Hi,

Just wondering if anyone out there has any words of wisdom for me, I could use it. Still no word from him and I can't believe he could give up just like that. MEN!!!

Apple your Post sounds so Familiar ( this guy wasnt from Germany was he)? There is whole band of useres out there, and most of us encounter one..Hope you find someone Decent who appreciates you real soon..

Pinkki,

Thanks for your reply! No he is not from Germany, he is from the US and I am from Canada. Believe it or not I don't feel like he used me, he was very much a gentleman and we had a great time. He sent me money to help me pay for the flight to see him and he covered the expenses while I was at his place and I was there from Thursday night until Monday morning, and as much as we did want to make love, we didn't because we didn't think we should on our first meeting and we both have religious values we honoured. He did tell me all the things in the above letter and even took me to look at a show home and said if I moved he would sell his two houses and buy a bigger one for us. But when I said I couldn't move, at least not right now, because of custody conplications, he chose to end it. After all he told me and how he had such a strong connection to me and strong feelings I just cannot understand how he can end it just like that and not even want to try long distance and at least come to see me too. I feel when you feel close to someone you wouldn't want it to end and some time with them is better than no time. I just don't get it!!!

Apple - first of all you are amazing....here you are hurting like crazy and confused and yet I see that you are posting wonderful compassionate replies to other women on other topics.

I dont know that I can even help you because I am also in a long distance relationship that is leaving me confused and hurting.

However, I do have an "anecdote" to share (goodness knows how it will help - but it might).

A male friend of mine got into a relationship with a girl from Sweden. He told me that he loved her like crazy and blah blah blah ...BUT then the next thing he is telling me that he has called it off. When I asked why - he said that it was the distance and he needed to be physical and to be able to touch and feel her. I asked him why he didnt just jump on a plane to go see her and he said he was scared of flying (what the?) so I asked why she doesnt come to see him and his reply to that was that she wanted to but she had to wait three months to get leave from her work. What is the problem with that? Well seems that it was just TOO LONG to wait .....double what the? So now this guy has totally cut him self off ...says he is hurting and all sorts of stuff and I am shaking my head and saying to him that surely if he really loved her he would have overcome all these supposed issues? When I really got down to the root of the matter with him it turns out that he is actually scared of changing things in his neat and orderly life - so although he BELIEVED that he very much loved this girl and wanted to be with her, when it came to the crunch he just couldnt move himself from his comfort zone and so he literally "cut off his nose to spite his face" and cut her out of his life. He tells me that when he sees her come on line he just ignores her. I asked him how she feels about this and his answer was that she is a mature balanced woman and she will be fine (sure...I bet she isnt).

So I guess the moral of this story is (a) men are weird but (b) maybe just maybe your guy did indeed get "cold feet" at the thought of changing things in his life????

How to follow up on that? My answer (based on what I have gleaned from this male friend) is that you just have to move on. You are doing the right thing by not communicating with him. It sounds like you are a wonderful and caring person - go find someone who really appreciates you and deserves you and is willing to compromise for things to work out. If he really wants to climb out of his comfort zone he will. But above all - it isnt YOU. It is HIM and you cant do anything to change that.

