A LUSTFUL MAN
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 01:16 pm
I have a girlfriend who is devastated about a very sensitive situation and she doesnt know what to do? She confided in me but im devastated! and dont have an answer for her because this is her husband --- she found him peeking in the room of her daughter while the girl was sleeping -- the child is 12 and she is not his child -- he was doing this in the very early morning when he thought his wife -- the girl's mom was sleeping --- how sad, she is asking, should she divorce him or go into Counseling? very touchy subject --
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 01:53 pm
Curioustity,
Oh wow, very touchy subject indeed.
This is so hard, but very important. I personally think your friend should receive some counseling, as it seems she is very understandably upset about this and doesn't know what to do. I'm not a mother, but I imagine that kind of thing would be truly devastating. Furthermore, she doesn't exactly know if he's done anything to the girl besides what she caught him doing, does she?
As for divorcing him, I think that is a completely personal choice. Has she confronted him yet with what she saw? If no, she definitely needs to do this. Then, perhaps she can judge from his reaction as to whether or not he'd be willing to receive therapy himself and change his behavior, so that her little girl would no longer be in danger in her own home. Maybe he could move out in the meantime? Just throwing out some suggestions here to try and keep the daughter safe if he does try to get some help. The problem is that oftentimes it seems addictions like this are so hard for some men to overcome. That is why therapy would be essential IF she decides she's willing to work things out with him. Otherwise, divorce too is a viable option for protecting her daughter.
Either route, I think this woman should receive some counseling to know how to best handle the situation, even after she makes a decision. Some things are just too complicated for us to figure out on our own as they depend so much on the peoples in the situations. I believe that talking to a professional one-on-one can really help make some sense of that.
Anyhow, I'm very sorry to hear about your friend's situation. Very sad, indeed.
xoxo
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 03:13 pm
What is most important is that the daughter is safe, obviously. I normally wouldn't ask this question but in the situation you wrote about, its not completely apparent that something sinister is going on....could there be any chance he was just checking up on the daughter? Of course, what 12 year old needs to be checked up on? Hmm.
Its imperative that a few things happen at once:
1. Husband and daughter should be separated, at least for awhile until this matter gets sorted out. Husband should be talked to when daughter is not around, and asked to leave.
2. Daughter needs to be talked with as well. If it seems like ANYTHING has gone on, and if the daughter seems to feel anxious/unsafe, she will need counseling and also a divorce will be a necessary, because pedophilia is not something to take lightly, and not something that mere counseling alone will be able to absolve....she needs to get the hell away from this husband, stat. End of story. It would be selfish to try to "work things out" with the husband at the risk of her daughter being molested and having her life basically ruined.
3. She needs to get counseling for herself, as well.
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 03:15 pm
Oh that is my greatest fear for my son.
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 04:59 pm
I am with Barnie on this one.
Send said Child to stay with family members RIGHT AWAY, today, pickup the phone and do it now.
Have a conversation with the husband and ask him WTF he was doing, if he says he doesn't know what you are talking about. Just go join your daughter and file papers ASAP.
If he fesses up and has some sort of explainaition, or not, but he is wiling to get some therapy for this abhorent behaviour, go from there, but keep the child away from him for the time being until his therapist indicates whether it may or may not be safe.
Screw her feelings for him. Screw financial considerations. Just protect that child.
Really, I can't understand why there has to be any question as to what action to take here.
It might be a good idea to get a professional to see your daughter who specializes in finding out if she has been molested, just to be sure. Asking her yourself probably won't do any good. These people know how to keep their victims quiet.
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 05:13 pm
Bear in mind that if the woman confronts the husband with her suspicions, he will likely deny anything going on. Physical molestation may not have taken place (yet) but his behaviour demonstrates dysfunction, and your friend is right to trust her gut instincts-this man is totally out of line.
Most sexual abuse takes place not from strangers but from someone the child knows.
I agree with Barnowl, the child's safety is paramount here.
Bear in mind that statistics show many women, even when confronted with such signs, choose to ignore things in favour of keeping the marriage or relationship.
As her friend, you can lend support. You might find it helpful to discuss things confidentially with a women's support group or sexual abuse centre. Ask them what you can do to help your friend.
I feel for your friend. She's going to need courage and support.
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 05:17 pm
This happened in my household as well.
I got him out, in time, but should have been more expedient about it.
My girls were not violated physically, thankfully,
but his behavior was completely out of line, and frightening.
Mon Aug 24 2009 - 05:28 pm
Oh Marcianne, I am sorry you've experienced this. That is hard to bear. You can be proud of the fact though that you took action, and your girls will look up to you for it...
Tue Aug 25 2009 - 04:00 am
By the way.
Loyalty to your friend aside, seriosly, if she refuses to take action, then you need to put your friendship on the line and protect that child. If she will not get help, if she wants to brush it aside, then it is on you to notify the proper athorities, "Child protective services" or whatever they call it where you live.
I would even call it a moral imperative. That child's safety is more important than her marriage and more important than your friendship.
And before anyone preaches out of the "Let's mind our own business bible" a child in the position of some perv peeping in on her bedroom needs to be taken out of that situation before it developes into something more damaging. A child in that situation is everyone's child and everyone's business.
Tue Aug 25 2009 - 07:49 am
I am in 100% agreement with Xhistopherus. Until/unless it is known exactly what this man was up to, this child must be regarded as being in danger. NOTHING is more important that protecting this child. Counseling for the mother - yes - critically important; HOWEVER secondary to child safety.
My recommendation is to first make a call to child protective services and describe what has happened. They are trained in this - they will know what is appropriate and they can give guidance. Both you and your friend may have too many emotions flying around - and lack of knowledge in this realm - to be capable of taking the appropriate action. Your friend is likely to be very clouded because she loves this man - she may even cling to some denial - very dangerous for the child.
Again - we do not know if the man is a pervert or if there is another explanation; but it does strike me that his own wife, the child's mother, "took in" the scene as not appropriate. She knows more than we know, and she is the most likely to dismiss it if she is in love with him. I would take that cue and take action NOW.
Now that you have been tipped off about a potential (or existing) problem, you have a responsibility to protect that child. Your concern must NOT be about your friend's feelings - your concern MUST be for that child.
Tue Aug 25 2009 - 11:43 am
thank you all for your responses --
i just found out however, that apparently this happened last year and my girlfriend is NOW comtemplating divorce because 1) when she confronted the husband he said he didnt do it although she saw him; and 2) she just cant seem to trust him anymore -- since last year she said she has been watching him as if he is a "thief" and she just dont want to live like that anymore -- this is what she is asking me, should she go thru w/ the divorce -- she just cant seem to shake this but dont know whether or not the marriage is worth "mending" - i told her she should divorce him.
ps. apparently there has been no impact on the child; the child seems healthy and is clueless about this situation
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies