Are you the same guy??
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 10:57 pm
I've posted on here before and ended up with some really good insight so I figured I would try it again :) I dated this guy for about 3 months and he ended it abruptly about 4 months ago. His reason then? He couldn't be in a serious relationship and he felt like I wanted more. During our 3 months together we developed a stronger emotional relationship more than anything, we both were coming out of bad realtionships and leaned on each other a lot for support, looking back we were probably rebounds for each other. Even though it ended we decided that the deep friendship we developed wasn't worth throwing away so we agreed not to stay strangers. Over the past 4 months we've talked on the phone once and texted a handful of times but nothing more than to say "Hey, just popping in to say hi" and that would be it. I've had no idea what he's been up to and he didn't know anything about my personal life either. Well, a few weeks ago he called me out of nowhere. It was a Friday night and he was going to meet some friends for drinks and asked if I wanted to go - I said yes. I went with no expectations, I hadn't really thought about it until that moment but I had actually MISSED talking to this guy so I figured I would show up, stay for a few hours, catch up and then leave. We ended up staying until the bar closed, even after all his friends had gone. Neither one of us shut up, talking and laughing the whole time. We went our seperate ways and I left feeling great that we had the chance to catch up. I found out that he had dated someone during this time and so had I but those relationships had ended for both of us. He got ahold of me again the following Thursday and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said sure. Once again we talked non-stop about everything and anything and spent the last few hours of the night dancing and singing like fools in my living room. I'll admit things were flirty and there were sparks everywhere but no sex took place. He then asked me out again on Saturday. He invited his sister's and a few friends and once again we spent the night having a BLAST! That night he spent the night and sex DID happen....but by the way things had been going I knew it was going to. This is NOT the same guy I knew 4 months ago. I have had more fun with him the last 3 times I've seen him than in the 3 months we were together. We have talked about everything BUT our sob stories or about past realtionships. This time he has initiated all contact where before I felt like I was the one who was pursuing him. The guy 4 months ago would not have sung at the top of his lungs in my living room or danced with me for hours on the dancefloor. The guy 4 months ago NEVER invited me to do things with his friends. He seems like a completely different and better person than before. We have not discussed our break-up. I have been enjoying this new person so much that I feel like it can just be left alone. We have also not discussed what is going on between us now. I feel like he's more into me now than before, in fact he just texted me so I had to stop writing for a minute. I have been a little nervous because I started with no expectations and now I'm falling for him again. I think I've been doing the right thing and just playing it cool - letting him come to me, and really I think it's because I'm scared. This has all caught me off guard. In my experiences - guys never come back! Am I doing the right thing? Am I setting myself up for heartbreak all over again? Is it ok that we haven't talked about what may be going on between us? Am I headed down the the path of trying to rush things again? Who is this guy?!!!????
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 04:03 am
I have been a little nervous because I started with no expectations and now I'm falling for him again. I think I've been doing the right thing and just playing it cool - letting him come to me, and really I think it's because I'm scared. This has all caught me off guard.
Maybe this is why it's going so well? That your lack of expectations is somehow attractive to this guy. Maybe he got scared the last time, because you were too much in control? Whatever, it seems to be doing the trick, so keep on letting him come to you. It is his job to reassure you, ok? He is the one who still needs to prove by his actions that he is ready for a relationship. I don't think it has to be brought up by you. But at some point, his intentions will become clear, e.g. when he's comfortable with his family knowing that you are back together.
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 06:24 am
Hi Emily, things are going really well for the both of you:)
It appears that four months made a huge difference in your relationship between the first time you met, the chemistry that was and still is there. He dated others and yet came back to you.
Apparently you didn't bring up the past hurt from him and, as you said, had no expectations. That was a great relief for him and turns out to be a great reward for you. You handled it very well.
Wish you lots of luck with this man. He seems to know a good thing when he sees it:)))
Auds
xoxox
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 07:05 am
Hi Emily,
He is the same guy without the added pressure of being in a relationship with you and treating you like a friend.