Sorry if I havent really been any help

CatWoman - WOW! Thank you for your wonderful post, and reading it really helped me and the wonderful things you said about me literally brought a tear to my eye. You sound really great too! I believe that you are right, I think that my friend is going through the same thing with his 'comfort zone', he uses the excuse of his job and his son but his son is already a teenager and will be driving soon and he would be old enough to come see us in Canada. I think my friend is scared of the thought of another country but he knew that when he continued pursuing me and Canada is not that foreign to the US so I feel it is another excuse. I, on the other hand, cannot move because my ex-husband has joint custody and has refused to allow it and I would have to go to court and fight to be able to move her and I would have to prove that it was in her best interest and that I of course could not prove because how could it be in her best interest to move her away from her friends, family, school and everything she has ever known plus we have our health care covered where we are and we have extra medical expenses. I even told him that I would move to the US with him after my daughter graduates, which would be in about 8 years, all we would have to do is date long distance for a year or two, then he come here for about six years and then we could move to the US. I feel that I have tried everything and he didn't really move an inch, he was all wonderful and great when he thought he could convince me to move and when I told him I could not (right now), that was it, OVER! I beleive you are right, I have to move on, and I have been trying to very hard, and every day gets better but not really any easier. Then I think to myself, if a man truly cares for a woman enough to be considering marriage then he shouldn't toss her away at the first sign of a bump in the road and that he needs to bend a little. Since he is not, I guess that tells me alot. Thanks again for your lovely post, you made me feel better, and I will never understand how he can give up just like that, but his loss and since he chose to give up "the one" for his comfort, will he really be all that comfortable??? He may have his comforts of home but he won't have "the one" he wants to share it with (unless he finds another "the one" - which he has been looking for about 10 years until he found me)and to me that is more important than any place or material thing and I thought he felt that way too because on his on-line profile he stated that it didn't matter where you lived as long as you were with that special someone but I guess that only meant if SHE could move! I would if I could but I can't, and he can, in shorter time, but won't! Hmmn! Thought he would have realized by now that I am worth the climb but I guess not with two weeks on no contact but as I said his loss and I will find that someone who will do all he can to be with me and not just give up.
Blessing, Apple

Apple, damn them anyway! he got what he was looking for and is so little of a man that he let you fly to his country and not only did you waste your time, but your money. He will get what he deserves one day, I promise you. I hope you at least took in some of the sites and it was somewhat a good experience for you. Forget him, he's not even worth your valuable time. Keep your head up. hugs...

Thanks for your reply and yes I did enjoy my trip, saw some great sites and it was very in-expensive for me because he covered alot of it and paid for everything while I was there, so I had a great time, great trip and a good holiday so it was a good experience. Also, I learned alot and for the time being I gave up on the on-line dating sites because unless I can meet someone close or someone who will move, because I can't, there is no point. Live and learn! Besides, if he saw all the great things in me, someone else will too and will hopefully live closer.
Apple

Well, guess what? No contact with him worked! Just over three weeks and he contacted me saying that he couldn't handle it anymore and missed me and just HAD to call so we have been communicating and will be seeing each other again. However, he has been the one doing the calling and text messaging and I return them when I can (smile). So, I guess we'll see where it goes from here, maybe he is re-considering his comfort zone!!!!!!!

and let him pay to see you this time! Demand (without saying it) that he respect you, your money, and your time. Be happy...

It has been a long time since I have been on here but I am somewhat confused again. I went to see my guy again and this time I stayed for 12 days and we had an awesome time and things went really well and he called me his girlfriend and said how beautiful and awesome I am and he hinted about going to Vegas and everything and now that I am home he is not pursuing as much. We are still communicating and getting along and we had a great hour and a half conversation last night but he is back on the we may just have to be friends kick, because of the distance and yet he says we are a great match, communicate well, and he is attracted to me and says that I am beautiful and sexy and that he misses me and would love to see me again but wondering about how we will afford the extra expense of travelling. We have both had bad realationships in the past and him and I get along great and I feel that when we have something good we should not give up and it frustrates me that he said the word friends again. I can't figure him out, when I am with him he is great and he even said he loves me and when I am back home he slowly pushes me away and is unsure of what we can do and yet he does not like the State that he is living in and wants to move but wants to move to another State not to Canada. Is he just trying to blow me off but in a nice way? Because I feel he does genuinely care about me and doesn't want to hurt me but this is driving me nuts. Should I just let him go? Because it would be hard to just be friends now that we have love for each other and our only obstacle seems to be the distance.
Confused Again,
Apple

Hi everyone, this is Kiran and I am muslim girl, I have been in contact with a very nice guy who is my colleague at the same office but our offices have distance we work for hte same Company But different states. We have been calling each other since two years, I really do love him no matter what, but I dont really get him what's his plan? Could some one advice me regarding!

thank u,

Is there some one to reply me please!

thanks,

Hi Kiran

Nobody is ignoring you, just haven't had a chance to reply yet.

