not call or text between dates. If you are just curious and not demanding, he might have a perfectly logical explanation.
Otherwise, you are doing the right thing by keeping your options open. If he does not step up to the plate and someone else does, well..his loss.
You snooze you lose.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 01:36 pm
hello bella...I feel you (lol) but I also agree with thetababe...its really too soon! my new guy and I have been "communicating" via phone for 2 months and have seen each other once a couple of weeks ago and he will be here tonight to spend the entire weekend with me and I would love for him to say..hey you are what I am looking for and I don't want to be with anyone else and I hope you feel the same way too..so lets be exclusive...but I will not put that demand on him neither will I ask him about it!
so slow your roll...at least 3 mths and see where things are by then!
if you do this...you will do every man like that after a month and maybe miss out on some good guys!
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 02:18 pm
Hi Bella
I totally agree with Thetababe's and itspossible's comments. Even though a month can seem a long time in dating time, you are indeed only in the early stages so I wouldn't jeopardize the situation by bringing up The Exclusivity Talk just yet. To put your mind at ease, my guy and I had at least six or seven dates (over several months) before it came up.
You may find that as you get to know each other, he starts texting and calling in between dates, and you start seeing each other more often. If another month passes and the situation is no different, I would then tend to think he wasn't overly keen and consider moving on. But for the time being - just sit back, relax, and enjoy simply spending time with this an other guys without relationship pressure.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 02:34 pm
I totally hear where you're coming from -- he doesn't seem to be exactly stepping up to the plate in terms of moving things along. But I agree with the others -- give it just a little more time. Sometimes guys are just a little bit behind us in terms of relationship movement. I like Smiler's advice -- if another month goes by and things are still the same, you're not feeling any growth, then that seems like you've invested enough time in the situation.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 02:45 pm
Thank you very much for all your advices, I guess I just needed some sensible speaking, and thanks for that :-) I don't want t bring the exclusivity subject up myself (though,if he did,I'd be very happy!),and I agree with all of you that maybe a month is not such a long time. Maybe I am just used to get some much s***t by men, who pretend to like me and then they turn out to be total jerks, or to be on rebound, or simply not sure of how they feel...that now I kind of expect all the men to do so. And this is probably not fair on him.I think what has made me nervous is that I was seeing another guy at the same time (with who I didnt feel any spark, but he is goodlooking and nice),and he said on the 4th date,after 3 weeks, that he wanted to be my boyfriend!!! Then I wondered: why not the other one??? :-(
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 02:57 pm
When you don't have as much invested in a guy, you come across differently than when you do.
It is easier to be your fabulous self when you are not too attached to the outcome. When you like a guy that changes.
It is a very common thing; the ones you don't want are the ones in hot pursuit. The ones you do want are hiding.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 07:06 pm
I agree with all the other posts here. Just be cool and relaxed. Sometimes I think a man "tests" a woman to see if she'll react with drama (by initiating a talk), and sometimes a man just wants to go slow for his own reasons. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you (in fact by continuing to date you, he's clearly interested), it just means he's going at his own pace that's all.
Try to disconnect a little bit more, adopt a "don't care either way" attitude, keep dating others, and then take the temperature of the relationship in another couple of months time.
You might be nicely surprised. The pot does come to the boil after some slow and gentle simmering!
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 07:12 pm
I have a question ladies since this discussion is right up my alley. My guy and me have been talking for 5 months and met once (day and a half) but he slept elsewhere...so no sex yet and he might come for the weekend soon. Is it too early (sending a wrong message) to have sex if we both are so inclined? Sorry, don't want to tie up this thread...just a simple answer will do. ;)
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