Well, let me be the first to say I've had some experience with this general topic (without the pics, though, luckily.)

I dated a guy in college, we got along pretty well but were never intimate (my choice--he was PERSISTENT!) I suspected he may have been bi, based on his tastes in movies, art, music, but he had very anti-gay attitudes and generally acted a little prudish.

He confessed to me that he had kind of had an incident where he stalked a guy in high school, that he didn't know why and that nothing bad or major ever became of it. He told me this guy looked a lot like a friend of ours in college at the time. I thought it odd but never said anything.

I eventually ended things and came to realize I may have been his beard (hetero relationship simply to mask one's true sexual identity) and that he probably pursued the physical thing to prove he wasn't gay. Oddly enough, I later dated someone who confessed to me about a week in that he was bi. And we ended up having a very good LTR. I can't help but think if he'd tried to hide it, I'd have found out some other way and been crushed, like you!

So in short, I've had to deal with that semi gut-wrenching feeling, though not in the same shocking manner as you. I've also had to deal with wondering if the guy I was dating really liked me, was satisfied, etc., wanted to be with a guy instead of a girl. Also had to make friends with an ex boyfriend, which went rather well because of our personalities.

It's a good thing you ended things, if only because of the honesty issue.

It's not unheard of for guys to date/have sex with guys in secret. Sometimes, guys can even be married and, in their public personna, come across as strongly homophobic (a deterrent, is my guess, from people discovering the truth.)

There may be no concrete warning signs but, ladies, check your gut! Odds are, some things just won't add up. Just please, ditch your denial--it can happen to anyone, anywhere, regardless of religion or whether you're married.

Hi golfergirl12

I'm sorry you had to go through this :-(

I think it's one of those situations where only with hindesight can you see the signs. I mean, there are sometimes other reasons why someone avoids intimacy (low self-esteem, abuse in a previous relationship, low sex-drive) and even if our guts tell us it's something more serious, how many of us would want to face up to it ask the question 'Is it another woman' or 'Could he be gay'?

As Marmoty says, it isn't all that uncommon for guys to live 'in denial'. In fact I know a couple of people who were in long term relationships with a person who turned out to be gay or lesbian. And one of my friends from college only 'came out' in his thirties.

So don't please don't feel stupid.

No, you are not alone... I just ended a short-term relationship with a man who actually told me about his gay past. He told me that his religious convictions had moved him to reject that lifestyle and that he no longer desired it. I have my own convictions as well, and believe that people can change if they desire it enough -- so I bought into it. I don't know what your signs were, but this guy, initially, was one of the most sweetest and generous men I had ever met and was commitment-minded; the only thing is that he was in a bit of a rush to commit (within like a few days time). I also noticed how anxious he was to tell his friends and family. This was a red flag. This is my first time hearing the expression "beard", but I have a feeling that's all I was. I also started to notice how EXTREMELY irritated he would get around other gay men. He would say he had so much hatred for that lifestyle that it bothered him, but yet he was still so defensive concerning them. Another red flag. Could've been empathy, but........... We never made love, which we agreed was against our religious convictions (but deep down I felt something was wrong - at the time, I just chalked it up to his lack of experience). We came so close on occasions and I knew with a straight guy things would have turned out differently. Even when we kissed, it was very innocent - not much passion or french kissing. I had all kinds of feelings that were letting me know something was wrong, but I guess I wanted so badly for someone to truly love and commit to me that I kind of ignored those feelings... Call it a miracle, but what truly helped me was he started to pull away. When I tried to discuss it he would fly off the handle and try to blame me for everything -- what happened to the sweet guy?? I quickly started to see him for what he really was and it was a total turn off. I actually posted on this site for advice as well, and the ladies were so supportive and understanding that I found the strength to say "you know what? I deserve better than this..." I broke it off with him and feel so much better. For a second, I resented him for making me think I had found real love, when in reality he was just using me... But I'm letting it go, because I won't allow him to ruin my chances for real love. I'm just grateful I became aware as soon as I did. Marriage would have been a disaster.

Thanks for all your comments:

Shea 417,

This is so true, he would always blame me for everything and was soooo good at just turning the situation around on me to be my fault. I am actually happy I found the pics because I probably wouldn't have believed it otherwise.

This guy is a total sicko and after I found ladies douche in his bathroom (used), referring to his man friend as a "bromance," never being turned on by me, pulling away when I kiss him, rolling over so I coulnd't touch him, always hanging out with his guy friends way more than me, and blowing our plans off to hang out with his bromance, I should have put 2 and 2 together.

The first year we were together it wasn't this bad at all. Still had sexual problems but nothing like this. Only in the last month did he go from planning our wedding to falling off the face of the planet to spend time with men.

How dare he put me and my life in danger of STDS and whatever else. I just got my test restults back today and thank God they are negative. I am so lucky I finally saw the truth and was able to finally get out clean. This guy is a twisted twisted freak and its one thing to be gay but not at someone elses expense.

OMG i could see it I am in a 8th month relationship with a man and like u hasnt even really touched me at first it was ok then it turned inyo once in a while to now we havnt been intament in a couple months,and he is a biker and hangs with his GUY friends allot and he make me feel inloved ugly and everthing elase that comes with it I also wonder if he's gay and womwn r his cover as he talk about how all these women want him

I have been in some weird kind of on and off relationship with a man for 2 years. I thought he respected me which was such a great feeling. Until I fell for him...He would never introduce me as his GF. Had other women friends... recently I have suspected FWB with one (maybe for Her benifit not his...)and one is his ex GF who says she has a BF but is always calling "my" man up asking to meet, go for dinner, bring dinner to him, etc... And he goes!!! But he wouldnt be intimmate with me. He is a great guy, caring, giving, educated, so much fun to talk to... (a bit of a space captain, however...hehe)

A GF of mine suggested he was gay and just loved the company of women and liked the cuddling part...and I am inclined to think he may be bi. He has asked me to move in with him in the past, but I declined because he was too distant. I said I didnt need a place to live nor did I need a roommate.

He may also be a player (I posted on the player thread) He may also be a commitment phobe.

I have backed up saying it hurts me too much to stay over on weekends anymore while he is seeing other women. He, in turn, is devasted. Calls me most everyday. I try to keep busy and dont answer his calls right away. When I talked about my short term goal of buying a small house, he said: but I want you to be here(with him) So confusing!!!!
If he is gay/bi, could that be why he has many women friends to hang with?? or does he just love the harem affect....??? Or like in the last post...women are his cover>>> what a revelation if that's the case!!!

So, I am thinking more and more that he is just not BF material....

I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be gay. I didn't think he was but two other people suggested it after we broke up and looking back it made sense. We'd chosen not to sleep together until we were married but there was never any other kind of intimacy. Intimacy was pretty much limited to holding hands, hugs and a peck on the lips or cheek. Yep, that was it pretty much. It was like he had not 'male desire' for me and I felt VERY undesirable.

I think the reason he went out with me was due to our age. He was, at the time, 24-26 years old, i think he must have been struggling with his feelings and as none of our friends were gay he would have wanted to fit in - as you do.

I guess what it comes down to is that everyone has day to day struggles in their lives. I don't feel upset toward my ex now because I understand he was probably going through a very stressful time of his life and he delt with it the best he could. I'm very grateful he broke up with me now though - I have a straight bf this time round!!