Confusion reigns
Wed Jul 08 2009 - 04:58 pm
Hi All you wonderful people - I know someone out there will be able to help me work this out - I am blowed if I know how and I feel so alone on this one. I am hurting and confused and I dont know how to handle this.....and the hurt is so bad.
In short - I met a guy 7 months ago. We live far apart (2 hour plane trip) but still managed to see each other once a week or so most of the time. Whenever we were together it was fantastic. About a month into the relationship I got the DWD eBook, because I wanted to make sure I "did the right things" ...and I THOUGHT I was doing all the right things too - I never chided him if he didnt call, always made things fun and unpredictable. I have the luxury of a job that allows flexibility so I could take time off to be with him (he owns his own company). We both had our own lives - my weekends are sacred [I am a golf nut] and he has his son every second weekend. It seemed solid and going somewhere. Now, he has just returned from an overseas holiday (a holiday that he said right from the start I would be going on - but somehow it didnt happen). Before he left, we had a fanatastic few days together and we "talked" on skype when he was away most days.
Then - he extended his stay for another week (ie came back on 6th July instead of 30 June). The plan always was that I would be going down to see him when he came back - we both understood this to be the case. I was sad that he was staying away an extra week but I accepted it without grumbling. Now he is back home and when I spoke to him on Monday he said he would come up to see me instead. OK change of plans again BUT THEN he tells me he cant come up til Friday. I was a bit disappointed at that but I didnt chide him or anything. I took it in my stride. I am pretty busy so truth to tell the end of the week suits me better. THEN just last night he called me to say that he wont be coming up AT ALL this week so I said that I could go down there to see him - I mean we are used to making compromises so that we can see each other and he often comments how great it is that are both willing to do this - however, his reply this time to my offer was that he has his son with him so no point me coming down this week - he said we might see each other "maybe next week".
Is this his way of signalling the end of the relationship? What have I done wrong and can it be fixed and/or is it worth fixing?
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 12:53 am
Hi Catwoman,
I think u're too concerned abt him that's y u feel insecure when u cant meet him.
Maybe he is too busy that's y he has no time to meet u during a weekend.
Try to focus on others things make yourself busy or meet some of your close friends during a weekend for a party or whatever and don't make a call till he call u.
If u keep on call him at this time, he might feel pressure for seeing u again or he might think u r not understanding since he told u he will have his son with him.
If u ignore him, very soon he will come back to u.
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 02:56 am
Thanks for your comment UniqueJ. Thing is though ...I have NEVER chased him (he makes all the calls - I dont call him - as per DWD).
But I do absolutely agree with you - I will ignore him and see what happens so thanks for that advice.
I definitely have NOT put pressure on him at all. When he said we wont see each other this week I didnt rant and rave -I just said ok we will catch up next week then. I understand re his son and his work but in the past this hasnt stopped us seeing each other - so I am just confused because it is such a big departure from the way we were before he went away.
PS: The reason we dont do weekends is my choice - I dont want to see him on weekends...I am too busy because I play golf and I go visit my friends. I have a pretty busy life actually and am wondering if maybe it is HIM who is insecure? Or maybe I have scared him away because I am too busy and he feels that I dont have time to fit him into my busy life?
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 04:39 am
CatWoman totally get where your coming from is so frustrating I have had a similar situation where time was limited he worked and lived in Kent but before that lived near and it was great.
We called or txt everyday but suddenly it changed, I knew he was busy but my insecurities got the better of me. I think is really difficult long distance makes the effort more and to be honest maybe too much (do you know what I mean!?!)
I never really put pressure on my guy and was supportive of his committments but he still wanted more guy time he wanted to control when we saw each other and resented me making arrangements, he would make promises and not keep them. And I got so frustrated I lost all confidence in myself to be attractive and became a different person it is so distructive that in the end although put across my side without emotion I had lost what attracted him to me in the first place.
I get the sense that this is what he is doing so you are totally right about going into neutral backing away, letting him come back to you I wish I had...you seem to have such a busy life yourself remember you are a great, fantastic person and he is lucky to have you in his life, so concentrate on that and ask yourself is the long distance thing working for you ... in my really honest moments I am not sure it was working for me having so little time with someone and not knowing when that time would be.
Good luck keep accessing the site and book it will help loads!!!
x
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 10:59 am
hmmm. keeping looking! If he ever decides that he HAS the time, perhaps you MAY have the time too.
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 08:30 pm
Catwoman,
I know u nvr chasing him.
Relationship is like an escapade, when we want to keep distance from the guy, he come close to us, but when we start to want more, they run away...
DWD is good, but sometime i was thinking different people different type of character so we can exactly deal with them the same way.
Some might like to maintain a lukewarm relationship, so sometime they come close to you but sometime they dont.
But some of the guy they need love, they need some girl to show them their emotion first before they reveal their inner feeling about us.
