Am in a Dilemma!!
Tue Dec 15 2009 - 08:10 pm
Hi Folks,
Am new to all this dating after been split up from my husband of 10yrs for 2yrs now. Had a 7month relationship with someone last year where i displayed alot of needy behaviour and drove him away!!! Am learning slowly but surely how to effectively date and have a fufilling social life, career and also a mum.
I have found myself at a crossroads with a man I have been casually dating for the last 2 and a half months. He also lives about 1 and a half hours drive away from me. I met him on the internet and we spoke for 2 weeks before arranging to meet. We hit it off straight away and after the first date we saw each other the very next day, then due to work commitments on both sides, we didnt see each other for 3 weeks after that, tho he phoned ( I never phoned him, unless he specified it, nor did i initiate texts), then after that it was two weeks, then weekly for a couple of weeks, it has now slowed down and he has cancelled dates twice now due to work commitments, though I saw him for a few hours last week, he texted yesterday to say he had to work this week so had to cancel our plans again! I havent said anything or been negative I have remained calm and said ok, havent been needy or challenged it in anyway! Tho I am now starting to feel that way!!
We spoke on the 2nd date regarding where we saw us going, and I said that I think we should see each other and see how it goes with no expectations ( I really dont want a heavy full on relationship but I do want something more than I have) and I also did say after he cancelled the first time that I didnt want it to be another 3 weeks before I saw him again., to which he replied that he didnt want that either and he loved spending time with me!!
I just feel now that I am really not getting anything out of this but feel I should speak to him regarding it but dont know how to approach this as I dont want to appear needy or controlling! He also said on our 1st date that he tends to attract women that want to marry him or move in after a few weeks so i have constantly been on my guard as to be none of these things....which incidently I dont want, lol!!
He also has a lot of women on his friends lists on his internet sites which is not anyway a problem but some of the messages they leave whilst not suggesting he has been seeing other people do suggest that he is a bit of a flirt and mayb a bit of a player!
I think what has happened is that I have been so laid back and trying to do the right thing I have maybe given the wrong signals out!
His last text tonight said we would "chat soon"....oh and it was me that texted first tonight, bad I know.
Can anyone help.
Kelx
Tue Dec 15 2009 - 10:11 pm
I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong, but you are so concerned about doing everything right with this guy that you are not really being yourself. He may be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If I understand correctly, you are trying to maintain a calm cool exterior while panicking on the inside. I know it is hard since you admit being "needy" However you don't go into exactly what that means. When he says things like 'he attracts women who want to marry him within a couple of weeks" this has you bending backwards proving you are not like that.
Try to relax. It is still very early and you are just peeling back the first layers. Now is a very good time to be too involved with your child and other interests to be particularly worried about him. If he calls he calls. I know--easier said than done.
I am a great believer in matching his level of commitment. If he has lots of friends of the opposite sex, so should you. You don't mention being exclusive. If you haven't discussed it, you aren't. You can get a lot of personal leverage if you don't feel like you have to wait around for him or dance to his tune.
And be yourself. You are fine just as you are. You don't have to pretend things you don't feel or be "cooler" than you are. I am not saying call him 10 times a day but if you are truer to yourself without worrying about what he thinks you will both be happier.
Wed Dec 16 2009 - 07:11 pm
Hi thetababe, thanks for the reply.
You are so right by saying that I am trying to do everything right and I should relax. I suppose I say I am being needy because I want reassurance from him that he likes me, finds me attractive, that he wants to be with me only! I know the only person I can get this from is myself and I am working hard to build up my own confidence by keeping busy with my children, going out with friends and going to the gym and I am busy.....I think the neediness comes from my own problems with self esteem but I am getting there with that!
We havent spoken about being exclusive and I suppose we are only still casually dating.
I am taking your advice by being true to myself and will do what makes me feel good and within my own boundries.
