Getting the Date - Online
Submitted by Chris - guy blogger on Sun Sep 20 2009 - 08:53 pm
Chris2, here, how was everyone's weekend? I know, it's already over. But, before we head into another week, grab your coffee and have a read. I have something to share...
I wanted to start at the beginning. The very beginning. I wanted to look at the few basic methods guys find girls and talk about what it's like on our side of the fence. Today, I want to take you through how I see the current state of online dating. My compadre Rob has blogged about this already, but I feel I have something to add to the conversation.
My first thought is - when did finding a date online get harder than finding a date in the bar?
I'd say between 3-5 years ago, going online to date was simpler. Not as many people did it. Similar personalities did it. 3 or 4 websites did it.
But nowadays, with business booming and countless word-of-mouth success stories, more and more people have jumped online, signed up for profiles and given it a shot.
And, let me tell you ladies, it is tough out there for a guy.
First, it is very rare for a woman to send that first email. Of course it happens but it's still very rare.
Typically, it's up to the guy to use all the tools and methods a dating site has created to find potential women.
Note that I used the plural "women."
When it comes to online dating, you should know that a lot of guys have to use the "Boomhauer" method (which I will reference again in future posts about the bar scene and the pick-up artist world).
"What's that?"
"Boomhauer" is named after a character on the animated show King of the Hill. Boomhauer is a Texas man who's quiet, mumbles when does talk, and is always drinking a beer. He doesn't seem to be a ladies man, yet he always seems to have a girl.
Well, Hank, the lead character, revealed what Boomhauer does. He literally goes up to every woman he sees and asks, "Wanna go out?" Boomhauer knows if he asks 200 women out, he might get 190 rejections, but of the 10 that don't reject him right away, 1 or 2 might actually give out her phone number. It's also something right out of sales when you're cold-calling. Make 200 calls and 5-10 of those will be actual conversations and opportunities to sell. The dating sites encourage this quantity-over-quality as well, as you get recommendations of 3 users at a time, and once you decide to contact them or not, 3 more come your way.
There's so much saturation online and a feeling amongst guys that women are bombarded with messages from men, that men have to take up the Boomhauer technique. Email 20 women and 1 or 2 might respond. Need evidence? OKCupid has a feature now that shows the frequency of response of users. So if you respond to everyone, you'd be "frequent." If you respond to a few, you'd be "very selective." The majority of the women that pop up in my searches are all "very selective" and I've had many women tell me that they'll get 10-20 emails per day (not including winks or nudges or those other flirty non-email notifications).
It's gotten much harder in the last few years to get noticed in the online dating world. I realize that I am in a difficult dating city - Los Angeles. But, I still think that there are so many users overall that it's actually gotten more difficult than the bar scene, in my opinion.
None of this may surprise you, but for me, it takes a bit of the romance out of finding a girl and trying to get to know her. It now feels like job-hunting. Or direct marketing. Or selling Girl Scout cookies. Actually, scratch that last one - those Girl Scout cookies sell themselves. Ah, Samoas. But you get the idea.
Of course, this experience isn't everyone's, so feel free to voice your experiences that contradict my own. There will always be exceptions. But, for the most part, guys have to find ways to stand out, whether it's being quirky in your email or profile or pictures or what, without being weird!
Or use the Boomhauer method.
My advice? I think the system is what it is and even with these cons, it's the popularity of internet dating that has created the newer free sites we enjoy today. So all I can suggest is that if you find a guy interesting online, whether he emailed you first or he popped up in your search listings, let him know.
And be a bit forgiving on our spelling and punctuation - we had to tipe a lot of emailsss!;+.
Until we meet again...
-Chris2
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User Comments (8)
Submitted by CurlyNYer on Tue Sep 22 2009 - 01:15 am.
It's a myth that women get that many emails a day. I'm definitely an attractive woman and yet I only got about 1-2 emails a WEEK if that. Of the handful of guys that I went out with when I did the online thing again this summer, I emailed all of them first except for one. The one guy that I clicked with the most, however, turned out to be one of the very few guys that emailed me first. We had a lot in common and I understood his sarcasm.
Of course, I think part of the issue is that guys tend to limit their searches narrowly and so many guys probably eliminate me when searching because of my age and ethnicity. Oh well, their loss. :)
Submitted by Kgreen2898 on Tue Sep 22 2009 - 06:32 am.
CurlyNYer you are on to something about the narrow searches. I ran a little experiment over the summer on two different dating sites. I set up a profile and a variety of pictures on Match.com and set my age at 6 years younger. I set up the exact same profile and pictures on Plenty of Fish, but I used my true age. When I decided to do Match.com (paid site) my friends urged me to put a younger age because I look so much younger than what I am, I felt funny about that but I went ahead and did it. After I got quite a few responses from Match, I decided to do the Plenty of Fish(Free) but used the identical information and my true age. I hardly got any responses. If I did get a response, they were not what I consider quality dating material, but guys merely looking for a hookup.
