Hi Casey ... what exactly are your objections to him going on the cruise? Maybe if you get very specific about your objections (I mean, to yourself, not to him right yet), you'll have a better idea of what to tell him.

Casey,

You are right. It should come from him, not from you. I am unsure of why is he asking what you think about it? He is not just telling you he is going but asking you if you are OK with him going. At this point he knows it's not OK to do this, hence asking for your approval so you can't say later this was not the right thing to do. So, all and all I wouldn't bring it up in any way, not in any way. If and when he asks or brings it up, just say:
" You will do what you feel is right by you. I am not excited about you going on a cruise without me. It's like going on vacation separate ways. I am not going to tell you not to go, but I am not going to hide that I don't feel good about it."
Then don't say anymore. If he doesn't say anything, still don't say anymore. If he start talking and justifying it, don't get in argument. If you have to say something, just keep saying: " I don't feel good about it". Don't give reasons, don't try to explain yourself....He is asking, that's his answer. You are not telling him what to do but you are not giving him OK to do it.
That's what the smart women who write books say to do.. just be careful not to get into explanations and arguments.
Hope this helps. Let me know what happens.

Hi Pandora,

Thanks for your comment ... I guess I'm trying to figure out myself what my objection would be. He's a great guy and he's given me no reason to distrust him ... so it's not that.

He obviously values our relationship enough to care how I feel about him going so that's a good thing.

I guess I just object to being put in the position of giving or withholding "permission". If he really wants to go, he should go ... if I object, he will only feel deprived and resent me. If he really does not want to go, he shouldn't go ... but it should be his choice ... not mine.

I guess all I can do is ask him what dates he won't be around ... I will want to make some plans of my own ... after all, it's the holiday season.

Thanks again for your input Pandora.

Caseyduf

Hi Buits,

Your comments came while I was typing. I see what you are saying.

I probably said something to the effect that "I don't care" ... and of course that's not true ... I just didn't want his decision to be my burden ... and I guess I was annoyed that he would even have to ask me how I feel about it.

The response you suggest would have been so much better ... if he decided to go ... he would do so knowing I am not OK with it ... chances are he would pass on the trip rather than see me unhappy.

So the answer is not to "object" but to express how "I" feel in an honest way ... and then let him decide what to do.

Boy ... I still have a lot to learn.

Thank you ... I'll let you know what happens.

Caseyduf

I think you should let him make his own decision about the trip and try to act like you cool with it. If your girlfriends got a great deal on a cruise and asked you to join them, you may go along just a week of relaxing and have fun with them wouldn't you? I know that when you think of going on a cruise you think romantic and wouldn't it be great to go away with your bf. However, if you act like the super cool girlfriend that you are and let him make up his own mind....eventually the two of you will be planning those types of trips together all the time.

The one thing I've learned is you can't control what anyone else does; only how you react to what they do. If he is considerate of your feelings in every other way and you are happy, just go with that. Plan a fantastic week for yourself if he goes away and then revisit how you feel when he gets back. He will probably have a miserable time without you anyway.

You don't want to feel as if he is resenting you for voicing objections about him going away. That is just not a good feeling! Men just want to feel like they are hanging on to their independence still. Wish him a bon voyage and tell him to have fun!!

Good luck,
Margaret

Hi girls,

Thanks for all the good advice.

I really don't think I have to say anything ... he's already totally guiltridden ... why do I think so? read on ...

When we exchanged our usual a.m. email last Friday ... he mentioned the offer to go on the cruise ... my only response was ... "it sounds like a great price ... when is the cruise and where does it go?" I made no other comment ... pro or con ... and just went on to chat about my plans for the day.

On Saturday a.m. I awoke and found this email from him ... "I haven't received my morning message ... are you peeved at me for something? ... is there something bothering you? ... are you upset about anything?

What makes this so funny is that he sent the message to me at 6:45 a.m. I wasn't even awake yet ... let alone peeved or upset ... but I guess he must have had a sleepless night ... don'cha think?

