Dating a busy guy
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 10:09 am
I met a guy online about 6 nmonths ago. We sent some emails back and forth and finally met about 3 months ago. The first date was awesome. He was still living in another state, but in the process of moving near where I live. He has a very hectic job, he is tasked with turning around a failing company, and is going to school for his MBA as well. So taking all of this into consideration, I was trying to be patient with him that our second date was 3 weeks after the first. Date 2 was wonderful, and then date 3 was again another month later. In between Date 2 and 3 he moved into town, and his daughter started college. On Date 3 we discussed if we were dating other people and he got quite upset that I was still dating others and come to find out he had taken down his online profile after date 2 and was seeing no one else. Date 4 finally happened about 2 weeks ago and we had a great time again, with him explaining how he is very unhappy with how busy he is and that he is working on freeing up time and that it will get better. During all this time I have only spoken to him on the phone a handfull of times, as he tells me it is much easier for him to send a text or email when he is in between his commmitments. I hear from him maybe once a week, and only after I initiate an email. I know I have to stop contacting him, but I am afraid he will forget about me. It is so wonderful when we are together and for the week after, but it seems that he looses steam after that first week. I really like him and am afraid I will loose any chance with him if I don't keep trying to make contact. I would apprciate any advice from those of you who have dated busy guys on how to make it work and fit in their schedule. Thanks!!
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 10:49 am
#2
I had this experience, but I wasn't prepared to just wait around for him until he finds an opening in his busy schedule. We still see each other, but he is aware that I am seeing other men and the fact that he took his profile down after meeting me is not a strong enough argument for me to do the same. I don't think he has any right to demand exclusivity from me with the way things are.
I never contact him myself. If he doesn't call, he knows perfectly well I am not sitting at home waiting for his call.
I really don't think your guy has any right to be upset about you dating others. It's like he has made his reservation and will have you once it suits him.
It is very obvious you quite like this guy which makes it hard, but in my opinion being so accommodating to him is not going to work in your favour.
This is exactly the kind of situation where DWD guidelines will be very useful. Let him miss you, have a full life (with or without other men) and let him work a bit harder to keep YOU interested.
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 12:48 pm
#3
I am with Wise on this one. He wants it both ways. He likes the security of having a gf and he doesn't want to put the time into one. He probably likes you but he is putting his job first.
Ok fine. But does he think you go into stasis between dates? He does not have the right to demand exclusivity from you after just a few dates. You have not spent anywhere near enough time together to make that decision.
Stand your ground, do not contact him and do not wait around for him. I wouldn't agree to stop seeing others until you do come to a mutual agreement in a way that satisfies you both
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 03:46 pm
#4
Hey Ollie..this sounds like my situation with the new guy I met online...we haven't officially met in person but have been talking about about a 2-3 weeks....and he travels quite a bit for work too! When we do talk..he seems genuinely happy and excited to talk to me and we talk for hours...but about 40% of the time I am the first one to contact! I know I need to stop contacting him and I did, which prompted an email stating...hey I hope I haven't fun you away! Yes this is a hard one and I actually like a lot of things about him already (if all what he says about himself is true).
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 04:09 pm
#5
When a man is into you, he is going to stay in touch. If you so readily agreed to be his girlfriend and he behaves this way now and you accept it, you are laying the groundwork to be taken for granted through out the remainder of your relationship. Distance yourself, pull back is what I would do. Being exclusive after 2 dates is a warning flag you might want to pay attention to.
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 06:33 pm
#6
Robin...this is so funny to me...why is it that we women are looking for exclusivity and then when the man wants it too...its too early and its a warning flag? I mean, I want me and the guy I meet to be exclusive (meaning I don't want him to be dating anyone else on Friday and then me on Saturday)...I really want to see if we would work out and if not, then he can move on! LOL
Sun Oct 11 2009 - 11:06 am
#7
I think the problem is, if I understand it correctly is that he doesn't want her to date other people while he is busy with his work. He is in essence unavailable. They really haven't spent enough time together yet to determine if an exclusive relationship is what they both want. (from each other)
I have spent enough time with self absorbed actors, musicians and artists to know when he says "she needs to understand that my work comes first" that means I will always come second. Sometimes 10th. Sometimes I don't even make the cut.
If he is not free to be with her he should not be laying a claim to her time
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 07:38 pm
#8
Thanks for all the responses! I know you are all right, and I need to put the DWD guidelines into action. I think you are right that this is not the way I would want a relationship to be, so I have to change it now. I have been trying to meet other people, but my heart has not really been in it. I am going to stop contacting him and see where it goes, but in the mean time try and meet others with an open mind. I guess that my excuses for him are that he is busy with good reason, but how hard can it be to find a couple of hours a week... Thanks again for the advice!
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 09:59 pm
#9
I understand thatababe...it is early to stake a claim on someone but just from reading the threads on here...most of us want someone who is so into us that they take their profile down and want to just be with us!
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 10:04 pm
#10
Oh man!!!
How are you in an exclusive relationship with someone who can only make time for you twice a month?! I don't care how busy he is, that is just ridiculous! Just know that realistically he will never be less busy or at least not in the neat future and I really can't think that 4 dates have made you think that he is worth being exclusive with when you only get to see him twice a month... You need more love than that giiirl!!! Or at least I do. lol
Sun Oct 11 2009 - 11:04 am
#11
Yes Jess, I think the guy wants a security girl to be there for him when and if he has time. He will promise more time but there will always be another job, another project, another case. She will never be a priority in his life, and if she agrees not to see other people, she will spend a lot of time sitting around--and chatting with us--lol.