Submitted by Chris - guy blogger on Wed Sep 23 2009 - 12:23 am.
Just to be clear, I am not necessarily down on internet dating. Those success stories are all true - I have numerous close friends who have a sister or brother or best friend that found their life partner online!
Maybe users are paying for more search hits? I've always been curious as to what algorithms these sites use to have certain people pop-up in searches. And I can only speak for myself, but I use pretty wide search parameters - about a 15-20-year age range and no other limiters other than location.
Of course, there are guys (and gals) just looking for a hook-up, although I have begun to doubt how serious those profiles are to begin with anyway. I can't imagine them having a ton of success.
But I think the point remains - if there's interest, neither side should be afraid to speak-up, especially in the anonymity of the internet! As CurlyNYer has done, although the irony there of course is that the one that matched best was the guy that contacted her first.
And lastly, to alohagal's questions, I think we all need to agree on how to handle folks we're not interested in. What's worse: An email saying 'you're not my type', which is considerate but feels bad, or no response at all? I don't have the answer, because while I say I want an email saying "thanks, but no thanks", I remember getting my wish one time. I got the "we're not a match" response but then felt almost offended!
As far as sites and their searches, I'm not sure if the economy has affected dating sites, but if it has, it would only benefit sites like Plentyoffish or OKCupid, since they're free. Maybe try searching for yourself, with your own parameters, including zip code, and see what you find.
Thanks for reading, all - maybe we'll both learn something here!
-Chris2
Submitted by Ladybug on Thu Sep 24 2009 - 12:50 pm.
The problem with the Boomhauer technique is quality women won't respond to anything that sounds like a form letter.
I've seen guys spend all this time crafting the perfect thing to say. It's witty, smart, appealing, etc. But a discerning woman can tell there's nothing personal about it. It may say I like your profile but that's where it ends as far as his interest in you.
No smart women I know responds to form letter messages period.
Submitted by trooper on Wed Oct 21 2009 - 01:49 am.
I'm totally confused would love your feedback here. Not necessarily hoping for anything. 2 dates already in one week from a site I've been on for 11 days. A little confused on what he is saying.
ummmm.... HI..!!
I only have a few minutes right now but wanted to drop a HELLO on you.
you certainly seem to reconize things that may not exactly fit in.
i tend to forget the picture because in far into the portrait...you may just know what i mean here...most do not even see the picture
soo much i could say but no time..
ill write you soon
ps. ice cream mmmm...how di u know
Original Message (Sent Oct 20, 5:12 PM)
-------------------------------
You seem like the type that appreciates not getting the standard response. Too boring. So, I won't send it. Instead I will ask why I interest the guys who ride motorcycles? History of dating them. Like motorcycles. Like riding them, not driving them. Not that daring. Love adventure, especially if a guy is leading it. Enjoy being a passenger. I snowboard. But I don't like going fast, because it's too scary to face the bottom of the mountain for too long. Get my drift? If you want to drive fast fine. I'll trust that you won't crash and kill us. But I won't drive fast on my own.
Suggestion for a first meeting- Molly Moon. Never been there. But I have heard great reviews. It's an ice cream shop in Wallingford (Seattle), and it specializes in unusual flavors.
Meet or message? I'm fine with either. Sometimes I just like to cut to the chase. Sometimes it helps to message and know the person a little more before the meeting happens.
It's up to you. If you want to message for a while, then I'll ask you a few questions...
What is your favorite memory in life? What is your favorite CD and why? What does fun mean?
Ami
Real correspondence there. What I am confused about is his saying that
you certainly seem to reconize things that may not exactly fit in.
Any thoughts? I've gone on two dates already through this site that I have been on for a week and a half. I'm not concerned about "potential" or "future." I'm just a little in the dark by what he is really saying here.
Submitted by Anne X on Sun Nov 01 2009 - 03:24 am.
I totally agree. I am attractive, but don't get many emails either.
POF is really too big. I think they need to make their searches more specific. Plowing through thousands of profiles gets pretty boring when most are not of interest.
I rarely email a guy first. Only if I find something in his profile I feel is worth a comment.
The best site I feel is person.com. It has IM and a good search system which brings up a decent number of people who are presently online, who live close by.
I get approaced by a few guys every time I go online.
Another point. Not enough women use online dating. It is so much better. We get a much better idea that a guy is worth meeting BEFORE we spend all that time getting ourselves so beautiful. (What a waste of time when you get to the bar, and there's no one there worth meeting).
Hi Chris. I enjoyed reading your blog. And I look forward to reading more of them. Question or some questions, How do men really feel about a woman contacting them first on the dating sites? I get very frustrated because most of the men that I have contacted first, never returned with an email. I sent five out at one time and not one came back. I am on Match,E-harmony and Plenty of Fish. E-harmony has yet to produce any questions asked and a few of my question unanswered. Match keeps sending me men that live 2+ states away, and Plenty of Fish is a variation or the other two. Do you feel that the economy has anything to do with the pace of the dating websites? Look forward to the answers. Alohagal