So I don't need to guilt him in any way ... he's doing a great job all by himself.

Love you all.

Caseyduf

Hey Caseyduf

First may I say that it sounds like this guy does take you seriously and is concerned about your feelings, and that things are going well.

Second - in order to repond to your thread I have tried putting myself in your guy's shoes. I'm going to play devil's advocate here and offer a slightly different perspective.

You mention that you guys have 'recently' become exclusive/committed, and that you have (only) known him for several momths. For me, the 'recently' thing would be quite significant; if I were in the very stages of a relationship and the opportunity for something like a really good vacation (at a silly price) came up, I would actually be a little offended if my 'partner' tried to make me feel guilty about going. Sure, I would like him to show a little saddness at the idea of being without me, but I think that part of caring about or loving someone is to allow them to grow and take up valuable opportunities.

In your situation, I would say something like, 'Hey, I think you've realised that I'm uncomfortable about you going away because I'll miss you, but maybe you could make it up to me by taking me on vacation sometime soon?' (and of course make sure he follows through!)

Yes, you hand him the rope and watch him lasso his own self with no help from you. Remember he will be just as worried about what you are doing while he is gone as you are about what he is doing. You may not want him to go and that is natural but look at the big picure. Independence is healthy in a relationship and like said above I would so enjoy a cruise with the girls. If he does go, he will miss you and when he returns, he will probably step it up a notch. Missing one another is a good thing.

I tend to view this the same, I would be suspicious if someone tried to make me feel guilty about doing something without him. This would be maybe not a dealbreaker for me, but I would be uncomfortable. I think its polite that he asked your opinion but it seems he's looking for maybe just a slight bit of drama in seeking out if your mad at him, as of why he didnt hear a email from you. I only say this because it seems your guys have only been exclusive recently. It seems new for that much commitment-My vision of a relationship is trust and thats really important to me and if a man was going to make me feel guilty or show any resentment about my taking a trip with my friends, it would make me uncomfortable. I would see him as possessive and controlling. I always believe in having things in common yet its also healthy to spend time without them, standing on your own. But thats just me, which is from my life experiences.
Theres always two sides to a story right..I would think oh so if I say something, does that mean I wouldnt be able to take a trip with one of my friends, even if the cost wasnt in the bargain?

It sounds to me like it is too soon for you both to know how you relate to each other as a committed couple. If this is a very recent thing his buddies probably didn't even know you two stepped up your relationship as of when they invited him.

I would ask him straight out. What do YOU want? Do you want to go on this thing or not? If the answer is yes, then wish him bon voyage and you'll see him when he gets back. If you express a desire for him not to go he will:

a) resent you if he wants to go
b) if he does not want to go he will tell his buddies that you won't let him. They will resent you and tell him all about it.

Make him take responsibility for his own decision and you take responsibility for how you feel about it without dumping it on him.

I know--easier said than done.

Hi THETAbabe! I am in such a state of mind that I don't what state that's in.
I'm feeling LOVE (big time), confusion????? (rinse and repeat).

Help...., theta, wise.. is it the upcoming Holidays -or- is it some intuitive Twilight-zoney moment!?!
Whatever IT IS... IT'S huge.

aUDS,
xoxox

Oh yes it is the Holidays. You Yankee Doodles have a big one coming up don't you? Is that this weekend?

We had ours a month ago. Halloween really kicks off the holiday season for us. Canadian Thanksgiving isn't as big a deal as yours but we do have a big din din.

Where has 2009 gone?

Theatm you asked:
Where has 2009 gone?

Top Down the toilet, thata:(

Can you come here for the Holidays -or- at least least keep in touch!?!
Auds
xoxox

I believe the truth is the best policy, always. If you don't like him going, you should let him know but I agree that you should not try to control him or guilt him. It's always good idea to let the person know how you feel. It's call sharing yourself. If you don't let him know how you feel about one thing or another, before you know he will have completely different idea about who you are. You want him to know you and the way to do that is to share yourself with him. Let him know how you feel. No games.

