An appropriate response to him being late (Again)
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 01:00 pm
The guy I've been seeing about 2 months now - things are going pretty well (see my post about me gushing :) ) - he's really sweet/considerate and is taking me seriously. We see each other about 2-3x a week.
However, he has a problem with being late every now and then (not always) - something that I cannot stand. He was working late last night in my area doing a dinner program for some clients (he's a sales rep), and he texted me around 11:30pm at night to see if I was up and I texted back "yes, just got back from the gym! :)" and he said he'd like to come over. I responded with "Sure, but I am about to just go to bed and have to wake up early tomorrow." He said "give me 20. I'll read you a bed-time story". Around 12:15, I texted him saying I was sleepy. I did not text how annoyed I was or that I wish I had just told him that it was late and we can see each other later. 15 minutes later, he called and apologized, saying he got held up chatting with the clients and that he's about to get his car now. I figured it would then take him another 20-30 minutes to get to my place, so I just said "I am really tired and sleepy and need to be up in about 6 hours so tonight is probably not good." My voice probably sounded a little quiet/reserved as I wasn't happy. He seemed disappointed (I think?) but agreed and I hung up the phone. I refrained from the urge to call him back and let him know exactly how rude/inconsiderate I thought he was. He texted me a 10 minutes later saying "I am sorry about being late. I really wanted to see you. :("
I haven't responded, but I think at this point a talk about him being late is necessary. Based on his last text and our phone conversation, I think he knows that I am not very happy (right?). If he brings it up with me, I was just going to say something like "I think you are very considerate and I really wanted to see you that night, but being late is my pet-peeve, and I don't think that being more than an hour late is very considerate, especially that late at night. I just wish I could be informed if you plan to be that late." What do you think?
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 01:43 pm
I just skimmed through your gushing thread and I think for a huge part you have a winner. You may need to just chill a bit. He sounds like a good guy who is really into you.
I get irked too when people do not respect my time so I do understand. However no one is perfect. I think he really did want to see you but was a bit unrealistic as to how long he was going to be. Some people just have no sense of time.
If you jump on this flaw, a couple of things may happen. He may do it more just to assert his rightness about it and it will be a constant thorn in your side, or he may consider you too high maintenance and start pulling away.
Should you put up with chronic lateness? No. You are a professional woman and your time is valuable. However I strongly advise you pick your battles. Late at night when you are tired and grumpy anyway is not a good time to make a date. Next time politely tell him you would prefer to make it another time when you can give him your undivided attention.
Let him know POLITELY AND CALMLY that your time is precious and that he needs to make every effort to be on time, or text you if he is held up. Let him know that you do appreciate all the things he HAS done right. If he is a professional man as well, he should understand that time is a precious commodity you won't get back.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 01:58 pm
T.C.G.....if this is a BIG pet peeve...I would bring it to him but in a not so dramatic way. He does seem like a great guy so you don't want to push him away...but you have to feel comfortable in the relationship too and knowing that he might be late every or every other date is going to have you on pins and needles and coming across as being very upset!
The only thing I would do is wait until he is late again and at that time allow him to come over (if you all are going out to a restaurantt,movie, or concert or wherever) and just have on sweats and say very nicely that you can't deal with being over an hour late as much as he has been and that you would need some type of consideration on his part to be on time....I would give him the option of texting if he will be late, b/c guess what...you will be getting a whole lot of text messages that he will be late and even though thats nice every blue moon, it won't be to you b/c you HATE a person that is late! So after a while of considerate text you will be right back where you started...CONCERNED, CONFUSED, FRUSTRATED AND PISSED!
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 02:47 pm
Just ask him is this normal for him. He will probably ask you why you asked. Then the floor is yours, but don't be critical. You can just say I was wondering if it was something I's supposed to get used to. Don't get into a conversation. Drop it fast, he will know you noticed, then see if the behavior continues.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 05:00 pm
OK, so I stay cool, calm, collected (which I've done so far during this situation and through the course of our 2 month dating spree - never raised my voice and if I got cross, I took time off and then got back to him). And ONLY if he brings it up OR if it happens again, I calmly say something like "Is this normal for you to generally show up almost an hour late?"
I still haven't texted him back...he usually texts me while I am at work during the day but hasn't today. Should I text back? Or wait? ...I think I should wait...let the wondering bubble for him a little.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 05:09 pm
wow...an hour late...that is pushing it. I thought you were talking maybe 15 or 20 minutes.
Being in the artistic field many of my friends are on another planet..parking cars on Mars and really have no idea of how long things do take. I am one of the few artistes that I know that actually do have a sense of time.
Trust me, the more I badgered them about it the worse it got. Is your guy a professional like yourself?
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 05:25 pm
Yea, he's got a professional day job too, but is a musician at heart. If it was 15-20 min, I would have been mildly pissed, but he's been late 2x like this (about an hr). And I can understand getting held up b/c of work commitments, but he should have at least let me know. I guess next time, I won't accept his offer to drop-in so late (BTW, the last time he did this, it caused the Grrr... thread that you may remember and he didn't end up coming over that night. I told him that I'd been already asleep the next day).
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 05:39 pm
that is starting to be a horse of a different color..A professional should have a very good idea of how valuable time is. If you appeal to that side of him you might get somewhere.
you may still have to decide how important this one is though. If he could cut it down to 10-15 minutes and call if he is going to be later than that, would you be able to meet him half way?
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 05:51 pm
Yep, I always give about a 5-10 minute window anyway - living in NYC - it's tough when you have to rely on the train. :) I think I should express that being so late will not be tolerated.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 06:07 pm
I have taken public transportation for years. Never had a car.
Although things do happen that are unforseen, I generally know how to navigate on the bus, how long it generally takes and how much time to leave myself.
Consistantly being over 30 minutes late without calling or having a very good excuse is not good.
I don't want to poop because he does sound like a good guy and a keeper but I can see why this upsets you.
If a client were an hour late, how much would you charge for a missed appointment?
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 06:19 pm
I agree with you, Theta. That's why I think I need to discuss this with him in a calm manner as Robin suggested. I also know that he's consistently late for other things as well and that's why I think it's part of his personality. To be fair, he hasn't been late on scheduled dates, but he's late after coming from work. So I think if it's a late night after work and he wants to hang out, I should either 1) tell him that it's too late to hang out and save myself the hassle OR 2) he should text me to let me know if he'll be late.
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