Abuse and Pregnancy
Tue Sep 22 2009 - 09:21 am
I've been dating this guy for two years now. We've known one another for a little over three. In the two years we've been together we've had what my friends/family called "growing pains". He's 37 and never been married. He is very set in his ways and selfish with a lot of things. It's always his time table and his way. In addition to the selfishness, he is one to be very verbally abusive when he is tired, hungry or stressed out! We've attended counseling and I thought at the time worked through a lot of our struggles. In fact we'd discussed marriage. He talked about a spring wedding for next year. All that "improvement" and talk of a wedding came to a screaching hault when I told him that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. He flipped out and said "There's no way in Hell I'm marrying you like this. I want nothing to do with this. I want to do things the right way... Get married and then get pregnant." I of course, refused the discussion of an abortion. The pregnancy was not planned, but just 1 year and a 1/2 ago I was told due to a battle with "female cancer" I would have a great deal of difficulty having children. This to me was a miracle. For the next three weeks he grew increasingly hostile about the baby. I left and spent a few nights with my sister, he called and begged me to come home and talk. We discussed everything and he seemed better. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and things are back to him screaming horrible abusive things at me and then several hours later acting as if things are fine. He refuses to discuss anything and says I'm just trying to beat it to death. My thought is that we can't improve anything if we don't discuss it and it will just keep happening! My dilema is that I came from a split home and never wanted that for my child. I also know how it is to grow up with an abusive father, and fear that is what this may come to. Help! Thoughts?!?
Tue Sep 22 2009 - 10:01 am
#2
Hi sunsetseeker09
I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately I can't offer much practical advice (though there are many ladies here who may be able to point you in the right direction).
It sounds like you have your head screwed on and are right to question the way he treats you as it is totally unacceptable. My gut reaction would to be leave this man; if he throws his toys out of the pram and gives you abuse at the slightest thing, how on earth is he going to cope with a screaming baby?
That said, it clearly isn't as easy as all that. Not only do you have the issue of small town gossip (may sound trivial to an outsider but bloody nasty when you're the centre of it!) and the idea of a child growing up 'fatherless', but I imagine that - despite his faults - you love this man.
Could you maybe try some sort of compromise - e.g. stay in the relationship but live apart in nearby houses? Maybe with just a little bit of 'space' he'd be able to work through his 'issues' - and the baby would still have a daddy nearby, but if worse came to the worst and you split up for good, with the 'space' in between it would feel like less of a difficult break-up?
Tue Sep 22 2009 - 11:34 am
#3
Hello, Smiler101!
Thank you for the suggestions. I like your idea of the compromise, however he is quite volatile when it comes to discussing anything that is wrong. As I mentioned, he'd rather act like everything is great and not discuss arguments and/or hurtful things said. When I tell him that he hurts me with the things he says and I'm considering moving out and giving us space he'll either fly off the handle and say "then pack up your s*** and get out" or he'll say "we'll work on us, it'll get better". Either way, within a couple of days he's right back to his same old ways. He's an all or nothing type of person and he doesn't want anyone on the outside to think there's a problem- which living seperately would be a big neon sign.
Thanks again for the advice. For now I'm praying a lot about it and hoping for additional advice. The only help I have from family is a mom who tells me that if there's an ounce of love left, don't leave and a younger sister who hates him and urges me to leave every chance she gets!
Fri Sep 25 2009 - 09:08 pm
#4
Sunset,
Wow honey! I just came across your thread, kind of by accident to because I never venture over to this side. But, for some reason I did tonight..
I have experience with abusive men. I married two and was raised by a couple. They do not get better and he will not change unless he wants to and actively seeks help to do it. You need to set your boundaries and you can not let him control you or scare you.
If you know in your heart that he would never touch you and you are not afraid for you life than you need to start setting some strong boundaries and start now before it is too late.
He gets help and actively works on self control and anger management or you leave and never look back. That baby will be way better off with a single mom than he/she ever would in a home where there is abuse. And if he treats you like this, could you imagine him treating your child like that? Would you allow that to happen? And your child watching this?
My childhood memories are filled with nothing but abuse..I don't remember any of the good, only the bad! And a lot of it came from my dads anger and how he treated my mom..
Don't kid yourself on staying with him because of the baby...It is sad to me that your mom would even suggest that you stay with him in the name of "love"....NO no no!
Most men get worse as the relationship continues, not better. So unless he gets help don't plan on this getting easier.
My last relationship, he started off just verbal with lots of anger issues..he couldn't deal with stress at all, work, kids and life..I will keep my story short but the verbal quickly went to physical. The physical started with just a shove to the ground. By the end of our relationship and the last night I spent with him or saw him..he was heading to jail and I was heading to the hosp.
This sounds like a story straight out of trailer park even writing it out here. But, let me assure you that these situations happen across the board. We/he is very educated, upper middle class, I was a business owner..etc..never in a million years did I see this happening!
Get out now before it is too late! Unless he is doing something to help himself don't wait for it to get worse..MY ex finally got anger management courses (court appointed) Don't let it get this far..
