AUDS RE: swiss miss

SM's response dated Sept 23, 2009 (my dad's B-day, btw):
Auds,

I thought you were completely over him? You've certainly sounded totally sorted (and more coherent) of late, although I admit that, without a dedicated thread, I haven't seen you mention him recently. If not you must be doing a brilliant job of compartmentalising?

"A girl in every port". He's a world traveller (due to his job). Men are programmed to spread their seed far and wide, it's only the societal set-up including it's widely pre-agreed rules of conduct that stops this more base urge - the first-hand family/close friend one as well as the peer one and, finally, the general one - all with their explicit and implicit, clear-cut rules regarding what's acceptable and what's not.

He lacks this set-up - due to his being almost constantly on the move. He can spread himself around, it's known he long has it in him, ergo WHY *WOULDN'T* HE?

Cohabitation or not - a partnership happens in the heart/head and if he was still seeing her as her boyfriend and, she believed, exclusively, then cheater is what he was/is. I don't believe that ordinarily you're an aider and abetter in that way, not since you "took umbrage" rather than felt perfectly justified and illustrated such accordingly and ballsily (which too many 'professional' mistresses do wholeheartedly). I believe you got sucked in due to the traumas you'd suffered which had left you and your powers of judgement impaired.

Right Person (or potential to be), Right Place, Wrong Time (definitely wrong time!).

To take advantage of another's low period like that for the power of selfish good only - i.e. knowingly to the actual *detriment* of the person concerned meanwhile, both in the short- and long-term - IS slimey. It's underhanded, mercenary and coldhearted by total denial of the consequences of one's actions. Or are you now telling me he had no clue of your then-recent traumas?

1. If I find out that he'd spent those Holiday weeks in the Bahamas with "wife"

He is not the sole initiator and decision-maker in that relationship so why WOULDN'T she expect and insist on going with him??? How could he justify NOT inviting her, let alone not taking her??? Why wouldn't *he* WANT to? Think about all the ramifications.

And how would you be able to find out one way or the other anyway?

2. If he'd been co-habitating

He comes and goes due to his professional travels. How could you know if he was or even semi was? How would SHE even be able to tell the difference in that situation...irrespective that he still keeps his own pad? He might tell her he keeps it due to some business reason (clearly he executes work there).

3. Lying by omission to have the "best of both worlds"
Then he's a slimy b--d. All he's done, from what I know, is that he conducted business at HIS home with her.

Think of all the things you now know but didn't back then - and which of those he told you willingly.

Why WOULDN'T he want the best of both worlds when it's entirely practicable???? ...particularly when he can account for any absences under the excuse of his profession and its globe-trotting nature.

ISN'T IT ENOUGH SIMPLY THAT SHE BELIEVES SHE'S HIS LONG-TERM, EXCLUSIVE GIRLFRIEND AND HE IS AWARE OF THAT FACT?

We don't fall in love according to logic and logistics, just pure and necessarily irrational emotions, so it matters not how you rationalise and justify; they're separate entitites. Unfortunately, however, logic and logistics, their ramifications, can still IMPACT on our emotions and affect our self-esteem, particularly if you DO believe in and adhere to the societal No-Nos regarding pair-bonded couples' conduct. If you do when, evidently, he doesn't, you and the man will have a fundamental and significant difference in attitude towards life, meaning zero morals in common or a massive discrepancy in their levels, and this would prove a highly self- and union-destroying incompatibility that no amount of chemistry could ever compensate for.

Like you said to Tork: Chemistry + *Trust*. You may not 'mind' being the mistress - or may not feel able to AFFORD to heed the ramifications of being a mistress - but how would you feel being - as you inevitably would become - the betrayed 'spouse'?????

But you've never experienced a free and unfettered relationship with him so you've never had the opportunity to realise that, again, in this respect you're from different planets, speaking different day-to-day languages, and it couldn't, wouldn't work given exclusivity.

So that leaves dealing with the emotions thus putting them well and truly to bed.

You know this already so - Why? Why does your source of thing-getting power (emotions) keep charging you up to go after and get this thing instead of switching off? Because when that ignition to the Getting Vehicle's engine is no longer required, switch off is definitely what it does. Why hasn't it switched off due to a realisation of the past-planned journey's futility, or reorientated towards the direction of another man or even the mere idea of another man?

Does this J represent your ideal half relationship in terms of either direct or by-default emotional distance? And is that a 'facility' that only he represents simply because you've no other experiential-based conception of there being other men in your reach who could and would happily provide that? ...like Jimbo or Simon?

I say that because Like Attracts Like (personality AND circumstance AND lifestyle desires in common) even on this board.

I suggest if I've raised any issues you copy/paste our three-part exchange into a dedicated thread.

Truthfully, I don't think you're a million miles away from getting that badge because - glaringly indicatively - you, as opposed to the necessarily self-deluded and determined mistress-by-choice, were open even to CONSIDERING he could be slimey. ;-)

xoxo

Robin, Thank you for your response. I spoke with my GF in Munich yesterday and we had a laugh because swiss miss left my B-day message in two languages. So, I said,"U" need to be here because you can speak the same two languages and I respect and value your opinion.

Here in the US: no one can follow his messages all the way through... and it was loooong.
I can't hear or remember.
They can't understand.
And you are over THERE.

I told her that and we cracked up...she said that the Economic crunch is still affecting everyone and private business is shakey.
Auds
xoxox

Ariac,thank you for your pre-reply before you go to that great weekend event! "I really don't know what to say but OUCH!"

"Can I ask a couple of questions -
1) did you ever tell him about your illness?
NO, he doesn't know.

2) You said in your second post that you and him had gotten together like ye were when ye first met.

YES, WHEN HE CALLED ME that Easter and left a message",It's you're Easter bunny calling."
I replied by phone and spoke to him,"Apparently, you don't know what's going on.... I need you here NOW.
He came over late that night. We had SEX. He drew me a bath. He took care of my mom while I went food shopping. he stayed for three days.

Did he disappear at all throughout that before he went away?
NO. He told me about his family and asked to see pics of BF's, called me whenever he could but was out of range most times.
I asked him would he be with me more if he could. OF COURSE, h
he replied.

Has he ever explained why he left again since?
He needed to make a business decision and time to think and I was outta control at the time. He came back Jan 8, 2008 and I have no recollection of what took place. I was taumatized.

When I called two days later he said that I verbally bashed him.
He said he was off to Japan and that we'll talk... never said when.
We never got that chance.

He tried, in person, but we kept missing each other. On more than one occasion. Last contact, was a cellphone call and he spoke to my GF because I was DRIVING my car - have no bluetooth.

Final ques: how long you want to wait for him to make you his priority?
Until I get an answer from him or I meet someone new that will "blow up my skirt". Thst's when I make a conscious love decision.

So your answer is OUCH! Just grrrrr-eat! lol

btw, "bloody fantastic" - an honorable man!
he cooks, he cleans, held off on sex, did not push...
Is there such a thing as a sheep in pig's clothing?

There's a little chapel on Mt. Rigi in Lucerne, do you know it?
And I'll place one of the pearl necklace's he gave me in there IF I NEED TO. It's either that or we walk in there together. That's the DEAL.
Auds
xoxox

ITM, thanks for your question. Hope you don't mind reading through from the top to answer mine.
Auds
xoxoxox