It's good u have a beautiful busy life and believe me, guys like those girl who have their own life instead of being clinging to them.
Most of my male friends told me that they like the girl who are very confidence of themself and always know what they want.
U know him better than anyone who give u comment here.
Ask yourself what make u addicted to him and what's his nature so that u will clear your mind does he want to keep distance with u or maybe just have no time to meet u at the moment.
I know u already have an answer for yourself...
p.s im a chinese girl so my point of view might be different from your culture but i know u will find your way to deal with it.
Cheers...
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 08:43 pm
CatWoman,
I'm for sure no expert on dating but one thing that stuck out to me when I was reading your situation was
a part from DWD. I was trying to find it so that I could quote it exactly but all of it is downloaded in my
other computer and it isn't working. But anyway you could try and find it, but it talks about how a guy
also needs to know that your time is precious as well. You don't get on his case and "chide" him as
you have explained, but you just let him know that "hey if we aren't going to be doing this together let
me know so that I can go and make other plans. You want to play it cool but not so cool that he feels
like he can walk all over you. And he won't be intentionaly doing it he just thinks ok she is ok with
whatever. Paige explains it so much better in the book. I wish that I could just tell you the page.
She gave some examples as well.
He I'm sure knows that you like him. So backing off and waiting (which is like torment to do) will let
you see if he is going to keep it going.
There is also another part in the book that talks exactly about what is happening to you. How it is
going along fine and then he starts to back off. Paige gives some advice on what to do. I'm sorry I
don't have the pages. I will try and find them.
HOpe this helps. Keep on trucking. Keep us posted
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 09:06 pm
Oh wow...Infinity (and UniqueJ) you are so right. I think maybe I AM being a little TOO cool..... and also maybe he thinks that because I never complain or argue that he can just muck me around like this and I wont mind. He is rather a wonderful guy and I had thought he was sensitive and feeling so what hurts is thinking that he might be deliberately doing this to hurt me - but you just made me see that he might not realise he is hurting me
I have never ever communicated anything else to him re the mucking me about .....I am always scared that I will come over as being "whiny" - but yeah....he is using me as a doormat but shame on me for letting him.
Also, I have also never really let on how I feel about him - again because I am too scared that I will frighten him away. When he was away on holidays he asked me if I was missing him and I said I wasnt (I tried it with a laugh in my voice - but maybe he takes that the wrong way?)
So you are all so right....and of course Paige....I think I need to go re-read the book. Thank you so much guys ....I will keep you posted on how things turn out. He is supposed to be coming up next week and I was in knots over how to handle it.... I need to read DWD again before I see him next.
PS: Another factor in all of this of course is that I have been ranting on to a friend about all of this and my friend was the one who suggested my guy might have found someone else and then the little green eyed monster came out and ....well I got pretty upset. So thanks again everyone ...I feel a lot calmer today and hopefully things will turn out well xxxx
Thu Jul 09 2009 - 09:41 pm
HI CatWoman,
I was able to find the pages that I was thinking about. I hope that this will help you. Pg 77, 115 to where
ever you feel like reading. 164 and 172. (*172 especially) It talks about ultimatums but the main reason
that I think it would be good for you is that it talks about how to let a guy know what it is you are
feeling and wanting without saying it is my wåy or the highway. I don't know exactly where you guys
are in the relationship but I hope that this info will help. I think there comes a time where we do have
to let them know what we are wanting and expecting. It is hard to know when this point is.
I hope this will help you before you see him again and I hope that you two will have a fabulous time.
Also try to do what the one page talks about dating other guys. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
This is way hard for me because when I like someone it is hard for me to like someone else. But I'm
learning why it is important.
Until later, Have a great weekend
Sun Jul 12 2009 - 05:36 pm
One thing I have recently learned is that men actually like it when a woman stands her ground and can be decisive, it takes some of the pressure off of them, and they respect her for caring about herself.
Mon Jul 13 2009 - 04:39 pm
Thanks guys.... Infinity - I will read those pages before I see him at the end of this week and yes Darlin NYY I am taking on board what you say too. I have a lot of stuff going down at work this week so I dont have time to obsess too much about what will happen ....but one thing you all might be interested in ....I did ignore him and guess what - he has been calling me more frequently.
One other thing though that you might all be able to give input on - he said that we will have all night Thursday and all day Friday together (he will fy back Friday).
The problem is that in the past, taking a day off from work wasnt an issue. But things have changed since he has been away and I am not sure I can get time off any more like I used to - and if I do it without approval I could get into trouble. Do you think I should tell him this before he gets here? I could maybe get away with just working the Friday morning and we will have the afternoon together. I was going to tell him this news when I picked him up at the airport on Thursday night.
I know I know ....and Darlin NYY will pick me up on this ...LOL :-)....I should be FIRM and I should have said straight away that I cant do all day Friday but I just didnt think at the time.
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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