Not wanting to rain on yoru parade, but he hasn't said he wanted to resume a relationship with you, he has invited you out with his friends and sister, introduced you as a friend and basically had a good time with you as a friend. In essence you slept with him after 3 non dates when you haven't seen him for what 3-4 months and now find yourself starting to fall for him all over again?
Since you haven't communicated about the relationship and you slept with him, he is still thinking you are a friend, he is not going to leave that zone because he feels you understand, he told you 4 months ago he was not ready for a serious relationship, it still applies 4 months later if new conversation hasn't been had regarding what has now developed, he is going to stick with the old mindset.
I wouldn't bring up the issue about defining the relationship, because there is nothing to define, he didn't lead you on, just invited you out as one of the "buds," nor is the element of dating present, he didn't state he misses you and wanted to give it another shot. I would not be so available when he comes around especially if he only wants to be with your while he has buffers (friends and family) surrounding him, makes it a bit awkward for you being with him, yet not being with him, he is not giving you the attention he would give his lady, you just become one of the crowd.
Yes, you are setting yourself up for a hard fall if you are thinking this is the start of a beautiful relationship if he doesn't say that is what he wants, it'll turn into a onesided relationship, your side only.
My 7 cents!
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 05:48 pm
7 cents.....love it! ;) All of these comments seem to combine to make up my current mindset. I'm so back and forth about this whole thing. He has stated that he misses me and knowing him this "no communicating" about what's going on between us is his way of just seeing where it goes...I was figuring maybe he didn't want to put too much pressure on what might be a good thing developing. When he invited me out with his family and friends I took it as a good sign because that didn't happen before, I took it as maybe he wanted their opinion of me, to see how we would all interact together. I never thought about the other side of it and maybe they were just a "buffer" - this is why I love this sight, so many perspectives - we did spend the one evening alone together, the night he came over to my house but no, it wasn't a "date" He did say last night that he wanted to start watching this show together again - one we used to watch together all the time before, I was once again caught off guard by that statement, but once again took it as a good sign. On one hand I am scared that he won't state what he wants but for now that's ok with me because I am enjoying myself but on the other hand I do feel like something should be said eventually - even if it's down the road - or I will end up getting hurt. I will need to know eventually how deep his feelings are especially if my feelings start growing stronger. At this point all I have to make my decisions on is what happended before and how it happended (me feeling like I was chasing him and the feeling of him being distant) and how things are happening now (him seemingly showing true interest and the fact that we have so much fun together) Am I confused? Yes! Am I scared? Yes! But like I said....it's different than before, and it's a good different. For now I will continue to just sit back and let him keep coming to me....see how things play out. I was hurt by him before so I'm going to have faith that I would know to walk away if I see the potential to get hurt again. OH! And OF COURSE he knows a good thing when he see's it!! Haha :)
Tue Mar 16 2010 - 07:57 pm
Hey Emily,
Smoke signals (a sign) went out the window when modern technology came onto the scene, remember they no longer throw pebbles at the window to get a woman's attention, smiles.
I see where you are coming from and understand the past is in the past, but you are now different, you are not the same wounded bird that is trying to flap your wings, you were given strenght when he hurt you before.
Now I am just saying, already he is planning the night wanting to watch a t.v. show you "used" to watch, if'n it was me, no same routine as it was before, that is what probably caused his boredom. This is your time to say nay, been there done that, or course without malice, if he is back, set new rules, new boundaries. Look me in the eye and tell me although watching t.v. with him back when was good, it became a little mundane, tell me I am wrong?
Yeah, you are confused, lol!!
Just remember the "friend zone" even if he is doing all the rowing, giving the appearance of all is falling into place with you and him, do not allow yourself to be shuffled along like blind sheep, help him, guide him into the relationship you want to have and the man you need him to be.
One way is by not being so accommodating, let him work at winning you back.
Good luck, keep up posted.
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