I think Margaret hit the nail on the head... if the same thing happened to you would YOU not go on the cruise? How would you feel if he made you feel guilty about it?

And in all honesty, what is the big deal about him going? He'll be back in a week tops, right? Let him go.... miss you while he's gone... and come back a new and improved man :)

You really have nothing to lose by letting him go and everything to lose by acting uptight about it.

This may be a test on his part to see how you react and see how much you want to "take away his freedom". Don't fail the test :)

I agree with Aimee only if Casey really doesn't care if he is going. The problem with following other's advise when you don't feel that way is that you are not sharing yourself with the person you love. You are not letting them know how you feel. When you don't let the man you love how you feel, you are doing yourself disservice. If he loves you, he is not loving the real you. If he falls out of love it's all the same. Either way you lose. The only way to be sure someone loves you for you is to let them know who you are.
If your actions are motivated by fear of losing him, you are not loving. You either fear or love. Can't do both.

Casey,

I always come from a place of trust. I always ask myself first,"Is this my own insecurity or ego, or has this person given me a reason not to trust them?" And if the answer is it's my own insecurity, then I won't tempt fate. I go with the flow. I always trust a person until they've given me reason to do otherwise. Sounds like he's sensing your insecurity by his email. If you relax, and don't insinuate any guilt into the situation, you'll be rewarded. He'll realize what a "cool" woman you are and appreciate you that much more. Don't worry; sounds like you have his heart and most men don't give that so easily.

best

I think the bottom line is are you secure with him going? If you are then that is great. If you are not, well ask yourself why not? Like buits said it is about being true to yourself. Hopefully this would not breed insecurity in you, but if it does then by all means share it with him an a matter of fact non threatening way. I would be secure with it, maybe a bit uncomfortable, but secure none the less. I would be thinking long term satisfaction of when he returns and how great it would be after the missing period. Instant gratification with him staying to please me is not always the answer. I seek long term satisfaction and that takes time and patience and trust.

And how you can stregthen a relationship by showing trust? Very much and that is long term satisfaction. HOw good would it feel if he trusted you and wanted you to do what made you happy and still welcomed you with open arms when you return. That is a man that is present for you just the way you are. Wow!

I agree with all of the above posts Casey.

As long as he has not given you a reason to trust him, say "have fun! see you when you get home !" and let him do his own thing.

It will probably go a LOOONGG way in keeping a good thing going, and he def. is not going to see you as someone who hampers his freedom.... That's MAJOR ! :)

This could be a lesson in "if you love someone set them free"

Hi Ladies,

So many of the things you say ring true to me ... my last relationship was with a jealous possessive man who suffocated me and ultimately drove me away ... so finding a man like this one is so refreshing to me.

While we are close and love spending time together ... we both also have friends and interests apart from each other ... and I never feel guilty about spending time doing "my" thing. On the other hand he seems to carry some fleas from previous relationships and sometimes burdens himself with inappropriate guilty feelings.

Even though I did not give any indication that I objected to his taking the cruise ... it was HE who sent me a panicky email at 6:45 a.m. because HE was feeling guilty ... assuming I would be upset. I know I have the power to capitalize on his built-in guilt but in the long run that would not be a healthy thing for either of us.

I do believe he is totally into me ... and I do trust him ... so if he decides to go ... as you all suggest ... I'll see him off with a smile and do my own thing till he returns.

If I have any negative feelings about him going ... that is my issue to work on with myself ... truly if the shoe were on the other foot I would not want to be made to feel guilty and would resent him for it.

Thank all for sharing your thoughts with me.

Caseyduf

Hi Caseyduf,
Sounds like you've got it all under control and that you are in a healthy relationship; and it will take your man a little time I guess to trust that you are one "super cool" gf.

All the best!
Margaret

Oh! Goddesses margaret, casey... I'm so pleased, grateful and smiling that we are all communicating.
I feel very grateful:)))

You need to CAP your first letter in your names!!!
Auds
xoxox