Please could you re-post your question on a new thread? Posting on someone's thread in this way is known as 'hijacking', and if you post a new thread you'll get more attention to your question.

Yes, please do re-post because I thought someone had some insight for me with replies but they were not for me, so if anyone does have any suggestions for me on my post a couple of letters up it would be appreciated.
Confused, Apple

Hi Apple. I have been pretty busy lately and just looking through the site ....I see you are still getting the run around from your guy.

You sound like a truly special person and I think it is a shame that this guy doesnt realise it but dont beat yourself up about it - its not you its him

I am just thinking that maybe this guy is "emotionally unavailable" so even though you have had fantastic times together etc etc there is just not that GUT FEEL inside him that is enough to get him to commit.

I have been doing some research on this very issue and - from what I understand - giving him ulitmatums, trying to be extra nice, trying to convince him etc is only going to push him away further. I havent researched far enough yet to find out just WHAT we should do in these situations....lol. Is there anything that we CAN do??? does anyone know? Or is it just a gone conclusion that if he dont want to commit then he dont want to commit? Sorry not much help to you there.....however......

The "just friends" thing is another issue .....and a tough decision for you. I know that you probably want to remain in touch and be a "just friend" because deep deep down you are holding onto the hope that he just might one day wake up and think "I just want to be with her no matter what". I know that feeling (am there myself making same painful decision).

All I can truly say to you is - whether you decide to remain just friends or not - please get on with your own life and dont try to "dream weave" him into the equation. One thing I have discovered since I started putting the principles of DWD into practise - all of a sudden men are taking notice and I seem to have quite a lot of offers of dates!!!! If this isnt already happening to you - then just re-visit some of the basic principles amongst which the best one is to date yourself!!! Honestly it works!!!! And when you get men flriting with you and offering dates - dont say "no" because you think you are taken, go on the dates and enjoy. You never know - you may just might meet someone else - someone who truly deserves you and wants to be with you.

Ok, Ok, Hi Catwoman, I was reading your post and could'nt help responding to it..I too have gone through a similar situation as I believe most of us have..I have to say..Either us women tend to be complicated thinkers and we try very, very hard to figure men out..or men are simplistic thinkers who go with the flow and wether or not it works out with a woman it is all the same to them..Now pick your choice of state of mind? And I cant believe I'm saying this because it almost sounds as if I am siding with men..But hopefully you'll understand my reasoning behind the situation..Here it goes..(Btw I have changed the locations on my story for privacy)

Would you rather be a simplistic or a complicated thinker? I dont know about you but I'd rather be choice number one..a simplistic thinker..Why?..Life is too short..Now, this is what I mean about women being complicated thinkers and men being simplistic thinkers..As I mentioned before..I was in a similar situation as yours.. and of course, like you, I was thinking and thinking of all the reasons of why and why and why? And like you, my thoughts were all negative and so complicated..In my so called quest to find out the reasons why...I came across this website where you ask a guy's opinion on a particular situation..So, here it goes: Number one is my question to the guy and Number two is his response..You will be surprised at his response..so refreshing and just so simplistic..

Number One, My story:
I met this guy while in Arizona and we really hit it off. We dated for the month that I was there. Everything was going well. I flew back to Texas for a week and we literally spoke everyday on the phone while I was back in Texas. He seemed really into me. Upon my return to Texas I learned that I had to fly back to Arizona for three more weeks. Not because of him, but because of a personal issue. There, in the beginning everything seemed t o be going great until it started getting closer to the date of my departure. He was a bit distant. I had to fly back to Texas. So, we decided to remain friends. It's been several months now and we haven't seen each other since. He pops in and out of my life once in a blue moon. I've grown tired of that but still wonder. He called me about two weeks ago. I didn't feel like picking up. He left me a message and I haven't returned his call. He hasn't contacted me since. There is another guy that I had met in New Jersey. (Yes, I travel a lot). He also contacts me once in a blue moon. He is coming to Texas and wants to see me. So, my question is: Why do men do that? Just come in and out of your life, just like that? And think I'll welcome them with wide open arms?