Thank you for your advicexxxx
PS He texted me a joke tonight, I know its not much but shows hes thinking about me!! Oh and I didnt reply :)x ( I will but not till tomorrow)x
Wed Dec 16 2009 - 08:12 pm
Good luck to you. I know that self esteem bug.
There is a certain code of honor, if you like. Part of it is:
Never desire to be liked or admired.
Never need praise, sympathy or approval.
That is a tough one, because we as women have it drilled into our fuzzy little heads that our worth is measured by our attractiveness to men. It isn't. What the above mantras mean is that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of us. Yours is the only opinion that matters about you. You do not have to be perfect to be worthy.
Confidence is about achievement. When you know you are worthy with what you have then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. And guess what? That is when you are most attractive.
Hope that helps.
Wed Dec 16 2009 - 08:32 pm
Hi,
Yeah I get exactly what you are saying and am trying hard to get there!! I need to focus exactly on myself and my needs and like myself for who I am. Its funny how much we let someone else influence our opinions on how we are or what we feel.
I know it isnt really about this guy, I suppose I am using him as an excuse to project negativety on myself! Wow, even looking at it from that angle and I feel better.....i can only control myself and my feelings so why is it I am giving someone else so much power!!
Thank you so much, I feel a bit more empowered!! Even if it doesnt work out then as long, as you say, I am true to myself and do things within my own boundries and what I am comfortable with , then not all dating experiences are negative....its all about learning!!
Thank you so much....I honestly feel so much better and you know what I have made so many plans now for over the holiday season, that I dont really have time for anything else!! Go me lol!!!
Thanks again Kxx
Wed Dec 16 2009 - 08:55 pm
you go girl!! glad to have helped
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 08:12 pm
Hi,
Just thought id update you.....a few days later I got a text from him asking for my address so he could send me a christmas card, which i got and it was lovely.....( hes been so busy that we couldnt meet before xmas, not that i asked, he gave me that information). He then said he would phone but he didnt......didnt hear anything for a week. So i texted him saying id b down in his area over xmas and id left stuff at his, cds and a ring, said id just b nipping in cos i was at a friends, he said he wouldnt b in that date so he would come to mine with it or we could meet another time??? I just replied that id rather he sent it as it would be easier. Never got a reply to that so am assuming he will. Then got a text on xmas day saying happy xmas, enjoy ur day.
I take it is over now....well i have decided it is whether he thinks that or not!!! But no wonder women get so mixed up with the mixed messages and signals men send.....
But what now, if he doesnt send my stuff up then I will have to get in touch again to ask him, I really dont want any contact
Kxx
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 10:08 pm
Kelo, I would take it that the ring is the most important thing..cd's can be replaced...so I would call him NOT TEXT..and say hey (so and so)...you never got back with me about my things...but I need to get my ring when I get there, so you can either meet me someplace since you will not be at home or you can bring it to my friends house, but I need to get it on such and such day, b/c I don't know when I will be back around your area! Or you can say, since you will be out that day, just leave it in the mailbox and I will be over early (beofre the mailman gets there) to get my ring and cd's.
Sun Dec 27 2009 - 01:05 pm
Ye I will do that!!!
I just dont want to see him, cos I know it will hurt!!! And i know now he has someone else...........why couldnt he be straight with me, instead of stringing me along!!
Thanks Kel
Sun Dec 27 2009 - 02:04 pm
I am sorry it didn't work out Kel, but look at it this way--at least he didn't waste any more of your precious time or mess up your head with mixed messages and on again off again attention.
Happy New Year. Happy New Decade! Next.
Sun Dec 27 2009 - 06:10 pm
Yeah I know.....but just as I was away to phone him, he texted me saying my stuff was in his works van which is getting repaired???? so he will arrange a time to bring it to me.....i just texted back that i would rather he sent it up!! I feel like he is being ackward about giving me my stuff back, maybe not , it is just circumstances.
If I havent heard anything within a week i will phone him and arrange a time.
Thanks for your advice.
Kx
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