Am I ready?

I was dating a guy on and off because of long distance for the last 3 years. We hadn't dated for very long before he had to go back to school so we both decided to "play it cool" and keep in touch while he was away (following Paiges advice the whole time and keeping busy which is how I always live). But before he left (the first time) I fell madly in love with him making it incredibly hard to not be with him and deal with that while he was away. I was visiting him about a year and half later (three days before I went backpacking through Europe by myself) and he said he loved me. It was the best day ever and I am still so in love with him today. He ended up visiting me in Europe for a month and half and after running out of money I came home where he actually ended up as well (our home town). Throughout these years I always had this feeling he was leaving me though; had to leave for work, had to leave for school, going travelling on his own etc. so I never knew and he never told me when we could really be together.

We were dating exclusively at this time and it has now been about 9 months. Something happened to me though when we started dating exclusively and I feel like it was a fear of loosing my independence because I now have a boyfriend. I got really depressed and am now just bouncing back into the swing of things. There were a lot of changes in every aspect of my life at this time as well but I would say having a boyfriend was the biggest one. As well, he just isn't that into me because he feels like he needs to leave for work but has never once sat me down and said "this is what I need to do, how are we going to make this work between us?" I think that is a necessary conversation and he cant just assume that I'm going to be fine with him always leaving and me not waiting...but thinking about us and when we can be together when he is ready.

Point of the story is, I broke up with him because I deserve someone who loves me and wants to include me in their life. He has said that he doesn't love me mostly because I'm not the girl I used to be. But the girl I used to be was living her life to the fullest but also holding back emotions and I just can't do it anymore. I feel like we're both in a relationship that we want to be in in five years and we dont want to let it go but we're both not really ready for it right now. What I'm trying to say though is I can't help but think things could have been different if I was different and I can't stop blaming myself for what has happened between us. And, is my fear of loosing independence (which happens with every single guy) a sign that I didn't really love him or that I'm just not ready? Help!

Any suggestions in how I get over this?