Maybe It's Me
Submitted by Bryan - guy blogger on Tue Oct 13 2009 - 07:23 pm
How many times have you truly given thought to the possibiliity that being unsuccessful in your search for a soul mate may stem from you being the problem? I found myself battling back and forth with this thought process as recently as this past weekend. From time to time I have briefly entertained these absurd thoughts, yet this past weekend caused me to mull this possibility over with a far more calculating eye.
Somehow a perfectly good weekend slowly digressed into me trying to understand why I have such a hard time finding someone with whom I can share my life with. Initial research proved to be fruitless as I had a difficult time understanding how any woman in their right mind could pass on the possibility of spending their remaing years as the queen in my Oasis. This opinion slowly began to change after I had several beers and a few shots of Patron. Somehow this completely legal concoction helped me realize that I have been biased in my assessment of my own self worth. While I, like most of us have a complete grasp on my persoanl net worth. It seems I have completely overestimated my worth when it comes to a relationship. As I continued to slip further into my subconciousness and realized my obvious shortcomings. It became obvious to me that I am not the only person that has this problem. If you consider just the shear number of people that are available it leads me to believe that we are woefully unaware of our own worth when it boils down to it.
Personally I have to be open and honest with the shortcomings that will surely plague me during my upcoming courtships. One of my major shortcomings is that I continue to look for this ideal woman that seemingly only exist in my mind and in a John Hughes film. I'll be the first to admit that I do still have a crush on Molly Ringwald. It seems that we spend so much time imagining and wanting our "Soul Mate" to be a certain type, that we somehow forget that we are not ideal. When I say ideal understand that I don't mean that we thnk we are perfect, but we truly expect our "Soul Mate" to be perfect in so many ways. Think about it for just a moment, we want a professionally successful, well adjusted, physically attractive (People Magazine top 50), mate that shows ultimate empathy while ignoring all of our faults and loving us unconditionally.
Please believe me when I say that not everyone has been so irrational in their assessment of their relationship worthiness. Also understand that for so many available and fairly well adjusted people to be in similar situations, something is gravely wrong. As I slowly slipped further into my beer and Patron induced truth serum it became evident that we as capitalist are greedy at almost everything that life allows for us to be. Capitalism in its most wonderous splendor tends to produce some of the most sucessful and amazing success stories. At it's worst we have seen greed and deception in startling devestation.
Of course I am no longer under my self induced truth serum hypnosis. So where do you turn after such an epiphany? Do you chalk up your newly found viewpoints to drunken ramblings. Or do you adjust some of your values and expectations, while attempting to rectify some of your own shortcomings? I am giving some thought to just having a beer and a shot of Patron. I might call it a night while admitting Maybe it's Me.
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User Comments (8)
Submitted by JustLooking on Thu Oct 15 2009 - 03:33 pm.
Hi Bryan, I couldn't resist posting to your blog even though I had no intentions of registering before I read your post.
But it's true. If I meet a man who is potential for a good, lifetime relationship, he is also the one looking for...and this deserves its own line:
a perfect woman, in an imperfect world.
What a thing to look forward to! If a man is NOT perfect, then I am in for a lot of pain once I discover the real him, especially if he doesn't want me to know who he is from the beginning and I end up making a commitment to who I believed he was. If the man is perfect, then I will have to do without him because he will never commit since he cannot find a perfect woman!
Submitted by Ladybug on Fri Oct 16 2009 - 08:43 am.
I like the advice I've read about deal breakers. For example, there's a difference bt someone who doesn't always pick up his socks and one that is a violent alcoholic.
That's an extreme example, but some things are gunna be worth dealing with and some are not.
Submitted by Nuts on Mon Oct 19 2009 - 10:09 pm.
Bryan,
I commend you on your insightfulness.
This is something I have thought about for a long time. I absolutely think this is the reason so many of us are single. And...I think the older we get, it gets worse.
We learn from all of our "failed" relationships what we DON'T want in our mate and soon we have this gigantic list of don't wants!
To some degree this is a good thing. We do need to learn from our relationships. But, we also need to be realistic and aware that not everything or everyone, or every relationship is black and white.
It's funny to me how online profiles state exactly what people are looking for in a mate. It's a combination of traits that makes us who we are, and you just never know what combination may make you the happiest until you run accross "it". If we don't give someone a chance because they don't (on paper) fit what we "think" we want....we may never find the love we all seek.
Submitted by szstudio52 on Tue Oct 20 2009 - 12:51 pm.
"In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful.”
