Do you spend time wondering why you aren’t married? If you are single and getting close to 40, my bet is that you spend quite a bit of time mulling over that concept.
I can totally relate because I was single when I awoke on my 40th birthday. While I threw myself a fabulous birthday party, after everyone left, I was alone and single. How did that happen to me? How did it happen to you?
In her article, “Why You’re Not Married?” on the Huffington Post site, Tracy McMillan describes six possible reasons why you haven’t tied the knot. I’m going to add a few more to round out the selection. There’s got to be at least one reason in this group that explains your situation.
1. Sort of Shallow
According to Tracy, the most important thing about finding the right man to marry is his character. It’s not about his bank account or portfolio, his job, his car, his family or his rippling abs. No, it’s about his values because a man of character doesn’t have a problem committing to a woman. So if you had been seeking character vs. shallow traits, you would have already found a good man.
2. A Bit Bitchy
You have an anger problem, even if you don’t realize it. You are mad at men, mad at your boss, mad at other women who have it easier than you, or mad at how life has turned out. McMillan points out that you probably don’t think of yourself this way because you’ve been to therapy or you’re really smart. Either way, men prefer to marry women they can easily get along with and who tend to be nice. Your anger scares men away whether you admit it or not.
3. Too Independent
You may feel fantastic about being the self-reliant woman you are. But your staunch independence is a huge turn off to men. It’s not that they want a clingy, needy woman. They just want a woman who actually wants and sees value in a man. And when you wear your independence like a badge of honor, you are letting men know you don’t need them. Well, they don’t need you either. What they do need is a woman who can appreciate and accept a man for who he is and what he has to offer which can be quite a bit when you can take the time to see that.
4. Too Easy
If you are open to casual sex and friends with benefits, you have probably discovered the price – getting hooked on a guy who is not marriage material. The reason? Oxytocin which I learned about from the Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. Tracy points out that hooking up is fine for women on TV and those who don’t want a long-term relationship. But if you want to get married, you’ve got to give it up and find a way to be more selective. It’s not that the men think you are easy, its that your willingness to hook up with any guy will keep you from finding the right guy.
5. Overly Self-focused
As Tracy puts it, if you are single you probably think about yourself frequently. But a woman who is married, can’t do this because she has way too much to do, especially once you have kids. She also points to celebrities who tend to find husbands after they have or adopt kids and explains this is how you get clear really fast that everything is not about you.
6. Lack of Honesty
The lack of honesty is with yourself. It happens when you meet a cute guy who says right up front that he doesn’t want a relationship. Afraid to lose him, you tell him you feel the same way. But once you start sleeping with him, suddenly you DO want more and now you are with the wrong guy.It’s time to get honest with yourself.
7. Super Hero Busy
You have a full, super busy life. So busy, you are like a super hero, cramming so much into a single day. When you meet men, you literally push them away with your busy-ness because you can’t even find time to see him. Men don’t want to feel like you have to squeeze them in. They want to be wanted just like you do.
8. Not Good Enough
McMillan says that’s how you feel about yourself, or you’d be seeking an equal. But instead, you want a man who is better than you are in any number of ways. Once you realize that you are good enough right now, you have a shot at getting married. She also says marriage is about giving more than receiving. The bottom line is to exemplify the type of person you want because that is how you find the love you want.
Ouch! Tracy said a harsh mouthful here. But as a dating coach for women over 40, I have to agree with her. If you fall into one of these eight categories, do some soul-searching so you can revise your course setting to find the loving marriage you really want.
