Why Did He Disappear?
Tue Oct 20 2009 - 12:20 am
Why. Why oh why oh why. You both had a great time, right? Things went well. Laughing. Joking. Maybe even a kiss. So why didn't he call again?
Before I continue, as I say more often times than not, I've had this done to me as well, so this isn't necessarily a gender-specific dating experience. But I'll go ahead and say guys are guilty of 'disappearing' more than ladies are.
Reasons are likely numerous, but aside from the players out there, the number 1 reason we guys "disappear" would have to be... *drumroll*:
There wasn't any chemistry. Meaning, we didn't click.
Anti-climactic, I know.
If things turned physical, or there was promises for a next time, or even simply that the other party felt a strong connection, the person left in the dark is, rightly so, frickin' mad!
But I think guys feel there's a quick return policy when it comes to dating. We're not complete idiots - once we're in a relationship, we can't get away with the disappearing act. But in that 1 - 2 date period, we feel we can opt out, no questions asked.
I typically don't do the disappearing - I get disappeared on. But I have done it. Once.
I went on a date. Great girl. Pretty. Smart. Driven. Awesome! We saw this play that was still in "previews", as they were gearing up for a big run soon. The night overall was great!
But there wasn't a 'click' with her. No 'spark.' I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I know when I feel it and know when I don't. And it wasn't here.
So a day or two passed and she proposed a second date via email. I told her I'd have to see if I was free, and stalled. At this point, I knew I wasn't into this girl, so the good guy in me wanted to just be completely honest and say, "I had a good time, but I'm not into you." But that felt really harsh. A day or two had passed in my indecision, which is when I turned to a female friend for advice and who I figured would agree with me. I just wanted her opinion on the way I should say it.
But quite the contrary! I had passed some sort of contact-time-zone and she said, "First, you already messed up. So, at this point, might there be some day in the future where, if you run into her at a party, things might spark then?" My date had been great, so I replied honestly and said, "I guess it's possible." My friend said, "Then don't close that door. If you run into her in the future, apologize for being an idiot and you'll still have a shot. But if you reject her now, you're done forever."
Huh. So I did that. I never responded to her.
Now I've been on the receiving end of the 'disappearing act.' I've called and never heard back and I was left to wonder. What the heck did I do wrong? Did my breath stink? Was my fly unzipped? Did I burp (audibly)?
Did she not like my Mix CD?
But after a day or two of anguish, I - as I'm sure most people do - reach a point where I know I'm just never going to know and fretting over it isn't going to do any good. So I let it go. But that feeling always lingers, doesn't it?
I will say that, in hindsight, I felt I should've been honest with that girl. I don't know if women really want to hear "I just wasn't down with you," but for me, I'll do that in the future, as delicately as I can. Because I'd rather know.
I probably sound like a real jerk, but I had never been in those shoes before - and haven't been since. But I did get to see, first-hand, why someone might just... disappear!
The point of this is not to give false hope. If a guy disappears on you, I'll be honest - it may be that he's wishy-washy on how he feels. He may be still thinking about an ex. Or your breath might've stunk! The truth is, you'll never know, and the best you can do is let it go and (try) not to let it taint your opinion of an entire gender. We all make mistakes at some point.
But, now I want to know - what do you ladies think? Do you want a guy to call you back and say he's not interested?? Or would you actually rather he just disappear? The comment box awaits!
'Til the next time we meet.
-Chris2
Mon Apr 26 2010 - 06:08 pm
You know what? I've had men disappear on me more times than I've had hot dinners. Its almost become a way of life for me now, to the point where Im past caring!!
The thing is its not even the disappearing that is the frustrating bit, end of the day if you're not interested, Fine. Im a big girl i can handle it.
My biggest gripe is when they spend 2-3 months dating you, acting all interested and telling you how great you are and how they can see themselves being with you etc etc and THEN they disappear.
Why tell me all that crap if you dont mean it? I mean really? Keep your mouth shut until you know what you actually want!!
If a man dosent contact me after 1 or 2 dates, then fine. You know you just didnt click. But when they date you for a few months and then just fall into a black hole with no explanation, then as far as Im concerned thats just cruel/rude and leading someone on.