Its-yes you are right too--most of us do want an exclusive relationship, but with a guy who is in it with us too. ;)
Sun Oct 11 2009 - 11:09 am
#12
Oh and Ollie--yes, let him do the contacting. Let him miss you. Hey you could be busy the next time he calls and wants to see you. What do you think he would do if you had to take a rain check because you do not go into stasis when he is not around and have a life going on?
Sun Oct 11 2009 - 04:24 pm
#13
He hasn't qualified (yet) to land the ultimate prize of having you all to himself exclusively.
The fact that he became upset when he heard you were dating others, and yet he still did not do anything to make more time available in his busy schedule, tells me he just wants a relationship of convenience.
Put your needs first, and go out and date others.
Thu Nov 05 2009 - 09:04 pm
#14
Hi Ollie99,
I think that busy bull....t is nothing but a smoke screen. No one is never too busy to call you except....MARRIED MEN OR MEN WHO ARE LIVING WITH A GIRLFRIEND. You see I have been in your position years ago. The guy would only text which means he's in the company of some female. Because, if it's just guys he would call you in their presence. If he was in a business meeting, he would wait until the meeting was over and call you. If he is in the company of business people in a social setting, he could excuse himself and make a quick call to you. So, my advice is move on to other possibilities.
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 12:16 pm
#15
hi, love your attitude....but could do with some advice??? been out on a few dates with a guy for a couple of months now, loads of texting, called me his girlfriend & he even text love you....but now things seem to be cooling off!!! i know works been nuts for him but the texts are less frequent & the babes, honeys etc by text are non existent!!
he has talked about future dates etc but i've gone into full drama mode.....please help???
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 12:53 pm
#16
Hi Jellybean,
Sad to tell you but when a guy call you his girlfriend and says the "L" word in a short period of time, it is a RED FLAG. It seems he's displaying traits of a manipulative man. You may want to go read this book called "The Manipulative Man: Learn the Behavior, Counter the abuse, Regain Control" I can't recall the author but it's by a professor with the first name Dorothy. Barnes & Noble bookstore sells it. I think it will help you a great deal in the world of dating.
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 01:19 pm
#17
mittens, that really wasn't what i wanted to hear!!....was hoping the no contact rule would apply in this instance....he's away for a week now so will just have to wait & see???what you think???
has this happened to you??? i need someone to keep me strong!!! he seemed soooo into me!!! he bowled me over....btw we haven't been intimate....lucky me!!
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 03:49 pm
#18
Hi Jellybean,
I know you didn't want to hear this but yes, I've been there done this situation. When a guy says the "L" word in a short period of time, you have to ask yourself what does he hope to gaine? As well as, these men pickup on woman who have a heart in order to manipulate us. My suggestion is start going out with other people and stay busy with other activities. This helped me a great deal during my departure from the exboyfriend. It helps to surround yourself with your close friends at this time. They can help you get through it. By all means, don't sit around waiting to hear back from him.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 01:00 pm
#19
it also depends how he says it, and his actins behind it.
My guy said the L world after 1 month. but not in a way i would see a red flag.
we were talking, joking around, haveing a good time and he just goes "LOVE UUUUU" i said "LOVE UUUU 2" its not that we tell eachother this everyday, every 5 seconds. thats rediciolous. Actins mean more to me than words. So, look at his actions behind his words.
good luck
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 04:21 pm
#20
Aniusza...so you don't think he meant love u as in I love you?
Just wonder if my guy will start telling me kind of early too! He will be here this weekend and he is so excited and the language he is saying seems like he is really into me!
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:33 pm
#21
absolutly i do think he said and meant I Love you. :)
he just said it in a different way. My guy is not the kind that will keep on telling me this. but he shows it with his actions. i prefer the action. LOL
impossible
i updated my other post "no contact again....." Please read if you have a chance.
I wish you all the best. and remeber dont, i mean Dont say it first.
He needs to say it first. makes them feel like a real man. He needs to think or know ( LOL )that he is the one that made this decision. That he was not pushed into it. Trust me it works.
:)
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 06:01 pm
#22
A...Oh I won't tell him I love you first..made that mistake with the FWB and I NEVER heard it from him!!!
A..I feel like a 16 yr girl about to go to the school dance this weekend with the star football player! I am soooooo excited! He is just a breath of fresh air! My only fear is he is not who he says he is and is just playing games! I don't get that from him..but you just never know! Ok, I will read it now!
Hi Ollie,
Right now you can only state you are "meeting" up with a busy guy and remember this, no matter how busy he appears to be, he is the one that put his profile on a dating site which would indicate he is seeking someone to either share time with as he gets to know her better or he is just seeking sex, because of his schedule he cannot start a full blown relationship.
Right now you are chasing him and not waiting for him to contact you, when he does contact you first it shows he is interested in you and perhaps willing to rearrange his "busy" schedule to see you again, it is that simple.
Tis true understanding he is a busy man is great, but even busy men need to contact a woman first if he was really interested.