Number Two, Males response to my story:

You must be a fun girl to have around, WHEN you are around.

Why get too close to you if you're not staying? Guys are very physical -- we like to touch you and smell you. With you gone, investing time on a local girl is a more rewarding experience.

But, at the same time, why lose all contact with you if you're such a fun girl? They know they might be running into you again sometimes, so why burn that bridge?

See? Guys aren't that dumb.

I hope this story helps you out in someway..When we think men have done us wrong, our tendency is to immediately go negative and turn him into a bad guy..But here is another perspective..And we are all human arent we?..xoxo, Me!

Long Distance guys weave in and out of your lives. Why? Because you let them. Period. Now, I have been there, too. Me from the US, he from London. Same events as I read on this post. All the good stuff, good times, etc. The daily or twice daily phone calls, emails, etc. My long distant relationship turned into getting engaged after 8 months. But soon after the engagement, he started acting strange. Probably, he felt comfortable enough in the relationship to let his guard down. Finally, after a short stay in the hospital (pneumonia) and he didn't call (cell phones work in hospitals) to inquire about my health, I broke the engagement. His excuse: "I was busy. Besides your a big girl and can take care of yourself".

Lesson learned: In long distant relationships, you miss the opportunity to see the natural one on one evolution of character and integrity. Hooray, I found out before I married him.

You know Apple - I think hidu1 has hit the nail on the head .....she said that a guy told her "why get close if you're not staying?". Maybe this isnt the case in your relationship but certainly it seems like guys just cant do long distance.

However, another factor I was thinking about is that you said you could move to him "after your duaghter graduates in 8 years time" ...like wow!!! Maybe he has gone "gulp....she is thinking that far into the future!!! Eeeek" Maybe he has got cold feet thinking of that. I know you said that he was supposed to be looking with a view to marriage (according to his profile on the site you met him) but when faced with reality it just seems he cant do it.

Darling, hard though it is you have to move on. He is not worth your time and effort frustrating and hard as it is for you. You deserve better. Let me know how you are getting on please.

Hi Guys I Need Your Help,

My Ex disappeared on me for 5 months, now he is back I am not sure what to do. He say he is willing to try. What Should I do.

Thank you all for your wise words and valuable insight. Well, I am doing fine and keeping busy within my own life. Him and I are still communicating and talk usually about four times a week and our conversations are still going fine and at this point in time we are keeping it at the friend level and I have decided that if he doesn't make the effort to be more and realize how great I am, someone else will, who will be more deserving. You are right catwoman, I am still holding on to hope because he does still show interest and I know that he really likes me but if someone else comes along that is willing to go the distance I will not pass up on the opportunity. He is a pretty good guy but I believe he likes his comfort zone and I am sure that if I would be able to move and be the one to sacrifice everything we would be together but in my mind a relationship is about give and take and compromise and if he is not willing to budge even a little then do I really want a relationship where I do all the work. No Thanks! I will keep you posted as to what is going on but know that either way I will be fine because I had a great date last weekend and it was with myself and I really enjoyed the company. LOL!

I am in a long distance relationship (friendship) and I know and he knows that if this thing were to take off that one of us would have to move and he already brought it up weeks ago. The way it should be handled...this way no one can end up feeling hurt because they quietly expect the other to make the sacrifice. He has already said he would never move out here and I know this. If we ever fell in love, it would be much easier for me to make the move since I am not a home owner. So, it's important to talk about that possibility from the get go to avoid hard feelings later on.