I had a guy that franky after the first date I wasnt feeling it. He texted me when i got home saying how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he was worried that i didnt like him because he really liked me and wanted to see me again. I thought this was a bit needy, but because he seemed like one of the nice guys I thought id give him the chance of a second date and see how I felt about him then. 2nd date and he changed my opinion of him entirely and I thought "actually yeah, i would like to carry on seeing him".
He spent the first 2 months being really intense and romantic. Then all of a sudden he broke up with me. About 2 weeks later after talking we decided to give things another go. That lasted a week and he dumped me again, apparently to give things another go with his ex.
So i think fine, sod ya. Go out with my girls enjoy myself. Moved on. Then he starts texting me asking me if ive pulled anyone while im out and that he's jealous of any male attention i get. I tell him its none of his business anymore. For the next 18 months (i was dating other people during this time) I have him texting me telling me he loves me, sending me valentines cards etc all while he's supposedly with his ex. He even turned up at my house one night when i was out.
Yet during all this on the occasions when I was single, he didnt bother to ask me out again (he was single aswell by this time). No he waits until im heartbroken after a guy im in love with ditches me and then tries to get me to go out with him less than 4 weeks after id been ditched and was still crying broken hearted into my cornflakes.
Basically, we are just sick and tired of blokes not knowing what they want. If you're not ready for a relationship...Dont get into one!!
So dont tell us "you want to take us on holiday" or that "you can see us going somewhere because we have a connection" or that "you can really fall for us" unless you actually mean it!! Keep your gob shut until the truth can come out of it!! Then when you do disappear we wouldnt be so angry, confused and frustrated!!! lol
Mon Mar 29 2010 - 06:56 am
There are some opinion about that matter, since I need to know why this happen to me, but anyway I quote some of their opinion which they prefer to "know the reason" rather than being ignore..
Even not for knowing where I stand on this kind of relationship...because my feeling on him will never change..
But still I was thinking that my feeling is not a playground, that anyone can just play and left. If he really a angel like I am thinking all this time (and still he is) then why can he just say so..or at least he could just accepting my call to his cellphone and then explain all.
It is not just a matter of hurt which I can manage..At least, I noticed that I am not making a mistake by fall in love with the precious one before.
Fri Mar 05 2010 - 11:48 am
Some times ago I was thinking that it's good to know that guy doesn't want to meet again. But now I think I would rather do not know. Guy doesn't call within 3 days... Move on... Think that it's not meant to be... Ladies, do you really need that call or sms with explanation that you guys didn't click?
I had 2 dates with some guy I met online. After first date he was quiet 4 or 5 days (see?, 3 days, that's the limit :)))) But then he contacted and said that he would like to meet again. We met. Then he went quiet for few weeks. Well, I was not bothered that much, there were the other things to do, the other guys to meet :)
Then email from guy where he says that he was sick, travelled and so on and he's asking if I would like to meet again. We agreed that he would write me in 2 weeks because we both travelled. I didn't hear anything from him in 2 weeks and thought that I probably would say no to another date with him. Actually I forgot about him. And then when I had miserable and lonely weekend, sure enough :))) I'm getting mail from this guy (month after i heard from him for the last time) in which he's appologizing that he wanted to invite me for a date but he met another girl and now it all went serious with her.
Maaaan. Did I need that mail? Did I care? I had my own reasons to feel upset that day, nothing to do with this guy. But he made me feel even worse.
So I would rather stick to 3 days rule and move on after that instead of listening explanations that we didn't click and what was wrong.
But... Well, if I'm seeing guy few times and we spend more time together, then I would like to have explanation. Or at least notification that this is the end.