Alice Walker
Bryan,
It is just those imperfections that become so beautiful once you've added the seasoning of "time." Maybe seeking perfection is not a problem as much as perserverance and patience? You will receive unconditional love when you learn to give it.
szstudio52
Submitted by true on Fri Nov 13 2009 - 02:43 am.
Hi, bryan hats off 2 ya. U were honest n open enough 2 say what a lot of real men couldn't. Dnt beat ur self up. Who knows mayb u were having a moment we all do. You've already started da process of thinking wit a clear mind and heart. Keep it up n you'll find ur love. I dnt know bout da other young ladies that responded 2 ur blog but drunk r not u still spoke well. Keep ur head up n continue 2 work on u.
Submitted by funnyone on Sat Jan 16 2010 - 09:14 pm.
if you're not perfect, why should you expect perfection from a woman? how selfish and unrealistic is that?
the reality is, we are all human with strengths and weaknesses. you need to accept your own and be aware of them so that when you are ready for a relationship, you can accept the other
frankly, people need to wake up and realize if your life is not going the way you want it to, it probably is because of you! you are the constant in your life and you are the driver!
Submitted by tinydancer2009 on Sat Feb 13 2010 - 08:27 pm.
"In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful.”
I love this. We can all learn a lesson from nature. Trees are hardly ever "perfect" looking, but beautiful and interesting nonetheless. Often the one that's different, that stands out from the others, whether it be bent over to the side or with a contorted trunk, or whose leaves are colored differently, that is the most appealing and memorable.
I have found that often "perfect" can be boring. How can you experience change, growth, and adventure with someone who is perfect? I'm sure not perfect. I don't want to date someone who is perfect so that I can always feel inferior. Often it's someone's flaws and quirks that make them so compelling. And it's nice to have someone to relate to, who has made the same mistakes as you, someone who doesn't always look completely put-together and perfectly groomed at all times.
I dated a guy like this once. He had a great job. He was totally put-together. His hair was perfect (he spent hours on it). He dressed like GQ. His apartment was straight out of Better Homes and Gardens. His car was completely spotless. Everything was just-so, like a Martha Stewart catalog.
All I could think was "What if this guy ever saw me in that ratty pair of PJs I have with the stain on them?" "What if he comes to my place and sees that pile of papers I have stashed on the floor?" "Will he freak out when he sees that I don't always get my toenails painted in time and the polish wears off and it looks really sloppy?" "Or how about if he ever sees me cry, and then I hyperventilate like I always do and it's really not pretty?"
What happens when he sees that I'M NOT PERFECT?
It's too much pressure to date someone who's "ideal." I don't want to have to constantly live up to that. Because if he's "perfect" he's gonna want me to live up to that standard. Sorry, I'm human. I didn't get in the Perfect line up in heaven before I was born.
It's the difference between what you WANT in a partner, and what you NEED. Let's see, I'll make up a woman and maybe she might WANT her guy to be 6'1", with rippling muscles, a terrific smile, no back hair, fabulous in bed, who will listen to her talk endlessly and never interrupt, with a big smile on his face.
But what she might NEED is someone who can comfort her after a long day, who knows how to cook because she never learned how, and who will not criticize too harshly when she does try and cook, and who will be there for her when the chips are down, whom she feels safe and comfortable with.
Obviously the Want and Need lists differ quite a bit. The Want list starts to look pretty superficial. Obviously there needs to be an attraction. But does what we want only have to be a specific type, shoved in a tiny box of what we're attracted to?
"I want my woman to have long, luscious chestnut hair, perfect porcelain skin, green eyes, size 36C boobs, and long, thin legs. She's only had 3 lovers, and one of them is me. Wait, take that back, she's a virgin, but she's still great in bed."
"I imagine my man to look just like Pierce Brosnan--tall, mysterious, dark hair, olive skin, athletic build, and his penis must be exactly 7 inches long. He's never been divorced and he has no kids. He wants to start a family right away, and did I forget to say he's rich? Oh, yeah, he's REALLY REALLY REALLY rich."
Well, there goes 99% of the dating pool. That's a lot of Saturday nights spent home alone.
I think it's time to expand horizons a bit on what "ideal" is. There is a lot of wisdom in the song "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometime...you might find...you get what you need."
Bryan,
Welcome to a womans world. We only think about this stuff. You have done it for a weekend and most of us women do it continually. You bring up the same points we have when we are looking for the special one.
What I have gotten from my 4 months of research is that even the opposite sex is looking for perfect and what we should be looking for is the 80/20 rule. If they have 80 percent of the qualities that we are looking for and no deal breakers then it is worth a try to see where it goes. The other 20 percent may be so insignificant that it goes away.
Now that you had the wake up call so to speak where do you go from here? Let me tell you it can drive you crazy