There are many support groups for this for women too. Marjorie mason center is one. If you look them up online they gave you some very helpful information in regards to signs of abusive and progressions..I learned a lot from them! It was a real eye opener!!
If you can't find it let me know..I might of spelled their name wrong..
Sat Sep 26 2009 - 09:28 am
#5
Sunset,
Truly, wow would be a way to express here, my heart goes out to you Sunset, hugs.
What other advice could be possibily given in your situation?
You either continue in a very dysfunctional relationship with a man that refuses to get help or admit he has a problem or leave concentrating on delivering a healthy baby in a safe environment filled with love and support.
I know it is not an easy decision to make, but you have to make a decision. I will tell you, you are the most important person in any relationship, no one has the right to make you believe you are not worthy of something better.
Hugs..
Tue Sep 29 2009 - 08:01 am
#6
Dear StrongEnough & EbonneJones,
Thank you both for your last comments posted. I have spent a great deal of time praying about this and obviously waiting on him to change, which will never happen. He refuses to take responsibility and only validates his actions with blaming me.
Last night we had another discussion that he quickly turned into an argument and session of extreme verbal abuse. I went to bed in tears. I have decided that as soon as I find a home for my 2 kitties, I'll also be leaving. I know it will be tough at first, but a necessary step.
To everyone who has given advise... Thank you again for all the support. :)
Tue Sep 29 2009 - 09:54 am
#7
Dear sunsetseeker09,
I too was in an emotionally abusive relationship with somebody who looked incredibly charming, was very well educated (graduated from Yale, had PhD in neuroscience), but when he got angry it was like the worst episode of Jerry Springer show :). I had never had any experience with any form of abuse and I simply couldn't believe my ears at first.
I am so proud of you that you are planning to get out of this relationship, it would only get worse and would have serious longterm negative effect on you and your baby. It was quite difficult for me to leave and I realise that considering your circumstances it is even much much more difficult for you, but you will get your self-respect and peace of mind back and it is worthless!!! Very importantly, you will actually provide a safe environment for your baby if you don't have this source of constant distress in your home.
I am so very very proud of your brave decision. You are inspirational!!!
Good things will happen to you, you'll see!!!
Lots of love,
Wise_until_it_happened_to_me
Mon Oct 05 2009 - 06:50 am
#8
Dear Sunsetseeker09
My heart also goes out to you. Like so many other sisters out there, I to was in a abusive relation, mine was even physical. I also fell pregrant and had a miscarriage and when I look back now, I am grateful that happened. I come from a very close family and was always taught to make things work in a relationship. About 8 months ago, I finally broke off a 12.5 year relationship only because that the abuse did not stop. The verbal abuse just got worse and worse each week. It has taken me sometime but I am now beginning to stand on my own feet. I guess what I am trying to say is that it will be hard but if you really want to have this child and provide him/her with a happy home, then you may have to think about doing it alone which means living your current partner. At the end of the day, you would like your child to be happy and living with your boyfriend may mean not the strength you will need to unconditionally love your child.
Wishing you strength and love
San3
Thu Oct 08 2009 - 04:45 am
#9
How often do you feel hurt, upset or "less than" by this man? Is it just occasional, or are the episodes increasing? If it's increasing (as it can when there's a stress situation that triggers the bad behaviour), then this is not a good sign.
The other thing to look for is - how are his relationships with family and friends? You really need to have a man who is able to sustain good, healthy, functioning relationships. An abusive man on the other hand, will be a bit of a loner, he might talk negatively about family members or he could have a pattern of disconnected relationships.
It would be a concern to me that friends and family are warning you off him.
And without knowing all the details, you have described some worrying tendencies about this man. I don't like his initial reaction when you announced your pregnancy. If you have any doubt whatsoever, it would be best to wait.
Sat Oct 10 2009 - 10:01 am
#10
Sunsetseeker,
You posted Abuse and Pregnancy under Is He The One!
I read your story and I understand your situation and the advice given here is wonderful.
I understand your concern over your baby not having a loving home with two loving parents.
I understand your reasons for keeping this baby because of your health issues.
You should not have to EVER go to bed in tears!!!...
Not for the reasons you mentioned.
Here's the problem du jour!
If you walk away, this highly intelligent man will want HIS child (eventually) because s/he is also his "signature" ,as I see it.
He has a definite control issue and you need some counseling/options that are right for you.
You can make yourself sick over this and NOBODY wants THAT to happen!
If you stay at your sister's house throughout your pregnancy, is that an option?
Can you get a place to live that is near your sister?
You have someone to asist you and that's a very good thing!
This man is busy as well and that's a very good thing.
You need to weigh all your options. He needs to come to terms with the fact that you are going to have his baby.
So sad when this should be such a happy time for you both!
Auds
xoxox
I should also mention that I live in a small town and the one time we broke up before, it was as if I'd committed the worst crime ever. He has an amazing ability to be everyone's best friend and an absolute charmer. No one believed any of what I said as far as his abuse and mistreatment.