So after 1-2-3 dates it's ok to disappear. But after longer dating i need explanation :)))
Fri Feb 12 2010 - 12:17 am
What about when your first date he tells you that you are very beautiful and you continue to get such sweet messages like that throughout the week until you see eachother again and then BAM, my phone doesnt work, but contacts you when he gets a "new" one...or cancels cuz mom is not doing well, but when you ask him how she is, doing much better and he;s heading to the gym...even though you havent seen eachother in weeks.....Its not that he wasnt that into me.....I have a feeling that after about 8 dates, he felt like it could turn into something and freaked out??? Why do guys do that? Then I tell him I have to move on, until he can figure out how much time he needs to be with his mom and he replys he's sorry for all of this and he wishes he wasnt so busy because he was really into me. That pulls at me, like I should have stuck around to be more supportive of what he is going through. And if he is that into me, he would be making time. Hes a private person, so i know i wouldnt get much more out of him, thats why i chose to back off, because i could tell he was as well
Fri Feb 12 2010 - 12:03 am
OK, here is my take on this.... dated a guy right after thanksgiving. the christmas holiday is always crazy but our third date was wonderful, stayed overnight (nothing happened) we just had a great weekend together and got to know so many things about eachother. The weeks went on and christmas passed and then we were suppose to go out after Christmas.....well then this is when it all started...His phone broke, a few days later he IM's me to get my cell # again. Calls me the next day and the cell does the same, wont make calls, not getting text etc. Finally a few days later, He tells me he got a new phone in the mail. We go out a few more times after that and have a great time.....As I thought. He would send me messages that he missed my face, couldnt wait to see me next. So now we get to January and we have spent about 7 dates together, never been to his home, but said the next time we hung out he would like to have me over to "chill". So im thinking, ok, he is comfortable with me and I am with him, cool. Well a few days after he told me that at dinner, of course his phone broke again.....this time for 2 weeks. Then ontop of that, his laptop, his mom is sick and everything that could have stopped him from seeing me happened. I gave in about 2 weeks ago and gave him my number again.....and now I am always the one making the initiative to text him. I finally got fed up and told him it would prolly be better to go our seperate ways and see what happens since he seemed to have so much going on now with more issues with his mom. I figured if we continued to keep in contact, maybe there will be a chance we could start up dating again. he agreed and apologized......So my thought is......why did he keep coming back after he disappeared so many times....why? Why bother me, when I could have simply been fine the first time he went away....but 3 times...that plays on a persons emotions.
Sat Jan 16 2010 - 10:21 pm
I had a guy tell me, "see you around" truly a dismissal, of course I was puzzled, but didn't have to buy a vowel, I got the hint, life called, he wasn't interested, something, shrug, it happens.
Months later when I ran into him, he told me two things, 1) He always thought about me 2) I always atare at you when you are around - Both left me with my mouth hanging open and you couldn't call which is what I wanted to say.
I just went into the moment, although flattering both compliments, he is a man nearing 50 and I decided to leave the compliments where I received them in the street while running into him, they say actions speaks louder than words, no calls, just words in passing, means nothing.
Next!
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 01:26 pm
I just had a man disappear after three dates, which I could have handled, but then he came back with a ridiculous text after 9 days. Why would he do that? He did feel chemistry? It was worse than disappearing.
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 04:08 pm
I've been on the receiving end of the dissappearing act a few times and after it happened to me enough, I just stopped caring. I realized that a guy who wants to see me again will contact me again.
Once I realized that, I didn't even notice when a guy didn't call back. Even if we had a fun time and I felt a click, I didn't care because I had already moved on to a new guy who was showing interest.
So if you give yourself enough options when single, you don't need to hear "I'm not into you". You learn to only pay attention when you hear "I AM into you". datingdrama.wordpress.com
Mon Dec 07 2009 - 10:52 pm
I have had the diappear act on me after 3 months of dating. We had even discussed when we first started dating, just be honest and don't just quit calling.. we both had that happen to us before and hated it. I thought maybe he had been in a car accident or something.
It is so pathetic. Come on end it like a man and at least part as friends. " This isn't working out for me, good luck to you, I wish you the best, SOMETHING!!! I always wanted to be able to say hi and be nice if we run into each other again someday. Now I would feel hurt and want to run the other way. An email or a text is better than nothing, come on!
And yes return my stuff, its only polite.
Just treat each other like you would want to be treated as human beings, not just men and women.
Mon Dec 07 2009 - 07:38 pm
Hands down a simple email is greatly respected "I enjoyed our chat, but I don't think the chemistry is there" or "I enjoyed meeting, thanks for taking the time. It is important to me to be a gentleman and let you know I didn't feel a spark, but you are a great girl and I wish you the very best."
Leaving a girl hanging is the height of rude. Women are so confused now as to the rules of dating it is a miracle we come out at all!
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