Mom first, date second

I've gone back and forth about whether I would date someone who does not have a child of his own. On the one hand, men who already have a child tend to be more understanding of parental responsibilities, challenges and rewards. Yet there are always exceptions to the rule, so I don't want to discount someone just because he is childless. It's just that I've yet to go on a date with someone who does not have kids and have it go anywhere.

Inevitably, if you have a child, your thoughts and conversations tend to migrate back to your little one. However, I do try to somewhat censor myself in the interest of keeping the conversation light, enjoyable and interesting. For instance, if he asks me what I did today, in my mind it goes something like this:

"I got up, packed my son's lunch, took him to school, sat on the freeway for 45 minutes to get to work, did the same thing coming home, picked him up from school, threw together some dinner for the two of us and shuffled us off to our various extracurricular activities. Then we went to bed and got up to do it all over again the next day."

What comes out of my mouth is slightly different.

"I had so much fun watching my son's karate class. He did awesome! How was your day?"

The idea is to keep things uplifting. What I don't want is to create the image of the tired, broke, worn-down single mom who's desperate for a man to fill some kind of void in her life. That's not me!

Sure, there are days when I'm tired beyond belief, but underneath it all, I'm happy. And that's the person I want my date to see, whether he has kids or not.

Back to those childless men. Why is it that I haven't yet had a successful dating experience with one of them? I believe it's related to men's fears.

Men already have fears about relationships. They don't want to see their freedoms taken away--their ability to hang out with the guys and do as they please. So for men who haven't yet had the opportunity to be a parent, the "child" factor adds another layer of fear.

They might be thinking, "What if I have to take care of BOTH of them?" And unless they give themselves the chance to see that I don't expect anyone else to "take care" of us, but rather to get to know me, we'll never move beyond that fear.

On the other hand, there are guys with kids who don't move beyond those same fears. So as with any date, it's just a matter of dating different guys, with or without kids, until I find one who can see beyond the surface and know that I'm seeking a partnership, not a caretaker.

At any rate, I'm smitten with someone who has a daughter at the moment, and I have to say, him being a parent does make it easier for conversations to flow. We relate to each other. And I could understand perfectly when he had to cancel our last date to take his daughter to the ER with a broken arm.

Likewise, he would understand if I had to cancel for an urgent matter with my son.

In the end, I'm looking for a man who meets my needs on all levels, whether he has a child or not. The good news is, I don't have to settle for less than my expectations. Knowing that helps to take the pressure off and allows me to relax throughout this dating process.

Dating without drama has allowed me to be a mom and be a date at the same time, presenting my best self both as a parent and as a potential girlfriend. It's given me the confidence to know that not only is my son worth the effort, but I am as well.