Getting the Date - the Set-Up!

In my previous post, I talked about the 2 kind of guys going to a bar, Guy1 and Guy2.  A Guy1 is super aggressive and their goal going out is to get a girl, whether it’s her number or more.  Guy2 is out to be out and social, and if a romantic situation presents itself, he’ll deal with it then.  I should’ve noted that a guy can go from Guy1 to Guy2 - we’re not stuck in either/or of my 2-person paradigm.

I’d say I’m a Guy2 90% of the time.

Which leads me to the third major way we guys get to that first date - the set-up.

When I first was thinking about this, I thought that the majority of match-makers were women in relationships.  Then I said ‘no, sometimes it’s parents.’  Then, ‘no, single women who have guy friends do it too’ (ooh, I should do a post about female friends and dating - it’s in the queue!).  Then I scratched the whole labeling thing because everyone, at one point or another, is inspired to set-up 2 friends.

If you’re the match-maker, or want to BE a match-maker, there’s a huge pitfall than can doom any fledgling set-up relationship.  The pitfall?  Meddling!  The less you do, the better.

Anyone reading who’s been set-up before, and have it be unsuccessful, knows what I’m talking about.

There could be a lot going on.  Maybe the 2 people on the date feel some weird pressure to make it work, so as not to disappoint the person that set them up.  Maybe the setter-upper is REALLY talking one person up to the other, which makes for extremely high expectations.  Or, most tragically, maybe there just isn’t a spark, which is the key to any relationship.

As a guy, we do go into these with general hesitancy, because all the pitfalls above seem to happen.  And it’s not a feeling of being emasculated by not having done some primal “kill your prey” thing.  It’s never a “if I didn’t find her, she isn’t good enough.”

For me, I’ve been set-up three times and the match-makers had the very best intentions.  But there was no spark on my end 2 of those times, and the other time the woman didn’t feel the spark.  The relationships fizzled quickly and there was disappointment all around.

Maybe there’s an art to the set-up and I think guys and girls are probably in the same boat to its potential awkwardness and pitfalls. 

But I’ve asked my guy friends in the past about getting set-up, and they’ve always said, “No bueno, man, no bueno.”  Its difficulty is universally known and guys will tell their buds to steer clear.

So don’t be offended if the guy says he’s not interested in a set-up, no matter how beautiful and awesome your friend is.  He’s trying to avoid an awkward future Game Night!

Having gone through online dating, the bar/club and the set-up, I hope I haven’t made things sound grim!  It’s just really tough - and the bigger the city, the harder it is.  I don't have to tell you ladies how hard it is to find someone, but it's just as hard for us!  In fact, if I asked any single guy right now, they'd say guys have it harder to meet a good girl.  I know that comment may draw some ire, but guys really believe that and experience that.  All I can promise you is that good guys are out there.  We're online, we're at the bars and clubs, and yes, we are friends with your friends.  We're there, we just can't find YOU!

SIDENOTE: I avoided topics like “meeting a girl at Border’s”, because I know very few guys who can talk to a girl at Border’s and not seem creepy.  I’m sure it’s been done and I’m sure someone on here has a story or two, but for me, non-social settings seems forced.  If you’re at Walgreens getting shampoo and spiral-bound notebooks, do you really want a guy to start hitting on you?

I think with my next posts, I want to take you through my mind - which I won’t claim to be every guy’s mind, but alas - at certain points on a first date.  I was surprised to hear what a woman is typically thinking about at these points, so stay tuned for that post coming real soon. 

Until we meet again,

Chris2