Completely new to the game
Sun Oct 25 2009 - 08:54 pm
I am so new to the dating thing it's scary. I was married for nearly 11 years and have been divorced for about a year. I have no idea how to do this anymore. Where does one go to meet quality men? All of my friends are either married or in a relationship and of course we all know that married people tend to hang out with married people so I really have no idea where to go to meet men, short of going to the bar. I "met" a few people online, but I get the distinct feeling that everyone is just out for a booty call.
My ex-zero social skills, husband has even started seeing someone. How can this be so hard for me. I guess I'm just afraid to get out there for fear that everyone is just trying to get in my pants. I am trying to have just a little more self-respect to not let that happen.
Help!
Sun Oct 25 2009 - 09:10 pm
What kind of life do you have that doesn't involve meeting men?
I have been divorced for many years and I buried myself in work to the point where I have no life at all. Now I am starting from scratch.
My strategy is to find some friends I can hang around with who like the same things as me. Someone you can do stuff with.
Try Meetup.com which has chapters all over and is free to join. This is just a bunch of people interested in something getting together. Pick something you enjoy--preferably some activity that attracts a lot of men. But start cultivating other single women.
Also, try MeetMarketAdventures.com. They also have chapters all over but are a club devoted to singles. They have lots of activities as well. They are free to join but the activities do cost a small amount depending on your interests.
Remember the theory of six degrees of separation. Even your married friends have single friends, in-laws, co-workers etc. Most people meet their life partner through friends. Never turn down an invite coz you just never know who will show up.
Google "singles activities your city"
There is also the grocery store and the hardware store.
Check out the thread in the dating forum on meeting new men on a budget.
Good luck
Mon Oct 26 2009 - 09:15 pm
Thanks Thetababe for the info. I will definitely check out the sites. I guess, I just haven't made much of an effort to get out because I've been trying to finish school, my ex and I share custody of my 5 year old, and I just don't know many single people. But, God I'm bored! I never turn down an invite because usually by the time the invite comes I am desperate to get out of the house. I do know a guy that owns a sports bar here but isn't it kind of desperate for women to go to the bar alone? Or is it just me? I guess it's just hard to get out there and met people when you're a greenhorn! LOL
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 09:59 am
NO NO NO, It isn't desparate especially if you know the owner. I was too scared to go to the karaoke bar in my neighborhood coz I was embarrassed to sit alone. Wasted a whole year. Then I just sucked it up and barged in.
Met a great bunch of women. Now I go every weekend. No fear, no prisoners, just DO it.
If it sucks you can leave--no harm no foul. But my guess is you will meet some great people and not sit by yourself for very long. Especially if you like sports.
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 10:36 pm
I can so relate to how you feel! Finding yourself single after many years of being married or in a relationship can seem daunting - if not downright scary! Most of us have felt like that at one time or the other.
The trick I think is to not look at singles activities as a way of meeting a man for a possible relationship, but just as a way of meeting other singles - both men and women, for the purposes of friendship and fellowship.
If you can join some clubs and groups alligned with your interests, that's always a good start. Now is the time to take a good look at the activities you do belong to, and analyse them to see if they have the potential to meet other singles. Many clubs don't and you need to be quite logical about this. You need to be around people and places where you have a higher potential of meeting other singles, so if your present circles aren't doing that, try to get some new ones that will.
I can appreciate the fact that you feel nervous about dating sites. I find that it helps not to take dating sites too seriously. Yes, it's possible you might meet Mr Right on a dating site, however the chances are you won't. It's a forum you can use to practice being with men that's all. In this regard, it's almost like free dating therapy! If you go out with the intention of spending an hour or so practicing your "relating to a man" skills, no matter how the date goes, you'll soon start feeling more sure of yourself, and the jitters won't be such a bother...
And pretty soon, one day you'll be giving this same message of hope and confidence to another woman!
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 10:14 pm
Trace,
You're so right. Though after reading your post, I have realized just how dull my life is. I have no real activities that encourage me to get out and do something fun. I go to school online, so I don't meet anyone there. Also, I live in a relatively small city....okay, it's not that small, but it seams that everything is geared toward couples and families. I'm not going bowling by myself that's for sure. I did think of taking Salsa classes or something...if there is such a thing here. I hope I don't have to bring my own partner and I hope that Ricky Martin is the instructor! :)
I guess I'm just not sure where to start. This town is just big enough that I may run into no one that I know, but its just small enough that I will run into someone I know that is thinking..."oh how pathetic. She's here alone." I know I just have to bite the bullet and get out, but you are correct...it is very daunting!
Thanks for your words of hope though! I soooo need to hear it!
Thu Nov 05 2009 - 01:41 pm
..."oh how pathetic. She's here alone." Get over it.
What about that sports bar. Have you barged in there yet?
Mon Nov 09 2009 - 12:28 am
You've got a wonderful opportunity now to design the sort of life you've always wanted, so start making a list now of all the things you've always wanted to try (but were held back from doing in the past due to being in relationship).
Salsa lessons are a great idea! I do Ceroc myself, and I've met lots of wonderful single men (and women) through that. Plus, it's given me more confidence in myself and far more opportunities socially.
I find that it helps if you don't look at the whole singles thing as being a gigantic project. Just do one thing at a time, and go at your own pace. You'll be amazed at how much opportunity there is for singles once you start looking into what's available,
And if you don't find something that quite fits for you, don't give up! Just go on with the next.
Watch your inner conversation. You can either choose to look at things negatively, or you can choose to adopt a positive spin on things. For example, "How pathetic. She's here alone" might be better off being dropped in favour of "Wow! I am a woman of mystery, and I take charge of my own life"
Surround yourself with positive people who uplift you, and make you feel good being around.
I wish you well!
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 01:08 am
No not yet. Although, my sister will be in town next weekend, and we are planning a whole host of activities. I did also find a girlfriend (who I thought was married, but is not) at work. She and I hit it off from the start and went to a wine festival. Not really any single guys to speak of, but it was a great time. I think it's some of that support system that I've been hearing so much about.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 01:16 am
That is great advice. I spent the latter part of my marriage letting him make me feel bad about just almost everything I said or did. I never felt good about myself because he talked down to me a lot.
I refuse to be that little person again. I WANT to be surrounded by people who make me feel good about being me. Hell, even if that's just me, then I guess that's okay too. I Have been going to the gym and that helps tremendously. This is the first time in years that I've gone long enough to see results. Results always make you feel good! When we think we look better, we automatically feel better, right?
I am going to start my list right now!!! Salsa is going to take some doing though, since I have my son on the one night a week that they teach class. I will also try to take baby steps with the whole "singles thing". You're right, I have been looking at it like some horrible haunted house that I have to go through.
Thanks so much (to all of you) for the great advice!
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